Dying By Degrees
by Reamhar
Summary: What if Bella’s thoughts on the plane flying back to Seattle from Italy take her in a different direction from the plot in New Moon? Just where could a little twist of fate take the characters? Cannon couples, and rated M just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Notes

This story is set during _New Moon_ and contains spoilers and some text from _New Moon_, specifically chapter 23, "The Truth."

Canon couples, rated M/NC17 just to be safe for later. I am Bella and Edward all the way, so if you like Bella and Jacob, then I'm afraid this is not the story for you.

Thank you to everyone at Project Team Beta for their assistance with this story. It is a wonderful service that they are providing to the 'fan fiction' community, and I am delighted to be involved.

Disclaimer

All characters, text and story lines are from the Twilight Saga and belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer. I am just borrowing them briefly for non-monetary purposes. No infringement is intended.

**Chapter One**

In the Volterra reception hall where the deluded Gianna sat primly, efficient despite the horrors that went on around her, I savoured that we were alive and together. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could breathe.

* * *

On the car journey to the airport and the flight to Rome afterwards, I was ecstatic to be back in his arms. Safe and at peace.

* * *

On the flight to Atlanta I was tense, determined to stay in my fantasy, despite fighting my own exhaustion. Desperate to memorise every moment that I had left with him.

* * *

Now, on the flight to Seattle, the little voice in my head that whispers to me about the unwelcome approach of reality is starting to get too loud to ignore. Yet I am ignoring it with everything I have left in me.

I am in a world of denial. I know that, but I'm not quite ready to let him go yet. I _would_ hold my tiny piece of heaven for just a little longer.

Since I had run into his arms in the alleyway in Volterra, I had rarely been out of contact with his cold body. God help me, it felt like I had finally come home after an eternal journey. It was self preservation that didn't allow me to contemplate how I was going to cope when he took this feeling away from me again. My denial was very necessary right now - a survival mechanism.

Hadn't this been what Edward wanted me to develop all along? Well, here it was, my survival instinct, and it absolutely hinged on my denial. I am pathetic, but I am where I want to be. Where I will always want to be.

With my face tucked into the crook of his neck, and my ear against his chest, I listen mesmerised to the unnecessary, but steady movement of air in and out of his chest. If I could, I would happily climb right inside of him if it meant I could get closer for the time that we have left. Instead, I squirm to get closer to his skin, smiling against his neck when I feel his hand brush against my cheek and cup my chin. I like to think, for the moment, that he is pulling me closer too.

Sadly, my brain will only let me distract myself with him for so long. Stupid brain! Here come the thoughts that I am trying to hide from. The whole undiluted, painful truth of the matter.

It is simple. I'm not his idea of eternity. We are not the same. If a lion and lamb could fall in love, where in the world could they exist together? He had grown tired of trying to make it work.

What we had together was a beautiful and brilliant aberration, but in a lifetime that could span millennia, I was of insignificant impact in his world. A distraction. His word, not mine.

Hadn't he tried to tell me all along? He was bad for me, dangerous. Still, his accusation that I wasn't good for him had been agonising. While I was willing to risk myself to be with him, the same was obviously not true on his part.

So, I have to reclassify myself within his world. I would not be his "life" any more, even if he is still mine.

Now that I could correct his guilty misconception that I had flung myself off a cliff because of his desertion, I hope he will enjoy a long life. As for myself, I will have to learn to live with his absence.

Funny. The thought of his guilty conscience makes my stomach churn with tension, and then my next thought comes out of nowhere. _Damn him and his guilt._ The anger that floods my brain with the words is surprisingly sharp, and very real. Too strong an emotion for me to want to explore while I am already raw. I force the feeling into silence and an edgy sort of calm returns to me again.

I am very good at suppressing my emotions. I have had years of practise, and in the last few months I have certainly relied on that ability to hold my sanity together, even if it is only being held by the thinnest of threads.

I _would_ compartmentalise this like all the rest and deal with it later. What point was there in being angry with him? He had only been honest, and my feelings are something that I have to deal with.

He shifts under me slightly, and my heart flutters happily as his arms wrap more tightly around my waist. I cling tighter to him myself in reciprocation, wishing that this physical contact could shut off my thoughts and allow me to stay buried within the sensation of his closeness. Of course, I am deluding myself. My flow of thoughts continues unabated with the unwelcome contemplation of my future.

I am alone, my new Existentialist-style brain proclaims. It's a shame that my heart doesn't want to agree.

My life is my sole burden once again, and one I have to get used to carrying on my own. This thought above all others depresses me the most. Now that I have experienced the before and the after of him touching my world, the after seems like a very grey place in which to exist. I will endure, because what else can I do? Perhaps with enough time the greyness will lighten, but I doubt that I will ever again experience the brilliance of colour Edward has brought to my world.

This - the way I am feeling – my reaction to the emotional mess I am drowning in – is inevitable, and I take a strange sort of comfort from it, because I didn't know how to react any differently to my world as it exists now.

How was it that Charlie had described me to Alice; a constant little thing? I suppose he is right. I tend to trust my instincts and commit to a decision. How else could I have found myself irrevocably in love with a vampire? I believe, before I knew I was in love with him, that some part of me had known I _would_ love Edward. It doesn't make sense, but that is my instinct. I have chosen my path accordingly, and I know I will not deviate from it.

I don't know any other way to be. I don't want to be any other way, because that would deny what we had once been. Perfect. At least, in my eyes, and I am unwilling to allow that memory to fade. So I cling willingly to my misery with both hands, stubborn to the last.

His hands are moving again, sliding through my hair and down my back, feather light, and rhythmically soothing. I love these gentle touches that he gifts me with, and I wish that I could make myself return his touch, but even in my denial I will not allow myself that pleasure. It will be too much to lose again. My abstinence will make it hurt less, later. So I keep my hands _pretty much_ to myself.

I can sense that there is hesitancy within him too. As if he doesn't want to move beyond this level of gentle intimacy. Though he strokes and holds me, he has made no attempt to kiss me on the lips. I imagine he feels this to be inappropriate for us now, and it breaks my heart all over again to realise that he is thinking that "we" are not a "we" anymore. So, his gentle touch and stroking have to be taken as I am sure they are meant, as guilty reassurance that I will be fine. That his actions haven't caused me immediate harm.

It is heavenly torture, but I allow myself this much, because it is all I have left. He scooped me up and placed me here against his heart when the seat belt signs switched off after the plane climbed above Rome so he is allowing this contact, and I will not push for more, could not cope with more.

_Who is the masochistic one now?_ The thought morosely crosses my mind, and I recall his words from the meadow a lifetime ago. Well, my masochistic lion has fixed himself, and it is up to me to deal with it.

I feel like a mental cheer squad as I spin the words out in my head. I must endure, survive, cope, continue. Ra Ra Ra. The reality is that I want to curl up into a ball and sob away my misery until there is nothing left of me to find.

I am a mess. Intellectually I know that. So here I sit, struggling with a mixed up gaggle of warring emotions. Wired on a mixture of caffeine, sugar, and adrenaline, and yet at peace to be with him again, safely tucked against him while he strokes my hair.

At peace, but at the same time at war with a building sense of dread for the next separation which is coming ever closer as the airplane flies towards Seattle. I am dying by degrees and there is nothing that I can do about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Minutes pass and I manage to keep my brain silent. Perhaps I succeed for as many as five, but I know that the sense of separation from reality that I have been able to maintain is slowly but surely fading.

Everything around me - the dimly lit understated luxury of the First Class cabin, the sounds of sleeping passengers, the soft swish of the skirt of one of the stewardesses as she walks down the aisle towards the galley is intruding on me. Even Alice, who is sitting across the aisle like a beautiful, silent apparition, is an interruption of sorts.

The sound of a window blind being pulled up draws my attention towards Alice. I feel my breathing speeding up to a more panicky rhythm, as I realise the small patch of sky she is studying from the dark cabin is no longer pitch black. The morning is catching up with us.

_We have things to talk about_, my brain insists. I should and do have a hundred questions to ask, and I deserve answers. I cannot remain mute any longer. Once the plane lands, he will leave and I will run out of time. I quiver at the thought of the landing.

Edward notices my shift from boneless stillness to borderline panic. He pulls back from me trying to see my face. My hands immediately claw handfuls of his shirt as I tuck my face tighter into his throat. At this moment I can't bear the thought of looking at him, it will hurt too much.

I feel his lips touch my ear and a shiver gently shudders down my spine in reaction, followed by another as I feel his lips move against my skin when he speaks.

"Bella?"

There is a question in the way he says my name, and I don't know how to answer. The risk inherent if words are spoken scares so much that I feel sick, because talking means that he will leave so much sooner. Instead of replying, I cling tightly to him, petrified.

Trying to stop myself spinning into complete panic, my eyes shift to Alice sitting across from us. Am I asking her to help? I have no idea. Her dark eyes are watching me quizzical and confused.

I'm not sure when my shivers became trembles, but I am trembling now as Alice and I stare at each other.

I wonder if she has seen what is going to happen next. Would she tell me if she had? If she could tell me - explain how my greatest fear might play out - would it help? Would it destroy me a little less to know? Immersed in my growing panic, I can't believe that anything can save me now.

Alice's eyes don't hold answers, I realise. They are questioning me, like Edward, and I don't have answers for her either.

_Breathe, _my brain screams. A lung full of air whooshes past my lips as my lungs respond, and stutters back out. With repetition of this routine some sort of control returns to my quivering muscles.

"Bella?" Edward asks again with more insistence.

He shapes my cheeks with his strong hands, and I willingly nuzzle my face against his fingers. He is once again giving me a hint of heaven in the middle of hell. My trembling returns twice as hard as before. With gentle but definite pressure, he turns my face up to his searching eyes.

I was right. It did hurt to look at him. He is _so_ beautiful. _Too_ beautiful to be for me.

"Are you okay?" Edward asks studying me intently.

"I-I...." My voice is trembling as hard as my body. _Damn it_.

"I'm f-fine."

_I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this._ The refrain of my panicky thoughts shout inside my head, in time with my heart.

Edward is leaning closer now, hunching over me protectively with anxious eyes.

My brain is working hard to try to pull the shattered pieces of me back together. Edward suddenly seems too close to me, too intense. I need distance to regain some control. I need my hands to let go of him. I need to let go of him.

_I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. _The same words are getting louder inside of me.

I surprise myself when my hands respond, and my death grip on his shirt stops.

Now, I need my face removed from his hands. Skin to skin contact is no longer my prerogative or right.

_Don't do this. Don't do this. Don't do this. _The voice in my head in screaming at me now and I realise that it is my heart that is screaming at me, even as my brain instructs my body to let go.

I stiffen and sit upright in his lap, using the pretence of stretching up to make him drop his hands.

He seems confused momentarily, and his hands hover in open space as though he doesn't know what to do with them. I know what I want him to do. I want him to grab me back against his chest, and never let go. Instead his expression evens out, mask-like, and he places empty hands by his side. I am simultaneously relieved and heartbroken, as I sit perched awkwardly on his lap, bereft.

When Edward moves as if he wants to embrace me again, my emotions go into freefall, seesawing from loneliness, to raw anger, and then lurching sickeningly to panic. Blind panic; in case he doesn't reach for me.

Responding to the emotional overload, I react rashly and push clumsily off of his lap, fighting for control. I can't have him touching me. That wasn't allowed any more. I find myself sitting ramrod straight in my seat by the window struggling to know what to do next.

_Distance. I need some distance._ I wanted off of this emotional roller coaster, and I wanted off of it now.

Edward is watching me with a wary expression, and I scramble around for an excuse that is going to get me some space. Some time to regain any tenuous element of control.

"I need a human minute." I mutter. Actually, I needed to get the hell out of Dodge, but short of sprouting wings or finding a stray parachute, I am stuck. Hiding in the restroom until I get a grip is about the only choice I have.

He smiles at me with a look of relief. "I knew all that soda was going to be a problem eventually," he laughs, and I fake a smile for him in return.

_Who's in denial now_, I think, illogically irate. Just as quickly, I am feeling borderline tearful with guilt. God, I am a mess. But I focus all of my strength on projecting a lie for both our benefits.

I will be _normal, calm, acceptable_ Bella for him. The same Bella that Charlie has come to know recently. He would see no sign of the riotous tumble of emotions, which are careering around inside of me. No evidence of broken Bella for him to feel guilty over would be allowed to come to the surface. Not at this moment anyway.

Now that I have some direction, I feel a little calm return, but it is shaky at best. I stand up beside my seat, grateful that my legs seem to be behaving. Edward, with an effortless display of manners, moves out into the aisle for me and stands back so that I can step out ahead of him. With far less aplomb, I scramble out into the aisle, praying my feet will not trip me up en route, and force myself to walk, rather than run, towards the restroom.

I am about two steps away from our row when I feel Edward's hand against the small of my back, and I flinched involuntarily. Well, the flinch came second; the tingle of reaction to his touch comes first.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

"Coming with you," he replies calmly with a smile.

"I think I can manage to go potty by myself," I mutter sarcastically, feeling the unwanted temper simmering just below the service of my control.

He misunderstands my sarcasm for an expression of feminine delicacy, and turns to look at Alice, silently asking her to bodyguard me to the restroom.

"Edward. What trouble can I get into walking 32 feet down a corridor in a plane at 30 thousand feet?" I whispered angrily.

"I wouldn't like to speculate an answer, trouble magnet that you are, " he whispers, his voice amused. He reaches for my hand, and seems startled when I jerk it away.

"If you are _so_ sure that trouble likes my company, perhaps you should have thought twice about leaving me alone in Forks while Laurent was lurking feeling hungry!" I hiss, my voice poisonous in both tone and intent.

He looks like I have struck him in the stomach with a baseball bat. His face is a study in miserable, guilty contrition.

"More God damn guilt!" The words escape me before I have a chance to quiet my brain's formally silent and internal ranting.

Then as fast as the rage rises within me, it collapses, leaving me feeling empty and remorseful for my lack of control. Emptiness is what I fear the most; I would prefer to stay angry.

_I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. _

My previous internal mantra begins at the same time as the trembling, and I struggle with an urge to flee from the panic that is so strong inside me that it is visceral.

Pleading now, I choke out the words, "I-I, can't do this now, Edward."

And I can't. I can't deal with more of his guilt. I don't have the words to ask the questions I need to ask or the strength to hear the answers I know he will give. I need some time. So I stumble down the aisle towards the restroom, praying that it is not occupied. Praying even harder that the love of my life does not follow.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When your world is coming down around you, what do you do? If you're me, you hide in a restroom on a plane and try to cling to your sanity by your fingernails.

Busy hands and busy thoughts mean a slightly calmer Bella. So I use the facilities, pondering why a claustrophobic, rattling plastic cupboard could ever be called a _rest_room.

I wash my shaking hands in the basin that looks remarkably like one that could be found in a 'normal class cabin', trying to think of more ways to extend my time behind the locked door. Where are Alice and her over flowing cosmetics bag when you need them?

The reflection in the harshly lit mirror above the basin makes me flinch. I don't want to recognise the thin faced, hollow eyed wraith that gazes back at me from the mirror, but she is me. She is the me who has greeted Charlie silently every morning at the breakfast table since Edward left. The me that has scared people away from sitting beside me in class.

Edward took the Bella that I was away when he removed himself from my life. The girl with the scared, haunted eyes in the mirror is what he left behind.

"Stop it!" I yell at the mirror, stumbling away from her image as far as the small room will allow until I hit the door. It is here that I choose to stand and tremble, resting my forehead against the cool, metal surface trying desperately to hold myself together.

I am already letting the emptiness consume me, and he hasn't even left yet. I need to be stronger than this. I force my breathing to slow, and manage to hold back the sobs that are climbing inside me trying to claw their way out into the world.

Hiding in this room is less appealing with _her_ reflection staring balefully at me with silent accusation. It no longer offers me any refuge, so I unlock to door and step into the empty corridor. The alcove that I am standing in between the entrance to the galley and the restroom door is shadowy compared to the dimly lit cabin beyond. I find the darkness comforting somehow; concealing. So I hesitate in the shadows unsure what to do next.

In my preoccupation I do not realise that I have been staring sightlessly towards the galley for so long that I have caught the attention of one of the stewardesses who is standing beside me with a politely enquiring smile on her face.

Feeling uncomfortable to have been caught hiding, I focus on her name badge rather than her face. The shiny embossed, silver metal reads "Jody Adams." I make myself look at her properly when Jody starts to speak to me.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

_I need Edward love me again._ The thought flashed through my brain unbidden.

_Edward._

I turn my head to look back down the cabin, craning slightly to get a clearer view. My reason for breathing is standing in the aisle by the seat next to Alice, and they appear to be arguing. I can read his tension in the way he is holding himself. He doesn't like whatever she is telling him.

"Edward."

I vocalise the name of my pain silently, but his head turns sharply towards me and the intensity in his eyes even from a distance holds me frozen. I shake my head as he takes a step closer to me, but truthfully don't understand what I am saying no to.

Alice's small hand moves blindingly fast, and his progress is halted when she grabs his arm. Edward turns to face her again, anger gracing his face, before turning back to look at me with a frustrated glare.

I step away from his line of sight, and pull in a stuttering breath in reaction, releasing it with a sobbing sound that the stewardess does not miss.

"Do you need a minute maybe?"

_No, I need Edward to love me again._

Her eyes are compassionate, and I stare at her dumbly as she takes my elbow and pulls me towards the galley. I comply without comment, when she gestures for me to sit in one of the crew seats that fold down from the wall in the little room.

"Do you want some water?" she asks, pressing a glass into my hand. "You were looking a bit overwhelmed there."

_Because I need Edward to love me again. _Pathetic, I am so pathetic.

"He's very handsome." That got my attention. She said it with a glint in her eye, and my reaction is not kind. Eyes narrow, I stare her down automatically jealous.

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that." She giggles delightedly, and shows me her left hand, while wiggling her ring finger at me displaying an attractive diamond solitaire.

I flush with guilt at my overreaction, and try to hide it by sipping the water.

"I'm very happily spoken for," she smiles. "It's just, night flights get boring, and I like to people watch. Well, you know." She looks embarrassed. "I noticed that you two seemed very intense."

I suppose we would stand out as being different from the norm, a bronze haired Adonis with a mousy little girl on his lap. I understand why she had stopped to speculate about us.

"Then you seemed upset, so I thought you might need help."

It was clear that my silence was making her regret her decision to help me, and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I was actually, grateful that her diversion was giving me some cowardly avoidance from the conversation that I should be having with Edward.

"Things are a bit difficult just now." I say softly.

"Did you have a falling out?" There was no speculation in her eyes, and I guess that she has no particular agenda. She only wants to draw me out of myself.

I know Edward could or most likely would be listening to every word of this conversation through her eyes, but I want to return her kindness with something close to honesty.

"We've been apart for a while." I whisper. "It's been very hard for me." I jump when her warm hand touches my knee sympathetically.

"Has he been away at college?" I don't correct her mistake; I want her to be left with a nice story to lighten her boring night flight. She doesn't need to understand my agony, even though I know it was written all over my face.

"He's been in Italy." I say instead, and I am mortified when another tearless sob escapes me.

"Oh, honey, it's okay. You just need to talk to each other. I've seen the way he looks at you. You just need to talk it out."

She is wrong with both statements. There is nothing but guilt in the way he looks at me, and the talk that I am about to force myself to have with him could only end one way.

She is upset by the expression I have on my face so I try harder to hide my emotions.

"You're right, I know, you're right. I'm just being spineless about this. It's just – hard."

She smiles encouragingly at me, and I so wish I could have a 'happy ever after story' for her to contribute to, but there wasn't going to be a happy ending to this, however it played out. So I supply her with some well meaning white lies instead.

"I will talk to him, I promise. You are right; I did need a moment to pull myself together." I smile tentatively for her again. "Thank you."

I am incredibly grateful for her kindness and compassion, but like all things, this conversation and my reprieve have to come to an end.

We both stand up and I know he is there without having to turn around. Jody's slightly startled reaction to his silent approach gives him away.

"Bella?"

My obligated bodyguard has come to collect me, and he ghosts to my side, standing close enough for his chest to be in chilly, electrifying contact with my back.

Jody's eyes are appraising as she watches Edward position himself protectively beside me. She smiles at me with a knowing smile. She likes what she sees, but she doesn't know that his posture is all about duty not love.

"Thank you for the drink." I say, handing her the empty glass.

"My pleasure."

Edward's hand touches my neck, his thumb stroking circles over my collar bone, before he slides it gently down my arm to clasp my hand, interrupting my goodbyes with this lovely woman.

"Thank you for your help." He says to Jody, with his honey smooth voice and I can see that she is now thoroughly dazzled.

I let him turn me around and followed him back down the aisle with my hand held tightly in his.

When we pass Alice, she smiles at me softly, but the smile melts into a grimace when she looks up at Edward. He stops beside her, and hisses softly at her under his breath.

I use his distraction to drop his hand and slide back into my seat, turning my head to the now open window blind, and fain an interest in the lightening sky out the window whilst counting my breaths in and out until I feel a curious sort of calm come over me.

The final, invisible cords that still hold Edward and I together have to be cut, and I am the one who now holds the metaphorical scissors. My denial is over, here is where _our_ story ends.


	4. Chapter 4

_**This chapter contains text from Stephenie Meyer's book New Moon, specifically Chapter 23, "The Truth".**_

**Chapter 4**

It's funny how I've been anticipating the pain that will follow the words that we need to share, but in the end it seems that his silence is _even_ harder to bear. Regardless, I wait for him to talk.

He looks, for want of a different word, uncertain, bewildered even. Thinking about it, this isn't an expression that I have ever seen him wear, and it sits heavy on his face. With his eyes downcast, brows drawn together, and his mouth is set in a thin, tight line.

My heart wants to reach out and smooth the wretched expression off his face. My head keeps me immobile in my seat, though I use words to try to give him some relief.

"We need to talk," I offer as a beginning, letting out the breath that I didn't realise I had been holding.

Edward studies my face. His eyes are guarded and his face is contorted with the intensity of his thoughts. His hand reaches for mine, but I pull back before he makes contact, my eyes wide. His eyes fall shut as he returns his hand to his lap and his fingers clench into a tight fist.

I wonder if this is how he felt back when he cared about not being able hear my thoughts. To anticipate words, reach out for a response, and gain nothing but frustrating, isolating silence. Sitting here beside him while he wordlessly battles with himself, secure inside his head, I am left as an outsider looking in and it feels lonely.

"Just tell me the truth," I prompt. "Where have you been, Edward?"

I'm offering him an out. It's time to let him go. And even though it hurts, I offer him the contact that he was seeking before and let my hand settle over his clenched fist.

Edward looks up at me and there's a sort of relief in his face. Perhaps, he has decided on the words that he wants to say to bring this encounter to an end. He places his other hand on top of my own and sandwiches it tightly between both of his palms. The familiar cool touch of his skin against mine brings comfort despite all of the pain that we have been us.

"Tracking. Tracking Victoria."

My sharp intake of breath at the mention of my wannabe murderess seems to cause him pain, and he rushed into his next words with an urgent, agitated inflection to his voice.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea..."

His words sort of mush down and blur into the back of my mind. Like the auditory equivalent of squinting. I am hearing the words, but I'm focusing more on one thought that is shrieking inside my head.

"... I didn't realise the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you in Forks. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back..."

He knew about Victoria? It was Victoria that he was guilt tripping on, not the Laurent bomb that I had ranted at him about earlier? Did he have some prior knowledge of Victoria's movement before he left me alone? Some idea that she still posed a threat to me?

"...that you had to put your safety into the hands of werewolves..."

'You must not mean very much to him, to have been left here unprotected'. Laurent's unbearable words in the meadow came back to me with full, painful force. My mind was not able to grasp that he – they – left me, knowing that Victoria was still a threat. Even if he hadn't known she planned to exact revenge on me directly, he must have considered her to be a risk to bother tracking her in the first place, right?

As much he might have wanted to leave me behind as soon as possible, surely he should have had enough affection for me to secure my safety first. Charlie's safety even, until Victoria was dealt with. Had he been in so much of a hurry to relieve himself, of the burden of me, to leave without considering that?

The empty chasm where my heart used to exist suddenly feels like it is ready to rip open even wider. Creating a new fracture from which the corrosive emptiness that I fight to contain every day can escape.

Like a door being slammed shut behind a loud noise, one thought shouts at me loudest and muting all of the rest. It moves my focus away from the emptiness toward the one point that I need to achieve with this conversation. The one element of his life that I need to allow mine to struggle on without him, a single demand that I must make and will expect him to commit to, before he leaves me again; _his continued existence. _

The reasons why.

My pain.

His guilt.

Any of the thousand emotions that this situation stirs up inside of me.

_None_ of these matter.

Edward's voice blurs back into focus again, but his words are meaningless to me. Only his future intent matters now.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core even now, when you are safe here with me... I am the most miserable excuse for – "

I interrupt his guilty confession with as calm a voice as I can manage. "Edward. This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this...this guilt...rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realise that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, not your fault. I know it's your...nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle."

"You believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty?" _I have to be honest; his incredulity at my monologue is not what I was expecting.

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then...what are you saying?"

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death, even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it second hand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral. What are the odds?"

"But I don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I _was_ dead?"

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember _everything_ that you told me." Every single word is tattooed across my soul.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension. I thought I'd explained it clearly before. I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"Where are you going with this?" My voice was louder than I meant it to be and sounds even louder as it echoes around the previously silent cabin. Is he trying to say what I think he is trying to say? I shake my head in denial. This doesn't make sense.

"Are you saying that you left me – loving me?" I stumble over the word love, forcing it past the lump in my throat. The spark of anger that _was_ quietly kindling within my previously dampened down emotional control is now ready to ignite.

Edward reaches for me with guilt twisting his exquisite features.

"You're lying!" I pull my hand away from his and jerk myself away from him until my back slams with bruising force against the window wall.

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

"You call me a trouble magnet and yet you are willing to leave me for my own good? You promised that you would protect me." This is a low blow, I know, but the words keep flowing out of my mouth relentlessly. I've fallen over the edge into a tempest and there is no reaching for control now.

"Let me finish!"

"There are no words that you can tell me Edward that will ever justify this." I snap.

I want so badly in this moment for my brain to be wide open to him so that he can experience every second of the agonising pain that he put me through from the minute he turned his back on me in those woods. So he can see firsthand how I became a stranger to my parents and friends. How I could only function day to day, minute to minute even, to try to lessen Charlie's worry. But he can't hear my thoughts, and he is still talking to me with his urgent, hushed voice.

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye, you weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it. It felt like it would kill me to do it, but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you any more, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you. Still, for you to believe me so quickly." He winced. "That was...excruciating."

The small kindling spark of anger is now climbing in significance to a full blown forest fire as I hear him say he left me for my own good, because he loves me more than life, and _then _he accuses me of not having faith in his love?

"So what are you saying Edward? It was some sort of test, and I failed? You presented me with my worst nightmare, dressed up in all of my insecurities about myself...us... and I failed you, because I didn't argue with you?"

"I only left to try to protect you."

I force myself out of my seat to stand and he mirrors the movement. Alice is standing too, because we are attracting an audience, but I don't care.

"You want to know how protected you left me? You want to know how Sam Uley and the Quileute Pack found me lying semiconscious in the dirt on the forest floor after I tried to follow you? Guess you were moving too fast to hear me, huh? That they had to carry me back to Charlie's house. How the only thing I could say was, 'he's gone'. Then I said next to nothing for about a week."

Edward flinches suddenly, but I don't care. These feelings and words have been burning inside of me for too long. The release of them is as cathartic as it is damaging.

"You have no idea, do you? How they intervened again when Laurent found me in the meadow, or that part of me wished that they hadn't stopped him. If that is your idea of safety, then you need to think again. You'd have been better to leave me with James. At least then the agony would have been finite."

I am ranting at him in code. The small piece of control that I have left is at least making sure that I don't blurt out the existence of vampires to the entire plane, but my voice is getting louder, spiralling towards hysteria with every sentence.

"After what happened with Jasper, instead of talking to me about it, you shut down on me. Shut me out. Do you think I didn't realise that there was something more going on with you that evening, the next day? I knew, in fact I felt sick to my stomach with stress over it. You shut me out, and then made decisions for both of us based on what you thought was right. Well look how well that worked out."

He is frozen now, his face distressed, but I can't seem to find any compassion for him. I am busy trying to deal with my own pain.

"We should have pulled together when faced with a problem; instead it pulled us apart. You hid what you were feeling from me, and then you ran away."

I have reached my limit. Faster than I can make a decision about where I am actually trying to go, I am fleeing. I manage to get past his seat and half way into the aisle before his hand grabs my arm.

I meet Alice's worried expression immediately, then the staring faces of various other passengers woken by my tirade, and then the angry expression of one of the Stewardesses who is scolding us for the disturbance.

Alice is trying to explain my reaction by labelling me a bad traveller and apologising for the excesses of my reaction. Jody is standing behind her, speaking placatory words to her colleague. I can hardly pay attention to this, though. It is all just inconsequential background noise to me.

"Edward, let me go, _now_!"

"No."

"Bella." Alice's tries to intervene. "Edward, let her go, you don't want to have this conversation here."

He is as oblivious to her as I am, and I feel a tug on my arm from Edward. I struggle against him without thinking about any consequences. This is a private war for two. In the intensity of the moment, neither of us considers the world outside of it.

Alice is trying and succeeding to calm the second Flight Attendant. Her soprano voice is higher than usual. Stressed, but controlled. With Jody's assistance the second Stewardess leaves, mollified.

"Edward!" she hisses, but is ignored.

I don't want to do this anymore. I start struggling again, hoping that physical force will work when words have failed.

"_No_." His voice is thick with emotion.

Alice tries to intervene again, ignoring Jody who is hovering uncertainly on the periphery of the storm. Unable to get a response from Edward, she tries to appeal to me. It is the softest touch of her fingers against my cheek that pulls me jarringly back from the tempest into the gentle understanding that is reflecting in her eyes.

I finally notice the audience of other passengers who are enthralled by our little soap opera. I bet they never realised that they would see the drama of Bella and Edward for free when they bought their tickets. The disapproving Stewardess should have offered them refreshments with their entertainment rather than trying to stop the show.

A hysterical giggle works its way passed my throat, but it comes out as a sob, and I start to tremble in reaction. I stare at Alice's face like she is a lifeline. I have to get out of here before my legs give out or I throw up in reaction. The trembling becomes out and out shaking as I feel cold hands touch my waist and I flinch.

When did he let go of my arm?

"Bella." My name in his angel's voice is soft and pleading. Barely a whisper. There is no fight left in either of us now, and I am so tired.

I realise that his hands on my waist are shaking, and my eyes flash to him instinctively, trying to find out why, knowing that this reaction in me is wrong, so very wrong.

His eyes are black because he hasn't hunted in so long, and they seem huge in his face. They are pleading with me to move back to him, reflecting an ancient grief as bright as a flame.

He is making me drown again. I try to pull away, and I shake my head negatively in answer to his pleading. My brain screams for my feet to move, but I am stuck, held immobile within the onyx flame of his eyes. His acute loneliness touches my soul and makes me ache for him again.

"Bella" he says his voice almost a sigh. The hands on my waist apply gentle pressure, making my traitorous feet turn towards him and bringing me infinitesimally closer to his side.

I can feel that I am giving in. How can I not? There he stands, the reason for my existence in pain. What else could I do but to gravitate towards him? One more time I try. My head shakes again, pleading, but I'm not sure why. My boundaries seem so blurry now. Unimportant.

His hands have stopped shaking now, and he seems surer of me as he pulls me toward him a little more strongly and quickly, my willing feet moving easily now.

"Bella, _love_."

He sounds relieved as my hands rise to meet the wall of his chest, and he shudders gently under me.

Both of his hands slide from my waist up my back. One moves into my hair, and pulls my face into his neck, and I feel him relax under my trembling hands. I take in an erratic breath, sucking in a lung full of his sweet scent, and feel him mirror my breath with one of his own.

I don't try to look up at him as he starts to rock us both as we stand entwined. I listen instead to him murmuring my name under his breath repeatedly.

"Bella, Bella, Bella..."

I am drawn to Alice's eyes which are staring back at me with a silent message. Is she apologising?

"Why?" My lips form the words. No sound comes out, but she understands.

"_We_ made a mistake, leaving," Alice says with conviction, and for just the briefest of seconds there is a flash of something in her eyes; doubt. And I know in that instant that Alice hadn't wanted to leave.

The rocking stops in the same moment when the realisation of my understanding is reflected in Alice's eyes. I pull back from him slowly. Surprisingly, he offers no resistance and I am standing between them, with Alice to my left and Edward to my right.

I turn to look up at him, my mouth silently forming the words that my brain is thinking. "You made them leave." The flash of guilt on his face is enough to confirm the accusation.

"You mean, _he_ made a mistake." I'm looking at Edward, but the words are meant for Alice.

I continue to study him intensely, ignoring the noises of the other passengers settling back down now that the excitement is over.

"You took her away." I feel like I should be screaming at him, but my voice is barely a whisper. "My happiness, my family, the life I had chosen, _our_ future. "

My eyes are so full of tears that I can't see clearly now, and a gut deep sob shudders through me and out of my lips, despite my attempts to hold back.

I can see that he is struggling to find the _right_ words to fix this, but the flash of guilt on his face is enough to reignite my intuition. There is no fixing this.

In one horrible moment it all becomes clear to me. My painful epiphany arrives. He will leave me again eventually. Because his guilty nobility will persuade him it is for the best. I know I won't survive again. And I need to survive. I have responsibilities: Charlie, Renee, Jacob. They would be hurt if I turned my head to the wall and gave up, like I so nearly did last time. I have to fight to stay away from him because he isn't strong enough to fight to stay with me.

"I really wish I could hate you. It would be easier than this," I whisper, and I watch as his eyes widen with hurt.

I move away from him so fast that he has no time to react, squeezing past Alice's frozen form to take the window seat beside her, turning my back on Edward and physically putting an end to the conversation. There will be no more words tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

If necessity is the mother of invention, then my silence is the fruit of that necessity, and reality is a whole other matter. It's not like I'm going to get the chance to sit and embrace my anger in silence, because I know Edward isn't going to respect my wishes and leave it at that. Just when have _my_ wishes figured in his motivation or behaviour lately?

Once Alice has persuaded Jody that everything will stay calm, she leaves and a _sort_ _of_ silence follows. I wish I could believe Alice's smoothly expressed assurances because calm is not an emotion with which I am familiar at the moment.

The anger feels good, strong, and I find that weirdly pleasing. Better than the emptiness that I find so debilitating. My Edward-induced emotional void is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I don't want to go back to that place inside of myself ever again.

Nobody's attention seems to be on me at the moment, except my own, but other conversations are happening around me. They start when Alice puts herself between Edward and any attempt he might make to reach me. A silent, to human ears at least, war of words follows, punctuated periodically by Alice making angry huffing noises under her breath. Edward makes no noise at all, but I can imagine that his expression is fierce. The quiet, but menacingly feral, growl that he makes several minutes into their confrontation confirms my assumptions.

I remain turned away from them, staring sightlessly out of the window. I know that they are arguing about me, and I probably should take more interest or at least watch their silent sibling fight, but I am too damn tired to care.

As rapidly as it begins, it ends when Alice, standing tiny and determined in the aisle, says in a low, rough voice. "That's enough for now, Edward. We've made enough of a scene for one night."

I cringe. Not yet a Cullen, I have already broken the most fundamental of rules. Vampires 101, rule number one: remain inconspicuous.

From across the aisle I hear the sound of leather protesting under the weight of somebody sitting heavily into the seat. A few seconds later Alice takes her seat, and despite myself, I relax a little. Evidently, their discussion is over.

When Alice lets out an unnecessarily noisy sigh, I jump in reaction. "I know Edward, there is no need to _shout,"_ Alice says under her breath.

I guess the vampire conversation hasn't finished after all. It occurs to me that Alice speaking out loud suggests a change in the tenor of their argument, and I tense in response.

I know that Edward wants to hash this out now, but I'm not ready or in the mood, to oblige him about anything much at the moment. I irreverently think how nice it would be to be able to have a mental answering service. _Sorry, Bella isn't available at the moment; please leave your message after the beep..._ Then I could call-screen Edward for now. Good idea, but fat chance. Besides, when have I ever been able to ignore Edward?

"Bella," Alice says calmly, sounding like a parent mediating a squabble between wayward children, "Edward wants me to ask you to come back to sit with him. He wants to talk."

I straighten out of my defensive hunch and look over to him. He is staring straight at me with his eyes narrow and jaw clenched. He's angry, and I feel my own temper rising. What right does he have to be angry? I am the wronged party here. _He _left _me, _not the other way around.

"No. No more talking!" I say, screwing my eyes shut and clenching my hands into fists at the same time. Both match my heart which feels as if the life is being squeezed out of it as I figuratively try to shove him away from me. It feels _so_ wrong, and my resolve wavers. So I – weak, stupid, idiot that I am – look at him again. I never could resist those eyes.

He is twisted lithely around to face me, half stretched across the seat next to him, poised to pounce. His eyes are a turbulent onyx and portray a curious mixture of hurt and annoyance with just the smallest hint of defiance.

"My Bella. Stubborn as ever." He shakes his head in exasperation, but his voice is soft, wrapping warmly around the syllables of my name sensuously.

I get it. He's trying to dazzle me, but I'm not buying what he is selling even as my heart thrills in response to his efforts. I stare him down, unwilling to be the first to back down, but weakling that I am I feel myself waver again, so I switch tactics and go onto the offensive.

"You left, remember? I haven't been _your_ Bella for a _long_ time."

He flinches, and I know I hit my mark but it doesn't make me feel good. However much he's hurt me, it gives me no pleasure to cause him pain.

I'm tired of this fight, and it shows in my flat voice as I turn away from him and close my eyes. "Just leave me alone, Edward. I'm not ready to talk to you."

"He's upset, Bella, and worried about you."

Alice is trying to help. Help him, not me in my opinion, but I don't want her to be the diplomat in this situation because I need her to be my best friend. I need her to be on my side, even though I know it is an unfair expectation.

"I just want to sit here, Alice. I can't speak to him just now. Don't you see why?"

I flash a quick glance to where Edward is sitting, and he meets my gaze immediately. There is a pleading quality to his expression that makes me want to run to him and soothe the frown off his beautiful face. However, anger and my newfound sense of self-preservation hold me frozen in the seat beside Alice. Stubbornness makes me hold his eye contact again until he throws himself back into his seat with an angry sigh.

"I understand completely, Bella, but Edward isn't exactly listening to reason just now."

"I am sitting right here, and I don't appreciate being referred to in the third person." He sounds almost petulant, but then Edward is accustomed to getting his own way.

A wave of exhaustion breaks over me, and I shake my head to try to clear the fatigue from my fogged brain, feeling a pressure headache building behind my eyes. I don't have any more reserves of energy left. Alice turns towards me, presenting her narrow back to her brother as I put my hand to my aching head with a quiet groan.

Sleep is the only thing that will provide relief, but the likelihood of me actually falling asleep in the middle of this war zone is slim. Perhaps I should just sit here and close my eyes for the next couple of hours and fake it. At least I wouldn't have to deal with his beautiful, tortured face. Another thought occurs to me and I pursue it as a means of escape.

"Look, maybe I should go and see if there is a seat in Coach; get out of both your way."

"No!" Both Alice and Edward vocalise their objection to my plan at the same time.

"Don't be silly, Bella," Edward adds, but I am too damn tired to formulate a pithy response.

"Fine. I'm just going to try to sleep here. I don't want any more drama."

"Are you okay?" Alice asks, running a hand over my head. I feel lightheaded, suddenly and wilt slightly against Alice's shoulder.

"Bella, love, what's the matter?"

"Do be quiet, Edward!" Alice snaps. "She's tired; what did you expect?"

I know I'm not imagining the growl that I hear coming from his seat or the hiss that Alice fires back at him.

"I'm about as far from okay as I have ever been, Alice," I reply candidly, too tired to try to dress it up for her. Her eyes look worried, and she flashes an annoyed look over at Edward again.

"Headache?"

I nod, wincing at the pain the movement causes.

"Do you want something for it? I can go and ask for something?"

My heart almost jumps out of my chest at the thought of Alice leaving my side. I need her here in case Edward tries anything. I can't deal with that just now. Let's be honest, I can't deal with anything at the moment, and I need to stay strong.

Looking over at Edward my fears are confirmed. He is sitting on the edge of his seat again ready to move.

Alice looks from her brother back to me and sighs loudly, patting my hands, "Okay, Bella, I won't move. You have my bodyguard services willingly available for the rest of the flight."

She presses the call button on her armrest while smiling at Edward, showing slightly more teeth than normal. Edward returns her expression with one equally as menacing, and I can't help but compare them to two dogs fighting over a marrowbone.

There is a blur of movement beside Alice and a piece of paper appears in her hand. She hands it to me wordlessly.

Part of me might have enjoyed the sense of asinine lunacy of this situation if it wasn't for the fact that I am only just holding onto my sanity by the skin of my teeth. We are like young children passing notes in class.

In Edward's elegant handwriting, the note reads:

_Please Bella, come back and sit with me. I promise not to speak to you if that is what you want. You can hate me forever, but I still won't leave. I just want to feel you in my arms. Is that asking so much? Edward_

No 'Love Edward' I notice sourly, but then why would he have written that? After all, I had been dismissed several months ago. Oh no, wait! He left me _loving_ me. _Now_ I remember. I appear to be channelling both Sarcastic and Angry Bella.

I crush the note into a ball and flick it towards him across the aisle. Well, I said no words, didn't I? For once my aim is accurate, and the ball of paper sails towards his forehead but never makes contact. Stupid vampire reflexes.

Edward is up and standing in the aisle beside Alice's seat before I can blink. I look up at him and can see by the stubborn set to his mouth that he has had enough as the muscles along his jaw clench and unclench.

Alice, true to her word, stands up and faces off with her brother in my defence. "Don't you dare, Edward! She asked you for some space; now back off."

He flashes a furious glare at us both, then pivots on his heel and stalks off towards the back of the plane. I'm pretty sure he is swearing as he walks away. I guess Edward has really reached his limit tonight, too.

I don't have very long to enjoy my immature, self-satisfying victory because Smug Bella gets a reality check when I realise that Jody is hovering in the aisle beside us, looking taken aback. I cringe. Of course, Alice pressed the call button. It's one thing to act like a brat but something else entirely to be caught in the act. Flushing red, I leave Smug Bella behind. I'm back to good old Embarrassed Bella, now.

Alice, smooth as ever, has my back. "Men," she trills with a conspiratorial roll of her eyes trying to engage Jody in a woman-to-woman universal battle of the sexes. "I adore my brother, but he does so love to get his own way. He will calm down in a while."

Jody smiles widely at Alice. "You rang. Do you need anything?"

"Bella has a headache. Do you have something that could help?"

"Of course, I'll be right back. I'm sure you don't want to have a headache if you're going to have fun making up later." She grins again and Alice's bell like laugh rings out delightedly.

I'm wondering if a person can pass out from embarrassment because Jody has drawn the conclusion that a couple who have been effectively attached at the hip for most of the flight would be unable to stay apart for long. The wry smile on her face more than illustrates just how she believes we will be making up, or rather, making out. I flush even redder with embarrassment at her assumption, and my blush makes her laugh softly as she turns to leave. How wrong could one person be?

Alice is sitting staring into the middle distance. I know the signs; she is studying a vision. She turns to me with a contemplative expression on her small face. My heart sinks. It must be about Edward.

"Just tell me, Alice. What is he planning?"

"Bella..."

"Please Alice, you're my best friend. Please tell me you understand why I can't deal with this now. Why it's too much. I'm not saying I won't speak to him, just not now. I know he's your brother and I am putting you in an impossible position, but can't you see my side of things?" I'm bordering on begging. I need somebody on my side because I feel desperately isolated on my island of indignation. Not even my own heart is truly on my side.

Alice seems to be considering her options and I wait holding my breath. Her face smoothes out when she seemed to settle on a decision and her nod is enough for me to recognise that she had chosen.

"I can see where this may end up, Bella, and I understand why. You're scared he is going to leave again. Would you believe me if I said he won't leave?"

I shake my head vehemently and she sighs. "Pig-headed. Both of you."

I still have doubts about trusting her assurances. Alice and Edward have always been close. I have no right really to make her choose me over Edward. "I don't want to cause trouble between you and Edward." I'm being honest, but I still _need_ her.

"Don't worry about me, Bella. I can look after myself. You have my support. No guilt required."

I relax, enormously comforted. Laying my head against her stone-hard shoulder, I swallow a soft sob. She strokes my hair with her cold hand and I feel calmer again, but not completely. I need somebody else's hand to feel completely at home again. There lies the path of madness, so I don't venture any further with that thought.

"I'm so glad you came back, Alice. I missed you. You have no idea."

"I missed you too, Bella." She pauses and pulls back from me, her face pained. "What Charlie told me about how you've been, I think you overheard at least some of it. Yes?"

I look down at my hands, uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about that other Bella. I make myself look up at Alice and hate seeing the sadness on her face.

"I should never have agreed to leave."

"Alice, I don't blame you..."

"I know you blame Edward. That isn't really fair either." When my expression turns mutinous, she rolls her eyes at my reaction.

"Let me finish! I need to take some blame. Edward was wrong, even if he was wrong for the right reasons. But you need to find that out for yourself. I was wrong for staying away as much as for leaving in the first place."

"Listen, Bella. I know you're hurting and that you are reacting on instinct at the moment. Heaven knows I should understand that more than any other creature. I understand how it feels to be out of control and to feel like you going under with the weight of everything that the world is throwing at you. _I do understand_." Her voice is very intense, soft and compelling.

"You have to promise me that you won't let yourself drown without asking for help. Don't close yourself off like you did when Edward left. Talk to me, Charlie, whomever you need, even the mutt, if you must." She screws her face up slightly at the thought of Jacob. "Just don't let yourself go back to that place deep inside you again. I'm scared that we might not get you back."

I'm not sure how to comfort Alice. I want to be able to offer reassurance, but how can I when I don't know if I can do that for myself, never mind somebody else? I don't know yet if I am truly too broken to be fixed.

"For me. For Edward. You are stronger than he is in so many ways. I don't know if you realise that."

"I promise to try." And I will do my damnedest to try.

"Wow, you're taking this much more calmly than I thought you would." I smile wanly at her, finding wry amusement in her surprise.

"To be honest, I'm too tired to give you any other reaction."

Alice pats my hand, and I laugh despite myself when she says, "It works for me."

Jody interrupts us briefly with two tablets and some water, which I swallow willing. Alice fidgets in her seat waiting for her to leave again.

"So, while we're on a roll..." Alice stops to consider her next words very carefully. "Now, remember I'm on your side." She's trying her best to convince me of this, and I'm instantly apprehensive.

"Try, when you're ready, to excuse Edward for some of his reactions. He's had more than ninety years of being on his own and only a tiny amount of time, in comparison, to work out how to be _with_ someone. Besides, he's a man, so he's instantly disadvantaged before anything else." I grimace as if that is an excuse, but she hasn't finished yet.

"He's terrified of being without you," Alice whispers her next words, her expression haunted. "Your death, or his experience of your death, if you like, has changed him. More than you can understand just now."

"So I have to die to convince him that he wants to be with me?" Okay, that came out a little too shrilly.

She holds her hands up in surrender, and I do my best to back down.

I'm too tired to wrap my brain around all that Alice is trying to say right now, and my emotions are too raw. Instead, I will file the conversation and mull it over later.

"Sorry."

"Forgiven, of course."

I realise I have an apology to make, too. The pain on her face makes me realise the consequences of my actions on the cliff. My non-death hurt Alice too.

"I'm sorry about the cliff diving. I promise you I wasn't trying to hurt myself deliberately."

"I believe you, Bella, but at least it brought matters to a head. All I'm saying is, next time, pick up the phone instead."

"If I had - called I mean - would you have come back?" Stupidly, I'm scared to hear Alice's answer. Part of me still feels like the family rejected me at the same time as Edward.

"Yes, in a heartbeat. You are my best friend, my little sister. Please don't ever doubt that. I never changed my number."

I smile tearfully. I actually do believe her, but Emotional Bella and Tired Bella don't really go together very well, so I change the subject. "So what 'reactions' am I going to have to forgive him just now? What's he plotting?"

"You noticed that then?" It's my turn to roll my eyes at Alice, and she laughs. "You have to understand, Bella, you've got him in a corner from his point of view."

"No, I don't, Alice, but I'm all ears." Oh dear, here comes Sarcastic Bella again.

"He's planning on getting you on your own at the airport by any means necessary. Stupid boy," Alice replies with a wry laugh. "He's banking on travelling in the same car as you back to Forks, and he's feeling quite smug that his plan will work to get you on his side again. He's not so sure what he's going to say to you though. That bit keeps changing. What can I say? He's desperate, and that crazy idea is appealing to him most at the moment."

I'm instantly irritated, frustrated and determined. Damn Edward and his control issues! As bone tired as I am, I will make sure that he learns this lesson if it is the last thing that I do. Unfortunately, I have very limited options. Would Edward _really_ force me? I'm horrified to admit I'm not sure and devastated to finally understand just how shattered my trust in Edward has become.

I try to make my weary brain come up with a solution, any course of action that might help, but I come up blank. It's very possible that he may get his own way on this one. Even at full energy, I could hardly escape him. If he wanted to pick me up and leave the airport with me, no one, other than the family, could stop him. I need more resources, but how?

As a thought surfaces in my head Alice begins bouncing excitedly beside me. "Yes, yes. That will work. Call him now; tell him that we are on an American Airways flight from LA That will fit with our cover story. There's a flight arriving at the same time as this plane. Edward won't be able to do anything if he's there. I'll speak to Carlisle and Esme and have them tell Edward to back off."

Despite myself, I have to smile at her enthusiasm.

"Oh my, this is going to frustrate him so much," she laughs.

"You're starting to enjoy this too much, Alice," I say reaching for the provided air-phone.

"Don't worry, Bella. I've got your back."

"Are you sure he hasn't worked out what we're doing?"

"No," she says confidently. "He's brooding at the back of the plane pretending to look out the window of the emergency exit. Since I am currently singing the collective works of ABBA in my head, he is unlikely to work it out either. Besides, he is so furious with me that I am very confident he is doing his best to ignore my thoughts at the moment."

I hesitate over the telephone handset, dreading making this call despite the necessity of it. This is not going to be pretty.

Alice hands me her credit card with an urgent gesture of her little hands. "You need to be quick though, he'll be coming back to his seat soon. As angry and frustrated as he is with you, he doesn't want to be too far away. It's making him quite anxious." I ruthlessly squash the little thrill of excitement that this feedback causes in my poor battered heart.

"You're getting this all from a vision?" I ask curiously, surprised by the level of detail she is providing.

Her voice becomes very quiet, and I have to strain to hear. "No, he's just started arguing with me from the other end of the plane. He's quite agitated actually, very un-Edward behaviour to be sure."

"So he's going to know what we're talking about then."

"Not, yet. Quick, quick make the call. You're running out of time."

I fumble with the phone and drop it in my haste. Alice catches it easily and places it back into my hands after she has dialled the number for me and pressed call.

Charlie answers on the first ring, and I have the uncomfortable image of him hovering over the phone waiting for my call. I hate to have worried him, but what else could I have done? My options had been limited.

"Chief Swan."

I paused for half a heartbeat. Is there any way I can start this conversation that might help it not end with me being grounded for the rest of my life?

"Dad?"

"Bella!"

Nope, no way. My ass is grass and he is the lawn mower.

"Isabella Swan, where in the name of all hell are you? You've pulled some stunts young lady but this beats them all." For a man of few words, he unfortunately seems to have a lot to say now. Just my luck.

"Dad," I interrupt before he can rant himself into an even hotter temper. "I'm so sorry."

"You will be, young lady. Where are you? What is that noise in the background?"

I guess he is either referring to the noise of the plane engines or perhaps the hammering of my heart, which is beating as though it wants to jump out of my chest at the moment.

"Hurry, Bella, and try to calm down. Edward is going to start heading back this way soon. When he hears your heart going so fast, it's going to get him stressed and he's going to be back here very fast. Wait; you have time. He's going to get stuck behind the catering cart. They're starting to serve drinks."

What else could I do but tell him the truth?

"I'm on a plane."

"What!"

"But I'm coming back to Forks." There, that should placate him? Maybe.

"From where?" he roars. Apparently not. So much for the truth.

"American Airlines flight from LA."

"You've been with Edward Cullen; haven't you?"

"Sort of - well, yes. Alice was there too." Remember Alice, your favourite, the Cullen who can do no wrong. Wait, did he just growl over the phone at me? Crap!

"He hasn't been coping so well with us being apart. When Alice was visiting, she told him about me hanging out at La Push, and well, Edward didn't take it so calmly. She was worried he might do something foolish."

I surprise myself by how well I dance my words between the truth and the lies.

"Then he had a fight with his parents about having to stay in LA. It ended badly. He was threatening to take off. I made Alice take me home with her so I could talk to him."

"And you didn't think that a phone call would be enough?" as sarcastic as Charlie's reply is I can hear that he is accepting my version of the truth.

"No, really, it wouldn't have been enough. We are all flying back to Seattle now."

"All? All, including Edward?" It's amazing how he manages to make Edward's name sound like a dirty word.

"And Alice too."

"Where are Carlisle and Esme while their son is running around the country with my daughter?"

"They didn't know where Edward was and thought he might come back to Forks. They're meeting us at the airport."

"I don't think so, young lady. You'll be travelling with me, and when we get back to this house, I am going to have more than a few words to say to you and then Cullen's parents."

I volunteer the flight arrival details without being asked and end the phone call as quickly as possible. Charlie's last words ring in my ears, "Once I'm finished with you, you're going to have to deal with Renee."

Alice disconnects the call for me and places the phone back into position in the seat. She vocalises the vampiric conversation that she is currently having with Edward for my benefit with a wicked grin on her face.

"Edward, calm down! She is fine. _Edward,_ I've seen what you're thinking and jumping over the hostess cart to get here twenty seconds faster is not going to help at all. I think you've already scared half of the plane by talking to yourself back there."

I grimace, feeling too tired to deal with our next confrontation.

"She just woke up and got a fright when she didn't realise where she was," Alice lies smoothly to Edward with a small smile on her face. "No, not a nightmare. Well, she was moaning, but she didn't seem to be frightened, if you know what I mean."

Alice points at the recline mechanism on my seat and hands me the sleep mask that came in her complimentary pack of goodies. I pull the mask over my head and lie down quickly on my side with my back towards Edward's seat.

"She was saying the name 'Jacob'," Alice supplies with a conspiratorial poke in my side, and I stifle a gasp.

"Alice, that won't help things."

"Sshh. He knows I'm lying anyway."

When I smell his distinct aroma and my body responds with a familiar tingling sensation, I know he is standing beside us. I make myself go limp, being careful to pull measured breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth.

"You are not funny, Alice," he whispers, with just enough hint of a growl in his voice for me to be able to hear his temper.

"You deserved it!" Alice whispers back, completely unrepentant. "Like I said, she's fine, asleep already as you can see."

"Why are you singing in your head, Alice?"

"Perhaps, because I was getting a headache from seeing your agonising and hearing your temper tantrums. You could at least try to keep a lid on it a bit."

"So knowing my dislike of 70s music, you picked ABBA?"

"Turnabout seemed fair play," she replies smoothly. "Let her sleep, Edward. It's for the best just now."

I feel a cold hand sweep across and down my hair, and God forgive me, I can't stop the shiver of reaction that even his most brief of touches creates. Next, there is a click as the overhead locker is opened above me, and a blanket settles over me.

I heard the faint creaking of Edward's seat as he sits again and know that he will back down for a while, at least until we get to the airport. Still, this doesn't give me any peace of mind. Exhaustion takes control of my body in the end, and I fall in a dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 7

Chapter 6

It's interesting how my hate of travelling in the cruiser has morphed into an entirely new kind of loathing. Now I hate travelling in the cruiser waiting for Charlie to speak to me. The silence is painful, and I am very sure I have never seen him this angry. I've really gone and out done myself now; I've driven a man of few words into complete silence. Way to go, Bella.

Charlie scrubs his hand over his face sighing angrily, and I brace for impact as we drive down the highway out of Seattle.

"You _will_ phone your mother when we get in."

This, I know, is meant to be a warning, but the wrath of Renee isn't much of a threat at all. I know my mother well. Renee will express her disappointment with my behaviour and then spoil her disapproving mother persona by wanting to know about the drama of my adventure. Then, finally, she will accept my less-than-honest account of the events with childlike enthusiasm.

I force what I hope is a contrite grimace and look down at my hands clasped in my lap.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I made a bad choice." That's not the complete truth. I don't regret the necessity of my actions, but I can see how tired he looks, and I hate that I have worried him.

Charlie grunts in reply, and I turn to study his tense profile. He is trying to work out what my punishment is going to be.

He switches lanes to overtake an RV, and my attention is drawn to a dark Mercedes three lanes over that is being followed by a red convertible. The cars are too far away for me to make out the faces, but I know who they are. Both cars accelerate past us smoothly and my heart clenches. Edward leaving me _again_. Irrationally I explode into panic.

"Pull over!"

"What! Bells?"

"Pull over, pull over!" I scream, both hands at my mouth.

The car lurches onto the shoulder, throwing up dust and the smell of burning rubber as it slides to a stop. I am on my hands and knees in the dirt, retching the contents of my stomach onto the highway before the car has come to a proper standstill. I ignore the stinging pain of the gravel against my palms as my body reacts to my emotional overload.

"Bells, honey?" Charlie hovers uncertainly by my side, then hunkers down, trying to lift my hair out of my face.

I make a choking noise, and his hand pats my back a little too hard to be soothing. The gesture is awkward, but so _Charlie. _I love him for it.

"I'm sorry." He takes my elbow and helps me back into the car before pressing a half-open bottle of water into my hand.

"Here." I take a drink of the too-warm water, and my stomach clenches again in protest.

"Better?"

"Yes, thanks," I lie.

Hunkering down beside my door so that he is on my eye level, he looks at me assessingly.

"Dad, I'm..." - I'm what? Sorry for worrying you. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry that I can't throw myself into your arms and unload everything that is worrying me - "...so tired," I end lamely instead. That at least is not a lie.

He grunts again and pats my knee with another uncomfortable but loving gesture. "I can see that. You're exhausted, but it's self-inflicted, so I don't see why I should be sympathetic."

I continue to stare at him pleadingly. He's right, I don't deserve sympathy, but I really need it just now. I want Charlie to be a _father_ in a way that Renee, for all her loving flightiness, has never been able to be a _mother_. I want somebody else to take control for a while.

I rub my hand over my gritty eyes, blinking owlishly at Charlie as the seconds pass.

Charlie returns to his seat and pulls back out into the flow of traffic before he bothers to reply. With my nerves frayed, this delay only pulls them tighter, but I deserve it just the same.

He replies with a hint of frustration in his voice, "fine, we'll thrash this out at home once you've rested." I sigh silently with relief that my execution has been delayed for a few hours.

Eyes fixed ahead, concentrating on the flow of traffic, he says gruffly, "I'm glad you're back, Bells, I missed you."

"Me too, Dad. I'm sorry I worried you."

My body's return from sleep is an uncomfortable and unwilling. Caught halfway between a dream of me with Edward in the time before he walked away, and the reality of stiff muscles and a lingering headache, I try to stay with dream Edward.

When a cold hand brushes against my face, the dream become confused.

"Edward?" I query fuzzily, one hand groping across the bed, puzzled that he is not wrapped around me.

I force my reluctant eyes open and try to find him in the dark gloom of my room. The bed shifts slightly and the clicking on of my bedside light makes me blink against the resulting light. Alice is sitting beside me on the bed with her legs crossed daintily under her.

"Not Edward, sorry, did you want it to be?" she asks hopefully.

"It depends on which Edward you're asking about," I mutter darkly, referring to dream Edward whom I am already missing. She clearly doesn't have a clue how my convoluted mind works. Hell, neither do I really, but I'm not in any mood to explain.

"Oh never mind." I scrape the knotted mess of my hair back from my face and pull myself up to sit against the pillow with protesting muscles.

"Sorry to wake you."

"It doesn't matter. How long was I out?" I ask, realising that it must have been a long time considering the darkness in my room.

"Fourteen hours, give or take. It's early; two in the morning. Charlie's sound asleep."

Even without enhanced senses, I know that. The staccato noise of his snoring is audible through the walls. I smile despite myself because the noise is comforting and familiar.

"Really? I never would have known."

Alice's soft, tinkling, lovely laugh fills the room and I smile again. I have missed her so much. It is nice to have my best friend back, even if she is a shopping monster. Randomly, I wonder how long it will take Alice to find an excuse to drag me to the mall.

"I've missed you."

"I know," she says softly, "we all missed you too."

I flinch at her use of the word "we". Alice's mouth turns down when she see my reaction. She looks like she wants to talk about it, but I'm not ready for that yet, so I distract her as best I can.

"Alice, I need a minute."

TMI, I know, but I feel grotty and my bladder is reminding me unsubtly that it has been a while since I last visited the facilities. Sliding out of bed, I collect my toilet bag and dressing gown. Then a thought occurs to me, and I hesitate.

"You will be here when I get back?" I ask, embarrassed by my neediness.

"Of course."

I weigh the risk of waking up Charlie versus my desire to have a shower, and the shower wins. Ten minutes later, I am back in my room with Alice, hair washed and feeling more human again. Charlie's snores continue uninterrupted down the hall.

I stand in front of Alice in my dressing gown with my wet hair straggling down my back, and she studies me with her lips pursed in disapproval.

"You desperately want to style my hair, don't you? No Way! Even Charlie won't sleep through the sound of my hair drier."

"And I thought Edward was the family mind reader," she huffs.

I sit down next to her on the bed again and watch with amusement as her eyes stray to the hair straighteners that are lying on my desk.

"Alice, I said no." She pouts in reply. I take a deep breath and a hold it for a couple of seconds. "Okay, tell me what happened when you got home."

She sighs dramatically. "What do you expect? Edward happened. I told you he wasn't going to let it be after his outburst on the plane. Do you know he was even considering running off with you from the airport when he saw Charlie standing at the gate?"

I pull a face at that particular image. Charlie's swift and efficient collection and removal of me from the car had been more than I imagined. Edward had been given no opportunity to intervene.

With a hand under my elbow, Charlie had collected me and marched me to the cruiser with only the curtest of nods in the direction of the older Cullens. His expression when he saw Edward following Alice behind me had been about as warm as a nuclear winter.

Only Alice had received any kind of warm welcome, and even that was followed by Charlie expressing his disappointment over her involvement in my cross-country adventure. Alice accepted his dressing down with an assumed expression of adorable contrition and was, I suspect, instantly forgiven.

Alice continues to talk. "Edward wanted Carlisle to tail Charlie's car down the highway back to Forks. Carlisle refused, of course."

"Charlie is furious. Just how did he think he would react to Carlisle tailgating us? Does he want to send him over the edge?"

I am becoming rather hot under the collar at the thought of this myself. What was Edward thinking about? Or rather, had he even been thinking at all? Alice considers my cross expression for several seconds and then sighs.

"Bella, he has not really been under control since he left you in September." There is a tone in her voice that suggests, not unkindly, that I am missing something obvious. "What do you expect?"

I don't want to discuss that, and I snap back at her before I have a chance to stop the words. "I expected him to stay with me. Please don't ask me about that again."

Alice holds her hands up in surrender, and I flush with embarrassment. "Sorry."

"Forgiven, of course. All I'm saying is Edward is rather over the edge at the moment, too."

I am wary. With a vampire ex-boyfriend this could mean a number of different scenarios. To be honest, I am still shocked not to have woken up to him in my room. Relieved, shocked and disappointed, if I am being completely honest.

"What do you mean?"

"You know how he gets, Bella. He thinks too much and then feels too much. Then along comes his old friend Mr Overreaction. With you in the mix, it was inevitable."

Now my brain is galloping at one hundred miles per hour, trying to figure out just what had happened at the Cullen house, why he isn't here now, and whether he is all right. I am just on the wrong side of panicking when Alice starts to talk again.

"Breathe, Bella. The last thing Charlie needs is to find you out cold on the floor.

"But he obviously isn't here now". I look to the window suddenly. "Is he outside?"

"No, no. Don't get paranoid."

"Alice." I groan, n, n, nearly bouncing up and down on the bed with impatience. "Tell me what happened."

"We got home; he showered, changed and tried to head back out the door to come see you. No discussion about where he had been, or why, nothing. No consideration for how Esme or Carlisle were feeling. He didn't even think he needed to hunt first. He was being reckless."

"Oh." Now I'm angry with Edward all over again on Esme's behalf. She must have been in pieces while we were in Italy. At least Charlie had been oblivious to the risks I was taking. "Poor Esme."

"Exactly. He was being very selfish."

"So, I doubt that a 110-year-old can be grounded exactly. What was Carlisle's reaction to this?"

"That's exactly what happened," Alice replies laughing at the memory. "Edward is not happy at all."

I let out an unhappy groan. "This is all my fault."

"Stop that now! This drama is entirely Edward's fault. And believe me, it was a drama. I've never heard Carlisle shout like that before, and Edward was still going to defy him and come here."

"So, why isn't he here?" A disturbing image of Edward chained up somewhere in the Cullen house springs to mind.

"Esme." Alice giggles. "_Never_ underestimate the power of motherly guilt. She talked him down off his soapbox pretty quickly. Don't you go looking at me like that. He deserved everything that she said. It's about time that he started thinking about the consequences of his actions." Her face contorts at the memory, and she looks cross.

"It would appear that everyone is rather angry with Edward at the moment."

"No, only you. Alice replies with a very pointed look at me.

"Alice, I don't want to talk about that just now." And I mean it. I haven't had a chance to work out what the hell I feel, or what to do next.

"Fine. They aren't angry with him, as such, more disappointed. Well, actually I am angry with him, too, now that I think about it. At least when Jasper isn't around."

I catch on slowly. "He's outside?" Of course, he wouldn't want to be away from Alice considering the stress of the trip to Italy.

Alice looks at me with a speculative smile then waves her hand towards the window.

"Jasper," I call softly. His blond head appears at the window damp from the rain.

The incongruity of this situation hits me suddenly. The last time I saw him he tried to rip my throat out. Now he is at my window in the middle of the night. I should be terrified, b, b,but I'm not.

Poor Jasper - always fighting his nature so fiercely - how can I deny him the forgiveness he deserves?

"Come in."

He climbs lithely through the window, but does not approach us. Instead, he stands silently on the opposite side of the room by the open window looking very much like he is ready to bolt at any moment.

I look at Alice for reassurance, and she smiles at me encouragingly as I get off the bed and walk towards him, stopping an arm's length away, trustingly.

"You can feel my emotions at the moment?" I ask quietly. "You know I'm not scared of you?"

"Yes."

"And you know I don't blame you for what happened," I say with sincerity. When his expression twists with guilt, I say more firmly, "no blame."

I surprise myself and Jasper when I fling my arms around his neck and squeeze tightly. He stiffens. After a second's hesitation, his arms go briefly around my waist, but he steps back quickly.

I'm babbling now, but I can't stop the tumble of grateful words that rush out of my mouth. "Thank you! Thank you, _so much _for letting Alice go to Italy with me to save Edward. I know how much it must have hurt to let her go into danger like that."

He smiles brilliantly at me, looking unearthly beautiful as his normally pained expression leaves his face. "You're welcome," he murmurs quietly. "Anything for my little sister."

My eyes fill up with tears when I hear this endearment. How I love this family, and how it hurts that they left me. I feel the painful chasm where my heart used to be quake just a little bit more. I'm still scared to completely accept that they are back in my life. Or that they will stay.

Jasper seems to feel my hesitation and a wave of calm washes over me.

"We're glad to be back," he murmurs quietly, and my heart quakes again at the use of the word 'we'. I feel another wave of calm hit me as he walks over to Alice and sits on the bed, picking up her hand.

I sit down in my rocking chair and force myself to attend to the matter at hand. "So, where is Edward now?"

"You mean after he threw a temper tantrum and trashed some furniture?" Alice asks dryly. "I left the house to come over here at that point."

I wince at the thought of Esme's lovely furniture.

"Carlisle tried to make him go hunt. He refused. He's being broody and complicated in his room at the moment," Jasper replies. "You know he's been grounded, right?" Jasper's amusement at this fact is alive on his face.

"I heard. How was he when you left?" I ask Jasper, desperate to benefit from any insight that his gift could give me on Edward's state of mind.

He shrugs. "He's Edward." My scowl clearly communicates my frustration at being given that stock answer from another member of the Cullen household. "He's a big bundle of overprotective anxiousness. He's never does well when he is away from you, you know that, don't you?"

"Jasper," Alice cautions him about mentioning the forbidden topic.

My eyes darkened with a flash of temper. "He seems to have managed just fine over the last few months."

Jasper's expression is contemplative. "He's not very popular over at our house at the moment either."

I make I humpfing noise under my breath, but I know I'm not fooling Jasper. He knows how worried I am. Stupid, stupid, Bella! Stay angry!

"I told her that," Alice says, fixing me with a determined stare. "You know you need to talk to him. Don't you? Carlisle can put him under house arrest and Esme can enforce it, but he isn't going to accept that for long. You have a couple of days, at best."

"I know," I mutter. "I have my own problems to deal with at the moment."

I was thinking about Charlie and the fact that I am likely to be grounded for the rest of my life if he has his way. He is probably dreaming about buying me a one-way ticket to Phoenix at this very moment.

"Edward is just going to have to get in line." Jasper smiles suddenly, showing a flash of impossibly white teeth.

"You really are pissed at him, aren't you?"

There is no point in lying when there is an empath in the room. "I really have no clear idea how I feel towards Edward at the moment."

That's a lie; I love him, and that's never going to change. I feel my earlier agitation begin to spike again, with the usual roller coaster of emotions starting to churn around inside my head.

"You're very conflicted, Bella." Jasper says softly.

"Gee, you think?" I reply with a hesitant smile, trying for humour, but falling short.

I realise that Alice and Jasper probably haven't had a chance to spend much time together since she got back, since Alice, from what she said, appears to have been sitting with me for many hours while I slept.

"I should probably try to get back to sleep." I look at my bed without enthusiasm. Now that I know what had happened at the Cullen house, my brain is on overdrive again, so sleep seems unlikely.

"I can stay if you want." Alice says, and she sounds sincere, but I want her to be able to spend some time with Jasper.

"No, I'll be fine. You two go. There's only so much trouble I can get into with an armed policeman in the house." And a pack of wolves patrolling the area.

Alice stands up with Jasper and touches my hand briefly. "I'll give you a call tomorrow, okay?" She moves to the window, but Jasper hesitates.

"Welcome back, Bella. You have been missed."

"Thank you, Jasper."

"Do you want me to help you to get back to sleep?"

"Yes, oh, yes please." I scramble quickly under the covers, wet hair and all, and hear Alice make a disgusted noise.

"Aren't you even going to brush your hair first?"

"No." I smile. "Don't you just hate me for that?"

"First chance I get, Bella, I'm taking you to the hairdresser for revenge."

"Gotta get me there first A, AAAA lice," I mutter, but the expression on her face looks scarily determined.

Jasper's cool hand touches my arm briefly, and I feel a melting lassitude slide through my tense muscles until I flop boneless against my pillow with a sigh.

"Sleep well, Bella," he says softly, and my body does the rest, as my eyes drift shut.

Caught on the edge of a dream, I can still hear their voices, but they are ephemeral and insubstantial.

"What are you going to tell Edward?"

"I'm not. Don't pull that face at me, Jas, J , Bella needs to feel like she has some control, and that will help."

"Alice...."

"Why should I help that ass anyway?"

Their voices gradually fade away as I sink deeper into the dream that involves Alice, a pair of six-foot-high scissors, and an army of mad hairdressers.

"Mmhh, Alice... NO! _Not_ the peroxide. Edward likes my hair this colour." I moan in protest and hear two voices laughing at me from outside my window.


	7. Chapter 8

Author Note

_My original plan had been to have Edward and Bella talking in this chapter, but it didn't happen. I do have good justification for my procrastination. Bella made me do it!! She had too much to say. _

_Okay, in all seriousness, I needed to have her work through a few things for herself before she is ready to talk, come to a couple of realisation and show a little bit of growth in the situation before "the talk". So pelt me with tomatoes at your leisure._

Chapter 8

Time is not my friend, I decide as I study my alarm clock. The digital figures read 4:00 AM and seem to be mocking my inability to sleep as the sky outside my curtains begins the slow process of lighting a new day.

I have managed a measly two hours of sleep since Alice and Jasper left. I'm now alone in my bed in the too silent house, cursing my own weakness.

The seconds drag by scornfully slowly, and I remain awake, watchful of the light slowly encroaching into my room and counting my hearts beats as a slow and steady acceptance of my state of mind forms.

As naturally as I instinctively continue to breathe I am in pain because of his absence and it hurts like a thousand paper cuts. Unconsciously, without rational or deliberate intent I miss him.

In the face of all the pain I have experienced since Edward left, the ache that this absence causes me now feels worse because it is of my own choosing. It is a fresh wound to add to my older scars.

I am alone in my bed through my own decisions. Right decision. Strong decisions. Unfortunately the desperate tears that trail down my face don't feel particularly right or strong. In the grey light of a new morning in Forks my conviction seems less clear.

I grieve for what we once had, am scared of what we might become and can offer myself no relief from these worries but to accept one reality. I miss him, and it hurts.

****

On the edge of a scream, I jerk awake immersed in the fading memory of tall, dark trees and the oppressive, menacing shadows of the forest. I feel claustrophobically restricted, then realise that my comforter is twisted up around me as though I've been wrestling with it.

Heaving a shaky sigh comprehension comes quickly to me; nightmares again. I try not to linger on it, even though the uncomfortable feelings I associate with my abandonment nightmare are still very raw. With a little of bit of will power and I lot of practise I successfully suppress the sensation and begin to breathe normally.

Untangling myself from the quilt, I take a look at my alarm clock. It's 7AM and I can hear Charlie thumping around in the kitchen. This is confusing, because I know he should be out at work by now. Then I realise. He has cleared his schedule so we can "thrash it out when I have rested." I'm toast, but I'm also a coward, so I stay in bed.

As the minutes crawl by and approach 7:45, Charlie's banging down stairs seems to be getting louder and more persistent. I have to face it. If I don't willing go down stairs soon, he is going to come and get me. If I go willing to face my doom, he might, just might, be a little less pissed with me in the end.

I dress in the first things that come to hand, jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt, and ignore what I assume to be Alice's choice which is laid neatly on my rocking chair.

Walking across the room towards my dresser I hesitate by my mirror. My reflection isn't promising. Despite plenty of sleep, I still have dark circles under my eyes which remain slightly red from my earlier tears. I'm not sure what Charlie is expecting to see but I doubt evidence that I have been upset is going to help the situation or his feelings towards a certain Cullen.

An image of Edward's hurt expression on the plane comes to mind and I flinch; emotionally pole axed momentarily.

The phrase that seems to be becoming an almost daily mantra for me passes through my head; _I can only deal with one problem at a time._ It is meant to be soothing, but only reminds of just how many insurmountable problems I seem to have at the moment.

Just now I have to deal with Charlie. That means pretending for all that I worth that I am, and will continue to be okay. That, and successfully present myself downstairs looking a little less like I have been dragged through a bush backwards.

I'm trying to tame the wild bird's nest that my hair has become while muttering under my breath about know-it-all little vampires, when I hear the phone ringing downstairs, and Charlie answer.

"Chief Swan. Good morning, Carlisle."

That got my attention. I can just about hear him talking through my closed bedroom door, but not clearly. So I press my ear to the door and listen shamelessly. Why would Carlisle be calling?

Charlie grunts in response to whatever Carlisle is saying, but it doesn't provide me with any insight.

"Yes, I'm sorry to have missed you last night, but I think I said everything that I needed to say to Esme."

Oh my God. He actually carried out his threat and spoke to Esme and Carlisle. Well, Esme anyway. Crap!

I think I need to have some words with a certain Alice Cullen about keeping secrets. I can't believe that she didn't know about Charlie's visit when she was sitting on my bed last night. I'm getting more than a little tired of vampires keeping stuff from me. Secrets kept for the sake of poor little Bella's own good no doubt. That is just one of things that have to stop now; if I have anything to do with it.

"Yes, I know how you feel, and despite everything, and my feelings about Bella and Edward, I do understand. We're both father's of teenagers, you know?"

I shiver in reaction to hearing our names said together used, as I am, to never hearing his name spoken in this house. It has been an unwritten rule since he left. Never mentioned, but always thought about.

During their absence, like a sweet song sung too quietly to be heard clearly, his memory always lingered with me, bitter sweet and painfully every present. Now he is back, I feel more profoundly lonely than ever.

Charlie's laughter downstairs snaps me back to the present and away from the brink of fresh tears.

It occurs to me that some parental bonding seems to have transpired. I don't know whether that is a good or bad thing, but then of course, since it was Esme he had spoken to she was bounded to have been able to talk Charlie down from his anger without trouble. I couldn't imagine anybody being able to stay angry in the presence of her sweet nature for long. Way to go and thank you Esme.

"Bella? She's still asleep. I can wake her if you want to speak to her now?"

Charlie laughs again.

"Yes, we are still to have _that_ particularly conversation. She's been out for the count for hours. She was over aught yesterday; exhausted. I didn't have the heart to put her through the ringer. This morning is an entirely different matter."

I groan, and grow tense as there is silence on Charlie's end of the conversation for a minute or two.

"Well I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that one Carlisle." Charlie's voice doesn't sound quite as friendly as it had been. In fact he was starting to sound annoyed.

"I think I've made my feelings clear about that Carlisle."

More silence. This is torture, what _are_ they talking about? But of course, stupid Bella, Carlisle must be talking about Edward.

"Yes, perhaps, but I will just have to deal with that _if_ it happens."

I don't like the sound of this, and hurry to intervene before Charlie says something that we both might regret later.

It's time for me to face the music, but I'm too late as I have only reached the top of the stairs when I hear Charlie ending the conversation rather abruptly.

"Goodbye Carlisle."

With reluctant feet, I walk down the stairs towards Charlie and he turns to face me as he hangs up the phone.

"Hey, Dad."

I try for casual. Casual, and perhaps an offer to cook his breakfast. The way to a man's heart and all that...

"Isabella, come on through to the kitchen. I've made you some breakfast."

Crap, crap, crap! I now Isabella, not Bells or Bella and I can't cook my way back into his good graces. I shift uncertainly from foot to foot, biting my lip.

"Last meal for the condemned prisoner?" I ask, looking up at him through my lashes.

"Yeah, you could say that." He replies with a deadpan expression on his face.

I let out my breath through my teeth making an uncomfortable hissing noise as I precede him into the kitchen. As I pass him his lips twitch for just a second with the ghost of a smile. He's enjoying this I realise, and then I know maybe it's going to be okay. May he will forgive me in the end.

I sit down in front of a plate of slightly burnt scrambled eggs, toast and Charlie's ubiquitous breakfast favourite; bacon.

Charlie situates himself beside the kitchen counter, and leans back against it with his arms crossed, his expression closed off again. Perhaps my optimistic vision of an easy reconciliation was wrong. His body language now is certainly now promising.

I chase a bit of egg around the plate with my fork unenthusiastically, spear it then chew, trying to show willing by eating. Eating is normal, right? Food is the last thing I actually want at the moment. My stomach feels like it is tied in one big knot a tension, but I choke the egg down.

Minutes pass, and nothing is said. I wish he would speak, break the silence. There is nothing that he can say to me that is worse than I have thought about myself. I am sorry excuse of a daughter to have left him to come home to an empty house after his friend's funeral. Not that I had any other choice, or that I would do anything differently if the same circumstances were repeated. Still, I deserve his ire in any away he wants to express it.

More time passes, and it feels like the silence is suffocated the air out of the room. I can't stand it any longer. My fork clatters onto the plate noisily and I look at him with rapidly dampening eyes.

As hard as I try, I can't seem to keep my emotions in balance this morning. I need Edward I realise, and my heart shatters all over again, because I can't have him. I need to get through this on my own. One problem at a time, I school myself, and look up to Charlie.

He is studying me intensely and a heavy frown appears on his face. Then I realise, and curse my too expressive face. I'm hurting, and he's seen it yet again. Panicking I and rush into words.

"Dad, I. Oh, God, I don't know what to say except I'm sorry."

Charlie heaves a sigh which comes out slightly as a growl, and I flinch.

"You made a poor choice, Bella. Do you have any idea how frantic your mother and I have been?"

I hang my head. "I can imagine."

"I'm not sure that you can. I don't get it Bella. You've always been such a sensible girl. After the way he treated you, why would you drop everything and run off for the sake of worthless boy like him."

"You don't understand, dad."

"So help me to understand, because I'm beginning to think that I can't trust you where Edward Cullen is concerned."

Edward's name passing Charlie's lips so easily causes the same jolt of reaction that it did when I was upstairs. More than anything in the world, I want Edward to be standing in the kitchen with me, helping me face this. But it is the one thing that I can't have. More pain piles on top of my current panic.

"I'm not sure that I trust myself around Edward either." Shit, did I say that out loud?

"And that is supposed to make me feel better?" Charlie roars, and I jump in my seat.

"Would you rather I lied to you." I shout back without thinking to edit my feelings.

"Just watch your tone young lady."

"Sorry." I look down at the table again, mortified that I still seem to have so little control.

"That boy..." Charlie continues to rant, but I cut him off.

"If you want to blame someone, blame me. I was the one who left the house without permission."

"From what I understand from Esme, Edward wasn't exactly operating with parental authority either."

"You spoke to the Cullens?"

"I met Esme for dinner last night at the diner while you were sleeping. Carlisle was working."

Figures, Esme obviously met him on neutral territory, and of course, she would have been trying to keep Edward and Charlie apart.

"It seems Edward has been making some poor choice too." Charlie sighs loudly, and I realise he is trying to get control of his temper.

"After he treated you that way, Bella, how can you just run to him again? I thought you were more intelligent than that." There it is again in his voice, disappointment.

I so want to be able to tell him the truth. It upsets me to know that I have disappointed him. He is my father, and his opinion matters. Despite that, I am also my own person, and I need him to understand that I have my own mind, and ability to make my own choices and that none of my choices have been made lightly, or without sacrifice on my part.

"You think I didn't agonise over leaving like I did? Edward was in pain, Dad. How couldn't just abandon him. That's not who I am."

"Why not? It seems me that's what he did to you." This time I do physically finch, he is cutting too close to an already open wound bringing that subject up.

"I don't like who you are when you are around him, Bella."

I could say to him that that isn't his choice to make, or any one of the 100 angry words that are clamouring to escape me at the moment. But I don't. This isn't the time or the place, and he isn't the person I should be speaking to. Mixing the anger I feel towards Edward for taking my choices away from me, into a conversation in which Charlie is trying to undermine my own decisions is an emotional incendiary device waiting to go off. Instead I try to back off as best I can. Charlie is the wrong target, even if my fury at him is growing from same seed of frustration that Edward planted when he left. Perhaps the seed was planted earlier even than that, because, Charlie, in a way left me behind too.

I take a drink from the glass of milk that is sitting by my plate, and make eye contact with Charlie again. I can see it in his face, he thinks my silence is a sullen one, and it's making him more annoyed.

"I want you to stay away from him, Bella."

"We aren't together, Dad." I say flatly.

"I don't care; you will stay away from him."

"You can't make that decision for me." I glare at him across the table.

I could ask him what he expects me to do when we are at school, but I don't. What is the point of inflaming the situation further? Thinking about school; it is Wednesday, and am I going to be late if I don't leave soon. Plus it is a useful way to end this conversation.

"Don't push me into a corner that we both might regret, Isabella." Charlie says ominously.

It is on the tip of my tongue to point out that I am 18, and as such only subject to his control because I allow it. But I back down again.

"It's getting late, Dad, I need to get ready for school."

"Not this week." He replies grimly, and I blink at him startled. "After your little disappearing act, I had to tell the school something. So as far as they are concerned, you have flu, and will continue to have flu for the rest of the week."

"What about my classes, homework!"

"I asked Mrs Stanley to get Jessica to collect your homework for you, and drop it into the station when she has a chance."

I really have no response to this. He has me at a disadvantage, and he knows. I look up at him frustrated. His expression is determined.

"Perhaps this would be a good time to go over my punishment."

"I'm coming to that, Bella. You are grounded, that means you are not to leave the house. Between now and Monday I want you to think about what I said to you about Edward Cullen. I may not be able to keep you away from him at school, but I can sure as hell try my damnedest the rest of time."

"So I'm under house arrest." I reply dryly holding his eye contact.

"That's about the long and the short of it, and I'm not finished yet. No visitors, no truck, internet, no phone calls or email unless it's to Renee. Your world for the foreseeable future is going to be this house and school until you can prove to me that you can be trusted again."

"Fine."

"I'm going into the station of a couple of hours. I'll be back before lunchtime. Can you keep yourself out of trouble until then?"

"Yes." The word slips up slightly more sullenly that I wanted, and he glares at me as he collected his car keys from the work top.

"I'm sure you can find some chores to do to keep you busy until I get back. Bye Bells."

I watch as he disappears to freedom and the outside world through the back door before issuing a begrudging, "bye," as the door swings shut.

Welcome back Bella, to another day in your life. I am home, Charlie is furious with me, and Police Chief Swan has me under house arrest. _Fan-flipping-tastic._

I collect up my still full plate and scrape the contents into the bin before filling the sink with water. It is action that is so prosaic that it should be comforting, except for a flash of a memory that comes out of nowhere; Edward leaning against the counter watching me from beside the sink as I do dishes with a lopsided smile gracing his face, and laughter and affection in the dark honey of his eyes. I drop the plate with a clatter into the sink as my arms move instinctively to hold myself, shuddering with loneliness. I feel sick with the intensity of my longing just to see him in person again.

This house – my prison – is poisoned with such memories, primed to prolong my agony. Unlike our last separation, I seem unable to call to me the numbness that sheltered me so effectively after they first left. Now I am trapped in this house full of memories until I see Edward again, God help me.

Like an alcoholic deprived of their first drink of the day, I start to shiver at the realisation that school on Monday is 4 long days away.

****

Several hours of cleaning and chores later, I have myself more under control, at least on the surface. I may not know how to be comfortable in my own skin at the moment, but I certainly know how to act out the role of dutiful daughter to perfection.

The house is clean, laundry done and a lunch of cold chicken and salad is waiting for Charlie in the cooler. Granted, salad is not one of his favourites, but I convince myself that I am not being spiteful by making that for his lunch, merely creative with the available contents of the fridge. I'm lying, of course, but I enjoy my tiny bit of childish payback never the less.

I retire to the sparklingly clean kitchen and sit at the table trying to work out what to do next. Charlie by his own reckoning should be due home soon. In anticipation of his return I have brought my cell phone down from my room and left it on the table. I'd rather leave it for him to collect that submit to the humiliation of him asking for it. I think, sinking as I am in the middle of my weakening resolve, it is a temptation that is best removed.

My own small portion of chicken salad is lying on a plate in front of me, picked over and largely uneaten. I will have to dispose of the evidence before Charlie returns, otherwise it will be taken as more proof that that I am about to go into decline.

I need more distraction than the silent empty house is offering, because I can feel that I am on the edge of something at the moment. Like my skin is too tight to contain all my feelings, and I can't find anything to provide relief. It is not a pleasant sensation.

I am staring at the cell phone, when a thought goes through my mind. Charlie said no phone calls, could I stay true to his punishment if I sent a text message? Less than 10 seconds later the phone rings, and I jump in surprise as it starts to vibrate across the table as it trills.

"Hello?"

"Your right, he didn't consider text messages, but neither did he consider incoming calls." Alice informs me matter-of-factly.

"So why didn't you wait for me to send you a text?"

"Because I wanted to speak to you, silly." She giggles.

"So why not come round?" Visitation ban or not, Alice is highly unlikely to be caught in the act.

"Because I can see that you are trying to respect Charlie's punishments as best you can. You're cross with him, but you don't want to defy him unnecessarily."

"Oh."

"Just delete you received call register, you'll be fine. Giving up the phone willingly is a good call. He'll be pleased by that."

"It must be useful being a know-it-all." I grumble and she laughs in response.

"So how are you today?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest. Okay I guess."

"You're a horrible liar."

I sigh, she right, as usual. I'm not okay, but I'm not sure how to verbalise or even categorise all of the feelings that are climbing around inside me.

"You can talk to me, Bella, I'm well out of his range in the forest with Jasper. Anything you need to say will stay with me."

"I want to talk about it, but I don't know what to say. I have so many thoughts in my head just now that I can't make sense of one over another."

I could say more, but I feel foolish to admit it. Being apart from Edward, more than just the emotion of it, is beginning to feel like a physical ache. It makes no sense. We have been separated for months, but now it feels like one more hour, one more minute, of absence will take away my ability to breathe. And the feeling keeps getting stronger and more frantic.

"It hurts, so much, Alice." I say, and my breath hitches with the pain of the admission. "It just hurts."

"Oh, Bella. I know. I can see your conflict. I've got to be honest; I don't really know where you're trying to go with this?" Alice says quietly.

"And you think I do? I don't know which way is up at the moment. You're the psychic one, you tell me."

"You know it doesn't work like that. You're very conflicted, what I do see keeps changing, and mostly it is so confused that I can't make any sense of it anyway." She is silent for a moment, thinking.

"It's like your starving for his love, Bella, but you're too terrified to eat."

There she has it. Every single tumbling emotion that is churning around inside of me quantified better than I could myself. I am scared to love him, and scared to be without his love, and I am forcing myself to stay away from because of it.

The decision that I made less than 24 hours ago and the reasons behind it seem fuzzy now. I asked for space; time to think away from his words and explanations. Time to decide how I feel, and what I want to say, and, less nobly, to punish him for taking my choices away from me with his will. By enforcing our separation and silence I am enforcing my will on him. It is my own little rancorous game of tit for tat

Structured reasoning, indeed, but having my motives clearer, doesn't offer me any relief, and having Alice label my emotions didn't provide any solutions.

"I'm so confused, Alice."

"I'm sorry, Bella, I want to have answers for you, but I don't."

I need to do something thinking. Find some words to say, and then do the hardiest thing of all; talk. First I need to know he is okay.

"How is he?"

"Edward hasn't left his room since yesterday. Carlisle phoned this morning hoping to be able to speak to you, to try to persuade him that you were okay, but Edward isn't willing to take the evidence second-hand, and Carlisle isn't willing to go against your wishes of no contact until you're ready. So they are at an impasse."

There is very clear irritation in Alice's voice when she continues, "Edward isn't talking to Carlisle."

I hear Jasper talking indistinctly in the background and Alice answer him, but not what they are actually saying. It's frustrating and worrying at the same time.

"Just tell me Alice, please."

"Edward overheard somebody's mentally let slip about a vision I had last night." Her voice is slightly scolding, so I guess the 'someone' may have been Jasper. "He's seen that you're not eating properly, so now he's refusing to hunt. Guilt, you see."

"Can't you talk to him, persuade him to go hunt. Can Carlisle make him!" My voice is shrill with both worry and annoyance towards Edward and his obstinacy.

"We're not talking. Edward is furious at me for what he sees as my part in keeping you from him. You may never have seen it yet, but he has quite a prodigious temper to go with that hair."

"Alice, I never meant to come in between you two."

"It will blow over, Bella, don't worry about that." She is trying to reassure me, but I can hear her own frustration with Edward in her voice.

"Can I speak to Jasper?" I'm not sure why, but I need his perspective.

"Sure."

"Bella?" his soft southern accent is strangely soothing.

"Jasper, I-I, how is he?"

"He's hurting, Bella, much as you are."

"Can you talk to him, persuade him to go hunt. Just be with him? I don't like the idea of him being on his own."

"He is solitary by nature, Bella. At least he was until he met you."

The compelling need I have to know that someone is with him, isn't helped by Jasper's explanation of Edward's apparently predictable introversion and desire to be solitary. It feels wrong, and I don't want him to be alone.

"Please, Jasper."

"I will try to, for you. You know what he really wants, don't you?"

"Yes, but I'm not ready for that yet."

"Are you sure?"

"No." But I have to be sure before I can go to him. For both our sakes. I add to myself silently.

Alice's voice is speaking now. "Bella, Charlie is going to be home soon, so we need to get off the phone.

I don't want her to go, and it shows in my voice. "Okay then."

"Bella, it will be okay." A feeling of profound depression sweeps over me at the thought of her leaving me figuratively alone in the house.

"You need to speak to him, Bella. When you ready, and somehow it will be okay."

"Goodbye Alice."

"I left something on your bed. It will help this afternoon. Go get it quickly, before Charlie gets back."

I take the time to delete Alice's call from the phone before rushing upstairs to see what she left for me.

There's a note on my pillow and my IPOD.

A visit isn't a visit if no one sees or speaks to you, so I haven't broken the rules. I took the liberty of adding some songs to your IPOD. I think you'll benefit from the distraction this afternoon. Emmet helped with the selection. You can tell me how wonderful I am later. Alice x

Ps, don't forget to destroy this note.

She's right, she is wonderful. My grief induced purge of my music collection involved the deletion of the much of the playlist contents of my IPOD.

I scroll through the new entries and I am briefly in heaven. 100's of choices, all loud thumping rhythms both old and new. Perfect for my mood. I slot the IPOD into its dock, crank up the volume and breathe out with relief as Linkin Park thumps through the speakers drowning out the vile silence from the house and filling up my head with enough volume to silence my racing thoughts.

****

The trees towered over me, cathedral like as the crowd together above my head stretching for the grey light above the canopy. Dressed in their perpetual covering of hanging moss with tall wet ferns at their foot, they formed a cage with wooden bars around me, as I spin around on the spot searching the dark forest with growing alarm.

My breaths come in frantic pants as I crash forward through the clawing branches that rip at my clothes, trying to stop my forward movement through the wet undergrowth.

There is no sound around me. No bird song, or noise of wind. The only noise comes from feet and body as force my way through the foliage and my pitiful whimpers as I realise I'm never going to find what I'm looking forward, no matter how fast I ran or how hard I look.

My head jerks to the left and then the right as I hear disembodied whispering coming from the threatening gloom of the undergrowth. Voices; one female, one male. The words are unclear, but they sound angry.

Panicking, I swerve away from the noise, changing direction and continue my ineffective crashing through the ferns and grass.

My breathing is painful now. Coming in screaming, burning pants as I push my body to move faster towards what I'm looking for even though I instinctively know I am getting further away. Obtusely this knowledge does not make me change directions. Instead it causes anguish to resound through me, to the point that I want to scream out in sorrow until my voices echoes through the forest.

Sweat runs down my clammy face, joining the tears that are running incessantly down my cheeks. My heart hammers like a drum inside my chest but I ultimately know that all of this effort is futile. I will fail.

The whispering is getting lower, and closer. Are they chasing me? Or am I running towards them? I don't know anymore. Under the dark, oppressive canopy of the trees everything seems the same. Timeless, unchanging and ultimately threatening.

Then I hear a voice, so clearly it startles me into stopping dead. He's calling for me, but I still can't find him. No matter how hard I try.

I'm spinning around on the spot again, eyes searching the dark beyond the barricade of the trees. It's like I'm on a crazy, whirling merry-go-round that won't stop, and I don't know any more if it is me or the world around me that is spinning.

It doesn't matter, because I can't find him, and I have to find him now, more than I need my next breath.

I scream out in anguish. A name, his name. Pleading for him to come to me because I can't find him.

The female voice is whispering again. Alternating in tone between pleading and threatening, but still hushed indistinct.

My name again.

More angry words.

A cold touch against, too hot skin.

But it's distracting me from finding him amongst trees, so I bat against the hands that are touching me - trying to stop my search - with loud yelp.

"No!"

There is a flash of white in the trees, distant and moving rapidly. I scream out for him again, his name an elongated strangled yell as I drag out the syllables of his name in desperation.

"_ED-WARD!"_

A flash of golden eyes and bronze hair in the dark, but he's not coming closer, in fact, I'm being dragged away

"No, no, no! Let go of me!" I shriek in fury, fighting against the hands that are holding me.

There's a loud growl then a thump. "Get out of here." The female voice, not whispering, but yelling as I thrash against the hands that are holding me.

"Bella, you've got to wake up." More urgent shaking, but I continue to fight.

I'm sobbing now, huge wretched sobs that steal my breath away and leave me gasping, because I finally realise. I'm being pulled away into forest faster than before, back into the prison like circle of the trees. Into darkness, and damp and the smell of rotting leaves. Further and further away from him.

Then something soft touches my faces, and I smell him all around me, and it feels like my heart will stop briefly in relief. My hands grope blindly in the darkness for a cold body, but come up empty except for the sensation of cotton under my skin, and yet the comforting smell remains. It confuses me.

There is a thump of something heavy hitting wood, and then my bedroom door rattling in the frame threateningly. Still caught up in the dream, and petrified that I can't find Edward beside me, I scream out, and scramble into a sitting position, eyes wide with fright.

Charlie is yelling, and the door rattles again, but it doesn't open because Alice has her back to it holding it closed.

"Bella! Bella sweetheart, open the door!" Charlie is yelling again, rattling the door handle fruitlessly.

Alice's face is a mask of pale, furious beauty, as she darts away from the door moving so fast that she is an indistinct flash of light, streaking across my bedroom floor and out the open window soundlessly.

Charlie crashes through into my room and rushes over to my bed, then he crushes me to his chest, and starts to rock me backwards and forwards saying roughly. "It's just a dream, honey, just a dream." As I lie stiff as a mannequin in his arms.

I submit to being rocked and comforted by my father willingly, still shivering with fright caught on the edge of the nightmare. But it is the crushed, tear stained material of Edward's shirt that I clutch in my hand that I want to cling to more. As hard as Charlie is trying to give me comfort, Edward's arms are the only ones I want at the moment. The absence of them wrapped around me leaves me feeling hollow and spent.

I am as naive as I am stupid. My curtailed nightmare from this morning, and my nightmare from tonight are the same. The same abandonment theme as all of my nightmares, but with a twist. It's me screaming, but I am the one leaving, not Edward.

How many ways can a broken heart can shatter, I wonder, as I feel my own splinter and fragment across the floor yet again.

Alice's labels, Jaspers perception, the crescendo of my own tumbling emotions and physical hurt at being away from Edward all day were all pointing to my very own living nightmare. The realisation of it has been tapping on the door of my subconscious all day, waiting for me to let the reality of it in.

What if, I'm too broken to forgive, trust and move on? What if I'm the reason that the love, in our love story doesn't conquer all? Now more than ever, I am frightened, and I'm frightened of me. How messed up is that?


	8. Chapter 9

Author's Note

_I just wanted to say a huge thanks for the reviews that people have left. It has been a pleasure to read them and interesting to see everyone's different perspective._

Chapter 9

My poor, poor, father. He has a lot to put up with concerning me. One thing is true: I love Charlie Swan. Every 6 foot whatever taciturn inch of him, and he loves me no matter how angry he is with me at the moment. As I sit, shivering with reaction to my nightmare in his arms, my appreciation of this makes me feel better.

I excuse the dream as night terrors while stuffing Edward's shirt under my pillow. Charlie is willing enough to take the explanation, but not willing to leave me alone immediately; despite my best efforts. So we end up in the kitchen, with me wrapped in a blanket and Charlie in a ratty old dressing gown that I bought for him years ago.

Maybe he would like a new one for Christmas, I think, inconsequentially as he makes coco for us both. I can't help but notice that his hands are shaking as he pours warmed milk into two cups. Or that he adds whisky to his own cup. I didn't even know that he drank whisky.

Several minutes pass in companionable silence. We are both so similar in nature. Not needing to fill the peace with talking, because sometimes talking can be more awkward than silence. We both understand that much.

The memory of Charlie's hands shaking won't leave me alone, and I worry at it, like scratching a healing scab. I've scared him badly tonight. Or rather he is scared for me _again. _He thinks that the nightmares went away. What he doesn't realise is that I just learned to be quieter.

I sigh, and look up to find Charlie staring at my face with an unreadable expression in his dark eyes.

"You love him, don't you?"

I blink at him startled. I never for one second thought that Edward, this house's unmentionable topic of conversation, would be brought up over the kitchen table so casually by Charlie at one in the morning. I consider hedging by asking him who he means, but I owe him more honesty than that.

"Yes."

"Even after everything that happened?"

"Yes."

Charlie sighs heavily and shakes his head, looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I know exactly how he feels.

"You're only eighteen years old, Bells, and this love," he says it like it's a dirty word, "nearly tore you apart last time."

"I love you, Dad, but I don't want to go over this again. How's it going to help?"

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Bells, you're my little girl, and I feel like I almost lost you last time. You seemed to be getting yourself back together again, and now..."

Charlie lets the words trail off. He doesn't have to vocalise that he is waiting for me to crash into a decline again. What he doesn't appreciate is that I never really 'got better'; I just found ways to cope.

The ache in my heart never left me. The despondency I felt every time the sun rose and I had to face yet another day without Edward, never lessened. I grieved for us every second of every day that he was gone.

"You didn't get better, though, did you Bells?" I start again at his acuity. He has seen more than I ever realised.

"Your mother thought as much too, but I didn't want to believe her or myself. I thought with Jacob....well, I'm not really sure what I thought." He shakes his head again, eyes pained.

Jesus, Renee as well. How transparent have I been to the world lately? I have not been giving my parents enough credit.

What can I say to him to make him feel better, except what I am praying for myself? I so need to believe that it can be true, more than I need to breathe at this moment.

"It's going to be okay, Dad."

I have no idea how it is going to be okay, but is has to be; somehow.

"And she comforts me." He says half to himself smiling wryly, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Always taking care of everyone else."

Charlie tips the dregs of his drink into the sink and puts down the cup before heading towards the door. Rather than me withdrawing myself from this conversation, Charlie is removing himself first. I breathe out a silent and guilty sigh of relief.

"It's late, Bells, don't stay up too long."

"Night, Dad."

"Goodnight, honey, you know where I am if you need me."

I wait until I hear Charlie start to snore, and then head off back to bed trailing the blanket behind me as I pad up the stairs in bare feet. My body is exhausted, but my brain feels more wide awake than it has been in a long time, so sleep is unlikely.

I have some very necessary thinking to do, solutions to find and decisions to make. It gives me both head and heart ache just thing about it. But, I have to start somewhere or otherwise stay in limbo in this house for the next 3 days. So I try to go back over the dream in my head to work out what happened. My feelings of claustrophobic panic come back to me easily, and my breathing hitches in reaction. It's difficult to distance myself from it, but I manage with some effort to be calm and detached from the intensity of the feelings.

Trying to adopt the perspective of a spectator rather than a participant, I sit in my rocking chair instead of my bed and cast my eyes between the still open window and the rumpled up bed, straining to recall the details. The memories are hard to pin down, hazy and already fading. I wish the strength of my fear could fade so readily. That is all too real.

Frustratingly the finer points aren't available to me anymore. I remember Alice's furious face as she held the door shut against Charlie's entrance and the thumping and growling noises. It's unclear to me which parts of my memory are real, occurring inside my room, and which were created inside my head.

Had Edward been in my room or not? Or had his shirt just paid a visit? I giggle at the image of a visiting shirt, but force myself to get back to the matter in hand.

In the end I decide that it doesn't matter, I already know the answer. Those few moments of comfort towards the end of the dream had been real, and only one person has ever been able to make me feel that safe. Edward was in my room, however briefly.

After an initial thrill of feeling, I'm not too sure how to feel about that. Disapproval or relief? Which to choose? Once again I can't seem to care. It's too tiring.

I am the emotional equivalent of a wrung out dish rag. I'm not sure that I have enough in me to feel more tonight. The only thing I want at the moment is to curl up into Edward's arms, sink into unconsciousness and sleep dreamlessly. Uncaring of the consequences.

However, Edward's shirt under my pillow would do at a pinch. Of course, this is the part I am most confused about. I assume he came in the shirt and left without it.

Alice, of course. I almost smack my head at my own stupidity. The vision queen must have come to divert disaster, and left the shirt to help me calm down. I have to admit, she is good. It worked, and worked so well that I'm tempted to climb back into bed with the shirt now, and stay there until Monday and perhaps beyond, depending on how much of a coward I actually am.

Which disaster and why, probably should be top on my list of questions to ask, but can't seem to find the energy to care right now. Alice will have it under control I reason. Compartmentalise and move, I argue with myself, but the nagging feelings about the dream linger. Therein lies a truth that I can't seem to avoid.

I shut my eyes tightly and lean my head back against the rocking chair. Despite my best efforts at remaining calm, a lone tear escapes and slides slowly down my face. It doesn't remain lonely for long as another, and then another join it.

Am I too scared to reach for what I know I want more than anything else in the world? Destined to be 'broken Bella'? The memory of my reflection in the plane restroom mirror comes back to haunt me again, and I stifle a moan.

I have a moment of silent lucidity. I'm 18 years old. Too young to be looking down the barrel of a life of regrets, but just as much, I don't want to be 118 looking back with nothing but regrets. If the Volturi follow through on their promise, this could be a very real reality for me if Edward and I can't come together again.

Would that it weren't so, but my perception is suddenly 20/20. Denial is easier, and to some extent safer. Certainly more familiar to me than the uncharted territory that I am poised on the edge of at the moment. I have another truth to accept, and it is a painful one.

The relationship that Edward and I have or had, though heart wrenchingly beautiful, is flawed because we are flawed. I can see that now.

What we had back before James, was so new, so fragile. Then he came into our lives and poisoned it. Even after I was back from the hospital, back from prom, there were problems that should have been talked about, but were never mentioned. And they festered. I can't say that they didn't. Jasper was just the catalyst to a conflagration that had already been smouldering. What kills me the most, is that we both let it happen, and don't understand why.

What's the answer? I have no clue, and neither does Alice, my friendly neighbourhood crystal ball. Since nobody bets against Alice, where does that leave me? I let the thought trail off unanswered. It's too hard to think about.

Instead, I climb back into my still warm bed and make a date with Edward's shirt. Denial, denial, denial once again, but at least it feels familiar.

****

It's 2:36 AM and I can't sleep. I officially hate my alarm clock. The damn thing's only function at the moment is to successfully remind of my insomnia. I have, _however,_ enjoyed several vengeful fantasies about how to dispose of it. My favourite involves a sledge hammer and a vat of acid.

_Alice, if you're seeing this, the shirt isn't working. I need more of Edward's wardrobe._ I think furiously, only half serious about my potential success. God, I need some sleep, I'm more incoherent than normal. Well you never know; she might make a delivery.

Anything, including my delusions, are better than the page of calculus homework that is making my eyes go blurry, and my head hurt. Of course it had to be a test in my least favourite subject that I missed whilst in Italy, so it would also be the one that I need to cram for before returning to school. Irony is a bitch, particularly this early in the morning.

If there is any justice in the world Alice will make a delivery. Perhaps a nice, big, snugly hoody to keep me warm and surrounded by Edward. I remember Edward wearing a Harvard one that I am particularly fond of.

As much as I love the sensation of the cotton shirt under my nose, which was attempt to sleep number one, I prefer it better now that I am wearing it over my tank top, half buttoned and tied around my waist. Otherwise known as attempt to sleep number two.

I have to say. I have a greater appreciation of vampires and the effect of smell. Surrounded as I am with Edward's scent right now, I never understood how seductive my sense of smell could be. Wearing his lightweight shirt at the moment, I can only guess that a hoody would be _even_ better.

Another twenty or so minutes crawl by, and I continue to write down line after line of unintelligent squiggles that should apparently mean something to me. I'm scrubbing my hand against my tired eyes for the millionth time when I hear a tapping at my window.

I don't for one moment stop to consider that I probably should feel perturbed to have someone knocking on my second storey window in the middle of the night. I only feel profound thankfulness, and anticipation of the treat I hope I am about to receive. With just the tiniest twinge of guilt that I wish somebody else could be delivering it.

I have more guilt when I realise I am relieved to have Alice's company. For someone who was very good at being on their own prior to moving to Forks, I seem to be becoming pathetically unable to be alone for any length of time. Or more correctly, to be without my extended family. It doesn't even occur to me include Edward in this classification. Any time away from him is unendurably painful. That is a given for me. An irrefutable truth tattooed across my soul.

"Alice, you are a goddess. Come on in."

I swivel around in my chair, and my guilty pleasure plummets into concern, then dread because it is Jasper's blond head that appears as his thin, muscular body moves lithely through the small space until he straightens and stands beside the window. No Alice.

I coach myself to be patient. Not to jump to panicking conclusions, but my wardrobe delivery person doesn't appear through the window and my heart jumps into my throat again. Something is wrong.

Jasper's expression is guarded, and tense. My tired brain snaps to attention and doesn't like what it sees. I'm out of my seat, standing tensely on shaking legs within two thundering heart beats.

"What happened?" I don't bother with pleasantries, panic making me sharper than I want to be. "Where's Alice?"

Jasper looks slightly taken aback by the aggressiveness of my tone, and brings his hands up with a universal gesture of surrender.

"Bella, it is okay. If you're not comfortable with me here, I can call Alice."

I shake my head impatiently, trying hard to rein in my fear enough to calm down for Jasper's benefit. I'm not scared of him, I'm scared of why he has felt the need to come alone, in the middle of the night without Alice. This was no planned visit, vision lead or otherwise.

He relaxes slightly as my feelings register with him, but isn't forth coming with an answer to my question, and I grow impatient, and then anxious again. Interestingly, he's letting me feel this way. Letting me experience my fear, without intervention. The hair on the back of my neck prickles with uncomfortable anticipation at this realisation.

As controlled as his expression is, Jasper's eyes are turbulent, with something that seems to be directed at me. Anger.

My own crazy mixed up temper, reacts in turn. I don't care what he's cross about, or why he's here now in the middle of the night alone in my room. Something has happened, and I don't care what it is or why. It is completely instinctive inside me. I don't _need_ to know from Jasper, because I already know. Something is wrong with Edward.

"Take me to him." I say without hesitation. "Now."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." He growls in reply. "Hell, I'm not sure what I'm even doing here."

Something happened tonight. Between Edward being here with me and Jasper standing pissed with me by the window. My anxiety kicks up a notch.

"Why?" I ask in a small voice, not sure that I want to hear his answer. "Why is it a bad idea?"

Jasper rakes his long fingers though his blond hair and begins to pace in front of the window like a lion in a too small cage at the zoo. He is a moving image of raw, caged energy; dangerous.

"Because I don't know if you aren't in part to blame for this."

Without knowing why, I'm flooded with remorse automatically. Of course it must be my fault, frail inadequate Bella screws up again. I walk backwards towards my bed, and sit down heavily.

This is crazy, I'm feeling guilty for something I didn't even do. Then I realise, it is Jasper's emotions that I'm experiencing, not mine. His guilt and uncertainty.

"Tell me what happened." I whisper at first, then louder. "Tell me what's wrong, Jasper, before I go over there myself and find out without your help!"

"I don't know what happened." He snaps, and the frustration and worry in his voice is evident, and then mine in turn.

Jasper stops his agitated pacing and fixes me with a fierce glare. "I did what you asked me to do Bella. I went to Edward, forced my company on him. Pursued him to leave his room and come out to hunt with me. He knew why of course; that you had wanted him to, so he came out. He was _pleased_ to know that you were worrying about him."

His last words are almost an angry growl and they are directed squarely at me. I have no doubts about that. I squirm under the force of Jasper's stare, almost wishing that he would start pacing again to relieve my tension. Unclear if I deserve any relief.

I do my best to keep a hold of my agitation, even though it's killing me to do it. Jasper's anger is born out of worry for his brother, and he needs to express it. If that means being angry with me, then I need to endure until it runs its course. Mostly I want him keep talking. I need to know what's wrong with Edward.

So, even as the tension is strangling the breath from my lungs, I remain silent and accepting as Jasper continues to rain down his ire on my bent head in both words and his projected emotions.

"Alice saw that you were going to have a nightmare, so she was already over here with you waiting. She kept it from Edward, knowing that you didn't want to see him yet, but when we were out in the forest, something changed. I don't know what. One minute we were stalking Elk and the next minute he bolted."

"He came here." I say quietly.

"Next thing I know, Alice is screaming for me to come and help her bring Edward home."

Suddenly Jasper's fear piles down onto me, and I gasp curling into myself on the bed, rocking backwards and forwards drowning in it. The pitch of his emotions are too extreme: anxiety, guilt, loneliness, and worst of all the dreadful finality of some sort of acceptance.

I moan out in pain, feeling like my head will explode from the depth of emotions flooding one on another as they come at me in tsunami sized waves.

"Jasper, please, stop! It's too much."

He's at my side in seconds, a hand on my knee, and calm follows quickly. I drag in a sobbing breath as the pressure in my head lifts.

"God, Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I don't really have control over myself at the moment."

I look up at him scared to ask. "They're not your emotions, are they?"

He shakes his head, and I can see he is reluctant to admit this to me.

"This is how he was feeling when you found him?"

"Yes."

"Did he tell you this? Explain?"

"He hasn't spoken since we picked him up from the forest floor and put him back in his room. Not one word."

"Picked him up? I-I don't understand." I stutter. "We didn't even..." Talk I was about to say, but Jasper cuts me off. His normally softly spoken voice cold.

"If maintaining your separation was designed to bring him down to his knees, you've succeeded."

"That was never my intention. You think I was keeping us apart out of cruelty?"

Jasper's face tightens with what I interpret as anger, and the tears start coming harder. "I told you how it affects him being away from you." His tone is accusatory, sharp and to the point.

More tears spring to my eyes, and a fresh wave of guilt floods through me. Hadn't that been how it had started though? Tit for Tat on the plane. Maybe he is right?

"You must hate me." I whisper.

Jasper groans again, and rubs his head as though pained, but his voice is softer, more forgiving.

"I don't hate you Bella. I hate what you are doing to each other. That's not an attempt to put blame on either of you. I don't understand how it went so wrong, but you can't keep doing this. You're hurting each other, and I get the pleasure of experiencing it from both of you first hand. You've no idea Bella."

I honestly think do, but I am thankful. The experience has been painfully insightful. Whatever we are to each other, I need to be with Edward right now. The rest can wait.

"I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. Feeling what he is feeling now. It's too much. I had to do something. No one should have to feel that much. And you're no better. It's unbearable."

One silent hiccupping sob, follows another, and I am undone. I curl into myself on the bed again, only just holding it together enough to stop sobbing out loud. What a mess I have made of this.

"Bella." My name in Jasper's angry voice, makes me want to cry more.

"You're right to be angry at me." I manage to whisper and look up at his face, fully expecting further condemnation, but all I see is guilt.

"I'm not angry with you Bella, I am furious at myself. It's my fault that Edward separated you both in the first place. My lack of control that started this sorry situation."

I feel calm, edged with guilt filter through my tense muscles as Jasper tries to alleviate the situation.

"Jasper no, I didn't happen like that. I have had time to think about this tonight, truly. Things between Edward and I needed fixed before my birthday happened. You-we, were just victims of circumstances in the end."

"I tried to end your life, and you manage to turn that into your fault." Jasper is incredulous. I look at him confused as his expression becomes wryly amused, and he sighs.

"So alike."

"Pardon?"

"You and Edward, both so alike, cut from the same cloth. Sure, Edward maybe more dominant and slightly more flamboyant," his lips quirk with more amusement at his own choice of words, "in his reactions, but you act the same in the end. You are both self sacrificing, guilt ridden and stubborn to a fault."

I pull a face, and Jasper smiles. "Ask Alice if you don't believe me."

I scrub my hand across my wet eyes, and stand up, forcibly screwing my back bone back into place, so to speak. I don't have time for self indulgent tears just now.

"Will you take me to him, please?"

Jasper looks unsure suddenly, and I worry that he is thinking that I might do more harm than good coming to Edward now, but _need_ to see him. Then I realise, he's worried about his control. I guess I'm doing this on my own then.

I chew on my lip. Taking my truck is out of the question. I don't know where Charlie has hidden the keys, and the deafening roar of the engine would give me straight away. The cruiser was also out, since Charlie had started hiding the keys to his car too since I came back from Italy. I guess he is trying to narrow down my means of escape. I bet he didn't realise I had worked that one out.

Sneaking down the stairs and meeting Jasper outside is possible, but of course if Jasper has issues with me being in the same room as him, then being carried through the forest or travelling in the same car doesn't seem prudent. I don't have time for his doubts. I decide, and my resolve strengthens.

"You've hunted recently, right?" I ask, not sure since I can't see the colour of his eyes well in the muted light of my room.

"Yes, but it's not that easy for me, Bella." He looks wretchedly back at me; ashamed.

"Jasper, please don't feel like that."

"Maybe we should call...." I traill off as I realise who is missing from this little tableau. Snorting, I start talking again with new determination. We are wasting time with this.

"You can manage this." I say with confidence, but Jasper looks less certain, and in fact backs away from me towards the window.

"Think about it, Jasper, you wouldn't want to eat your baby sister." He looks more wretched than before if that is possible. Okay, wrong choice of words.

"Please Jasper, think about it, do you think little miss know-it-all would let you turn up here if she saw something bad was going to happen?"

I'm trying my best to shove all the love and confidence that I have towards him, along with the complete trust that I have in Alice and her abilities.

He smiles at me softly, but it doesn't quite touch his eyes.

"For me, for Alice, who has no doubt planned this all along." I wheedle.

"_Please!"_ my earlier urgency leaks through into my voice, even though I am still trying to sound confidential nonchalant that he will not rip my throat out and drain me dry somewhere in the middle of the dark trees.

Conflicted meet, Jasper. Jasper, meet conflicted, I think, growing unreasonably irritated by the delay.

"Fine, I guess I will have to find my truck keys after all." I say, turning to leave the room to begin a stealthy search of the house.

"No."

I jump because he is suddenly right behind me, and a completely instinctive shiver of fright races down my back. Idiot that I am, I have to stifle a small shriek. Jasper's face falls slightly when the sensation and my outcry reach him.

I touch his arm quickly. "I didn't mean that at all Jasper, it was completely instinctive."

"It's how you should react."

"We need to go, Jasper, make your mind up. In or out?"

"In."

I approach him slowly, ready to thank him from the bottom of my heart.

"I should probably go......"

Put some shoes on, I was going to say, but faster than I can process I am in his arms, out of the window, and standing in bare feet on the soggy front lawn beside the open passenger door of the Mercedes.

".....put some shoes and clothes on." I finish lamely.

Jasper is already standing on the driver's side of the car looking slightly sheepish, but with an adorably boyish grin despite it.

"Oh, never mind." I say, climbing into the car, "But you get to deal with Alice's comments at the other end."

The Mercedes' engine purrs into life and we pull away from the house at the Cullens' normal driving pace of warp speed, but the expensive car responding without obvious effort. The marching ranks of trees flashing past in the darkness outside marks our progress.

I shiver, I don't like the woods and the dark anymore. They have featured in too many of my recent nightmares.

As time passes, it's hard not to notice that Jasper seems tense, and becoming tenser by the minute. When he stops breathing all together I start to get worried. Weirdly it is a welcome distraction from my mind's rather lurid images of what I am going to find when I finally get to Edward's side. How he is going to respond to my presence, or not as the case maybe.

"Jasper, are you okay?"

"It's your smell, Bella; it's more difficult than I anticipated in the confines of the car."

I have to stop myself from sniffing my arm pits, and it is clear that my chagrin is reflected on my face as Jasper lets out a low belly laugh, and I giggle nervously in return. It's ridiculously easy for us to find relief in the humour despite ourselves.

"Come on. You know I don't mean it like that, Bella, you just smell luscious as always."

I should be frightened by his choice of words, but it just amuses me more. I'm weird that way I guess. I press the button on the door to bring the electric windows down.

Jasper relaxes almost immediately, and I giggle helplessly at the relief on his face.

He meets my smile with one of his own, and a disbelieving shake of his golden head. "You are one weird human, Bella."

"You notice that, huh?"

I try to bury myself deeper into Edward's shirt to keep warm as twin cold drafts fill the car from the open windows. Being surrounded by his smell helps to calm my otherwise just under the surface anxiety.

We lapse into silence, and with it I let my mind turn over more anxious thoughts, and grow more distressed as each one marches through my brain and straight across my already bruised heart.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Will you stop it?"

"Can you distract me?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll stop it."

"How do you want me to distract you?"

"Jasper, you can't expect me to _tell you how_ to distract me. How is that ever going to work?" I asked incredulously. When he starts laughing, I realise it had been working, and pull a half anxious half irritated face at him, even though I am thankful for his efforts.

The car slows as Jasper swings it onto the unlit driveway, and begins to follow the sweeping curves that snake around the trees. In a few more minutes and we will be at the house.

I perch on the edge of my seat. My heart is thundering out a distressed rhythm, and my breathing becomes fast and uneven in response. I feel Jasper try to intercede on my behalf, but I stop him with a hand on his arm.

"Jasper, please don't. I _need_ to feel this. I need to know that everything I feel from now on is coming from me."

"Okay." Jasper replies, but his face is pained again.

I can see that this is as hard on him as he said, probably more so. So what about the rest of the family? I'm scared to ask directly, so I start with a different question.

"Why wasn't Alice with you tonight?"

"My only thought tonight was to get out of the house. I didn't decide to come to your house until I was literally outside. After that she would have known, and would have come if she thought she needed to."

"How is everybody else coping? Please, I need to know." Jasper looks at me like I am asking the dumbest question in the world, but has the good manners to answer anyway.

"Alice is angry with Edward, Rosalie is angry with Alice for what she see as her interference."

"Rosalie doesn't like Alice siding with me."

"Yes, and no at the same time. She's being Rosalie, let's leave it at that. Carlisle and Esme are worried about everyone, and Emmet is stuck somewhere in the middle. Edward was angry at everyone, but is now an emotional black hole. And there you have it."

The lights of the car suddenly break through the tight overhang of the trees and ferns on either side of the driveway and flash across the short grass of the lawn as the car swings around the final part of the drive that ends in front of the house.

"We're here." I say unnecessarily and stumble clumsily out of the car before Jasper has even has a chance to stop properly.

I race up the stairs and across the wraparound porch of the elegant white house as fast as my clumsy bare feet will carry me. Tumbling into the warmly illuminated hallway I carelessly let the large glass door swing open and crash against the inner wall. Blinking owlishly in the light, I skid to a halt beside Emmet who steadies me automatically.

"Whoa there, Bella!"

Emmet, poor Emmet who has been stuck in the middle because of me. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around his huge neck, and hug him as tightly as I can.

"Emmet..!"

"Welcome home, sweetie. I've missed our resident crazy human." Emmet hugs me back with a laugh, then sets me down on my feet.

Carlisle appears walking down the staircase. His eyes move between me and Jasper who has entered silently behind me with considerably more composure.

I focus my attention on Carlisle, and run to meet him when he gets to the bottom of the stairs. Something stops me from embracing him though. I don't know why exactly, and I don't have time to stop to think about it now.

_Carlisle who has been worrying about everyone_. Jasper's words sound in my head again. Carlisle will understand what I need, why I am here, why it has to be now.

"Where's Edward?" I ask breathlessly

With a questioning look on his face, and a scolding tone, Carlisle turns to Jasper with one eyebrow raised. "Jasper?"

My eyes dart between Jasper's dismissive shake of his head and Carlisle's deepening frown. His expression becomes graver when he scans down my Edward shirt, tank top and tartan PJ clad form ending with my bare feet. Correction, my dirty bare feet.

"Jasper, what were you thinking?" This time he doesn't try to hide the disapproval in his voice.

"He did what needed to be done." Alice replies in a soft but determined voice, sinking back against Jasper as she comes to stand in front of him as he wraps his arms around her waist.

"Hi Bella." Her smile is softly welcoming, but her face puckers when she takes in my outfit, a fact that Emmet doesn't miss.

"Nice jimjams Bella." Emmet smirks again. Blushing I shift my weight from foot to foot impatiently.

"Shouldn't you be running around after Rosalie or something?" I mutter crossly, but his grin just widens. I don't have time for this, I think with rising frustration, and focus my attention back on Carlisle.

"Where is he?" I asked urgently, bouncing on the spot with nervousness.

Carlisle's hands came out to steady me by the shoulders, his voice soothing. "Bella, slow down. Edward is in his room."

Oh, of course. Where else would he be. I step back to walk around Carlisle, ready to rush head long up the stairs, but he steps in front of me again.

"Does Charlie know you're here?"

I stop myself from asking sarcastically what does he think? It is must be past three in the morning and I am standing in front of him dressed in PJs with bed hair, no doubt, finishing off my 'just woken up' outfit.

"No, look, it doesn't matter." I say, doing my best to push back on the flash of irritation that I feel towards Carlisle right now at the unnecessary delay.

"Bella, I really don't think this is such a good idea. I don't think you want to risk Charlie finding you out of the house in the middle of the night."

He has a hold of my shoulders again, and he's in my way _again._ Doesn't he see that I don't have time for this?

"Carlisle, please, I just want to see Edward."

I grimace with irritation. There is an urgency building. Filling me up until I don't feel comfortable inside my own skin any more, just like this morning, and he is making it worse.

"Bella, I want to you to trust that I know what's best."

"What does he want me to do, beg? I will if I have to.

"Carlisle, please." I say with wide, pleading eyes, which look over to Alice when I see that he isn't moved.

"Carlisle." It's Jasper who tries to intervene on my behalf. "They need to see each other."

"No Bella, you have to listen to me about this. I know how Charlie feels at the moment, and I don't want you to force him down a path that will hurt you both in the end."

I'm ready to argue and willing to just barge past him, but when he starts to talk to me in that fatherly tone again, I snap.

"You will be a full member of my family one day...."

I can see Esme in my peripheral vision, standing just behind Carlisle and to the right. The only person who is missing from this little scene is Rosalie.

"Don't speak to me like that!"

Carlisle left me behind. He doesn't get to speak to me like that. I jerk out from his hands furiously and back away from him with, quick, angry steps. I'm trembling visibly now, and feel physically sick.

"Bella?"

Carlisle's honey amber eyes are confused, and Esme steps up to his side, her hand on his arm.

"I am _not_ your daughter." I enunciate each word bitterly as I circle quickly round him and manage to get to the bottom step without being challenged

"Bella, honey?"

Esme's voice this time. Gentle, pleading, motherly, but she left me behind too.

It's too much to expect one person to deal with. I'm too full up with emotions, and they have to escape. Even if I wanted to stop the tumble of vitriolic words coming out of my mouth I couldn't, because I don't want to.

"I'm Charlie's daughter. You lost the right to consider me that way when you walked away from me."

Esme's horrified gasp doesn't stop the verbal bile that is flowing out of me. The dam is broken now, emotional flood waters raging inland.

"Edward left for his own reasons, but don't try to tell me that the rest of the family left because of that."

"Bella that's not....." My outraged gasp silences Carlisle.

I point an accusing finger at his chest and struggle to stop my hand from trembling as I continue to back away from him further up the staircase.

"They left because you told them to do it. Families don't leave daughters behind. You left me like a discarded toy or a broken doll." Laurent's words in the meadow come back to haunt me again.

"Or an unwanted pet." I yell, borrowing Laurent's terminology as tears spring to my eyes.

"You don't get to talk to me as though I'm your daughter. _Not_ _anymore!_"

This explosion of accusations doesn't make me feel any better, just empty. I need to see Edward. I am done with this conversation. Dried up, nothing more to add. It has all been said.

I spin, half tripping and stumble my way up the stairs, uncaring about the emotional damage that I am leaving behind me. I need Edward and that is all.

My bare feet run down the luxuriously carpeted hallway, beating out the same urgent rhythm as my heart. Then I see her. Rosalie is sitting cross legged on the floor leaning against the wall opposite Edward's room. She unfolds herself lithely and stands as I approach. I see a flash of something cross her face, but neither of us stops to speak, and she walks off silently down the corridor leaving me unchallenged.

Edward's bedroom door is open when I get to it. Or absent, I should say, since the door is hanging drunkenly detached from its hinges laying half propped in the door way. Evidence of more carnage litters the room. Curtains ripped, furniture upturned, and the floor is littered with the remains of books, CDs and his stereo. In the middle of the devastation is Edward, crumpled on the floor like a puppet with broken strings, his head buried in his knees.

Jasper doesn't know what happened between my nightmare and Edward's breakdown, but the wreckage of his room is evidence enough of how strong it must have been.

It's like he doesn't even realise I'm there. Exactly as Jasper described. Emotionally and physically on his knees. As though he has caved in on himself, and isn't able or willing to dig himself out. I don't know exactly what happened tonight, but this is about more than our separation.

Even in misery, he is beauty personified. Like a sculptor's perfect image of a study in grief carved out of eternally ageless marble. It would be only the most gifted of artists that could conceive or even create a representation to match him for perfection.

I force my trembling body to cross the threshold of his room and walk with slow, measured steps to his side. He doesn't move, not once, and I realise that he isn't breathing.

I panic. There is something very wrong with this. Edward stripped of his quiet confidence and self containment, isn't something I have ever seen, and it scares me. I curse myself for my weakness. I need to be the strong one for us both just now, and I'm terrified of failing.

The ghosts of my old insecurities are back. Whispering insidiously. Reminding me that I am never going to be _enough_ to deserve him. Not beautiful like Rosalie, strong like Emmet, or gifted like Jasper and Alice. Compassionate like Carlisle or selflessly loving like Esme. I'm just an imperfect, frail human girl. I'm not enough to be with Edward, but I have to be enough. Otherwise, why am I here now?

The whispers could become screams so easily if I let them, and it would be easier to let them. To allow myself to slide backwards into the dark and let it drown me. To let myself believe, wallow in the doubts and insecurities and become broken Bella again. To be a silent martyr to my shortcomings.

I know one thing special about myself. I love Edward Cullen, the beautiful, perfect, flawed man at my feet, and that was going to have to be special enough to make up for all the rest. He needs me, and I need him. The rest of it can go to hell for now.

I don't stop to think about physical boundaries or whether I should be doing what I am about to do. Instead I let my heart lead for the first time since we stepped off the plane in Seattle. Trusting that I still know how to do what once came so effortlessly for us. To offer and find our silent communion again. To be more than just Bella and Edward. To be us again; whole. Perhaps not healed, but at least whole. The rest could wait.

I take Edward's cold hands into mine, and move them gently from his knees. He lifts his beautiful face to look at me for the first time. Eyes black with sorrow and hunger. When he looks like he is going to speak, I touch his lips, with one finger and shake my head.

We don't need words to do this. We need contact at the most basic level more. We need heart, and healing and each other, and that is what I am offering him now.

I straddle his lap and slide down his knees until we are face to face. We grow still as we watch each other. Without words. Palm to palm.

I feel like I can breathe again as Edward pulls in a deep breath for the first time since I entered the room, and I feel him shudder under me. I slip my arm tentatively to his neck, giving him time to pull back if he needs to, but he grabs for me almost greedily. As though I might disappear from his grasp like a phantom or vision from a dream.

I can understand his fear. How many times have I woken on the edge of a dream expecting him to find my cold empty room instead? Edward might not be able to dream, but it is like he is waking up from a nightmare now. If it is in my power, I will never let him wake up alone again.

My hands fist into the disheveled mess of his hair as he buries his face against my chest, shaking. I feel him move his face against me until the chilled skin of his cheek makes contact with me, skin to skin, and it feels like I am finally home. We are both trembling now.

"Please say it, I-I need to hear you say it." Edward's voice is barely a whisper against the skin of my neck, but it still sets off a shivering curl of reaction in the pit of my stomach.

"I love you."

His shoulders start to heave with dry sobs, and between each heart breaking outcry, he speaks. With each repeat of the words, my heart breaks a little more.

"Thank you.....thank you.....thank you." I tightened my arms around Edward, and he tightens his around me. Communion found, we are whole again.

As he has played and hummed for me, I croon for him. Words of love and healing. Words of promise. For him, for me, for us. Words that I want to be true and others that I struggle to believe. I want to believe, and that has to be a start.


	9. Chapter 10

_Author's Note_

_Thank you all for taking the time to leave feedback. I always find it interesting to see other people's perceptions of how the characters are behaving or reacting to each other. Seeing my story through the eyes of readers absolutely fascinates me. So please keep the comments coming._

_Also and apology for the long delay between chapters. At least I can say that this is a long update (8,000 plus words), so please enjoy._

Chapter Ten

Gradually, like a river that has slowly run dry, his sobs slow and then stop, and with them my tears. We both stop trembling, and sit secured together by our encircling arms with no space between us.

With Edward's head buried against the skin of my chest and my face tucked into the chilled skin on the back of his neck we are merged still as statutes breathing for each other.

Connected, skin to skin like this we are perfectly irrefutable and strong; a force to be reckoned with. It's always the words that we share that break us apart in the end. The words and everything else in our lives that get in the way, but as much as I might want to remain isolated from a world that seems to be determined to keep us apart, we still have to be able to live as well as love, so the rest has to be dealt with.

I may be eighteen, but I have never felt more like a helpless, clueless child than I do at this moment. Like a storm weary traveller without a compass or other means of navigation I am lost on a sea of emotions. Emotions which feel so foreign to me that I can't find the will to own them, never mind deal with them.

I shift unconsciously against Edward, pushing closer and he mirrors the movement by tucking his face tighter into my chest. Sick to my very soul, I realise that our interlude has to end soon and acknowledge that my battle weary heart is unwilling to let go. My stomach suddenly ties itself into so many knots that it could be used for macramé. I am left with a churning sense of déjà vu.

Stay or go?

Words or silence?

Why does it always come down to seemly impossible choices for us? When will it ever be easy? I am once again - as on the plane - scared to speak, but I know that my fear is a wasted effort. It is undeniable that we are out of choices. Speak we must because what other course of action do we have left?

We have to move forward or sit and stagnate among the ruins of our relationship. So it doesn't matter how tongue tied my fear is making me; I must find the strength to face the impossible or remain in this indeterminate state cast somewhere adrift between heaven and hell.

Heaven, because being in Edward's arms gives me the profoundest sense of rightness that I have and will ever feel, and hell because that is what is waiting for me if we can't be together.

Edward sighs, interrupting my integral monologue and I start against his chest. His cradling arms suddenly contract around me tightly.

"Bella?"

It fills me with a weird sense of calm to hear his heavenly voice vibrate through my chest so close to my heart, but is hurts to hear the anxiousness in his question.

In this moment I know for certain that I can never live without this again. I know I am weak, but if he left again it would destroy me.

"I'm here Edward." I am stating the obvious, but I mean so much more.

Edward relaxes fractionally beneath me, and I begin to breathe again. Listening to the soothing sounds of air moving in and out of his broad chest I let it settle my over excited heart into a more sensible rhythm. A comfortable silence comes to rest over us, cocooning us together again in our own little bubble.

I sigh to myself. We can't keep this up forever. One of us has to pull back.

I slide my hands from where they are still fisted in his silky hair to cup both of his cheeks and pull his face up to mine. When we are face to face my resolve starts to waver.

Edward's normally golden eyes are black with hunger. Purple blue shadows scar the skin under them; land marking his stubborn refusal to hunt. I stroke the shadows under Edward's eyes with my fingers and wonder what he sees in my face to cause the skin of his forehead to pucker.

His hands trace a delicate, tingling path from my cheeks to the pulse points on my neck then down my back, and minutes tick by as we study each other in silence. I count each measured breath in and out, waiting patiently for one of us to be brave enough to finally talk.

Edward's hands slide back up from hips to my shoulders, and he tries to pull me close again. I resist with a shake of my head. His eyes are suddenly darker; equal parts sorrowful and anxious. I try to gentle my withdrawal by cupping his cheek. He tilts his face into my palm, and his eyes drift shut. It is my turn to feel shutout as I lose one connection to him behind his pale eye lids.

We should withdraw from each other to have this conversation, but neither of us seems able. Instead, I lay my chin on his shoulder and look out across the wreckage of his room towards the all consuming darkness outside the windows. Edward's arms once again tighten around me. He nuzzles his face against the side of my neck so it is half buried within my hair. I feel him sigh and a gentle shudder trembles through him as his muscles slowly relax. I apologise internally to us both, but make myself speak despite my instinct to keep quiet.

"What happened, Edward? What happened when you were hunting with Jasper?"

He shudders under me, and his voice is rough, "I heard you screaming."

"So you came to my room?"

Even though I _told you_ to stay away, angry Bella shrills inside my head. I ignore her, clamping down on my anger as best I can.

"Yes."

Edwards stiffens against me and the hand that had been stroking absently backwards and forwards against the small of my back stops. Like he is bracing himself for the impact of my response, but I remain silent.

Edward's next words are rushed and accusatory. Each word spoken is louder and stronger than the one before.

"It's agony to be away from you. You can't expect me to stay away in the circumstances. You were screaming my name. _Screaming, Bella._" He shudders again, and pulls me impossibly closer.

I am at a crossroads. What do I need more at the moment? The luxury of a wrathfully direct response or answers?

I don't have limitless courage in this situation, but I fear failure more than anything else. So I reach for my fear and courage at the same time and pursue answers. A controlled sigh whooshes out between my teeth, and I try to blow the anger out with the breath. Steeling myself, I stretch my resolve a little thinner.

"I had a nightmare." I pause for half a second. "Alice _was_ with me." Damn. That came out sharper than I meant it, so much for my Zen Master approach.

"Yes, Alice...."

He trails off and it is his turn to try to rein in his temper. I feel the muscles across his back tense up under my wandering hand. He's upset I realise. Upset that I allow Alice's company while I shun his.

It doesn't matter, I say to myself, none of this matters. I stroke my hand through the back of his unruly hair seeking to sooth him, and unintentionally soothing myself.

There is a duality to us that I never truly appreciated until it was gone. His pain is my pain, so as I feel him relax by increments, and I too relax in turn. We are two halves of the same fragmented whole. Fragmented which is just another word for broken. Could it be that Edward is just as broken as me?

Suddenly he chuckles darkly, and I am confused. I see no humour in this situation at all. Particularly not in the animosity between Alice and Edward which is my fault in no small part.

"She threw me out of your window, did you know that? She maybe tiny, but she is ruthless when crossed. You made a good choice of bodyguard with Alice. Better than I think you realise. She has been most vocal in her support of you."

I can imagine. Alice crossed is a scary prospect indeed.

I'm not sure if I should be telling him this next part. To clarify the nightmare for him, but I feel like it needs to be said. So I opt for the whole unvarnished truth, because it feels right. The words tumble out of me in an urgent, hushed cadence, whispered against the skin of his neck.

"I wanted you to be there, after the nightmare. It was you that I was looking for when I woke up, and your face that I wanted to see on my pillow."

I pull back to see his face. To let him see the honesty of my words reflecting in my eyes even if I can only say them in a cracked whisper. I need him to understand that I want him, even if I push him away.

Edward studies me intently for several seconds, before dropping a kiss on my forehead which he follows with a trail of butterfly kisses which wander slowly down past my ear to the side of my neck into which he tucks his cold face.

"Thank you for telling me that," he murmurs into the skin behind my ear, "but I don't deserve the sentiment."

I shiver in reaction to the bleakness in his voice and pull away from him again, needing to see the shifting emotions on his beautiful face, but he turns away from me hiding his eyes. He releases me completely when he rises to his feet in one fluid movement.

Bereft of the contact with Edward, I feel suddenly vulnerable, and I draw my knees to my chest, and curl up around them defensively. Tracking his movement with my eyes, I watch as he crunches across the remains of smashed CD boxes until he is standing with his back to me staring out of the dark window.

"Tell me what happened, Edward."

"Charlie happened." He shakes his head, and leans one hand against the glass as though he is having trouble standing.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything that Alice has bombarded me with since we met in Volterra. All of her recriminations, accusations and imploring never touched me, not really. It was Charlie's memories of you that finally brought me down to earth. The purity of his fear when he couldn't get through the door to you. The rush of memories he had of you when he saw you sobbing on your bed. Memories of seeing you like that, night after night after night. Watching you turn inside yourself and waste away in front of him. The way he saw himself loosing you a little bit more each day."

"Edward, stop it, please." I beg. Scared of the way his words feel like they are dragging broken Bella back to the surface of my consciousness again, but he carries on oblivious to my request.

"I lived it, all through his memories, and it was too much to bear. So I stopped trying to bear it."

Edward's collapse and emotional withdrawal from his family makes sense now. He's saying that he stopped feeling because he couldn't anymore. I understand what he means completely. I've been to that place inside myself because he sent me there. He made me walk an emotional tightrope between the razor sharp reality of his desertion and the numbing oblivion of being broken Bella.

I might be able to understand, but I am not sure yet if I can forgive, because the truth is that I still feel like it is his fault, however much he suffers for it. Because we've both suffered. It's not just about Edward's pain. I had pain too, and there is a hard angry part of me that needs someone to pay for that. I guess my head wants to blame Edward, even if my heart wants to let it go. Or perhaps it is more that my heart wants to forgive and forget, and my head is struggling to trust.

"That was the moment when all my self-important, superior delusion came smashing down around me." Edward's voice is so quiet now that I have to strain to hear him clearly. I'm not even sure if he realises that I am here anymore.

"I saw, everything that you....." His voice cuts off with a strangled moan of pain.

"God, Bella, if I had realised, for one second, just one second how it would be for you. You have to believe me. I would never have left. You have to believe me."

I tuck my face closer into my knees defensively rolling myself into a smaller, tighter ball on the floor, and let silence slide betweens us like a barrier.

I can hear his anguish eloquently expressed with every harsh and rapid in and exhale he makes. Read it in the defeated set of his shoulders and his lowered head.

I have words for him. Explanations, but I don't think they are going to help. Regretfully I let them leave my lips whisper quiet. Because do I believe?

"You were home to me Edward. Everything and anything I could ever want. When I was with you it was like you were giving me the gift of a world that I had never thought to ask for or need. My soul's other half, the love and acceptance of a real family, siblings. It was all mine. Then you took it all away, and left me empty."

There. It is said. Does it give me relief, or lesson his grief? No, not really. Because they are only words. I have to be able to see that he understands the truth within the words to find my relief and, _I suspect_, his too.

I also have to be able to see some truths of my own, to be able to move forward. But it is hard, so very hard to accept that something that I once viewed as being perfectly faithful in its absoluteness is in fact utterly fallible, breakable and flawed. Another unpalatable truth to be swallowed processed and put away. So here is my truth.

There has been poisonous doubt living within our relationship and it is far older than our conversation in the woods. Going back to the arrival of James and perhaps even before. It has caused a crack that slices straight through the fragile foundations that we built. It may be Edward's fault for leaving, but I am equally culpable for ignoring the signs of the strain between us when they were so obviously there.

I've always been somebody's caretaker. Renee, Charlie, Jacob even. I large part of my personality needs to need and be needed. With Edward, I was the one taken care of. So protectively cherished, that I felt safe, and loved, and I revelled in it. Relieved to have such a burden carried by another for once I let him act for us both. Within all of that, immersed in the perfect harmony of being so loved, I missed where we went wrong. Refused it even, I realise, thinking back to the days after my birthday, of our conversation in the hospital when I made him promise he would stay.

After James, somewhere down the line, Edward's protectiveness twisted into something unhealthy. More than just my breakable humanity, I become like a china doll to him, too breakable to be held or touched, only safe in a cabinet away from the world. His world. So he left, to protect his precious human doll, and I was destroyed. Smashed into so many pieces that I'm not sure I can be fixed.

We should have healed together after the trauma of James. Instead we silently pulled apart from each other in our own way. Neither meaning to with any deliberate intent, but still it happened. I withdrew into my denial and self assertions that everything would be fixed if I held onto him tightly enough. Edward withdrew first into himself, and then into his protectiveness. Believing that he needed to leave to save me.

I might seek to hide within my denial now, but I understand that it has caused damage to us both. The denial that we were simply "okay" after James has lead us to this. It is like the emotional equivalent of running with scissors. Foolishly reckless and ultimately painful. Honesty is the only thing that is going to help now. The wound has to be cauterised to heal.

Edward's voice, when he continues to speak, is as wretchedly self recriminating as his posture. "I know I've hurt you beyond endurance, Bella, but please, please tell me how to fix this."

The only response I can is manage is a strangled sob. Edward's shoulders slump and I hear a thump as his forehead comes into contact with the glass.

Between trying to stop crying, and being unable to decide what has to be said next, I remain mute and indeterminate seconds drag by; sharp and painful. The atmosphere in the room becomes smothering and heavy.

There is suddenly a muted shattering noise and I lift my head to see Edward shove himself off the glass window with his hands, leaving it cracked from corner to corner from the force he used. I recognise the expression of desperation on his face. Edward is like me, out of control on an edged and unsure whether to cling or jump.

Suddenly he is pacing. Backwards and forwards like a caged animal, with his head in his hands and his fingers clenched in his hair with agitation, cursing under his breath.

"Why can't a read you mind? I can't stand this. Please, Bella, talk to me."

More silence.

More pacing

No answers.

"Tell me anything. Tell me what your feeling. Tell me you hate me if you must, but please talk to me."

The sound of my heart beat in my ears.

Breathe in and breathe out.

Hurting and waiting and deafening silence.

"I don't hate you." I barely whisper.

Edward freezes to the spot, immobilised by my voice.

Stronger this time, more confident and slightly accusatory. "I don't hate you. I'm confused and frightened, Edward, how do you think I feel? Like I should be ready to go skipping through the daisies or something? I have all this anger, and questions and doubts, and my first instinct is to run to you, but you aren't the person I should be running to, at least not yet."

I've hurt him again. By vocalising how I feel. I've hurt him. Perhaps the silence was better.

I tuck my chin into my knees again and look down feigning a fascination with the movement of my dirty toes as I curl and uncurl them within the depth of the opulent carpet. I'm denying him access to my face, and indirectly clues to the thoughts that might be reflected on my face. Let him work it out and understand where I am coming from without assistance. He deserves to struggle some.

"Bella, can't you even look at me now?" Edward asks his voice choked.

I shake my head, remorseful but not penitent. "That's not what this is about. I don't want to be looked at. There is a difference."

I hear movement, but don't lift my head. There is the sound of furniture being shifted.

"Please, love, can you at least get off the floor. Come sit with me. I won't touch you if you don't want me to."

I turn my head against my knee to look at him. He's crouched beside me, hands out beseechingly. I don't want to hurt him, and all of the fight drains out of me as suddenly as it started.

"I can't stand this distance between us. Please Bella."

It is interesting that he should be struggling with the distance when he was the one who left in the first place. Angry Bella rattles her chains briefly in the back of my mind, but I ignore the sound. Instead I stretch my arms out to him, and allow him to scoop me against his chest with hungry arms. He settles us on his sofa, which has been put back in place, and holds me on his lap.

It's not enough. I feel agitated and anxious. He's not close enough to me, and a shudder of need runs through me. If he's addicted to me, then I am equally addicted to him. I struggle for the words. How does an addict ask for their drug of choice?

"I need you closer, please. Can we lie down?"

Edward's dark eyes soften, and a look of adoration crosses his face as I confess my vulnerability. I'm trying my hardest to let my walls down a little for him, and the relief that this gives him is so palpable that it is almost a physical presence in the room.

"Anything for you, my love, anything."

Edward puts me gently down on the couch, and leaves briefly to retrieve a pillow and an afghan from the debris in the room.

With my head against the pillow I turn onto my side. Edward lies down behind me and presses himself against my back with his face in my hair and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I grab for his hands and twine his fingers with my own, pulling them so that lay between my breasts above my heart until we are moulded together from head to foot.

"Is that better, my heart?"

"Yes. I want to hear you voice, talk to me, please."

"What do you want me to talk about?" He sounds unsure; scared.

Oh Edward, what have we done to each other? My heart is breaking again. How did we let things become so broken between us? We used to be able to talk for hours or sit in silence. Both were easy for us. Now it feels like every second together is sharp and hard to survive, but it is harder to be apart. Being together means pain, but being apart means agony. So I welcome the pain.

"Tell me how it was after you left." He flinches against me, and I feel him shake his head with every muscle in his body rigid.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Neither do I, but we need to. I need to understand."

I want to tell him that it is going to hurt me to hear this. However he uses his eloquence and intelligence to express it, it will hurt, but we need to heal and we need to start somewhere.

Edward makes a strangled noise in his throat and pulls me tighter against the length of his body.

"I don't..."

"Please, Edward. I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

He shivers slightly, and takes a deep breath before speaking. "Since the first moment I saw you you've been the centre of my universe, the sun to my moon. When I left you it was like my world held its breath, and never took another, and I was suffocating without you."

I try to roll over because I want to see his face, but when I move Edward's arms clamp around me painfully.

"Bella, no!"

The one and only time that I have heard his voice so panicked was in the car driving away from the baseball field as we fled from James & Victoria.

"You promised."

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward; I just want to see your face."

I push against his restraining arms and he lets me turn to face him. His eyes are wide and fearful. Onyx pools of anguish so much darker even than before. I don't know any way to comfort him except through contract. So I cup his face in my hands, and hold his gaze, and listen as his breathing starts to slow as the panic diminishes.

"It was the same for me." I say, smoothing the hair from his forehead with a trembling hand.

"I know."

At least we both understand that much, so perhaps we have some common ground on which we can build.

"What happened later, when you spoke to Rosalie?"

There would be tears in his eyes now if he was able to cry.

"You are my, sun, earth and air, everything in my existence that gives me life and light. When Rosalie told me you were....."

His eyes screw shut and he tilts his head upwards, his face twisted with pain. "...._dead, _and that I was alone, my world stopped entirely. All meaning for me ceased, and I wanted to stop to because it hurt too much to contemplate going on."

"I'm not worth that." I say quietly.

"You are everything to me." He replies urgently, his now blazing eyes staring back at me. He grips my shoulders and shakes me; intense and angry. Angry at my denial of the validity of his choices.

"I thought you were dead, Bella. I can't live in a world where my heart doesn't exist."

I stare back at him, suddenly angry. What about his family, responsibilities. I'm not worth the end of his existence, and hadn't he expected me to go on for the same reasons without him? The injustice and his double standards seem glaringly obvious to me.

"You can't ask me to stay in a world when you're not there. To tell me that I can't follow were you go. You can't."

"Why not, you did." I remind him with angry spite, and watch him flinch.

I scrabbling for forgiveness in the next second, and throw myself against his chest distraught, clinging to him with all my strength.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I'm just scared."

"I'm scared too. Please, Bella, tell me how to fix this. What is it that you want? Whatever it is that you need, I want to be able to give it to you. You must know I would put the world at your feet if I could."

I'm on the edge of something again. My breath is coming in short, choppy gasps as my body responds to a stress induced adrenaline spike. It feels like I am fighting for survival, and yet I choose what feels like the path to destruction. Flying in the face of everything that my brain is screaming at me, I push on with questions; seeking the truth.

"Tell me why you left."

My heart and my head are at odds with each other again. My heart wants to beg him not to answer, because I'm not sure I can stand to hear the words. My head keeps asking questions.

"Why did you destroy what we had, and with it me? Why?"

I express myself with short, angry sentences because they eloquently illustrate how I am feeling just now.

There is no hesitation in his response. He means every word of it. He sees strength in his ability to love and still leave.

"Bella when I left, even though I was damning myself to an existence where love, light and all reason was gone; I thought I was doing what was best for you. I was trying to love you _more_ by letting you go."

I love you more. How many times have I heard that from him? I want to say how dare he say he loves me more? That every time he does it is like he is dismissing me, and what I feel for him as insignificant.As if I am a silly child who doesn't know any better. That is what I want to say, but perversely my lips remain tightly closed, as anger ices over my heart.

So as he waits for me to respond, I remain stoically silent. I wonder if my lack of a response confuses him because his voice has an uncertain quality to it when he eventually speaks.

"I love you, always and only you. You know that, don't you?"

I do actually. My heart should be a puddle of goo at this point, but, even though it thrills at the words automatically, I know that they are not enough to make a lasting difference. Love is not a resolution in itself. Our problems don't stem from a lack of love.

Trembling somewhere between icy calm and burning fury I press on with my questions. "And how did you think it would be for me?"

"I thought you would move on. In time, move on, forget....."

"You presumed to know me so well."

"No, it wasn't like that." A frown creases the smooth skin on his forehead.

"You presume too much, as usual."

""It was not like that, I thought what I was doing was for the best." Edward's frown deepens. He uses words that are slowly and carefully spoken, as though I am missing his point. In my opinion is _he_ is missing _my_ point.

"For who?"

"For you of course."

"Of course." I reply flatly. "If you wanted to do the best for me that day, you should have just killed me. Because every second since has been more painful for me than walking on broken glass."

"You don't mean that."

"No, Edward, no. You Don't get to say that!" I pull out of his arms, despite my earlier promise. "Don't you ever _presume_ to believe that that is anything but the total truth!"

"No, Bella, don't you ever say that. Your life is one of the only truly unselfish things that I have always wanted for you. Tried to preserve for you. Allow me that much selflessness at least."

"It might have been what you wanted for me, but it was never what I wanted for myself. I only ever wanted forever with you, but you never wanted that with me."

"I never wanted it for you Bella, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you."

"Semantics." I say angrily as I swing my legs to the floor and stand up.

Edward sits up and stares up at me with angry eyes, his expression stubborn. "You see me biting you as some sort of twisted Romeo and Juliet with a happy ending. You have no idea of the reality of what you desire so much."

There it is again, his superior disapproval of my heart's desire and with it his dismissal of me as though I am unforgivably lacking and limited in my ability to understand his world. His perception of my lacking leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a pain in my chest. A pain that makes me what to lash out at him.

"You love me more? Isn't that what you keep saying to me? You're a fool Edward. You don't see the truth. You might sneer at Romeo, but at least he stayed with Juliet at the end. You couldn't even manage to stay in the same country."

Edward's responds to my anger with anger of his own which growls out in his reply, "Why do you think I went to Volterra?"

"Because you couldn't deal with your guilt." I snap . "Because you were running away."

He looks shattered, and my anger withers when faced with his sudden vulnerability. "It was never because I don't love you Bella, how can I make you see that?"

"I know it was never about a lack of loving me, Edward, but the truth is that you have been trying to find a way to leave me since we first met. Jasper just gave you an excuse that you could live with." I say flatly, and he doesn't try to deny the accuracy of my statement.

That is what is so gut wrenchingly tragic about us. In all the ways that we fail, and all the ways that we hurt each other despite trying not to, it is never because of a lack of love. Perhaps it is because of too much love?

"How am I supposed to live with that knowledge, Edward? That you love me enough to leave me, but not enough to stay." My voice is pleading, because I am literally asking him to explain it to me.

"That's not what I mean Bella; I mean I love you enough to leave because I should leave if it is better for you. To keep you safe, to make you happy for any of those reasons, if it came to it, I should be able to leave. It's why I left in the first place. I thought I was doing what was best."

"If you loved me more Edward you would understand what it did to me when you left, and you would understand what it is doing to me waiting for you to leave again."

"I can't leave again." With his head bent down, and turned away from me I could barely hear what he is saying. And I hate it, I hate that he looks so defeated. That, despite his words, I can see written on his face how regretful he is that he's too weak to be able to leave me again.

We are back to square one, and I am again assailed with the deadening weight of fear that surrounds thoughts of him leaving. I won't survive it again. I make myself struggle on with more questions.

"Are you saying that you won't leave again or that you can't leave again," he looks so confused, but it seems blindly clear to me, "because those are two completely different statements."

I sound combative now, and he looks ready to argue, but his voice remains soft, and gently compelling.

"Didn't I explain myself properly? What else can I say to express to you that I couldn't leave you again? That, even if we hadn't gone to Italy; if circumstances had been different for us. Every hour that I was away from you I was losing the fight to stay away. I was coming back. If was _never_ a matter of if, only a matter of when."

"I thought so."

My voice is flat and tired, and he still doesn't understand the source of my pain, understand the way I see it. Because 'I can't' and 'I won't' in my mind are a world apart, their variant meanings are fundamentally core to my future well being and happiness. It means to me that given the right set of circumstances he could still leave. To protect me, or whatever, he could damn us both to hell with another parting.

"Tell me what to do, Bella! Tell me what to say to convince you, because I don't know anymore."

"Show me that you won't leave. Agree to turn me."

Say you want me forever. Take what I am offering. Save me frown drowning in this doubt and insecurity. _Want me the way I want you!_

"No, Bella, no! You have no idea what you asking for. None."

To me, the answer is simple, but for him it is impossible, and that is reflected in the ferocity of his answer, and the fracture that it causes in my heart.

"I do."

"You don't."

"I felt the burning when James bit me."

"That is a fraction of what you would feel. Three day of feeling like you are burning from the inside out, are you trying to say you are ready for that? Ready for eternally damnation?"

I don't believe that he is soulless, so the eternal damnation is meaningless to me. Of course I'm scared of the pain, but I'm more scared of dying and leaving him behind. So it is an opportunity cost. Three days cancelled out by life times together.

"I do." I state again with more determination.

"Ready to see Charlie and Renee as food first and you parents second?"

How could anyone be ready for that? But the point is that with time that too would pass. I could try to make reasonable agreements to explain my logic, but the stubborn set to his jaw stops me.

We have been down this conversational path so many times, and even now, with the Volturi's threat hanging over us he is still in denial.

I turn to face him again, ready to drive home my point, but the expression of irritation on his face frustrations me beyond reasonable limits and any thought of reasonable logic are washed away by my temper.

"You are just so sure you know me, aren't you, Edward!" I spit venomously storming up so close to him that our chest are actually touching. "So damn sure that you know what's best for me!"

Edward grabs me by the shoulders and holds me tight, making sure that I am looking straight his beautiful, furious face before he speaks again with voice as sharp as broken glass.

"And how would you feel if you didn't survive the change at all. Not everyone does. How about if you woke up and had none of your human memories intact. How do would you feel about that? How do you think _I feel about that?_ I could change you and lose you anyway. I could change you and kill you myself."

Some of the anger leaves his voice to be replaced by sadness, and his hands tighten around the tops of my arms briefly, before he gently pushes me away. Deliberately putting distance between us.

"You don't know enough to know what you are asking for. So I do know what's best for you in these circumstances because I've lived through it."

"And whose fault is that. " I press, determined that he for once understands my point.

"What do you mean?"

"Whose fault is it that I don't know 'enough'."

"If I've kept things from you..."

"There is no if about it!"

"It's been for you own good." Edward's tone is disapproving of my challenge, which only serves to make me more pugnacious.

"But of course! Edward's stock answer to everything. It was for fragile little Bella's good."

He's glares at me furious and I glare straight back.

"I get it, Edward, how you treat meet like a child instead of your equal with your whispered conversation and withheld answers. I get it!"

"You aren't my equal, Bella, that's the point."

The hurt widening of my eyes at this statement is enough to have him raking his hands through his already dishevelled hair in frustration. "Jesus, Bella that isn't what I meant."

It may not be what he meant, but it still stung, but regardless of the rattling of my insecurities, I reach for the strength I feel with my anger and cling to that instead of doubts. I know I'm not his physical equal. That much is obvious, but I could be, and that is my point. And I should be his equal in other ways.

"That is beside the point, whatever you mean. I should be treated as an equal intellectually at the very least. Be consulted and considered on matters that concern us both, but you just don't accept that. It easier for you to treat me like some sort of deluded love struck child."

"You're wrong, Bella."

"I'm not deluded, Edward, so please don't speak to me as if I am. You are the deluded one if you don't realise how most of your behaviour when you are keeping things from poor little me is for your own good as well as mine."

Edward straightens up, and I hear his teeth come together with an audible click. When he speaks next it is with icy control and through clenched teeth.

"Would you care to explain that further because, frankly you aren't making much sense."

He couldn't sound more like someone from the turn of the century if he tried, and part of me wants to yell at him to pull the pole out of his backside and speak to me like a normal person. But I don't, because I have an important point to make here, even if he wants to deny it.

"Why of course Mr Cullen, I would be more than _pleased_ to explain my point to you. You call it being protective of _me_ but you are being just of as protective of _you_. Information is power, Edward and you withhold stuff from me because you don't trust how I will react to that knowledge."

"Bella."

"No, let me finish, Edward. No matter how much you might still be waiting for it, or how much you feel you need to keep stuff from me to avoid it, I am not going to run away screaming from you. Ever. So get over it, and get over yourself at the same time. IF I'm not informed enough to make a decision about being turned, it is your fault, not mine."

The sofa is suddenly airborne and bounces off the already cracked window as he vents his formidable temper on the furniture.

"This subject is closed, Bella, and that is my final word on the matter." With his arms crossed over his chest and eyes furious Edward has never looked more like a vampire or a petulant child, ever, but it doesn't really occur to me that I probably look no different.

"You arrogant, presumptive, over protective vampire." I yell at him through water logged eyes, as two fat tears race down my cheeks.

"Bella, I'm sorry...." Edward moves to hold me his expression suddenly contrite, but I'm not having that.

"Don't touch me!" Fear shivers down my spine, and I am sure reflects on my face as I start to back away from him towards the door.

"You're scared of me?" Edward's voice is horrified.

"You know, for someone who is so intelligent, you're an idiot sometimes Edward."

I am scared, but never of him, only of what he can do to us. It is that fear that is setting up home in my heart and slowly growing like a festering wound. Poisonous and insidiously potent, it has influence over my emotions.

In the middle of the destroyed remnants of the possession that mark the passing of his extended life, Edward's arms snake out and grab for me, and I ready myself to demand that he lets me go, but a curious thing happens. Despite my attempt at retreat I find myself frozen as we watch each other. Despite being locked together in the middle of a fruitless argument in which neither side can find an accord, for one second I find peace in the simplicity of just drowning in the depth of his too dark eyes. I understand this feeling better than the angry words or hurt accusations, because it offers the connection that we both endlessly crave despite the turbulence of the context in which it is achieved.

I want this moment of perfect stillness in the middle of the chaos and pain that is us. I want it more than breath, and I snatch for it with all the greediness that my impetuous heart demands.

Our lips slam together in a timeless dance of man and woman we are joined. For once he doesn't deny me my demands, and his lips move with mine with equal desire and force. We our outside of ourselves and the hurt and the pain, but connected in the most pure and visceral sense at the same time.

I drown in the sensation willingly for endless electrifying seconds. Then it is over, because I am in control now, and it is my turn to bolt from the scene of the crime, and bolt I do like the coward that I am.

Out of the door ignoring Edward's panicked yell of "Bella!"

Thankful that I am for once graced with the speed and agility of a gazelle I sail down the sweeping staircase past Esme whose lips utter my name silently, her pale face riddled with worry.

Past Alice and Jasper, who are standing at the foot of the stairs as though waiting for something to happen?

.

Moving forwards, out of the glass door to escape from the elegant white building and the stifling emotion that are wrapped up inside it. Over crunchy gravel that stings my bare feet. Across wet cold grass that sooths and burns them at the same time to collapse onto wooden steps. I halt my retreat within the confines of the gazebo that sits on the river bank marking the boundary where the cultivated gardens meet the water and the wilderness beyond.

Thoughts tumble out of me from all directions. Calamitously rioting around inside my head as I as I gasp out loud, hysterical breaths responding to the shot of adrenaline that my body has rushing through my blood stream.

Please, please let _him_ understand that I need to be alone right now.

Please let _them_ understand that I am sorry for what I said, but that I meant it at the same time.

Please let _him_ forgive me, love me and _fight_ for me. Fight for us.

I don't even know to whom I am begging, but I am begging. The eruption of my emotions ends with the word "Please!" Which I wail to the watery early morning sky before dissolving into tears once and for all.

****

Time passes without me being aware. The water in the river rushes past and the dawn sun tries to burn its ways through the low hanging grey clouds. Eventually I am all cried out, and come back to myself slowly. Feeling my brain reconnect with bits of my body one at a time as my tears subside and stop. Unconsciously I am mirroring Edward's earlier posture with my face tucked into my knees. I curl myself into a small ball against the cold as soft drizzle begins to fall across the emerging lush greenness of the garden. The sun and the clouds fight each other as the garden around me become slowly lighter with the passing minutes.

I am stuck I realise. Without transport and shoeless I am completely and utterly stranded. With my eyes turned stubbornly to the river, away from the house I await my fate. Unsure who out of the house full of vampires would venture across the lawn to make contact.

A jacket suddenly covers my cold shoulders, and I pull it around me grateful of the warmth. I push my chilled arms into the too longs selves and relax as the scent of Edward surrounds me again within the soft folds of his jacket. The planks of the gazebo step creak as someone lowers themselves down to sit beside me.

Emmet's large hand touches my knee softly, and I turn to look at him through red ringed eyes. His amber eyes track across my face for several seconds, before the hand on my knee tightens briefly and he grunts to himself as though verbally acknowledging what his eyes have seen.

"So, how are you doing little sis?"

"Peachy." I reply, wiping my hand across my nose, grimacing when it comes away damp and gross from my earlier breakdown.

Emmet produces a snowy white handkerchief from his pocket and offers it to me.

I looked at him. I'd never considered him as a handkerchief sort of a person. Emmet shrugs, with a smile saying, "Esme," in answer to my unspoken question.

Emmet put his meaty arm around my shoulder and squeezes gently.

"You look tired."

He's right I realise as I try to straighten my protesting muscles. Tired doesn't begin to explain the way I feel. I passed tired several hours ago. I could happily fall asleep right here.

"So you and Edward, huh?"

"Mmm." I reply noncommittally, with a snivel into the handkerchief.

"It's gotta suck." He says with another manly squeeze and a tug which brings my face into contact with his wide shoulder.

"You have no idea." I say with a more urgent snivel.

"I think I do." Emmet replies calmly, and I cringe with embarrassment. Damn vampire super hearing.

"Did you actually call him an idiot?"

I nod, and Emmet chuckles. "You're right, he is an idiot where you are concerned, an over protective and overbearing idiot, but he loves you." Fresh tears slide down my face and I know I am about to lose it again.

"Tell you what. How about we just sit here, and you let me do my big brother thing, and when you're ready I run you home before Charlie notices that the pigeon has flown the coop."

I laughed despite myself, but this too dissolves into a sob, which is followed quickly by another and then I am sobbing into his shoulder in earnest. I found out that morning that Emmet has a good set of shoulders to cry on.


	10. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I came I shouted and I run away, but with words and emotions stripped bare, the challenge ahead seems somewhat clearer to me. As emotional and exposed as I feel at the moment I still need to cauterise another wound today. Not because I am a latten masochist, as Emmett's expression seemed to be suggesting when I asked him to bring me here, but because I want to do this before my courage escapes me again.

So here we wait in silence at ground zero so to speak. With my bare feet exposed to the loamy soil into which I once tried to curl up and disappear, we stand in the moss covered, cathedral like bower of trees of my nightmares.

Here is where my youthful naiveté ended with that fateful walk with Edward, and where my plunge into oblivion began. I am drawing a line under this today. Here is where my recovery from that oblivion will begin. I choose growth instead of a steady decline, and this will be one place which will forever represent both endings and beginnings for me. It is this way, because I choose it to be so.

My decision.

Nobody else's.

Mine.

My confrontation with Edward was unplanned, raw and ugly in its way. Needful and damaging too, but there is a strange sense of freedom in the knowledge that I am at last willing to let my feelings free, and even more in my new belief that I want to make this work. I want my family and my life back.

I might be the poster child for conflicted emotions, as Jasper has pointed out more than once, but I know what I want. I have no idea how to get it, but that is a problem for another day.

So as Emmett hovers protectively at my side I stand here and let the pain of the memories crash over me again, through me and away. I absorb them into myself instead of fighting the truth. They are a part of me and with the acceptance comes a sort of healing. The trauma and memories of this area is exorcised until once again this place is a simple patch of trees at the end of a trail that starts outside Charlie's house. It has no hold over me, because I will not allow it, and it will not feature in my nightmares again.

I close my eyes briefly, and let out a long breath, before nodding my head silently.

"Thank you Emmett."

"For what?" I smile softly at him, amused by the confusion on his face.

"For everything." He is looking at me like I have grown two heads or something and this just amuses me more.

"I have _no idea_ what you mean, Bella, but it's great to see you smile again." He pulls me into a brotherly hug and I return the gesture with all the strength that I have.

"My big brother." I murmur half to myself, and his smile widens perceptively, deepening the dimples in his chin and brightening his honey amber eyes.

I ask Emmett the time and his answer astounds me. The conversation and confrontations that I was the centre of felt, to me, like they had taken mere minutes, and yet hours have apparently past.

A sharp pain hits my heart, because with my acknowledgement of the time that has passed, I realise that I miss him.

My addiction and abstinence. My hope and hopelessness. My Edward.

I try to shake off a sudden feeling of melancholy and exhaustion by focusing on the problem in hand, but the sensation of his absence lingers.

"So how are we going to do this?" I ask, unsure how to re-enter the house without the advantage of Alice's foresight or Edwards ability to read Charlie's mind.

I walk a little ahead of Emmett down the path towards the house pondering some options.

"It's getting late. Charlie is probably awake by now."

Looking back over my shoulder, I am confused to find that Emmett has not moved from where we were standing. In fact he is studying me with a fixed grin on his face, as he pushes the sleeves of his shirt up his arms and rolls the muscles of his shoulders.

"Emmett?" My eyes widen as the grin on his face gets even bigger.

"That's easy, Bella, we do it Emmett style."

"Emm-aahh!"

In half a second I am over his shoulder as we streak down the path towards the house as the tree blur into a mess of green in front of my eyes. There is the slightest of jolts and we are airborne and through my window.

My first opportunity to react is when my behind bounces twice against my mattress when Emmett drops me with a chuckle. The best I can manage is an oomph noise as I try to say Emmett's name.

"Bella?"

I freeze, horror struck. Charlie calls my name and the door handle starts to turn.

"Are you awake, Bells?"

My mouth opens in a horrified 'o' shape as I look between Emmett, the moving door handle and back to Emmett again.

Completely unfazed Emmett salutes me cheekily as his cell phone starts chirping in his pocket and is ignored. With a blur of movement I find myself sudden pushed flat on my back, Edward's jacket pulled off and the comforter dropped over my PJ clad form as Emmett dives back out the window leaving only a draft of air to mark his presence and the ghost of his laughter in the garden.

In what seems like the same second, Charlie dressed ready for work comes through my door carrying a cup of coffee in one had a plate of slightly burned toast and peanut butter in the other.

I push myself up on my elbows and try to marshal my face into a smile, conscience of the guilty flush creeping its way across my cheeks and down my throat.

"I'm up dad."

Charlie extends the coffee cup, and I take a hasty gulp then choke when the too hot liquid slides down my throat.

"Whoa, slow down there a bit."

"Sorry, I'm still half asleep."

Charlie studies my face for several seconds and I try my best not to squirm. Really I would make the worst criminal in the world.

"Right, I'm off to work. Give me a call if you need anything, but no other phone calls, do we understand each other?"

"Yes, _Dad, _I understand the terms of my solitary confinement."

"Just checking, because I could have sworn I head a cell phone ringing in here." Now I really do squirm.

"It must have been out in the garden, I mean street." Smooth Bella. I point to my open bedroom window. "You have my phone. It's down in the kitchen."

Charlie grunts in response. "I'll pick you up after work. I guess we must need groceries by now."

I nod eagerly. Grocery shopping in Forks is hardly entertainment, but any legitimate time out of this house is better than none.

"See you later Bells."

"Bye Dad."

I wait for the sound of the front door slamming and the cruiser' engine starting before I flop back against my pillows with a groan. My head hits a slight lump and I twist to sit shoving my hand under the pillow to search for the source.

What I find sends my heart flying as fast as a humming bird's wings.

****

I had had several activities in mind after I heard the cruiser driving away. Nothing complicated. A shower, some laundry to wash the mud and evidence of my night time excursion off my PJ's some pop tarts and another cup of coffee.

When Alice appeared at my window I don't know how many hours later, she finds me dressed in the same clothes that I wore last night, unwashed, and with a crumpled note in my hand. Positioned crossed legged on the floor under my IPOD doc, I am sitting like a pilgrim at the feet of a deity as music drifted beguiling around my room.

Alice studies me silently for several seconds while perched like an exotic bird on the cracked paint of my windowsill. I hand the note to her wordlessly when she holds out her hand. I know what she is reading as I have the words committed to heart.

_Bella_

_My love, to prove I am listening, a gift full of music because you said no words, and a phone for when you are ready to talk to me again._

_With all my unending love, Edward_

Alice's eyes sweep from my face to the iPhone that is currently docked and playing music on my night stand. When she turns back to me I look up at her with my heart in my eyes, and she smiles at me gently with complete understanding.

"He has quite a way with 'no words', doesn't he?"

"How?" I choke out a one word question because that is about the only response I can manage at the moment.

"Let's just say I like to shop early for Christmas. When he made the decision, I was able to assist. Or I should say _Jasper_ was able to assist."

They are still fighting because of me I realise and I feel my heart flip with guilt. The song playing changes into my lullaby and I swallow the lump building in my throat with difficultly.

"Jasper dropped it off while you were out in the garden." I nod mutely in response. I guess even one word answers are out of the question now too.

"Let it go, Bella, it's not doing any good keeping it all inside." Alice says softly.

One shuddering breath follows another, but I know this is a fight I am loosing. It is like she has flipped a switch inside me cancelling the slowly failing control that I have over my emotions.

Seconds later, I am inexplicably overcome with tears, and completely unable to verbalise what I want to say, except through strangle sobbing noises that sort of sound like words, and weird disjointed hand gestures. Wordlessly Alice brings her hand from behind her back and holds out Edward's Harvard hoody to me and I break down with a fresh wave of tears.

Her smile widens. Damn her, she saw this happening. A little warning might have been nice.

"Breathe, Bella, breathe." Alice coaches guiding me to sit on the side of my bed, while Edward's beautiful music continues to waft around my bedroom, and the tears keeping coming and coming in waves.

Alice climbs into the centre of my bed, and sits cross legged, pulling my head into her lap while she strokes my hair soothing. I curl around her, Edward's hoody clutched against my chest.

I wail out my feelings while she croons to me with a sing song voice. "Let it out, Bella, let it out. You'll feel better."

Beautiful little know-it-all, she's right. These are good tears, releasing a pressure that has been building up inside of me for days. It's almost a relief to be sobbing. The only problem is I can't seem to stop.

****

When my eyes drift open the shifting earlier afternoon sunlight coming in through my window marks that I have been asleep for several hours after last night's adventures caught up with me. I stretch with a sigh and sit up stiffly watching with fascination as Alice changes from an immobile statute to a fully animated bundle of energy in the blink of an eye.

"Good afternoon sleepy head. How do you feel?"

I turned to look at the iPhone which is still playing Edward's music and listen to the softy solemn melody of a piano concerto playing slow and melancholy. Is this how I am making him feel?

"How do you feel?" Alice repeats again, her head cocked to the side and her expression careful.

"LikeI am torturing an angel for my own amusement."

"Oh Bella."

"Furious, lonely, futile."

"I'm very sure Edward would say exactly the same thing. You're so alike it is scary sometimes."

I turn my face away from Alice, denying her words. I'm not like Edward. I'm the human that he loves too much to turn. The human who will never be his equal because of it. Stuck in the middle of a twisted fairytale, unable to progress and unable to live without the pain.

I start when Alice growls, and grabs my face, turning it so that I am looking straight into her eyes.

"You listen to me Isabella Marie Swan. I may not be a mind reader but I know what you are thinking. You are everything in the world to Edward, as he is to you. You are my best friend and my sister. You are worthy of everything that you deserve in the world and you will move past this painful time and be happy, together."

"You know this for sure?"

Her face softens, and I am pulled into a hug in a split second. "Even without seeing your futures I would say yes, because I won't let it be any other way, and you know I always get my own way."

I chuckle despite myself. "Nobody bets against Alice."

"Absolutely."

Still the self doubt lingers, and I speak it aloud in a small querulous voice, unashamedly trawling for further reassurances.

"But it hurts too much sometimes."

Alice's tiny hand runs through my hair. "I know Bella, but can you really say that a truly passionate love can be without effort or pain? It will be worth it in the end, I know it."

When she pulls back from me her smile is one of complete confidence.

"You need to be strong, and patient. You both have some lesson to learn." Alice lets me go and hops off my bed spryly. "Now let's talk about wardrobe options for today."

As suddenly as the emotional moment appeared it has passed, and we are like two (almost) normal girls. One excited and one reluctant talking about clothes.

I look down at my still muddy feet and dirty PJ bottoms with a grimace.

"Ugh."

"Exactly."

My eyes flick to my bed, as I realise that the same dirty feet have been between my previously clean sheets. Alice darts across the room and returns with some clothes in hand.

"Here, go shower, I'll sort out the bed."

"You're a goddess Alice."

I smile at the sound of her tickling laughter as I head out the door to the bathroom to greet what is left of the day with a more hygienic Bella.

****

A very late lunch follows curtsey of Alice and a restaurant in Port Angeles which I eat for Alice's benefit, since my appetite isn't really what it should be. When she seems satisfied with the less full plate and the yummy noises I make, we clear the kitchen and dispose of the evidence.

I make an aborted attempt to do some laundry because when I was half way through filling the washer, Alice decides to break some news to me. So instead rescuing my muddy pyjama bottoms from down the side of the washer were I dropped them after Alice's bomb shell, we end up in the lounge sitting in solemn silence. Well, Alice is silent, I for one have my heart in my mouth and it is beating fit to burst with fright because, at Alice's request, I have visitor.

When the door bell rings I actually jump where I am sitting. Then the trembling starts. I really don't think I'm ready for this, but ready or not here it comes anyway.

Alice folds herself down cross legged on the floor at my feet and then sighs softly. I regard her solemnly through lowered lashes, wishing that I had pulled my hair down from its messy pony tail so that it could cover my face. I feel like I need a shield of some sort to get through the next few minutes. The urge to bolt is very strong, but Alice sitting at me feet anchors me to the sofa, this room, and this moment in time.

Alice's hand is suddenly on my knee and I grab for it like it is a lifeline, twining our fingers together and holding tightly. When she speaks, her eyes are pleading.

"She's nervous. Can you do this?"

I nod my head jerkily, but I'm not honestly sure if I can do this. I don't want to be Angry Bella any more than I want to be Broken Bella, so I need to at least listen to what she has to say. I want to listen at least. Clinging tighter to Alice's hand, I take in and hold a deep breath. When I speak my eyes are fixed on Alice's.

"I'll try."

"Esme?" Alice calls softly.

In the periphery of my vision I see Esme enter through the doorway. Moving slowly she takes a few paces into the room before stopping halfway between the door and where we are sitting hesitatingly. Alice's eyes flick away from mine briefly and her fingers close around mine, gently squeezing.

Esme's soft voice is tentative when she speaks. She is as unsure of her welcome as I am, I realise.

"May I sit?"

Such a simple prosaic request. A regular social nicety between strangers, but I never wanted to be a stranger to this woman. She was going to my second mother. The loving, sane, dependable yin to Renee's erratic, needful but no less loving yang. The matriarch of my second family, my parental anchor, and she is asking me if she can take a seat like we've only just met.

I feel my heart fracture a little more. This situation is a mess, but I don't want to be angry anymore, and I don't want to fight. I just want to understand why. I deserve that much, surely? I lift my head and look at Esme for the first time through suddenly wet eyes. Despite my resolve to keep myself under control I begin to tremble harder than before.

"Oh, sweetheart." she whispers and a million emotions pass across her face as she stands stock still, waiting for me to give her permission to come closer.

Not trusting my voice to work without betraying the depth of my upset, I wave a hand towards Charlie's usual chair on the opposite side of the room with a slight nod, but Esme instead walks slowly towards the sofa and settles at the opposite end from me. I push myself further back into my corner of the sofa unconsciously distancing myself from Esme.

Alice moves with me. Turned so her back is leaning against the side my knees, she is angled slightly between Esme and me. Alice is shielding me, I realise, and my heart feels a little lighter for it. When she leans her head against our entwined hands I realise I _have_ to be able to do this.

"You left me." I say quietly.

Esme flinches as though in pain.

"Why?"

There is no anger in my voice, no accusation. I have chosen my words carefully; one statement of fact and one question. Four stark little words and an emotional gulf full of hurt and confusion as wide as ocean is open between us. I don't want to drown. I want her to explain why, and save us both from the water before I sink. I want my mother back.

She sighs softly, and seems to take a moment to collect her thoughts before speaking.

"When Edward came to Carlisle and said that we had to leave he was distraught. I have never seen him in so much pain. So much grief. It was like you had died, and he was alone in the world. Carlisle was desperate to do anything that might ease his suffering. It hurts to see your child in pain."

When she tries to reach out to touch my leg, I pull back. I don't want to be touched just now.

Esme is hurt by my rejection, and her voice is hurried and choppy when she continues to explain. Her eloquence dented.

"We made a mistake, Bella. We made a mistake when we left, but neither of us could stand to see Edward in such pain."

"What about me?" My voice is a strangled whisper.

"Bella, we were all that Edward had left since he didn't have you. You had Charlie and Renee. It was flawed logic, I know, but that was the reasoning behind it. I know what a mistake it was, and our family is paying for that mistake even now."

I nod my understanding. Edward had been their priority. Logically I can understand that somewhere inside, but the rejection still stings. I have my doubts that it will ever truly stop stinging, but at least I understand my situation in all of this. My position if you will.

A fat tear drop trembles on the edge of my eye lashes and then rolls slowly down my cheek, followed quickly by another. I understand, but it still hurts like a thousand knives.

"Everyone in our family brings something to the group. Alice and Edward are the eyes and ears. Jasper brings the insight and Emmett the energy. Rosalie is the.....tenacity." She laughs softly. "Carlisle gives us direction and he would say that I give him strength."

There is a movement beside me and before I have a chance to struggle, Esme is right in front of me and her hands are on my shoulders forcing me to face her eye to eye.

"And you are the most essential part of all, because you are what hold us all together. _I_ made a mistake when we left because _I_ left behind the heart of my family."

Esme suddenly wraps me up in a her lavender scented embrace and I sit stiffly within her arms, scared to move in case I completely lose it.

"I want the heart of my family back. If you will have us Bella. Please say you will have us."

The sobs that explode out of me come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. From deep in my gut they rattle my very bones as Esme pulls me tightly to her chest and croons to me wordlessly like a mother to a small child. When Alice drapes herself across my back and around as both I finally feel at home again as we all three rock together trying to heal.

I don't know how much time passes, but I can feel my heart healing with every tick of the clock above the fireplace. With every breath that we share we merge with familial solidarity; sister to sister and daughters to mother.

Esme eventually pulls back and Alice remains curled into my side. Her cool hands cup my face and she speaks directly into my eyes with a gentle but insistent force of feeling that is uniquely Esme.

"When my mother and father met they knew that they wanted to marry, but there were objections to the match. Problems regarding the relative financial status of their families."

She smiles softly her eyes distant, remember some past memory.

"The particulars don't matter. They came together happily in the end, but when they were forced to be apart and things seemed their bleakest, my father gave my mother a gift as a promise of their future together."

Esme's eyes look bleak for the briefest of seconds. "When I was to marry and was struggling at the thought of leaving my family behind, she gave it to me as a promise that they would always be there for me. That gift has always given me comfort at my worst times through both my life times."

Her hands move, and cool metal touches my skin beneath my collar bones as Esme fastens a chain around my neck.

An elegant silver locket is hanging from a fragile double stranded chain around my throat. Below the heart shape of the locket hangs a simple teardrop shaped pearl beautiful and timeless.

Esme traces the shape of the heart with gentle fingers and smiles at me, before taking my hand.

"As my father promised my mother, I want you to have this as a promise that you are the heart of this family and we will always be together. Regardless of what happens."

Accepting gifts has never been my forte, but I couldn't give this one back for the world. I will cherish this to the end of my days. Too choked for words, I nod once simply, and Esme's answering smile lights her up from the inside out.

"You are my most precious youngest daughter and the holder of my first son heart."

Alice is suddenly up and moving around the tiny room like force of nature, hands clapping gleefully together.

"And I just saw the perfect pair of earrings from Cartier to go with it!"

Esme chuckles softly beside me and I willingly allow her to pull me back into the healing comfort of her arms.

I have no idea who or what Cartier is, but I am sure that it will be expensive. But over excited pixies with shopping additions can't faze me right now. I doubt much could. I am too comfortable to care. I have begun my journey home, and nothing has felt as right as this moment in a very long time.


	11. Chapter 12

_Author Note_

_My apologies first for the too long author's note which is primarily to say sorry for taking so long to update and various thanks. Please hold on, the chapter comes after all of my verbosity, honest!_

_Thanks to Cooper33 and irodriguez who PM'd me to get my too busy behind into action. _

_Thanks also to the people who suggested starting a post for this story over in the forum. I've got to be honest, doing that had never occurred to me, but if there is an interest in it I will think about it._

_Also thanks to the several people who have requested Edward's point of view. I have been playing with this a little, and may post it if I can pull it together into a much better state than it is in at the moment._

_Thank you to everyone who left reviews, and to everybody who is still reading despite how slowly I update. For those of you who are interested there is another note giving details of the music discussed in this chapter. If you prefer to imagine your own songs, then just skip the second author's note and job done._

_This is not a song fic, so I didn't want to spend ages going over the different songs through the dialogue. Better to leave it open to a readers interruption. However, one needs to be detailed in my opinion. So, the song that Bella listens to and thinks about is Lifehouse 'Storm'. All songs and lyrics belong to their respective owners, no infringement is intended._

_This chapter is about 1/3 of a monster update that I have nearly finished, but rather than have you wait I decided to post it as 2, possibly 3 chapters. The next one should follow reasonably quickly after this one._

Chapter 12

The afternoon drifts away from me. Filled with quiet conversation and female bonding. Comfortable and achingly familiar, it feels right to have this connection with Esme back.

Unconsciously my hand keeps drifting to the locket hanging around my neck to play with the warm, age smoothed metal with my fingers. I catch myself doing it several times, and each time find Esme smiling at me with a softness in her eyes that makes me feel warm from the inside out. If it wasn't for my ache for Edward, I could almost say I feel content.

In seems like no time at all before Esme rises to leave. Though never actually said, I have the impression that being in the house against Charlie's decree of no visitors makes her uncomfortable. She departs with a lavender scented hug and promises to 'work on' Charlie for me. Alice being Alice has no such scruples. I am grateful because I have no interest in being left in the house on my own again.

We go back to my room. Alice settles herself cross-legged on my bed while I drift around finding it difficult to stay in one place. Trying to be productive I begin to tidy up. Folding clothes into drawers that are already folded and wiping surfaces clear of invisible dust. It is all fruitless busy work to distract myself from the thoughts that keep popping up despite my best efforts.

I leave Edward's music playing in the background. It is a connection to him that I very much need. The sound of his piano playing is so beautify evocative of him that it is breaking my heart as it fills the room with a sorrowful vibe. It speaks to the ache in my chest in strange, painful ways, but I can't make myself sever the connection.

Alice continues to sit silent and patient and the minutes drag by heavy with intention, but without purpose. Running out of things to procrastinate with, I join her on the bed and sit down with a heavy sigh. The clock confirms that Charlie will be here soon, and I still haven't made up my mind. I know what I want, but I don't know if I should want what I want at this point. Besides, I'm out of time anyway. I sigh again, and Alice smiles softly.

"You don't have to reply if you don't want to."

Alice's melodious voice interrupts my ongoing argument with myself and jars the vocal silence in the room. It makes me jump as my breath to hitches in surprise.

Of course that's the problem, I do want to send a reply, and in person. So much that I am tempted to call him to my side right now; Charlie be damned. The urge is only just under control.

I groan and Alice smiles again, before settling once again into tolerant silence as though we have all the time in the world. Her patience is admirable, but the clock on my bedside table marks the passing of the minutes showing that she will have to leave soon. The iPhone shines temptingly in the doc, and my stomach clenches with anxiety. I can't believe I am going to do this.

"I want to see him." My voice stops only a little way short of trembling.

"So call him. " Alice replies softly.

"It feels wrong. Crap, why does this have to be so _God Damn CONFUSING!" _ I wail with a sudden spike of temper.

Alice pats my hand soothingly, her expression compassionate and unconfused.

"Please translate this for me, Alice, because I'm tying myself up in knots trying to understand myself at the moment!"

"Sure. What language would like?" Alice laughs.

"Very amusing. English please."

"You want to see Edward, but you feel like it would disrespect Charlie, and you are scared to see Edward. Is that about it?" There is no question in her tone.

"Yes and no all at the same time."

"So don't see Edward."

"What? No!"

"Calm Bella, calm. Take a breath please."

Alice's hands on my shoulder are cold, but soothing at the same time. I slump back onto the bed breathing too rapidly.

Exhausted. It's the only word that fits the way I feel just now, and yet it doesn't even scratch the surface of it. Physically I am tired from too little sleep broken with vivid dreams and the dread of the unknown. Conflicted and confused, I endless ache for him, and it is my fault. My current state is a perfectly crafted punishment of my own making; his absence.

I hear the sound of the cruiser in the drive and turn to the window feeling hunted, and out of balance. Alice, perfectly calm, has not shifted one inch from her perch on the bed. Peacefully smiling she continues to wait for me to catch up with the page that I am sure she has been on for a while. It's a shame that I appear to be emotionally illiterate at the moment, otherwise I might be able to understand what she is waiting for me to figure out on my own. Instead I am adrift, and swimming rapidly towards blind panic.

I jump upright with one jerky movement and stumble over to snatch the iPhone from the doc, silencing Edward's musical conversation so abruptly that my heart jars in my chest. I look beseechingly to Alice, asking with my eyes for the help that I know she has to give as I hurriedly hide the phone in a drawer.

"Alice, please!"

Seraphic in her bountifulness she rolls her eyes at me. Bringing her hand from her pocket she moves fluidly to where I stand, and plugs my well loved and battle weary IPod into the doc. A confident flick of her fingers sends familiar music playing around my room as the cruiser's engines stops and a car door slams shut outside.

"Of course, a reply doesn't have to involve words." Alice's soft voice interrupts the thought that is coming alive in my too slow human mind.

Songs. A response in kind. A second string to the musical conversation that Edward started. My reply to his attempt to connect after too many angry words.

Alice's eyes drift shut momentarily as she catches my decision, and her lips twitch with the hint of a wry smile and a slight wince. I can guess why, angry Bella took her turn with a suggestion for the selection.

"You're sure? In that order?"

I nod my head with a jerky movement, out of breath all of a sudden. The front door slams loudly downstairs and I sink to the floor on suddenly weak legs as Alice stands and moves slowly to the window. I want her to take me with her so much it hurts.

Alice's hand brushes through my hair and I grab it, trying to ground myself again, then she wraps me up in a hug as I sit on the floor.

"I'll be back later. Spend some time with Charlie, you both need it."

Then with a kiss against my head she is gone, and I am alone with my own music.

Of course Alice knew all along. The song she set playing has always haunted me since he left. It reminds me of standing on the top of the cliff at First Beach willing my illusionary Edward to be real, desperate for him to see me if only to chastise me, and save me from myself. For him to show that I was something he found worth of saving, even if, as I believed at the time, he no longer loved me.

The lyrics suddenly melt into the part of the song that is so bitter sweet in its personal truths to be unbearable at times; drifting its melodic veracity around my small, otherwise silent room. Timelessly holding my attention.

The words woven through the heart-rending melody so encompasses what I was feeling at that moment that it, of all the songs I selected, feels the most important. Part of me is glad that I am sharing this with Edward finally, but it is still curious to me how another person's words and voice can communicate those dark, empty months better than I can for myself. So simply explaining how if, during that time, I had just been able to see him it would have set everything right. Seeing him would have been enough for me. Pathetic I know, but still true.

So I use another person's, music and voice to try to explain myself to Edward without actual words of my own. Sending my message out to him for Alice to pass on to her less than favourite brother on my anxious behalf. It is a tenuous, tiny step towards real communication. As in the woods this morning, I feel better for trying to move forward again, however incrementally.

The next song starts and I jump when Charlie coughs loudly to announce his presence in my doorway. I watch him look from my frozen face to the IPOD on my dresser and back again. I am guiltily grateful that it is my old IPOD on display, not Edward's gift. I can only hope that he doesn't notice that I look as shifty as I feel.

If he does, he doesn't comment on it. Instead a small, tight smile pulls up the corner of his lips and crinkles the skin around his eyes.

"It's good to hear you playing music again, kid." He says in a suspiciously choked voice.

I stare at him stupidly. I never give him enough credit for how much about that dark time he observed and stored for further consideration. I guess my music purge must have been noticed.

"Dad, I.."

A swell of protective love rises up in me for him. I should have tried harder to protect him from my pain.

"Bells, I..." Charlie fidgets nervously under the weight of the atmosphere that is suddenly hanging over us. ".......Ready to go shopping?"

"Sure." I say, pulling myself to stand. Charlie makes a general sort of hand gesture towards me.

"See you down stairs in 5 minutes?"

"Yes."

He nods and leaves closing the door behind him. Once again, normal Charlie and Bella service is resumed.

****

Standing in Charlie's small kitchen surrounded by shopping, I methodically sort items out of the brown bags and put them away feeling strangely soothed by the mundane-ness of the task. The intensity of the past week has left me with a craving for some normality in any form, and nothing could be more relievingly boring than grocery shopping. Taxing decisions such as chicken or steak, Cheerios or Granola were acts of benign distract from my many and varied problems as Charlie trailed silently behind me in charge of the trolley.

Strangely, while my mind was distracted with domestic concerns, a realisation occurred to me while we were standing in the dairy isle looking at cheese of all things. It was there that it came to me. Wasn't the root of many of my problems a lack of understanding about how and where I am heading? Broken down into its most rudimentary elements, could it be that simple – solutions through exploration?

I don't understand Edward's decisions or behaviour. I couldn't conceive of anything that would make me be able to leave him, so how could I understand how or why he would leave me? Obviously this is a huge under simplification of everything that has gone wrong between us, but I can see that it could also be the cause of future problems. It could never be just _that _simple, but could it be the start of another tiny step in the right direction?

I kept turning this thought over and over in my head while we finished the shopping and returned to the house, and it continues to plague me now. Like the dripping of a tap or a creaking door, the thought keeps niggling at me.

The sound of the football game starting on the TV makes me look at the kitchen clock. It's getting surprisingly late and I still haven't started dinner. Charlie had been in a good mood while we shopped so feeding him one of his favourites could only improve on that. I think Alice was right, we both gained from having sometime away from the house and the scene of my parental imprisonment. It was kind of nice to see Charlie being Charlie instead of Chief Swan, parental unit.

When the door bell rings I am perusing the fridge while thinking about what to make for dinner. I hear Charlie heave himself out of his chair and head to answer the door grumbling under his breath.

"Charlie! It's so good to see you." Alice's infectiously energetic voice comes from the door.

Wow. In all the ways that I thought Alice might try to storm Fortress Charlie, I never thought she would try through the front door first. But then, don't they say that the simplest methods are often the most effective?

"Alice, hey, hun." Charlie lapses into an awkward silence. "So – eh, how are you?"

I can imagine the chagrin on his face. I know exactly what she's doing, bless her meddling designer socks. Charlie might ban me from having visitors, but he can't ban visitors from coming to the door. Question is, can he stop her from getting across the threshold? Charlie maybe my Dad, but I'm not betting on the home team in this game.

"What, don't I get a hug?"

Standing in the door of the kitchen I see Alice deposit a box and her bag onto the hall table before launching herself into Charlie's arms with a happy squeal, and Charlie hugs her back uncomfortably with a bemused smile on his face. And the five foot nothing vampire dynamo has breached Charlie's first line of defences and is through the door and advancing.

Alice 1 Charlie 0

"Alice, look, Bella…"

"I missed you two." She trills before grabbing the box from the table and thrusting it into Charlie's hands. "This is from Esme. Where is Bella?"

As if she doesn't already know. I have to stop myself from making a snorting sound out loud.

Alice's pixie force of nature act continues at full throttle as she dances down the hall towards me and flings herself into my arms, with a squeal of "Bella! I've missed you most of all."

Alice 2 Charlie 0.

Passed the perimeter and over the battlements she's advancing to Charlie's HQ and command post!

Alice dances us both into the kitchen and pulls me down to sit at the kitchen table so close together that we are almost in each other's laps. With our hands clasped together conspicuously on the table top she is a doing a BFF act that would make Hannah Montana weep.

Charlie follows slowly behind his opponent carrying the box which he deposits on the counter before turning to us with a slightly bemused expression. If I had to label it, I would say he looked confused but resolute.

Alice beams brightly at him, eyes wide, innocent, and earnest. From the moment she crossed the doorstep Charlie lost the battle. I know it, Alice knows it, but apparently he doesn't know it yet, as he stalwartly tries to deflect Alice's home invasion as politely as possible.

"Alice honey, I know you missed Bella, but Bella isn't supposed to be having any visitors as part of her punishment." Charlie tries to explain patiently.

Alice's smile doesn't falter as she tips her head to the side and widens her eyes all for Charlie's benefit. This is dazzling, Alice style.

"Oh, I know, but I'm more than just a visitor, aren't I?" Alice's voice has just enough hint of doubt at the end of it to have Charlie shifting uncomfortably on the spot. When she looks down at the table dejectedly, Charlie does at 360 and hurries to pat her shoulder placating.

Alice 3 Charlie 0

"No, no Alice, of course you are more than just any visitor. You're welcome anytime. You know that, sweetie."

Triumphant she beams sweetly at him again, and sing-songs, "I knew you wouldn't punish me because my brother is an idiot."

Charlie, damn him, actually smirks.

I try giving Alice the stink eye, but she ignores my blithely, and changes the topic of conversation by retrieving the box and sliding it towards me across the table. I open the lid to find several glass dishes filled with food.

"From Esme; Lasagne and a casserole. She thought Bella might want a night off, since we have so much homework and all." Alice chirps.

"Emm, say thanks from me please." I wave the dish containing casserole at Charlie and he nods, sniffing appreciatively, as I turn my back on Alice and her little circus of tricks and concentrate instead on turning the oven on to warm it through. I consider cooking some vegetables to go with it, but instead opt for some crusty bread that we bought today and pull that out onto the surface for later.

"Homework?" Charlie asks. "I think we have all of Bella's assignments from Jessica already, Alice."

"Oh yes, but we just had a history assignment allocated today. Bella and I are partners, so I wanted to get a head start on the research. I like to keep my grades up."

"So you're enrolled back in school then?" Charlie queries with a frown.

"Yes. Carlisle didn't want the move to interrupt our education more than it had too." Alice replies positively radiating Little Miss Sunshine vibes despite Charlie's grump at the news. "We started back this morning."

Wait, research? The penny drops suddenly. Right; 'Research'. I roll my eyes at her behind Charlie's back and she smiles serenely in return.

"I brought a laptop with me for Bella. I've already bookmarked a few websites for Bella to take a look at."

I pour myself a glass of water, and mutter over the rim. "You're nothing if not efficient."

"Thank you, well you know the Edwardians are a very large subject matter to cover in a short period of time." The spluttering noise I make when the water I am drinking goes down entirely the wrong pipe has Charlie thumping me on the back.

"Are you alright, Bells?"

"Well, Alice, Bella wasn't really supposed to be using the internet." Alice pouts subtly. "But since it is for homework, I supposed that's okay."

Game, set and match Alice Cullen, hands down.

"Can you stay for dinner, Alice?" Charlie asks while retrieving a beer from the fridge and unconsciously surrendering to Alice and her charm offensive100%.

"No, sorry. I have get home soon. Curfew, you know, thank you _very_ much Edward." She rolls her eyes again, and Charlie smirks smugly in approval of her candour.

"I have just enough time to go over the assignment with Bella before I have to fly." She replies. "So we should go get started, if that's okay?"

"Sure, you two go ahead." Charlie replies, his attention already wandering back towards the living room and his football game.

With our hands linked again, Alice pops to her feet, and with a peck on Charlie's cheek, she dances her way her way back down the hall and up the stairs pulling me anything but daintily along behind.

"And that," Alice says as she shuts my bedroom door behind us, "is how to manage men."

What can I say to that? The master at work. She curtsies with a giggle as I applaud her silently in return, but my humour is forced. Back within the boundaries of my room the reality of her rapid return lands on me with the force of a sucker punch. I know she has returned early for a reason and the ache in my chest doubles in intensity as I wait for her to give me Edwards reply.

She holds the laptop back out to me silently, I feel myself breathe deeply in relief as the slight weight of it passes firmly, and tangibly into my hands.

_Another Author Note_

_**Bella's Music to Edward**_

_No Air – Jordan Sparks___

_Need - Hannah Pestle_

_**Comatose – Skillet**_

_The Kill - __30 Seconds To Mars (this is the one that causes Alice to wince)_

_She Don't Want The World – 3 Doors Down_

_Storm – Lifehouse (this is the one that Bella talks in the chapter)._

_**When Alice refers to what "order" Bella wants them in, it is in the order given above.**_

_**Edward's Music to Bella – **_

_Nocturne in C minor – Chopin_

_L'absente – Yann Tierson_

_Un Sospiro – Liszt_

_Étude Op. 10 No. 3 - Chopin_

_Gnossienne No.1 – Satie_

_Nocturne Op.9 No.1 in B Flat Minor - Chopin_

_Bella's Lullaby (for me this is the River Flows in You by Yiruma, but the one on the film soundtrack is also pretty)._

_What can I say, Edward seems to Chopin._

_**You should be able to find all of these on Youtube if you are interested.**_


	12. Chapter 13

_I know that it is not New Years yet, but I have been making a few resolutions. I will try my level best to updating more regularly The aim is to update more frequently with shorter chapters instead of every couple of months with very large chapters._

_Of course, as ever, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave reviews. My other new good habit (a part from updating more regularly) is to try to leave responses to reviews. Wish me luck!_

_I have started to work with the fabulous people at Project Team Beta both as an author and a Beta. Here's to my error rate rapidly improving. That said, I am 13 chapters behind myself and PTB accept one chapter at a time. I do intended to update, and perhaps rewrite earlier chapters depending on the feedback from PTB, and also some feedback I have had from reviews in the past._

_There is an author's note at the end with details of Edward's additional music. Once again, if you would rather imagine your own music selection, please skip the author's note._

_Disclaimer – all poetry and songs used in this chapter belong to their respective owners, and _

_are acknowledge within the text. No infringement is intended._

_Thank you always to the Betas for the story; Helena_handbasket and Admittedlyobsessed._

**Chapter 13**

When my fumbling hands can't get the laptop bag open fast enough, Alice takes over. She lays the ultra thin machine down beside my ancient PC where it seems to sneer at the yellowing with age monitor with all its shiny technological magnificence.

A few clicks and the machine comes to life nearly silently. Alice indicates that I need to look at iTunes as she plugs the iPhone into synchronise then replaces it inside the drawer in which it was originally hidden.

I click into iTunes and open a playlist entitled simply "for Bella" and a new selection of music from Edward starts to play. She points at the email icon which has already been set up for me, then withdraws to my bed to let me read what he has sent me.

There is one email, but instead of typed text it contains an attachment which I open to reveal a scanned, handwritten letter in Edward's elegant script.

"I know. " Alice snorts. "He couldn't just give me a letter to return to you." I turn to see her roll her eyes. "Ever with the flair for dramatics. How very _Edward_."

"Alice." I mutter quietly, and she falls silent again with a huffing noise.

I touch the screen with a shaky hand, tracing the spiralling pen strokes that he used to form my name.

_**Darling Bella,**_

_**these are not my words, since I do not have your acquiescence to speak for myself yet, but the sentiment within them is no less true because they came from the pen of another. Until you are ready to speak to me again, my love, I am at your feet waiting.**_

_**Edward**_

_**We, unaccustomed to courage  
exiles from delight  
live coiled in shells of loneliness  
until love leaves its high holy temple  
and comes into our sight  
to liberate us into life.**_

Love arrives  
and in its train come ecstasies  
old memories of pleasure  
ancient histories of pain.  
Yet if we are bold,  
love strikes away the chains of fear  
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity  
In the flush of love's light  
we dare be brave  
And suddenly we see  
that love costs all we are  
and will ever be.  
Yet it is only love  
which sets us free.__

_(Touched by an Angel - Maya Angelou)_

My eyes mist with tears. Such beautiful words, but they make me feel small and unworthy somehow.

_**Ps, Please thank Alice for the additional songs. Her message came across more than loud and clear.**_

"Alice, please tell me that you didn't edit the songs I asked you to take to him?"

"I didn't edit your list; I included two lists. One clearly from me and one from you."

As if that makes it any better!

"And the songs you included?" I ask sternly.

"'Stupid Boy', by Keith Urban. Edward hates country music so that one was a must on genre and song title alone, and 'Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man' by Sheryl Crow among others. He got my drift pretty quickly."

"Alice, how is this helping?" I ask rhetorically, rubbing a suddenly tired hand over my eyes. "And the 'Edwardian's Alice? Seriously!"

Alice pulls a tragic face for my benefit, and despite myself I laugh at her guilty little pout.

"No more." I point to her, and she pouts again, before grimacing.

"Fine."

"You need to take your laptop back too."

"It's not mine to take back."

Alice moves over to my cupboard and starts pulling out clothes absently. She holds up a faded t-shirt like it smells offensive to her before shoving it back into the back of a drawer. Turning back to my bed with a pair of pyjamas in her hand, she lays them down on the duvet.

"We really need to go shopping sooner rather than later, Bella, your clothes are in an even worse state then when I first met you."

I'm not stupid - tired and rather frazzled - but not stupid. She's trying to change the subject.

"Alice, focus, what do you mean it's not 'yours to return'?"

"It's belongs to you, from Edward, to go with your phone. Because of course the fact that you can get email on the phone wasn't enough for him."

Alice comes over to where I am sitting and half closes the lid of the laptop, indicating the icon on the lid. "Macbook Air, Apple iPhone. See."

Horrified, I push it away from me like it might bite me, hissing at the likely price of the two unnecessary toys.

"Bella, stop it right now." She chides sliding the computer back towards me. "I've gone to the trouble of bookmarking several sites for your Edward research, and no, Edward doesn't know anything about that at all."

The inequality that always seems to sit between us rears its head again within me, as I look at the computer again with a twisting stomach.

"Stop it, Bella. Sometimes accepting gifts is as much about the pleasure it gives the giver as much as the receiver. Have you stopped to think that maybe Edward needs to give you things? That it satisfies a need within him to provide for you?"

I look at her with wide eyes, unsure how to take the rebuke in her tone. Her face softens noticeably when I ask, "why?"

Alice's arm comes around my shoulders, and squeezes gently. "The money that these cost means nothing to Edward, the opportunity they present in terms of a means of communication is, however, priceless to him. Accept them, please. Sending them back will only hurt him."

I turn over the meaning of Alice's words for several minutes. This is about more than making me feel better. I argue with myself while forcing down the taste of bile in my throat. I like that I can provide something to _him_ for once.

"Bella, honey, I think the casserole is ready. Are you almost finished with Alice?" Charlie hollers from the bottom of the stairs.

I look up at Alice with uncertain eyes. "You have to go?"

"It's for the best; I'll be back later after Charlie's asleep. Go eat, try to get some sleep."

In a hurry now, my voice reflects my stress. "Can you take something for me, please?"

I reach for a well read copy of Jane Eyre from the stack of books collecting dust under my bed, and flick through it absently until I find the page I am look for. The dog-eared book seems rather pathetic besides the shiny technology that Edward so easily provides, but it is the words that are within the well loved covers that are most important. I point to a paragraph and Alice nods holding her hand out for the book.

"No, wait."

"Bella!" Charlie chases from the bottom of the stairs.

"I'll be right there, Charlie." Harassed, I scribble down the words onto a piece of lined paper in untidy writing before folding the paper into the book and handing them both to Alice.

_**I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you-especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.**_

_(Jane Eyre __- Charlotte Bronte, Chapter 21)_

"Give him both, it will mean more, I think."

They might be Rochester's words to Jane, but the sentiment when applied to myself is certainly true. He left and all I have done until we collided in the alley in Volterra is bleed internally.

"Yes, it will." Alice replies, tucking the book and note inside her jacket carefully.

Thinking about something else, I quickly pull Edward's Harvard hoody off over my head and hand it to Alice, mourning the loss of it as it passes into her hands.

"You want me to give him back his own clothes?"

"No, I want you to give it to Jasper. It has my scent all over it. I've been wearing it a lot. Perhaps it might help Jasper desensitize himself to me as Edward managed to." I shrug; perhaps it is a lame idea too. Suddenly I want the hoody back.

"I think you could be right." She smiles a quick bright smile. "Thank you, Bella. Don't worry, I'll raid Edward's wardrobe for you again and bring another back for you."

An image of his blue, button down shirt flashes through my mind, and I imagine myself sleeping wrapped up in his scent and she nods. "Consider it done."

Something else occurs to me, but I am more reluctant to offer this item. "Alice, wait. Give me that back, and the book." She hands me both items back with a quizzical expression on her small face.

I lay the hoody out flat on my bed. Kiss the cover of the book and then place it inside the garment before carefully wrapping it around the book.

"I have something else for Jasper. Can you please give these both to Edward?"

I blush when she looks at me speculatively. I want Edward to have my scent, as well as my words.

Moving reluctantly slowly toward my wardrobe, I dig deep into the back of it to find what I am looking for, and pull out a plastic bag which is tied tightly closed and holds the shirt I was wearing on the night of my 18 birthday. I never got around to washing it before falling into the abyss following Edward's departure, and a rather melancholy part of me has been unable to dispose of it since.

Of course, with her perfect recall she recognises the bag. As I hold it out to her she looks conflicted.

"It's from that night. I never...... well it was put into the cupboard and has been there ever since. The scent on it will be more potent, won't it?"

"Yes."

"If you think it will be too much for Jasper, or if it will act like a hurtful reminder, please don't take it. I'm just hopeful that maybe something good might come out of that night. If it helps Jasper be around me." I blush again "I'm kind enjoying spending time with him, you know?"

We part at the front door. Alice to return to the Cullen's home, and me to sit in front of the TV with Charlie while trying to pretend that Esme's delicious stew isn't going to taste any better than sawdust to my nonexistent appetite.

While I am moving food around on my plate, trying to make it look like I have eaten something, the subject of Jacob comes up during the commercials. Charlie volunteers a throw away comment about me not hearing from Jake, and I offer a noncommittal sigh in reply.

On my plate load of problems, Jacob isn't one that I have been able to contemplate dealing with yet, but Charlie bringing up the subject jars my guilt into unhappy life.

With it comes stark visuals. The way he looked when I left. His pleading words. The fear for me in his voice. The depth of his hurt most of all haunts me.

Charlie is right, I do owe Jacob more, but not as much as Charlie seems to be angling at. When he continues to poke at my Jacob wound, I snap without meaning to. Pointing out that it is difficult to talk to someone when I am banned from using the phone.

With a benevolent and slightly smug smile, Charlie issues me with permission to make a call to Jake, and then proceeds to bring the cordless phone to me to make sure I follow through.

The call is easier to make than I thought it would be. Billy answers, and Jacob is out. Billy offers no further information to suggest when he would return and whether he might call me back.

Thwarted, Charlie retires to the sofa with a scowl on his face. For myself, I am ridiculously relieved. Jacob is yet another cut that I am not ready to re-open. But if there is one thing that I have learned about cuts, it is that sometimes they have to bleed before they heal.

I go to bed at a "normal" time as Charlie would expect, but avoid my bed despite how tired I feel. I know the warning signs too well to ignore them. I am too jumpy to be able to expect restful sleep. When faced with the nightmares that will stalk me if I close my eyes, tired insomnia feels like a better option.

I change into the PJs that Alice left out for me and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed. An empty toothpaste tube is waiting for me left behind by Charlie. Looking in the cabinet for the spare tube, two little brown bottles with my name on them are looking back at me from the back of the cupboard.

The first is labelled Clonopin and the second Triazolam. Two magic cures in a bottle prescribed by Dr Gerandy to fix my Edward problem. The first to calm me down and the second to knock me out. I have never indulged in either, and the bottles have remained in the cupboard since the day Renee had the prescription filled and placed them there.

Neither have ever tempted me, but they remain yet another reminder of that dark time, and not one I am willing to contemplate again. I grit my teeth and grab them, ready to flush them down the toilet, but hesitate. With Charlie on responsible parent alert there is a risk that he might find the empty bottles in the trash, and panic. Then I would have questions to answer.

Instead I take them back to my room and put them into the pocket of my coat which is still hanging on the back of my door from the grocery shopping. I will give them to Alice to dispose of sensibly.

I return to my desk and open the laptop again. Alice's pre-prepared bookmarks are a good excuse to avoid sleep for a few more hours.

I feel like the breath is being strangled to a stop inside my throat as I run. Always forward with one purpose, by never quite fast enough.

Through a confusing and oppressively narrow maze of cobble streets I pound. Tall medieval buildings high above steal the light away from the ground below giving the street a damp, dank, feeling. Heavy with a scent reminiscent of the depth of the woods after rain, but instead of smelling of nature, it smells of decay.

Deep inside I knew what I was running towards; death.

Arms pumping, my screaming legs muscles try to produce even more speed as I force myself forward. Somewhere ahead, a clock begins to strike the chimes of the hour.

_Too slow, always too slow. _

On the fifth chime I burst into the square and run past a frozen crowd of red eyed fiends in cloaks, but none of them notice me. Their attention is directed towards an alley way under a clock in which my broken angel is waiting to reveal himself to the sun. They are waiting to rip him away from me and this world.

Pushing on I run towards him silently shrieking, "No!"

I wish I had the talent to hold time within my hand and stop the infernal and constant chiming of the clock in the clock tower. The crowd parts for me, like a scene from the bible, providing a marked pathway for my head long rush. I can't stop time because I am only a weak human and I am tiring.

The eleventh chime sounds and my pathway to Edward starts to close as the crowd surge forward, anticipating my pain and their fun. Then I see him step out from the protecting shadows into the cruel sunlight.

Close to hysterics, I scream out to him, but he is blind and deaf to me. Too caught up in his guilty desire to take his light from the world to notice my inconsequential efforts to save him.

The twelfth chime sounds, and he steps out in the light. The crowd surges, I stumble and it is over as his beauty is smothered under a wave of moving scarlet cloaks and growling bodies. Too bright for this world, his light is gone and I am alone. Finally and irrefutably alone.

The scene switches to the forest, as the damp decay of the cobbled streets melts into impenetrable green gloom. I feel loamy soil under my cheek as my absolute desire for the flesh to melt from my bones so that I can dissolve into the soil and just stop crashes over me.

Someone is shaking my shoulder. Sam Uley perhaps? I don't care, because this time I'm not going to let them make me surface and be taken back to a world which is too sharp and bright without Edward to soften it for me. This time I will have my way and disappear.

Semi whispered voices exchange words above my head, and I feel the hands on my shoulder replaced by a larger firmer, ones. They are stronger and more insistent with their shaking and interruptions.

I curl myself into a tighter ball, and evade the greedy fingers that want to steal my grief from me. I can't stand the pain, the endless ache for someone that is now forever gone. Numbness is easier. Numbness means invisibility and that will get me closer to the disintegration into nothingness that I crave. It offers escape and relief and an end to the loss.

I am rolled over and brought into contact with a cold, muscular chest, and then I am moving. Being rocked from side to side as a gentle voice whispers into my hair.

"Bella, honey, let it go. Edward's safe, let the pain go." Jasper's voice, soft but strained. "You don't need to hurt like that, Bella, let it go."

I come back to myself in pieces; one painful part at a time. Like a sensory jigsaw puzzle. Only there is one piece missing that should be right where my heart is.

I wrench myself out of Jasper's arms and tumble onto the floor beside my bed on all fours. Holding my hand out defensively when Jasper comes to his knees beside me, his expression concerned.

The feelings associated with the dream linger, and my body reacts. I wretch the meagre content of my stomach into the waste paper basket that Alice slips with perfect timing under my head, as her hands flutter up and down my back trying to soothe me.

The dream was so real, too real. My stomach rolls again and I dry wretched. I feel the pressure of that empty place inside me rise again sickingly. We came so close to being parted forever. So, close. My stomach rolls again as the feelings from the dream crash over my head, pulling me down with them like an emotional rip tide.

A large cold hand touches my back and I feel calm return to my tightly clenched muscles. The same hands move to my shoulders and pull me up right, and I turn without thought of the consequences into his chest and cry silently into the cold skin of his neck as Alice kneels beside us on the floor.

Why am I doing this? Why am I inflicting this separation on us both? My time is finite, why am I wasting it being away from Edward.

"I want Edward." I sob, and Jasper silently rocks me until I manage to calm myself again.

We're sitting on the side of my bed now, my face against Jasper's shoulder and his arm around me.

Jasper speaks over my head, "Call him!"

"No, it's not what they need. I've seen it. It's better this way."

Jasper makes a disbelieving hissing sound, and Alice sighs quietly.

"Let her decide."

"Alice," Jasper growls warningly.

I turned tear filled eyes to where Alice is pacing swiftly backwards and forwards from the window to the door and back again. Jasper's arms tighten, and I realise the position we are in.

"Is this okay?" Too selfish and needy to be able to pull away, I still voice the concerns that are passing through my head.

"I'd be lying if I said it was easy, Bella, but it easier than before if that helps."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not allowed to be, remember?" he chuckles, but it sounds strained. "No more apologies, okay?"

"Are you okay?" Alice asks her eyes worried. "You scared me there for a minute when Jasper couldn't get through to you."

"I'm okay, the dream was just kind of intense, I guess."

"I am grateful, but what are you doing here Jasper?"

"I had my instructions. Alice saw that you would struggle with this. I was to be on hand to assist from a safe distance, but it wasn't working. I had to get closer to you to have any effect. I can leave if you prefer?"

"No, no." I shake my head urgently. "Please, don't go yet."

"I'm not going anywhere, sweets." A flush of warm, protective love races over me and strengthens when I bury my head tighter against his chest. This is what having a big brother truly feels like I realise. I don't need to feel it from Jasper to know this, because it is as strong inside me as on the outside from him.

Jasper's phone chirps quietly in his pocket, and he pulls it out, putting it to his ear.

"Emmett?"

"I'm fine, she's fine." Jasper let out a frustrated half sigh. "Yes, Alice is here too. I am being careful." He groan making a soft frustrated noise." I am being _supervised_ Emmett."

Alice takes the phone from Jasper. "Where are you Emmett? You'd better not.... Okay good. Everything is fine; just make sure you are thinking that before you head back to the house. Bye for now."

I straighten and move away from Jasper for his sake as well as mine. I am sick of being a sobbing weakling. Raking my hands through the tangled mess of my hair I notice something. Lying on the bed by Jasper's side on top of my twisted and crumpled sheets is an envelope, a CD case and a small bunch of flowers.

Jasper stands and moves towards the open window and fresher air.

"For you, from Edward." Jasper indicates to the items as he looks at Alice pointedly before smiling softly when I grab for them eagerly. Alice holds her hand out for the CD and I hand it to her wordlessly. While my attention is riveted on the remaining items, she put the CD into my boom box and sets it playing quietly in the background.

The bouquet is so pretty. Made up of tiny little blue flowers with jewel bright green leaves, they are bound together with trailing ivy leaves secured with a white silk ribbon.

"Forget-me-nots." Jasper murmurs.

My internet research has not been wasted tonight. Flowers and the meaning of flowers played an important part in the message of love when Edward was still human. One of Alice's many bookmarks educated me on the subject.

"For remembrance." I quote from memory.

"And ivy for fidelity." Alice adds.

I open the envelope with unsteady hands, and devour the contents.

_**At the end of all time**_

_**When the fire has come,**_

_**I'll still hold you as mine.**_

_**I'll still need you when it's done.**_

_**When all that we've known is washed away...**_

_**I'll still need you on that day.**_

_**Many miles down the road**_

_**The pages turn...**_

_**And my body's growing old;**_

_**I'll think of you...**_

_**Bright as the sun. **_

_**I'll need you then**_

_**To make me feel young.**_

_**I had a lonely heart **_

_**Before I met you. **_

_**And years from that start**_

_**I'll need you then, too.**_

_**I'll still need you**_

_**To take my hand when it's dark.**_

_**I'll still love you**_

_**As I have from the start.**_

_**I'll still want you**_

_**To catch my falling tears.**_

_**I'll still be true**_

_**And even after all our years....**_

_**I will still need you.**_

_(__I'll still need you - Jason James Gerald Carnrike) _

_**My Darling Bella**_

_**Once again I speak to you through the words of another, but it is with a jealous covetous heart that I write them for you. They capture so perfectly how I need you now, and for always. I how I have needed you before I even met you, before you were ever born. How can this man so eloquently express my feeling to you? Those words should have been mine.**_

_**Thank you for the book, and the gift of your heavenly scent, I will cherish them both. Your choice of reply touched me profoundly because you are inside me so deeply, my love, as Jane is for Rochester. So a part of my every sinew and bone that it would break me from the inside out to leave you. It is simply not a choice for me now. Please believe me.**_

_**I wish you had known me as the man I was, because I am sure that the man would have loved as desperately endlessly as the monster I became does. Endlessly with want or reason. Just to be with you is all that I want, in whatever capacity you will let me.**_

_**I miss you more than I can say with my own words or those of another. Please forgive me.**_

_**Edward**_

The ache in my chest intensifies as I visualise the invisible link that Rochester described to Jane. I imagine it stretching between Edward and I, and it is a too taunt and knotted link at present. Confused by miscommunication and angry words. I'm scared that if it is left uncared for it will twist and break. This mental imagine above all other shatters me.

Jasper is suddenly by my side, his hand on my knee as he crouches by my feet. I turn wet eyes to him beseechingly, asking without words for relief from the ache.

"What is it that you need, Bella? Ask me for it. For anything, and I will stop this pain for you in any way I can. What do you need my sweet sister?"

One word to end the agony. The only thing that I want in the world.

"Edward."

_Author's Note_

_Edward's additional music to Bella - _

_**Ache – James Carrington**_

_**Whatever It Takes – Lifehouse.**_

_**Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel**_

_**I Will Love You – Fisher**_

_**Look After You – The Fray**_


	13. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

_It's going to be okay. He's going to be here soon. Jasper knows what I need. Edward... Edward... Edward..._

My heartbeats thunder in my ears in time with the echo of Edward's name inside my head. I watch as Jasper pulls out his cell phone with his long fingered, pale hand. He stretches to give the little silver device to me, and I reach out eagerly for it, but before it connects with my hand Alice whips it away.

"No!" Alice shouts, so loudly that both Jasper and I turn round to look at her with surprised expressions.

I hold my hand out ready to ask for it back, but Jasper is quicker. He takes it from her hands with a disapproving growl of, "Alice!"

"Alice, what are you doing? I made my choice, why would you try to stop me? I want him here, now!"

"Bella, let me explain..."

"No. You don't understand I _need_ him here now."

I want to try to explain my desperation to Alice so that she can understand the vastness of the ache in me for him. How it feels like there is a black hole inside of my chest that is going to swallow me from the inside out if I don't see Edward soon, but words fail me so instead I shake and shiver in front of her like the addict that I am.

"I _need_ him, Alice."

Alice is suddenly holding my face between her hands and staring intensely into my eyes like she is willing me to understand. "What if this is not about what you need? What if it's about what Edward needs, even if he doesn't realise that it's best for him?"

"What do you mean?" I ask with a hint of hysteria in my voice. What does she mean? That I need to stay away from him for his own good? The bitter taste of my insecurities both old and new settles in my stomach like shards of ice. This has to be confirmation of what I have always known. How did I think that I could ever be enough for him?

Tears trail down my face, and Jasper's soft voice interrupts my inner monologue as he answers my emotions rather than my words because I haven't said anything out loud.

"You're everything to Edward, Bella, because you complete him, the way that Alice completes me."

"As Edward completes you," Alice adds as she smiles loving at Jasper.

"Then why?" I stutter, beyond confused by the mixed messages she is giving me.

"You're going to have to be brave, Bella, because I don't think you'll like what Alice is trying to tell you," Jasper cautions as he stares at Alice pointedly and earns a scowl from her in return.

Strong, I can do that, I think. Or at least I can endure, that much I know about. I nod my head once jerkily ready to listen, but still confused. I can't understand why this is a problem. I want to see him and he wants to see me. I may have many doubts, but I don't doubt that.

"What do you think is better, Bella? For Edward to put you on a pedestal and always be reaching up for you, while you consider yourself constantly unworthy of him, so you are both never quite on the same level? Or is it better for you to meet in the middle as equals now, when you are human, before immortality solidifies the problem?"

Stupid, over-done traitor tears prick the back of my eyes. Can't she see? Hasn't Edward already made this point a million times before? He doesn't want me immortal so we can't be equals, and I have to literally learn to live with it.

"I don't see how that's ever going to happen, Alice."

"I've seen it, Bella, it happens. Whether Edward likes it or not, that happens," Alice replies angrily.

"I..."

"But that's not all that Alice is trying to say, Bella, and it's not all that needs to happen, Alice," Jasper interrupts quietly with another pointed look.

"_Jasper_."

Another scowl crosses Alice's small face, but Jasper's expression remains smooth, and he does not break eye contact with her as a silent conversation passes between them.

"_Alice_."

Alice swings away from Jasper with a soft huffing noise then back around to him, but there is a softening in her expression. The argument is apparently over almost as quickly as it started. I wish that it could be that simple for Edward and me. As I observe them enviously, Alice nods, and there is an expression of resolve on her face.

Jasper turns his blond head to me, and smiles affectionately. "Immortality isn't the answer any more than Edward saying 'sorry' and you accepting his apology would be. It's just not that simple for either of you I'm afraid."

I know that Jasper is trying to explain something, but the words don't really register enough with me to make any real sense. The ache inside me tugs, drawing my focus and pushing my need to the front of my mind. Unconsciously my arms slide into the familiar position around my stomach and chest, like I am trying to hold myself together. Jasper's hands catch my own, and he unwraps my arms from around my body to replace them with his own. He tugs me against his side, and my head ends up tucked against his shoulder.

"I understand, better than anyone, the way you ache and the emptiness." Alice flits to Jasper's other side and curves against him. They fit together like they were never meant to be separate. "Because that is the way I felt before Alice found me." He pulls Alice tighter to him. "And I understand how Edward feels too."

Alice makes a grumbling noise under her breath, but Jasper interrupts her. "Even if I don't agree with his decisions, I understand how he feels, _Alice."_

"You could leave Alice?" I can't imagine that under any circumstances.

"No, never," he replies without hesitation, "but I'm not Edward. You have to understand what he was like before you, Bella. I'm not sure you appreciate how much you have changed his life, all our lives really."

"I don't..."

"You're right, you _don't_," Jasper replies firmly, cutting me off before I can deny the magnitude of what he is attributing to me.

"Before he met you Edward was protective of his family, but otherwise aloof and too self-contained except for his temper. You've opened him up, and we see the difference. He had routines and habits that filled his day but no real purpose. More than ninety years without roots or direction. Then he met you, and you became a sun for him to orbit around from the very the first moment he met you."

_Edward. _The ache inside me ripples suddenly as I imagine the picture of emotional isolation that Jasper is painting for me. Edward alone, even when surround by his family. As alone as I have been since he left and perhaps since before he came into my life. As - until that point - I always felt like something of a passenger in the journey of my own life. With the realisation of that thought I feel sad.

"You made a difference to him, Bella, you and nobody else. He loves you, never doubt that."

I understand what he means, but the problems that stand between Edward and me have never been about a lack of love. A wave of helplessness washes over me. In response to my turmoil, the arm that Jasper has wrapped around me tightens briefly, and then he moves, turning around to hold both my hands so we are sitting face to face.

"You have to listen to me very carefully and try to understand what I am saying. Edward at his core is a protector, and you are the centre of his world. If he saw himself as dangerous for you because of what he and his family are, how else could he react, being who he is, except to remove the threat?"

"I think..." The words stutter out. "Do you think...that if he could hear me, mentally I mean... _if_ he could have heard how much I loved him and didn't care about the risks, he would still have left?" I whisper this because it reveals more about me than I have been willing to share with myself, let alone with others.

"No, honestly, no. My taking a snap at you simply heightened his doubts and insecurities until he couldn't react in any other way except to protect you. Leaving you was the wrong choice, but it was made for the right reasons. I believe, like you, that he thinks of himself as rather unworthy of your love."

"_Self sacrificing idiot!_ You'd think after 108 years he would've been able to tame his inner drama queen." Alice's small, delicate features are twisted with anger in a way I don't think I have ever seen before. There is something else hidden just under the service of that anger that I can't quite label.

"Alice, you know he was out of his mind with grief when he left." Jasper's voice is gently chiding. "More than 80 years on his own; how was he equipped to deal with it any better?"

Alice's expression darkens further with temper. "No Jasper! He has had more than 80 years of reading other people's minds! He should be able to pick a better response than he did. He also could have listened to what his family thought. Listened to me!"

Then I know what it is behind her too-guarded eyes and tight-set mouth. I know suddenly how much it hurt for her to have been caught in the middle, because Edward left Alice too.

"Even with precognition, given the same set of circumstances if they involved me, can you honestly say that you could react any differently?" Jasper asks quietly as he reaches out for Alice. She moves to him, immediately curling into his side again.

"Yes!" Alice's voice is defiant as she presses her face into Jasper's neck. Several seconds pass, and when she talks again her voice is muffled against Jasper's skin and very quiet. "No."

I feel the need to apologise to Alice, for Edward and myself. For the doubts I had when Edward told me she had left me and my silent misgivings about the depth of our friendship in the face of that desertion. Because Alice never deserted me, she left because she had to, not because she wanted to.

"I'm sorry Edward hurt you when he left, Alice. I'm so sorry _everybody_ got hurt because of us."

Saying Edward's name aloud focuses me back on what I wanted before Alice snatched the phone away, and with it comes the usual pang of pain. I stand up again, calmer, but still agitated.

"I understand what you are trying to say, and I do forgive Edward, Alice. I want to see him." In reality, I actually want to throw myself at him and cling to him so hard that he can never leave again. To melt my flesh into his until we are fused so tightly together that nothing can part us.

Instead of expressing my true thoughts, I deliberately pick a composed, less passionate way to explain myself. I am trying to appear externally calm even if I am screaming inside.

"We need to talk." There, that sounds like a sensible, calm thing to say, doesn't it? Jasper's sceptical, sideways glance confirms that I am fooling no one.

I cross over to my dresser to dig out my phone. I don't need Jasper's cell to do this, but Alice's body in suddenly in front of me blocking my way, and I stop short with a small cry of surprise. _Why is she doing this?_

I try to step around her, but she body checks me by bringing her hands up to my shoulders to hold me still.

"No, Bella, please listen to me." My agitation spikes and I feel my stomach twist into tense, frustrated knots.

"What is it that you want me to do? I can't stand this Alice; just get to the point, please," I demand. My voice is urgent and my patience is wearing thin. The minutes are ticking by and Edward _still_ isn't with me. She hesitates uncharacteristically, and the tension gnaws at me harder. Why doesn't she understand? I need Edward here so I can fill up all the empty spaces inside of me with him. Can't she see?

"Alice, back off a bit."

"No, she needs to hear this."

"_Alice!" _I beg.

"I want you to wait to see Edward." Voice firm, no hesitation, she isn't kidding here.

"What? No!" I jerk away from her and back up several paces. "No, no, no!" Each denial is punctuated with a shake of my head as I pace up and down completely unable to process this and keep still at the same time. "How can you ask that?"

"72 hours."

"No!"

"48 hours."

"_No!" _ My breathing starts to come in harsh panting breaths, and fat tears are running down my already wet cheeks at the thought of a further separation. _ How can she ask me this?_

Jasper grabs for me and I am smashed up against his chest. "That was hardly a subtle approach, Alice. Come on, Bella, please calm down, or you're going to pass out. Breathe for me."

I'm not sure that I'm capable anymore, and it confuses me that Jasper hasn't already started the calming process for me. Instead his voice coxes me with gentle words. "Come on, sweetheart, in and out. Nice and slow. Let's slow everything down for both our sakes." His attempt at humour falls flat, but the realisation that I am making things difficult for him again forces me to focus and try for Jasper's sake.

Alice and Jasper exchange a look and Jasper shakes his head in reply to some silent question.

"Do you trust me?" Alice asks.

"Yes." Despite the anxiousness which is scattering my wits there is no hesitation in my response, and she smiles.

"Then please try to understand why I think you need to wait. Edward wants to see you, probably more than you even want to see him. He is scared to be apart from you now, and he is killing himself with guilt over what has happened and how you have suffered because of his decisions."

"I know that, Alice, so let me got to him and make this stop. I can't do this anymore. Can't you see that?" Jasper's arms tighten around me, and he begins to rock me gently.

"Don't you see, that's my point, like Jasper said, it's not enough for you to forgive Edward. Edward has to forgive himself, otherwise this pain you are both feeling is going stay exactly as it is, twisted between you and hurting you both forever more. Perhaps it's enough for you to forgive Edward at this point, but Edward needs more. He needs to feel like he has _gained_ your forgiveness, so I'm asking you to let him earn it. Just a little time is all I'm looking for."

Jasper silences Alice with a raised hand and I turn my attention to him. "Forgiveness is a process, Bella; it has to be owned by both parties. Edward by nature is over-analytical and takes too much onto his shoulders. Alice is right; he will flay himself about this for the rest of eternity if you let him. He's also a creature of his times, and he needs to be that person, the protector that I tried to explain to you. It's about so much more than just the words." Jasper voice is low and compelling, and suddenly I understand.

As epiphanies go this one is rather spectacular as it hits me straight between the eyes with the force of a bullet to the brain. Jasper's words all at once click into place and right behind them Alice's.

It isn't enough for me to say that I forgive Edward and call him back to my side to ease my, no, our ache. It has to be mutual. He has to forgive himself too. We have to forgive each other and build back the trust together, because love, trust and forgiveness are not separate but part of the whole of us. One doesn't work without the other. In fact, an absence of one could very well destroy the rest.

I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, but we can be sublimely imperfect together. _Together_, it's all I want, all I need and everything that I crave. But the thought of a further separation makes my heart quail, and I tremble, letting the stress of it all overtake me again.

"Do you trust me?" Alice repeats.

"You know I do, with my life if it came to that."

"Then let him make amends to you. Give him a way to heal from the guilt he has about leaving you. He's trying to woo you in a way that would have been familiar from when he was human. Give him this, even if he doesn't really know that he needs it."

Could I do that? Wait more empty days and nights? The weaker, needier part of me is screaming _no_ very loudly, but I can see the logic in her argument. I don't want Edward forever prostrate at my feet with guilt. I want us to be equal in the best sense of the word. If by being a stronger, less needy Bella I can give him that, then I can set aside my fears and live with the ache of his absence for a few more days.

Alice is watchful as she studies my face for a decision.

"It's better this way," I whisper to myself, trying to convince myself that I can do this; be apart from him and survive. What was it Alice had said about no truly passionate love being without pain?

"I need to suck it up, don't I?" I say, and Alice smiles wryly.

"In a manner of speaking, but I would never force you if you feel you can't. Edward feels wretched about being away from you too."

"Not helping, Alice," I mutter.

"Sorry."

I feel like I am trying to cut my own heart out with a rusty blade and the weak tears that spring to my eyes are evidence of that, but my decision is made, and I have a caveat to add. Of course, Alice sees it before I speak it.

"Bella, are you sure?"

"Yes. I need you to make Edward go hunting properly, not just on small game around and about. I don't care how you do it or who you have to use your Alice voodoo powers on to get it to happen. I want you to go with him because I want you two to start talking again."

She pulls a querulous face at this request, but I grimace right back at her. I don't want to be in the middle of brother and sister any more. It was wrong of me to have asked her to put herself between us. I am grateful that she did, but it has to end now.

"I doubt Edward will be persuadable, Bella." Alice the mighty looks suddenly doubtful of her own abilities to separate Edward from my side. As messed up as it is, her doubts about Edward's determination thrill my heart until it is fluttering over-excitedly in my chest.

"Alice, I'm too weak to be able to stay away if I know he is close. I don't think I will manage if I am the only thing that is keeping him away. I can't be unselfish and give him what you say he needs without the distance."

"The only person he'll do it for is you." My defences are up immediately as a memory of Edward collapsed, and motionless on his bedroom floor comes back to haunt me.

"No, I won't send him away. I won't hurt him like that, how can you even suggest it, Alice?"

Alice grabs for my wildly flaying hands and anchors them in her own while she chants my name soothingly, "Bella, Bella, that's not what I mean."

Quailing again I suddenly need reassurance that this is the right course of action, because, God knows, it doesn't feel completely right to me.

I look to Jasper. "Is this better? I need the truth. Will this be better for us?"

"Short term, no, not for Edward, long term, yes, I'm sure of that. He is a creature of habit, Bella, his guilt about leaving you and the responsibility for the consequences will pain him. There is no way to stop that, but this will ease the burden significantly."

I think back to the moment in the woods with Emmett, and the relief I felt by taking that small element of control over my pain by _choosing_ to return to the scene of our parting. I want to be able to give Edward that same feeling of relief.

I move over to my desk and scribble out a note to Edward in response to his request for forgiveness. I could send him an email, but it is important to me that he has this message in my own words and handwriting. I wish I had more time and resources at my disposal to be able to return the beautiful gestures that Edward created for me, but this has to be quick and dirty, before I lose courage and change my mind.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry, but I'm not ready yet. I want to be, but I need time. I'm not angry, well, not really, and I'm not doing this to try to be cruel. I just need time._

_You need to hunt and I need to think, so please go. It will ease my mind to know that you are looking after yourself properly again._

_It will hurt while you are away; I'm not going to lie about that. So please write to me. Write to me in your words or the words of another, I don't mind, but don't leave me in silence._

_I know what I am asking for is unfair, for that I am sorry. Hunt, be with your family and then come back to me._

_I love and ache for you always._

_Bella_**.**

I fold the paper up quickly and hand it to Jasper. "Please tell him I'm worried about him. Tell him I can't sleep for worrying that he is not hunting properly. Make sure he is okay for me, please."

Jasper accepts the paper from me with questioning eyes. "Is that really what you want?"

His question makes me hesitate and second guess myself again. I turn and clumsily slump down onto my bed where Jasper joins me.

"Before you go I want...." What do I want? Edward, here, now! I straighten and tell myself to get with the program.

"It's for him. It's for him. It's for him."

I only realise that I am chanting the words out loud when Alice asks, "Bella, are you sure?"

"What do you need?" Jasper asks, cocking his head to the side as he studies my face.

Twenty different thoughts chase through my head, and they all end with Edward here with me.

"Do you want to speak to him?"

"No."

I can't do that. If I do that I will cave into my craving, and he won't get what Alice promises that he needs. I have to be stronger than that.

"I think you do," Jasper replies.

"I can't do that, I just can't, I'm not strong enough to _only_ speak to him right now."

Jasper pulls his cell phone out of his pocket again and lays it down on the bed between us and pointedly clicks onto the hands free option.

"Jas, what are you doing?" Alice protests.

"Giving Bella what she needs."

His smile is gentle, his eyes sure, and he is studying my face again. Then I realise, he's waiting for me to say yes or no.

"Charlie will hear." I panic. "I can't...I don't..." A scared litter whimper escapes from between my lips.

"You're not going to speak to him; you're going to hear him speak. Won't that help? As to Charlie, I have that under control. He's having one of the most relaxing nights of sleep of his life right now." He smiles impishly, and the tension that normal colours his expression is absent for now. "Sometimes healing is about timing, and support is about acceptance. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little of what you need."

I manage a tentative nod to express my permission for him to go ahead.

Alice makes a grumpy hissing sound behind me, and Jasper returns the noise with a dismissive wave of his hand in her direction. "Enough, Alice."

Jasper dials quickly, and my heart beat speeds up when the ringing tone starts. He tenses slightly by my side, no doubt in response to the over eager rushing of blood around my veins. I make an apologetic face in his direction, and he rolls his eyes in response, but I notice Alice come closer to us and understand the likely reason why.

The digital ringing noise continues for several seconds and then stops, and I am caught up in the heaven of Edward's voice. It feels as though my heart stops completely for several seconds before taking up it's over excited rhythm again.

"Jasper?"

_Oh God, Edward._

"Edward."

"Are you with Alice? Is Bella okay?" He sounds apprehensive.

"I'm nearby. Bella is fine. Hurting, but fine."

Edward makes a groaning noise and it is painful to hear. I inch closer to the phone.

"I gave her your message."

"_You_ gave Bella the message?"

"I was with Alice, Edward."

"You must be able to see my point, Jasper, after the whole thing with her shirt. I know Bella is trying to help, but I can't condone anything that might put her at risk." His voice is edger now, more commanding.

"Enough, Edward!" Alice replies. "Jasper is under control. Do you really think I would do anything to risk Bella's safety when I've only just got her back?"

There is silence on the end of the phone for several seconds. When Edward replies his voice sound flat and tired, "Be grateful that _you_ have her back. I'm not so lucky." The devastation in his voice breaks my heart again.

I make a grab for the phone, but Alice catches my hand, and whispers the words, "for Edward," so silently that I have to read her lips to understand.

I drop back down onto the bed defeated and my breath hitches in silent sorrow.

"Bella has your message, Edward," Jasper redirects the conversation while placing a soothing hand on my knee.

"And?"

"It made her smile, but she misses you."

There is a notable pause. "Won't she ta..." He stops abruptly punctuating the abbreviated word with a heavy, world weary sigh. "Tell her I love her and that I will wait forever, if that's what it takes."

"She knows that, but I will of course tell her for you." Jasper's hand on my knee squeezes again.

"Knowing it and hearing me say it isn't the same." There is a pause for several seconds before Edward speaks again. When he does his beautiful voice is deep, soft and anxious, "I love you, Bella." Then the call is terminated from Edward's end.

Three seconds later I am up and on my feet and heading straight for my wardrobe to find the first clothes that come to hand.

"I can't do this; I have to go speak to him."

Alice grabs me again, and pulls me back to the bed where I fling my arms around her and start to cry loudly, trying to express my grief. She rocks me, and her voice is tender, "It's for the best, I promise, I would never put you through this unless I thought it was for the best."

Jasper's hand join's Alice's on my back and it strokes soothingly up and down while Alice talks quietly to me. It takes a few minutes, but I get myself back under control again.

While I am wiping my wet cheeks with my hand, Jasper crouches down until we are at eye level. "Are you sure?" he asks, giving me the option to back out yet again.

I hold my hand out for letter, and Jasper gives it to me wordlessly. Pulling away from Alice I walk over to my desk, smooth the folded paper out flat, and start writing with a less then steady hand.

_P.S. I heard you, and I want you to know that while it broke my heart to hear your pain at the same time it helped to heal mine, because I feel the same as you in every way. So for now, go so that we can both do what we need to do, then come back to me so that we can heal together. I love you, Bella. x_

My hands are trembling when I hand the note back to Jasper. "Please go, before I change my mind again."

Jasper's hand sweeps down through my hair, and I feel his lips touch the top of my head, then he's gone and the deed is done. I feel as though all the air has left the room.

Alice smiles and her eyes go out of focus for the briefest of seconds, and she nods exuding new confidence. Coming over to me she guides me back to my bed. I go willingly and lie down against my pillows on my side before curling myself into a tight little ball. Alice lifts the covers over me then lies down beside me on top of them. Pushing my hand out from under the duvet, I extend it toward Alice who clasps it tightly in her own.

"Will it work?"

"He'll go to please you, but he isn't happy about it. Emmett and Esme will come too. Carlisle, Rosalie and Jasper will stay behind."

"Why Jasper?" I'd automatically assumed that they would leave together.

"Partly because it's better for your protection with the Victoria situation, he's the most experienced fighter out of all of us."

A shiver of dread runs down my spine. Was somebody going to get hurt, or worse, because of me again?

"Is it better?"

Alice makes a huffing noise. "Nothing is going to happen, Bella, trust me. You've never been alone since we got back from Italy."

"And that's supposed to make me feel soothed?"

"She will never get close enough to touch you. I promise." There is a vicious sort of determination on Alice's face that reflects her absolute conviction.

I try to distract myself with a change of topic. "You said 'partly', what's the other reason for Jasper to stay?"

Alice cocks her head to one side and smiles. "Do you really think he could leave you when you're hurting like you are?"

The directness of her stare is making me uncomfortable and I fidget nervously. Pulling myself up to sit beside Alice, I run my hands through my hair and drag it back behind my ears.

"Edward is right, you really don't see yourself clearly do you?" she muses. "Can't you see it at all, Bella? How important you are to all of us, but to Jasper in particular?"

I stare at her blushing. "I'm nothing special, Alice."

She makes an irate noise under her breath and grabs my shoulders. "Don't you realise how much you and Jasper have in common? You were both outsiders to this family at the first. I always knew this life was for me, but it's different for Jasper because he's here because of me, as you are for Edward."

When my ridiculous blush intensifies she giggles, filling the room with her outrageously pretty laughter. "Can't you see, Bella? Now Jasper has you, his little sister, and because of that he won't be an outsider anymore. You've truly brought as all together at last as a family. I don't know how to explain how much of a gift you are to us all."

The depth of gratitude on her face for something I didn't consciously create is humbling. I've felt the growing bond between Jasper and me, but it just came naturally. How can I take any credit for that?

"He's an empath, Bella, but more than that he sees himself in you. Your pain is his pain. He has never had that level of connection with anyone in a platonic sense before. Thank you for that, Bella, thank you so much." Alice pulls me into a hug, and I return it with further bemusement, feeling as though I should be thanking her for being in my life rather than the other way around.

"You and he are going to be _so_ close. I've seen it. You're going to help and mean so much to each other. I'm almost jealous." I pull back from her, worried by her last statement, but she laughs at me delightedly then rolls her eyes at the startled expression on my face.

Silence settles over us, and I am filled with the sense that time is running out on me yet again. I don't want to know what I am about to ask, but I go ahead anyway. My voice sounds hollow even to my ears. "When will you leave?"

"Soon, they'll be getting ready to leave now. I'll catch up with them." She studies my face, trying to gauge my resolve I guess. My stomach does a belly flop of fear at the thought of Alice leaving me too.

"I can ask Esme to stay with you, would that be better?"

I can't have this forever, an entire family waiting on my beck and call because Bella is scared to be left alone. To use what I am sure could be an Emmett-ism, I need to grow a pair.

"No, I need to be able to do this on my own." Cold turkey. I suddenly feel sick.

"You should go, put the wheels in motion."

"Are you chasing me out?" she says with a smile. I struggle and fail to return it, because the truth is I don't know how, or even if, I'm going to cope on my own. "We have some time yet."

Alice tries to soothe and distract by chattering mindlessly. We both know I'm not really listening. Her words flow around and over me but never touch on my inner anxiety enough to stop my eyes from drifting to my clock every few seconds. Too soon, Alice turns to the window and looks like she is listening to something or somebody outside of the house.

"Alice?"

"Rosalie is bitching up a storm outside. I'll be right back." She darts out the window almost before her words have time to reach my ears.

I wince at that visual. I can just imagine Rosalie's militant unwillingness to play bodyguard to Edward's little human. I wait sitting cross legged in the middle of my bed impatient for Alice's return. The silence in the house is deafening. With only my own heartbeat for company my mind is suddenly full of too many ideas.

Again one thought is louder than the rest, that I'm hurting Edward by doing this. Regardless of what Alice says about the benefits, this is going to hurt us both. The only thing that makes me able to go through with it is the fact that I can also stop it at any time. One call to Edward and it will end. I jump out of bed and retrieve the iPhone from its hiding place. I slide it under my pillow so that I have it close because it's my connection to Edward and my strength to continue.

I return to my earlier cross legged position and wait. Alice's shiny, black haired head appears through the window moments later. In her hand she has a brown paper bag and a thermal, metal drinking cup. She places both of these items on my bedside table and hands me a folded piece of paper.

_Darling Bella_

_You are the greatest gift that I have ever received since either my creation or birth. You will always be all I will see or wish for during my existence. With all that you give me, how can I deny you your request for time? As much as it will hurt to be apart from you, I will endure because you asked. Please understand, it is only you that can order me from your side now. Nothing that God or man has ever conceived could banish me from you, except you. Please believe me, forgive me and let me return to you soon._

_As to your second request, do you think I could bear silence any better than you? So I ask of you too, do not leave me in silence. I will have my cell with me at all times. To begin, I leave you with another's words again. Trust me when I say, they hardly scratch the surface of what I feel for you._

_I love you, always._

_Edward_

_X_

_P.S. It is your job to look after yourself, and be safe until I return. Please eat, love, for me? I know Alice has been worrying about that regarding you. Look after yourself for me, and I will do the same for you. _

_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.__  
__I love thee to the depth and breadth and height__  
__My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight__  
__For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.__  
__I love thee to the level of everyday's__  
__Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.__  
__I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;__  
__I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.__  
__I love thee with a passion put to use__  
__In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.__  
__I love thee with a love I seemed to lose__  
__With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,__  
__Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,__  
__I shall but love thee better after death._

(Sonnets from the Portuguese, XLIII. Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

I look up at Alice, and she quirks an eyebrow at me with a scolding expression on her small face. "Did you really think I hadn't notice how thin you've become?"

"And you let Edward know that?"

"Not deliberately, you have no idea how exhausting it is trying to make him mind his own business." She rolls her eyes. "Sometimes things slip through."

Alice sits down on the edge of my bed and hands the brown bag to me. "You will eat, yes?"

I've got to be honest, at the wrong side of midnight and in the middle of the emotional equivalent of a tornado, eating is about the last thing I feel like doing. Alice frowns at me.

"For Edward?" Trump card played, she smiles at me encouragingly. "He made it for you."

I empty out the contents of the bag, and Alice helps me open up the Tupperware containers to reveal one with French toast sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar which smells amazing, and another with fresh fruit salad. A sip from the cup that Alice eagerly presses into my hands reveals its contents to be hot chocolate.

There is a small bouquet of flowers in the bag too, delicately scented orchids, wrapped again with ivy and a white, silk ribbon.

I manage to finish a half of everything, before refusing Alice's urgings to eat more. Afterwards, she packs the remnants of my meal back into the paper sack with quiet efficiency, and I know she is about to leave.

"Emmett is outside, so it's time for me to go."

I sigh quietly and force myself to keep breathing steadily in and out as a feeling of loneliness, heavy and smothering, hits me. _Can I really do this?_

"He has something else from Edward, can he come up?"

I nod silently. Almost immediately Emmett's dark, curly head appears by the open window. He climbs through it and without invitation grabs me up from my bed and into a bone crunching hug.

"How are you, honey? I had to come over here myself to get some Bella time, you've no idea how possessive that little thing over there has been since we got back."

Alice rolls her eyes at him, and leans casually against the wall by the window.

"I swear she and Edward nearly threw down at one point over you."

"Emmett," Alice warns with an edge of steel to her voice. Emmett puts me down on the bed and stands holding up his hands in surrender to Alice. The smile he shoots at her is all dimples and cheekiness.

"Alice?" I question.

"It was the night we got back and words were exchanged. Emmett is exaggerating hugely. Do you honestly think Jasper would let things get _that far?"_

"Are they waiting for you?" I can't make myself say Edward's name, it hurts too much.

Emmett answers before Alice has a chance, "they've headed out already, we need to catch up. Edward is in a hurry to get out and back ASAP."

I start trembling the minute Emmett vocalises the reality of the situation. Edward is leaving me. Right now he is moving further and further away. Alice is at my side in an instant. Emmett pulls me into his arms and his large hand is holds my face as I shiver against his solid body. A sigh rumbles through his chest under my ear.

"Sorry, Bella."

"S'okay," I stutter, "I knew this moment was coming."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

A blue shirt is thrust up in front of my watering eyes, and I grab for it and bury my nose into the lightly crushed material. Edward's unique scent fills my senses, and I try to distract myself with the sensation.

"If this is too much, Bella, I can call him back," Alice says, but when I look up into her face she looks conflicted.

Oh god, I want that so much I can taste it. My first instinct is to scream 'yes' to her so loudly that Charlie and half the street will hear me, but the word doesn't pass my lips. Against every instinct that I have, I shake my head. There is one image that is making me enforce this decision despite my doubts, Edward on his knees in his bedroom, trying to coax me off the floor as guilt twists the perfection of his face. I don't ever want to see that again. I need him to redeem himself in his own eyes so that we can move on. I need to give him what Alice says he needs, time to rebuild and heal.

I push Emmett and Alice away with a weak smile. "It's not going to be easy, but I'll survive. You should go."

They both stand up, but Emmett seems reluctant. For his sake, I climb back into bed, and make a show of settling myself under the covers. Alice drops a kiss onto my forehead and herds Emmett towards the window.

"Night, little sis," Emmett says with a small wave before diving out of the window silently.

Alice turns to say goodbye too, but I jump back out of bed and rush over to her before she has a chance to leave and pull her into a tight hug.

"Bella, we don't have to do this," she murmurs, returning my hug before pulling back.

"Yes we do," I reply, with a shaky sigh. "You know we do." She nods silently, and my resolve to carry this out is set firm. "I need you to do something for me."

"Anything, Bella, what do you need?"

"I need you to take him far away. Far enough away that it will take several hours to get back to Forks."

"That might not be the best idea in the circumstances, Bella."

"I know, with Victoria on the prowl, it's a risk. I do understand, but I need to know that he is far away in case I panic. I need to know that I _can't_ just call him back; I need the distance. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but..."

"Please, Alice, I need it to be this way. Besides, I know there is no way you're going to be leaving me on my own for a moment, is there? Edward would never agree to go unless I was protected."

Alice smiles wryly. "You know him too well."

"I hope so."

Alice taps my chest lightly. "You have everything that you need to know right there, inside your heart." She laughs suddenly, a light, brilliant sound that seems foreign in the oppressive atmosphere in my room. "_Wow_, that sounded cheesier spoken out loud than it did in my head."

"It doesn't matter, I know what you mean. You... you should go."

"Do you understand, if we do this, just how far away we will be?"

"Yes." _Please, Alice, please just go before I lose my nerve._

"Okay." She drops a kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight, Bella." In a blur of movement she is out of the window and gone into the night. I am alone.

I return to my bed, and sit as still as a statute; numb. Caught up in my own thoughts, time slides by without me bothering to pay attention to its passing until the cell phone that I have forgotten that I am holding chimes in my hand. Lurching back to reality, I stare down at the screen. I have a new email from Edward containing an iTunes gift voucher.

I download it, and classical music starts playing out of the phone. It chases the silence out of my room, leaving behind something more tangible, but no less sorrowful. Edward isn't leaving me in silence, as he promised, he's sending me his mood, and his distress is painfully apparent. Perversely I want the pain that fills me up as the music rises and falls with the subtle nuances of Edward's sorrow, not because I want Edward to be in pain, but because it is a connection to Edward.

I slip Edward's shirt on over my tank top, welcoming the scent of him that still lingers on the crushed material. Lying down on my side, I curl into a ball around the cell phone where it is positioned on my bed softly playing Edward's mood. It the best I can do for us both in the circumstances; to curve myself around the shiny little piece of technology like I want to be able to curve myself around Edward. In this position, I wait for the talking to begin.

Author's Note

_**Edward's music to Bella -**_

Gluck - Melody from Orfeo ed Euridice (this is particularly beautiful)

Barber - Addagio for Strings

Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (1st movement)

Bach - Air on the G String

All are available on youtube & iTunes.

Please, please don't kill me! Edward is coming in person in the next chapter, I absolutely promise. Please see below for a preview. ***Runs and hides behind the sofa.**

Love it? Hate it? Want to smack me around for sending Edward away? Send me a review and let me know.


	14. Chapter 15

**Author's Note**

_Please accept my apologies for taking so long to update. I have a life that doesn't give me much time for writing. That's a fact and not one that I can do anything about unfortunately, except apologise._

_What I had expected to be one chapter of Bella and Edward talking stretched into a revision of Chapter Fourteen and three additional chapters. They just had that much to say to each other._

_I have to thank BelleDean for beta reading this monster of an update, and I want to give a plug for her story. Her dazed and confused Bella is far too funny to miss, so please give it a go. .net/s/5417985/1/Winter_of_Love_

_I caved to the Twitter craze,____but I'm still working out what to do with it to be honest. _/Reamhar

_Please enjoy, in the meantime I will be hiding behind the sofa waiting for comments..._

**Chapter 15**

I drift in and out of a kind of dozing stupor, too restless to sleep properly and too exhausted to stay completely awake as the hours struggle by. I'm both grateful and anxious about the time that passes and the distance that it brings, because it means that Alice has done what I asked her to do.

I don't really do anything productive with this time, despite the amount of issues and problems I should be thinking about. Instead I lay still, frozen in place, waiting for something - anything_ - _to happen and trying to keep the panic at bay one breath at a time.

Eventually I have to get up off the bed to place the phone in its doc to charge because the batteries are about to give out. I rise stiffly; stretching out my protesting muscles and sit down at my desk staring at nothing particular. Edward's music continues to play quietly. Its only competition in the otherwise dark and deathly silent house are Charlie's muted, rhythmic snores which sound at regular intervals from down the corridor.

Minutes struggle by and more awake now, I let my mind wander as I stare blankly at the scratched and worn surface of my desk. Flashes of thoughts drift through my mind:

_The Volturi chamber... _

_Jane's torture of Edward.... _

_Aro's strange, eager, inquisitive face and the bargain of my life for our release..._

_Clinging onto Edward afterwards in the reception..._

So many vivid pictures speed through my mind that it makes my head ache, but it is the image of Gianna, the knowledgeable human within the lair of red-eyed fiends, I linger on. She is a woman who, like me, wants to be changed. At the same time she is completely unlike me. I don't pretend to know why she might desire such a change. I do know that I _will not_ be turned into the same kind of monster she seeks to be. I shudder at the thought of that kind of life, and can't help but feel a strange animosity towards her for wanting to _make_ such a choice.

Then I realise that the word _choice_ is not one that I can use anymore in this situation; since I no longer have a choice. Thanks to the Volturi, being changed isn't something that is in my control because that was the price I had to pay to save us all. I wonder if I should be angry about this loss of control? The emotion doesn't seem to be there; for that aspect of the mess we are in at least. Weirdly, all I feel about it is an insane sense of relief because it is one of the few certainties that I have. Being changed or death; I know which one I am going to go for. The question is: what is Edward's reaction going to be?

The thought of him sets pangs of anxiety off in me again. I contain them with difficulty, and distract myself by pacing slowly around my room while holding the collar of his shirt against my cheek and nose a bit like a baby might with a blankie.

I hear Charlie shifting around in his room and I freeze, nervously clutching my cell tightly in my hand. Looking at the blinking numbers on my alarm clock I realise that it's 8AM. How on earth did the night get away from me?

I listen to the patter of rain on the window, and look out through a crack in the curtains to the cloudy, wet day outside. It could be twilight or before dawn, the light is so poor it is impossible to tell one from the other. I morosely conclude that the weather and the lack of sunlight rather match my mood.

Rousing myself, I take a quick inventory of my room and start putting away any evidence of the night's comings and goings. After shutting the window, I place the laptop away on my desk, but I can't make myself let go of the phone, not even to switch it off until Charlie has left the house. Instead I turn off the music and switch the phone to silent mode. I climb back into bed and lie down, sliding my hand, which is still holding the phone tightly, under my pillow. The phone represents the only connection I have to Edward at the moment and holding onto it gives me comfort.

I know what is likely to happen next, so I drag the duvet up to my chin and roll over onto my side, doing my best to appear asleep. Sure enough - a few minutes later - my bedroom door cracks open with a soft squeak, and then closes again as Charlie satisfies himself that I am where I am supposed to be.

The normal noises of Charlie setting out on his day echo around the house. The stairs creak under his feet as he heads to the kitchen followed by noises of him making coffee. Eventually the front door bangs behind him as he heads out. His covert approach to checking up on me should probably irk me but it doesn't. At the end of the day I sort of deserve it, and now that he has left it feels rather lonely in the house.

My body is tired, and the idea of staying in the warm, comfort of my bed is appealing. I yawn widely feeling my weariness, but I am unwilling to try to sleep without Edward being here. I've accepted that nightmares, or at the very least vivid dreams, are a given for me. I know if I give in, close my eyes and let my mind drift into unconsciousness they will be there. What I don't want to accept is my current reality because if I fall asleep without him by my side now, I will wake up without him too.

Edward lying wrapped up around me is such an evocative image. It teases and tests my resolve, making me question my choice to give us some space. Yet I can't seem to come to a decision either way.

The words "_call him"_ echo in my head, but I ignore the suggestion. Staring at my cell phone doesn't help either.Of course, Edward's number is programmed into the memory already, helpfully available, easy and so very tempting. Alice is _just_ that efficient. The thought of sending _just_ one text message taunts me to a degree that I almost cannot ignore it. I know that I can't and why. Still, the words that I might have sent come to me, increasing my desire to speak to him even more.

_I don't know how to sleep any more without your arms around me._

_You feel too far away, come back._

_Come back to me._

Little shudders of anxiety rush through me and the all too familiar feelings of doubt and fear follow.

_Don't leave me again. _

"Stop it!" I shout out loud, and wrap my arms tightly around myself in agitation. I've never been good at being apart from him, worse now, because I understand from bitter experience the depth of despair a protracted separation can cause me. _Can cause us_, I correct myself, and my brain unhelpfully provides me with an image of Edward looking wretched and alone in the forest, increasing my desire to call him exponentially.

_Call him, call him, call him..._

The phone vibrates in my hand and I rush to answer it. At the same time I turn towards my bedroom door, convinced that Charlie will burst through at any minute and catch me in the act so to speak. Of course, he doesn't come. Feeling immediately idiotic, I read the screen.

_Lack of sleep making you jumpy? Stop it Bella. Edward's twitchy as it is. Either send the message or don't, you indecision is sending me visions that are about to have him running back to Forks any second if you don't make your mind up soon. Alice x_

I sigh, would that it were that simple. I know what I want to send it, and I also know why I can't. Alice pointing out the obvious to me isn't really soothing my mood. _Know-it-all_, even if she is right.

"_Not_ helping, Alice."

The phone vibrates again. _You can stop sulking too! A x_

Despite myself, she makes me smile, though the humour has worn off when I send her a reply.

_You know I want to, but I can't. I'm sorry for making it difficult for you. Is everything Okay? Is he okay? B x_

Strangely she doesn't come back with a reply, pithy or otherwise for several minutes. I'm starting to get slightly worried about it when the phone, now that I have taken it off silent mode, trills.

_He's fine, Bella. Anxious and kind of obnoxious with it, but fine. Don't worry, I am keeping an eye on him for you. Love A x_

Evidently all is still not well between the Cullen siblings. I sigh at the thought, and try to ignore the pang of guilt that comes with the sigh. I pull the cell phone out again and stare at it mutely. So many people have been caught up in this nightmare of pain between Edward and I. Alice is only one of the casualties, and she is not the only one on my mind.

The thought of Jacob, angry with me and hurt only 15 miles down the road in La Push fills me with the remorse. I look at the clock again; it's not quite 8:30, so not too l early for a call. Not that Jacob exactly keeps normal hours. I sit up and dial, resolved to once again try to reach out to my friend, even though I know the outcome is likely to be a rejection.

The phone rings several times as though promising a lack of an answer, but eventually Billy's voice says, "hello?"

"Hi, Billy, it's Bella. Sorry to call so early. Is Jacob there?"

"No, Bella, he's out. Can I take a message?"

"That depends; will it be ignored like my last one?"

Billy sighs heavily. "That's really between you and Jake, Bella. It's not for me to say."

"I know it's awkward, Billy. I'm sorry you're getting kinda stuck in the middle."

"It's fine, Bella. Jacob just has a lot on his mind right now."

I'm lingering on the phone, and realize how unfair it is of me to put Billy in the position of having to make excuses for Jacob. So I try to wrap it up for both of our sakes. There is absolutely no point in prolonging this.

"I know, Billy. Can you tell him that I called again please?"

"Sure, Bella..." Billy replies, his voice trailing off strangely. "Is Charlie in?"

I hesitate, wondering for a moment about the rapid change of topic. "Not at the moment, he's at the station I expect. He'll be back later. Do you want me to get him to call you?"

"Nuh, don't worry about it, Bella. I'll catch him at work. So, eh, Emily mentioned that she saw Dr Cullen's wife in Port Angeles at the shops. Is the family back?" I can hear him struggling with the word 'family'.

"Yes."

"All of them?" Billy fishes.

"Yes, all. Edward too."

Billy grunts a response, and I get the idea that I have just confirmed something _else_ for him. One thing that Jake and I have in common is that we don't exactly share things with our Dads unless completely necessary. I assume Jacob has been keeping stuff from Billy too.

"That explains some of Jacob's mood," he says, as though thinking aloud. "You're friendly with the Cullens again then." He is making a statement not asking a question.

"Yes, but I haven't seen much of them, being under house arrest and all." This is a blatant lie.

Billy laughs, "yep, your Dad was pretty steamed up about your latest adventure. I'll bet you're up to your neck in it right now with him. Grounded 'til you turn grey, huh?"

"Something like that."

"Might be good for you, though, keep you out of trouble."

I bristle slightly at the censure in his voice, and answer with a little more bravado than hope. "I'm sure Charlie will soften pretty soon. Time off for good behaviour and all that."

"Yeah, good luck with that," he replies dryly, and I hear the sound of doors slamming and voices in the background on Billy's end of the call.

Suddenly Billy seems to be in a hurry. "Look, Bella, I've got to go; visitors. I'll tell Jake you called. Bye"

"Thanks, Billy. Bye then..." But I am already speaking to an empty line, he left so fast. I hang up with a resigned sigh.

I've made such a mess of things with Jacob. I doubt a few messages, even if he does bother to hear them, are going to fix anything, but I still feel compelled to try. We need to talk. Jake apparently doesn't want to, which is obvious from his silence. So I'm not sure where to go from here.

Suddenly feeling constricted by my bedcovers, I kick them off and settle myself in the middle of the bed cross legged. What am I supposed to do now? Get up like this is a normal morning, and go about my business as though nothing momentous might happen? Have a shower, coffee, breakfast while Edward is God knows where?

The oblivion of sleep as a means of escape is suddenly very tempting but unlikely. I can't run from this even if I want to. All I can do is sit here and wait for something to happen.

I jump out of my skin when the cell phone trills in my hand, and the screen flashes Alice's name announcing an income call. It feels like the 'waiting for something to happen' is about to end.

"Alice?"

"Bella, I don't have time to talk, Edward will be able to hear me soon. It's up to you now. I've done all I can do to set you both on the right path. Be strong like I know you can. I love you, and please believe me, even though I know that it doesn't feel like it just now; it will be okay..."

"Alice!"

"I've got to go, I'm sorry." I don't think I have ever heard Alice is such hurry, and it scares me.

"Oh God." My heart is suddenly in my mouth again with fright, and I don't even know why. Alice's warning fills me with dread, because I honestly don't know if I have any strength left.

I don't have long to wait to receive her reason for the warning. Barely two minutes later a text arrives.

_Bella, love. I don't know if I can do this. I want to come home to you now, but I know that isn't what you need. Please help me do what you need me to do. You've always been my strength. _

_Edward._

Edward, my Edward. The urge to call him back to me is very strong, but I take a deep breath and steady my resolve. This is for him. His comfort and needs. His ability to forgive himself, and heal. My pain right now, means nothing.

I take several more steadying breaths, because if this is going to work, I need to sound calm. It takes me a couple attempts at fumbling through the options on the phone, but I eventually manage to work out how to record something. I press the phone to my chest and let the shiny little device work its magic. With more fumbling around I manage to attach the file to an email and send it back to Edward.

_Edward, _

_Take my heart with you. From the first to the last beat, it's always been yours. Talk to me, please, tell me what you are feeling, explain everything to me so that we can learn to know each other again. Tell me what you miss, tell me what you want, tell me anything, but keep talking to me._

_Love, Bella_

I grab the laptop off my desk and lay it down in front of me on the bed beside the phone, and wait with a new sense of urgency for our conversation to begin. I'm not sure what we are going to say, but I _know_ deep down in my soul that it's the right thing to do, because this time I'm going to fight for Edward. I'm going to fight with everything in me, and I'm going to win, even though I'm fighting this battle for Edward, against himself.

He replies quickly, much to my relief.

_Darling Bella_

_My God, you gift me your heartbeat? The significance of it makes my gifts seem tawdry in comparison. It means everything to me because you are everything. It is a joyful sound to me because it tethers my existence to yours, and marks my time on this earth as consequential._

_As to the rest, you ask me what I miss. Would it be trite of me to say everything, because that is the truth? I can give you examples, but to be honest it feels rather like offering up one grain of sand when the whole Sahara Desert would be inadequate to express how I feel. However you asked, so I will try to answer for you, my love. _

_I miss holding you. I miss the silence of your mind and the conversations that I can have with you by simply looking at the shifting expressions on your beautiful face. I miss the feeling of your hair against my hand and the softness of your breath against my neck when I hold you sleeping. I miss your wit and stubbornness, and the comfort of having you close. I miss everything Bella, and the absence of you is like a wound that only your return can heal._

_You have given me the strength to leave as you asked, but it's only for you that I could do this. Always, only for you. Thank you for helping me to be who you need me to be. _

_Now it is your turn to talk to me, please. Tell me what you are thinking because I need to know now more than ever._

_I love you._

_Edward_

_X _

If my heart could physically crash its way out of my ribcage, it would be doing it now because it is hammering so hard I can barely breathe. So it is done. I have given him the strength he needs to stay away, despite my heart screaming at me to make him come back.

Eventually, a fragile sort of peace settles over me. It is tempered by my fear of being alone and worry about the conversations we need to have, yet still it brings with it a strange sort of calmness like the stillness before a thunderstorm.

I take my cell phone and start Edward's music playing again quietly, and the sense of calmness increases a little more. I take a deep breath, and then another, before settling myself with the laptop in front of me and respond to his request.

_Edward_

_I don't know if I have the right words to be able to tell you what I am thinking. It's too much and too little to explain all at the same time. Perhaps, instead, I should answer the question I asked you; what I want and need, what I miss. Such complicated questions, but so simple to answer because I miss everything all the time. How we could talk or be silent. How we could just be with each other and let the rest of the world slip away. I wish I had your eloquence to better explain. Perhaps it is enough to simply say; I want that back, I __need__ that back._

_You called yourself an addict once, but I am no better. You are my drug of choice for so many reasons. How you love me, your brilliance, your tender heart and your fierce protectiveness._

_I'm glad you liked my gift, but it is nothing new since my heart has always been yours. You are everything to me in all the ways that matter and the others that don't. I live and breathe for you and, when the time comes, I will die for you without regret._

_I know you don't want to be away from me now, but I never was very good at thinking clearly when I'm close to you. You and your darn ability to dazzle me! You've always been able to take my breath away just by being you, so__ I need to be alone, to figure this out; to figure us out__**. **_

_I know it hurts. Please don't be angry with me. Are you angry with me? Please be honest._

_I love you. _

_Bella_

_Darling Bella_

_You're right, I am frustrated and angry but at myself never you. __I created this situation with my own hands, so how can I be frustrated with you? __You are only doing your best to survive. You ask me what do I want, need and feel?_

_I want you, I need you and I feel the absence of you like an unending ache so deeply rooted in me that I don't know when it began or if it will ever end. It's more than loneliness and more than sorrow. I simply don't know how to exist without you anymore. I was an idiot to think that I ever could, or that it would be any less painful for you. How heinously I have treated your love, my Angel. I truly am a monster._

_You offer me your life so selflessly love, but it is not a sacrifice I would ever ask you to make. I would never ask you to sully yourself by joining me in this life. Despite that, and the difficulties that we face, I am selfish enough to be unable to let you go, because you are my life, Bella, and every part of me down to the bone craves to return to you. _

_No matter how many times I say, "I love you," those words feel hollow in terms of their ability to explain the way I feel about you. Simply put, you own me, body and soul, my love._

_When I left, I denied the truth of my own feelings as much as I did your own. My denial was so deep that I failed to see that you have always been with me. Only once you were gone could I see the fact of it. You have always been a part of me, and I have always waited for you. Once you were born my life began, and when yours ends_, s_o will mine._

_All I want now is to be your Edward again, and for you to be my Bella. Are you still my Bella?_

_Love_

_your Edward x_

Such beautiful words, but he always did have the ability to make eloquence into an art form. Unfortunately, as heartfelt as his words are, the main emotions they bring to life in me at the moment are frustration and anger. Anger, righteous and at the same time unfair, flashes through me because; despite everything, we are still at the same point.

_Impasse. _The word dances through my mind leaving behind a lingering pain like the fear that remains after a vivid nightmare, or the emotional sting of a hurtful comment.

I knew, intellectually, where we stood before we began this conversation. At the end of the day, how could I not know, after Jasper and Alice's insights were added to my own? It is the reason why we are trying to talk now, but having the truth thrust straight in my face while Edward is doing his best to beg for my forgiveness still stings.

They way he sees me, _hurts_. I am not an angel, virtuously hidden high in the heavens, safe from the clutches of the monster, or devil, he believes himself to be. I'm just Bella, the girl who loves Edward. As hard as I am trying to get down from the pedestal he has put me on, he is fighting to raise me even higher out of reach.

How _dare_ he call himself a monster? How dare he feel so little about himself, when he is the whole world to me? How dare he reject the offer of my _last breath_, and dismiss the subject of my change, and along with it his own life, with six little words. I see the end of my life as a beginning _with him. _He sees it and as an ending, _without me._

How can he consider the life that Carlisle has tried to provide for his family as something that would pollute my own - as though he and his family were some dirty, corrupting influence to be avoided? I don't believe that anyone of good conscience could look at the Cullens, see the struggles that they go through every day just to _be better, _and not be inspired by them. But Edward thinks they are not good enough for me; how funny. I've always seen it as the opposite way;_ I'm_ not good enough for _them_. After they left it seemed to become even truer because it provedI was unworthy of their affection.

Are we like the sun and the moon, never destined to come together except for beautiful, but fleeting moments during an eclipse? With two so diagonally opposing views, how are we to progress?

_I can't stand this!_

I try to calm myself again, but the feelings of anger, fed by my fear and frustration, only grow. I doubt my own ability to reply to him in a balanced way. So I stall for some time and the patience to say what needs to be said instead of what the anger wants me to say right now.

Ten minutes slip by, and my email chimes while I am trying to move metaphorical mountains and calm down. It is an email from Edward that simply says, "Bella, love?" Feeling cornered, I type a rapid response back, knowing too well that my complete silence will only send him into an even deeper spiral of despair.

_I need a minute, Edward. Words are actually failing me at the moment. Let me think about what to say in reply. Please, just wait. Any response from me right now would not be good._

Another thirty minutes pass, but I still can't seem to find the right words to express the complexity of what I am feeling. Anger coloured with disappointment and frustration taints every email I start and delete. Four attempts later, I feel like flinging the expensive laptop across the room.

_This is too damn hard, Alice! Shouting at him in person would have been so much easier than this._ I think furiously, and jump off my bed to begin pacing around my room trying to vent some of my annoyance with movement.

When my cell phone rings, I jump, and rush to answer it.

"Hello?" I say, in too much of a hurry to check the caller id, but half expecting it to be Alice.

"Bella, is everything okay?" Emmett asks, his voice sounding boomingly loud through the handset.

"What happened?" I snap panicking.

"I was rather hoping you could tell me. Edward just smashed his phone and stormed off. Alice and Esme have gone after him, what the hell happened, Bella?"

_Shit, what have I done?_

"I don't know... how to explain..." I reply, all of the anger draining out of me. "How is he?"

"Moody."

"I mean, _how_ is he?"

"He's Moody-ward?" Emmett chuckles at his little joke.

"Emmett!"

"Okay, okay, don't shoot the messenger. The females of this family are only allowed to be annoyed with one Cullen brother at a time, it's a family rule. Alice is already pissy enough at Edward right now for more than one of you."

I groan loudly. "Emmett, please!"

"He's been up a tree moody, on a rock moody and on the ground moody! What more can I say?"

"I hate this."

"He misses you, Bella, but you already knew that. He isn't talking much and hasn't hunted yet. Is that what you wanted to know?"

"How can this be better?" I whisper to myself, trying to regain my earlier confidence in Alice's advice.

"Hmm, "Emmett hums to himself. "Am I sensing the hand of Alice in this?" I sigh without replying directly, and Emmett chuckles. "Well, I guess if the all-knowing-one has set this up, we're just going to have to let it play out."

"I don't know what I'm doing, Emmett."

"It will be okay, Bella. Edward knows he's screwed things up but he doesn't know how to sort it out. Edward not knowing what to do is a first for all of us, never mind him," Emmett replies with another wry chuckle.

_He's scared - just as scared as me. Could it be that simple?_

"He's scared..."

I don't realise that I have I spoken my thoughts out loud, until Emmett grunts his agreement, "I think that's a pretty fair assessment, Bella."

"Please, Emmett, can you do anything?"

"Send him home to you hungry you mean? I'm kidding! Don't worry, I'm all over it. I'll look after him for you as much as he'll let me. But you do know, in the end, all he wants is to be home with you. You need to talk to him."

"That's a bit difficult without a phone, don't you think?" Despite my best efforts, there is a faint trace of sarcasm in my voice, and Emmett sniggers at my tone. I need to get a grip, being angry isn't helping either of us.

"Don't worry, I'll give him mine. Anyway, we may both be underestimating little Miss Alice. She probably packed supplies."

"Thanks, Emmett, this means a lot to me."

"You're welcome little sis, always. I'd better go before I get overheard by a certain depressed-ward. Bye for now, Bella." He hangs up on me, but follows up on his promise with a text.

_Little Sis, don't worry. I will keep an eye on his moody ass for you and bring him back in at least one piece. Em._

A text message almost immediately arrives from Alice containing a new phone number and a rebuke.

_You doubt my abilities? I'm almost insulted! Emmett is with Edward now. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Love, Alice_

I turn my attention back to my reply, and find it easier to concentrate now that I know Emmett is watching over Edward for me. My new focus allows me to filter out most of the anger from my words. At least, I hope it does. I start off simply.

_Edward_

_Tell me what you are thinking about, please. I want to understand, but I'm finding it hard._

_Love_

_Bella_

_X_

This time it is my turn to wait for a reply and 35 miserable minutes tick by before his response appears on my email. My fingers are shaking when I click to open it.

_Loving grace falls from your lips_

_Mind, heart and soul mirror_

_Effortless_

_Yet none can hide your twist of pain_

_Soft flame of anxious anger, created by a monster._

_Past to present lost?_

_100 years have passed, and 100 more may too_

_Waiting, working praying for your forgiveness_

_But none can hide in me_

_Loud cry of anxious guilt, nurtured by a monster_

_Present to past hoping._

_A wish for you to know the man._

_He would have loved you too._

_Has loved you in lifetimes past._

_Fairytale written, fable come to pass._

_How else could it be?_

_That an angel fell in love with a monster?_

_Prostrate at your feet I wait._

_Words insufficiently expressed to soften my fate._

_You have my heart, it never left._

_Please let it beat for two._

_Forgive this wretched monster._

_My words for you. Everything I am thinking right now. _

_You are the only peace I've ever known in this world and the only home I will ever want. __I'm so sorry, Bella, more sorry than I can every adequately express with words. Most of all, I am sorry that I ever caused you to doubt the depth of my feelings for you. _

_Love_

_Edward_

_P.s. I'm a temperamental idiot, please forgive me._

_My Edward_

_Because you are, and always will be __my Edward.__ You are a temperamental idiot, but you're my idiot, so you are of course forgiven._

_You upset me, Edward, not because of the decision you made in the past, but because of the way you are reacting now. You are not a monster, and I am not some flawless angel. Can't you see? I'm just a girl who loves a boy more than anything else in the world._

_We are both flawed, fallible people. I don't want you prostrate at my feet. I only want you, standing by my side as an equal. We have so much to talk about, more than can perhaps be covered in these notes, but I need you to understand one thing; I forgive you. I forgave you before you ever returned, and will always forgive you. Please understand._

_You say that you needed me before you knew me and before I was even born. In the deepest, most secret and silent parts of my heart I always knew this to be true. Perhaps I waited to be born to be with you. Perhaps I have been born over and over again trying to return to you, Edward Masen or Edward Cullen. I don't care which. I love the man and the vampire, because you are the same to me._

_It doesn't matter to me which theory is true, I only know that you are my soul and will be until the world burns around us and there is nowhere left to stand together. Then we will go into the beyond together or end together. Always together._

_I love you. Please don't every doubt that, and don't ever tell me that you don't deserve that love._

_I want you to love me for what I am, as I love you. As you have already shown, Elizabeth Barratt Browning, says it so much better than I can. Please try to understand, you will never be a monster to me, and I do see you for who you are, and always have._

_Love_

_your Bella._

_If thou must love me, let it be for nought_

_Except for love's sake only. Do not say_

_'I love her for her smile---her look---her way_

_Of speaking gently,---for a trick of thought_

_That falls in well with mine, and certes brought_

_A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'---_

_For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may_

_Be changed, or change for thee,---and love, so wrought,_

_May be unwrought so. Neither love me for_

_Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,---_

_A creature might forget to weep, who bore_

_Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!_

_But love me for love's sake, that evermore_

_Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity._

(Sonnets from the Portuguese, XIV - Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

I'm grateful when his reply comes quickly.

_My Bella_

_You humble me, my love. I will try, for us both. I want to be able to settle the tension between us. I want to come home to you with my heart whole again. __Please help me. I don't know where to starts or what to say to make things right between us again.__ I've made such a god-awful mess of this. _

_Love, your Edward._

I smile at his reply, I just can't help myself. He's going to try for 'us both', not for me, but for us. It's all I want, and I'm pretty sure, exactly what we need. 'Your Edward', there is a possessive ring to it that thrills me to the core, and I feel my earlier calmness return like a welcome friend.

I try to organise my thoughts to find the _right_ place to start, as if there might be some sort of golden topic to set us on our way. I know that I'm being ridiculous even before I begin. So instead, I start at the beginning, because, where else is there?

I start with a song, somebody else's talent and words again, and send it to Edward. I imagine him listening to it in the vast emptiness of some forest somewhere and, with that image in my head, begin to type the words I should have been able to say to him on the plane, or after. Or, of course, before he ever left.

What is it that they say? Hindsight is 20-20, _how true_. I am only beginning to understand the extent of my prior innocence and my naive belief the serendipity would see us through. I know better now. Fate is only the start, love needs to be nurtured and worked at, because it is a contradictory creature; beautiful and ugly, protective and hurtful all at the same time.

_My Edward_

_That's all I'm asking for. I'm not sure how to start either, but what we are doing now is a beginning of a sort. So perhaps we have already started._

_I can't seem to find a way to say these things to you that will avoid hurt. I don't want to cause you more pain. Both of us have known too much of that. I wish I could be better at explaining things to avoid that, but I can't. So, I can only be honest and push through the pain to get to a better place._

_So, we start at the start, or at the end, sort of. Well, you know what I mean. My memories of the day you left are still very sharp. They never faded like I think you hoped they might. I held onto them too tightly; so tightly that I think I could quote you word for word._

_The way you left, and the things you said were the most cruel experience of my life, worse because they came from the one person who means most to me in the world. I forgive you, and I even understand why you did it. What I can't quite forgive myself for is letting you do it. For letting you walk away._

_I knew you loved me, but I let you destroy my certainty of my love for you with a few well-chosen words. I let you destroy us, and I will hate myself for it forever, but I won't let you do that to us again. Whatever strength I need to find to fight you if there is a next time, I will find it._

_I want to understand what it was like for you. How you could let our love get so twisted up in your own head, that you felt the need to destroy us to save me? _

_Please talk to me, tell me everything. I can take it. To be honest, the only thing I don't think I can take is never knowing the truth._

_Please Edward, help me understand._

_Love_

_Bella_

_Darling Bella_

_Any pain I may feel is richly deserved, so I welcome it. I guess that isn't something you want to hear, but you asked for honestly, and I want to give you everything you need._

_You ask how I could destroy the most important thing in my existence. I'm not sure how I managed it, though I suppose it began because the incident with Jasper confirmed what I thought I had already known; that I should never have been in your life in the first place._

_When we first found each other, right from the very start, it was so easy to wrap my life around yours, but I never really felt I had the right to bring you into my life in the same way. Your presence offered me a life full of promise what could mine offer you except death?_

_Jasper's instinctive actions merely proved a point I had been running from. Everything else afterwards was about protecting you from further danger. At least that was how it seemed inside my own head at the time. The thought that I could have lost you because of a paper cut, numbed me to the core. I thought I couldn't live without you, but perhaps you could without me. The more I thought about it, the better an option it seemed, and the more my resolve shifted towards letting you go for your own good. _

_Believe me, love, at the start I was completely unresolved, it took a night of introspection and hearing your own fears through your dreams to convince me. Hearing you beg for me to "forgive you" for making Jasper attack you. You saying that you would try "harder to be better". _My heart broke a little more each time you said it_. It was all in your dreams, your simple unguarded unconscious thoughts. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed was hurting you by staying. So I planned how to fight against myself and leave. _

_In the end it was my own doubts about how little I had to offer you which gave me the push I needed at the time. In my own head, it became so clear at the end. Just what could I offer you? You deserved better, I concluded. Someone who could touch you like a lover, without worrying about crushing you or losing control. Someone who could grow up with you, lay down roots and start a family. Grow old with you. You deserved all of these things that I could not give you, and so much more._

_I went home, and confronted the family, Jasper in particular, but my anger was focused at the wrong person. I was most furious with myself and what I saw as my selfish inability to leave you alone in the first place. I went to Carlisle first, because I knew I could persuade him to bend to my request for them to leave. With Carlisle on my side, the rest would follow. Alice wasn't so easy. She fought for you with everything she had in her, for hours and hours. It was agonising. _

_In the end I was as cruel to her as I was to you. I told her I would leave anyway, whether she left you alone or not. That she would hurt you more by staying, because she would be reminding you of what you had lost. I played on her own insecurities, particularly her lack of memories of being human. I persuaded her that human memories where fleeting. That you would hurt for a time, then heal, but if she remained for her own selfish reasons your pain would last for longer. That she would cause you regret. In the face of that – your pain – she capitulated, cursing me even as she surrendered to what I was making inevitable. I stole her sister from her, and then left to obliterate what remained of my own heart._

_The rest, for the most part, you know of first hand. I wore my pompous righteousness like a cloak of ignorance, so convinced that I knew what was better for you, and set about destroying the best thing that had ever happened to me, and with it I destroy myself at the same time. And you believed me, ever vile poisonous lie which left my lips, you believed. I'd prepared for a protracted argument, imagined you would fight me for hours, but within a few minutes it was over. We were broken._

_From the moment I turned my back on you I ran, I don't think I had a clear thought inside my head until Carlisle found me hours later near the Canadian border. I simply ran in a straight line, and didn't stop until I came back to myself with the thought that it was getting dark, and you would be getting tired. _

_Then the stupid, inane thoughts started. Were you cold, hungry? Safe back at the house? Would Charlie be home with you? Would you turn to him for comfort? Were you cursing my name, hating me? They went on and on. All I could think of was you, and with each thought, the need to run back to you grew stronger, and louder, and harder to ignore._

_Carlisle found me later that night sitting at the foot of a cliff. Alice told him where to find me. He brought my car, id and clothes. He never said a word to me, not one, but I could see the pity in his eyes, and I couldn't bear it. I left that night to hunt Victoria. It was the only thing I could focus on, because when I stopped actively protecting you from her, it was like I stopped being, and the thoughts would come back again. Each time louder and more insistent than before._

_So many memories of you, your face; smiling, thoughtful, fearful, asleep. At peace in the meadow one afternoon when we were together. Scared, and pained in the ballet study when James' filthy venom was burning its way through you. Worst of all, broken and blank, when I walked away from you in the forest, and you believed my lies. I was hollow, an empty vessel except for my memories of you. _

_The family tried to connect with me to persuade me to return to them at least, but I couldn't see the point. Without you I was a fractured mess, unworthy of their company and unable to comprehend why they would want to be with me. So I carried on alone. I wandered, rootless and lost. Tracking, and failing to find Victoria, wallowing in memories, and drowning a bit more each day without you._

_Then Rosalie called, and my world came to a stop, and there was nothing more to live for. I had failed you in all the ways possible. I failed to stay and love you, failed to leave you safe and able to have a normal, happy life. I was damned to walk this world alone, but unwilling to suffer that fate despite the fact that I deserved it. So I decided to try to follow you, hoping that if there is a merciful God, I might be able to know you again, or at least know you were safe, wherever you might be. But you, my brave love, came to save me from my foolish self, and I had a reason to live again._

_Does this help, love? Is this what you need to know? Can I be selfish enough to ask what it was like for you? Please talk to me love; I couldn't bear it if you left me in silence now, when we are so far apart._

_Love_

_Edward._

It breaks my heart to realise it was my own, sleeping words that pushed him toward his final decision. For me, it is just more evidence of how broken we were even before he left. So much was left unsaid between us because of fear, and those fears festered away - left alone in the dark as they were - like over ripened fruit in a cupboard.

I can almost feel his hesitation within his words, threaded together as they are like a complex tapestry with his remorse, doubt and self loathing. I understand, in this moment, these are all of the things that I need Edward to set aside, so that he can come back to me whole. _But how?_

If Edward, with all of his years of experience, lifetimes of living, and brilliance doesn't know how to make us work, how am I, the most ordinary of ordinary girls, supposed to be able to help? My doubts slam into my suddenly, and for the first time I wonder if I can, and wonder what it might mean for us.

The familiar spectre of uncertainties crowds in on me. Why does he love me? How can I ever be _enough_ to make him want to stay? I'm not particularly smart or beautiful, have no particularly talents or gifts. I'm just me, plain old Isabella Swan. Daughter of Charlie and Renee, with 18 years on the planet and I have yet to leave my foot print on the world.

Doubt, anger, fear, sorrow, all shoot through me, and I force myself to breath slowly to calm down. As usual there is too much churning around inside my head and the strain of it makes it difficult to focus.

_Pick an emotion, Bella and stick with it..._ In the end I focus on doubt, because it seems to be the strongest. Before I can stop to think about it, my fingers are pressing the string of numbers that Alice texted me. I need a dose of confidence, and Edward is the only person who has ever been able to give that to me because he makes me feel special, beautiful and needed, and I need to hear him speak right now. The distance is too much, I need our connection to get through this, even if it is only through a phone line.

I understand now why Alice kept cautioning me to 'stay strong', I think this is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am going to do it whatever my doubts might be.

The phone barely rings once before it is answered. "Edward?" I ask timidly.

"_Bella_," he groans my name like he is in pain. "Bella, love, it's so good to hear you say my name again. Please, say it again for me, please."

"Edward," I reply as he requested, but his name comes out as a half choked sob.

"I love you, I'm sorry, so sorry..."

"I love you too." I reply, taking comfort from the depth of emotion in his voice, but it breaks my heart to hear his stress.

"Oh, Bella... Bella, love..."

His unanswered question stands between us; '...what it was like for you...'.

"I won't lie, it nearly killed me," I whisper. I have to force the admission past my reluctant lips. "What you said to me in the forest was like my worst nightmare spoken out loud. What made it even more unbearable was that it was you who was speaking those words. It was like you confirmed every doubt I had ever had, and then elaborated on them so they hurt just that little bit more.

"Afterwards, I tried to follow you, it was stupid I know, but I couldn't stand to leave it there. Each time I shouted your name, and you didn't answer, or I fell over some root, or stone, and you weren't there to pick me up, my heart shattered all over again, because it highlighted that you didn't feel enough for me anymore to care to be there. It was _agony_, but fool that I was I kept getting back up, and I kept shouting out to you, but you never came back."

I rub a shaking hand across my face, and realise that I am crying when it comes away wet. "You left me there on my own, how could you do that Edward?" I demand, choking back the sound of my building sobs with difficulty. "How could you walk away from me like that, knowing how much pain I was in?"

"Jesus, Bella." His voice is a choked, gravelly whisper heavy with guilt. "I didn't 'walk away' from you, love, I ran away with the all the speed that I could muster and bled inside with each step I took."

I remember easily the point at which my body gave out on me even though my heart and mind were still screaming out to Edward. How the crushed, wet leaves felt under my face, and the smell of soil and decay all around me as I lay curled up in a ball on the forest floor. I passed hours like that, laying still on the ground, trying to make my exhausted body respond to my demands to get up and keep moving, and failing again and again until eventually I could not try anymore. How for a few seconds, in that moment, my mind had been crystal clear, and so focused. All the panic stricken need to find Edward disappeared, and the only truth I had left was that he was_ gone. _I had nothing left at that point except a desire to melt into the dank, frigid earth underneath me and disappear.

"I was alone, in the forest, Edward. It was dark, and cold and wet. Eventually I fell down one too many times, and didn't try to get up again. I had no will left to get back up, and all I wanted to do was disappear because it hurt too much."

I can hear Edward pacing, and the harsh sound of his breathing from his end of the call.

"Why can't you hate me, Bella? It would be richly deserved!" he growls, his voice full of self loathing. "Why do you still love me, when I am unworthy of you in too many ways?"

"Is that what you want, Edward? For me to hate you so you can hate yourself just a little bit more? I'm sorry, but I don't hate you, I love you as much as ever did, and that isn't ever going to change. But I don't understand the choices you made, Edward, and I need to understand. How could you leave me in the forest like that, alone and vulnerable? Why there, why not at Charlie's house, or any one of a thousand places?"

"Because I'm a coward, Bella. I needed a place from where I could disappear quickly, for myself not you, because I knew that if I hesitated for even one second at the point I had to leave, I would fail to go. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt. The forest was the simplest choice."

He hesitates for several seconds, as though trying to decide what to say, and I hear him sigh raggedly, and then mutter something harshly under his breath.

"Edward?"

"You were never alone, Bella."

"What do you mean?"

"Rosalie was with you all the time. Even though I was too weak to be able to stay with you myself, I still could not bear the idea of you being alone, so I asked Rosalie to stay with you and watch you from a distance."

Rosalie witnessed every second of my desperate pleas, and eventual breakdown. Rosalie who has never made any secret of her dislike for me, stayed and watched me be destroyed from a distance. To be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about that. Should I be pleased he didn't leave me alone, or humiliated that he left a witness to see one of the most vulnerable and intensely hurtful moments of my life? I can see the sense of his choice, who else could he have asked except Rosalie?

"She carried out her task exactly as you asked, Edward, I never had any idea anyone was with me."

"Bella..."

"No, Edward. You had your chance to talk, it's my turn now. You asked me a question and I am going to answered it," I say flatly.

"Sorry, go on, love."

"I don't really know how to describe the next part. I existed in such a fog much of it is unclear to me. It was like I was a container of some kind, and the container was only was half full of my life when I came to Forks, not that I was lacking anything exactly, but I had room for something more. Then I met you, and you filled up all the empty space that was left. When you left you took everything with you; there was nothing left in me. I continued to be empty for a long time.

"People around me worried, and tried to help. Mostly I ignored them, or didn't notice. Dr Garundy prescribed pills which I never took. Charlie called Renee to come and get me, and I refused to go. Even people at school tried to reach me for a while."

"I think Mike and Angela among my friends had tried the hardest. Eventually everybody turned their backs on me; I was all alone, physically and emotionally.

"Then, one day I sort of woke up. Not in a good way. Not in a way that Charlie wanted to see, but I came back to myself one day when Charlie was driving back from yet another pointless appointment with Dr Garundy.

"Charlie turned the radio on in the cruiser for once. I guess even he couldn't stand the silence anymore, because I didn't have anything to say as usual. It was on some classic rock station playing... love songs." I stumble over the words remembering how the lyrics had pierced by protective numbness and dragged me back to painful awareness. Fighting against a new rush of tear caused by this memory, I suddenly realise there is absolutely no sound coming from my phone anymore, not even breathing.

"Edward?" I ask, panicking.

"I'm listening, love," he replies quietly, his voice strangely emotionless.

"I just couldn't stand it; the words and the memories that came with the music, so I made him switch it off."

I remember how I screamed at Charlie to switch of the channel. He must have thought I was even madder than usual. I decide to spare Edward those details.

"When I got home I went through the entire house and destroyed anything of mine that involved music. I threw away my CD's, wiped my IPOD, pulled the stereo out of the car. It all had to go.

"If it had been up to me, I would have stayed numb, but after my _episode_ in the cruiser, Charlie tried again to send me back to Renee. He let me see the effect my behaviour, or lack of behaviour was having on him, so I had to wake up. Or at least try for him. So I tried my best to act normal for him and to do ordinary teenage things.

"I arranged to go out with Jessica for the first time in months. We ran into a bunch of men outside of a bar in Port Angeles. It was a familiar scene to me, and for some reason I found myself walking towards them. I should have felt threatened, but all I wanted to do was relive a memory for the first time since you left. I wanted to feel something. It was madness, just of a different kind. Then, as I walked towards them, when I should have been running away, I heard your voice, inside my head. You were _so _furious with me, and it felt wonderful. For a few brief seconds you were with me, and I was properly awake. I assumed I was hallucinating in some way, but I found when I risked myself, I could hear you again. When I heard your voice was the only time I really managed to feel anything. After the numbness I came to crave it, and the more stupid and reckless I became, the clearer I heard you.

"One day I found the motor bikes, and they lead me to Jacob. In him, I found something and somebody else to pour myself into. Hearing your voice and spending time with Jacob helped me keep the numbness away for a while."

"You don't have to tell me if it's too hard, Bella," he says softly. Edward's breathing is suddenly ragged down the phone, and I wonder pitilessly; _hard for who?_

I don't want to stop now, in fact, I'm not sure I could if I tried. I want to shine a light on all of our issues, so I carry on with the truth mercilessly.

"Jacob tried his best to stick me back together again, and along the way fell in love with me, for which I'm sorry, because I never returned the feeling in the same way. I love him because he was my safe harbour, through the darkest of times, my best friend, but I never allowed him into my heart because it was gone and with you, wherever you were, so I had nothing left to love him with.

"He deserved better, but I didn't have it in me to let him go, or give him more of me than I already had. After his... I don't know the word for it – transformation? He pulled away from me for a while, but eventually I learned about the wolf pack, and he found out about Victoria.

"Despite all Jake tried to give me, it wasn't enough to keep the numbness away, so I decided to try cliff jumping." I laugh humourlessly. "We both know how well that worked out."

"Bella, when you jumped from the cliff, where you trying..."

I cut him off abruptly. "To end myself? No, honestly no. That wasn't my intention when I stepped off the cliff, but there was a moment in the water, when I almost gave up, but Jacob was there to save me from myself yet again.

"After the cliff diving episode, Alice came, and I left Jake without a second thought, because you were all I could think about even after all that had happened. You know the rest." I come to the end of my story feeling strangely calm, and wait patiently for Edward's reaction.

He groans softly, and it is a painful wretched noise which the phone delivers to me with crystal clarity in spite of the distance between us. "What can I say, Bella. I have hurt you in every way possible and you still love me? I can't pretend to understand why I deserve your mercy, but I need it. I honestly don't know how we get over this, Bella. I've treated you in the most cruel, hateful way possible, and I can see how it has affected you. I swear, _I swear_ I will never do anything again that will make you doubt the way I feel about you."

"That's the thing though, isn't it?" I muse. "Our doubts. It was my doubts that let you walk away from me in the forest in the first place, and your doubts that drove you to do what you did."

He makes another wretchedly painful noise under his breath that is half sigh and half moan, and I hear the crunching of leaves as he begins pacing again. I can imagine the way his ochre eyes will have darkened with his anxiety, and how he will be running his fingers through his hair with agitation. How pained he must look; it makes me want to weep.

"But we have to get over it, as you said," he says quietly.

"Maybe we aren't supposed to get over it..."

"Bella, no..." his denial is quick, and urgently spoken.

"Edward, _shhh_, I am here, okay, I'm not going anywhere." I try to sooth him as best I can with my voice, but ache because I'm not there in person to offer physical comfort as well.

"Edward, listen to me please. What I was trying to say is that, maybe we are supposed to let it become part of us, the best parts of it at least."

"What in any of this appalling, confusion of pain that I have created, could be given the title of 'best part'?" he asks.

"The _part_ that led us back to each other. The _part_ that got us to realise the problems in our relationship, and brought us to here, now, to work on together .The _part_ that has us together, and lets me tell you how much I love you_!" _

My fingers clench and unclench into fists with tension. If we had been together, this is when I would push my mouth against his with more ferocity than finesse, to try to make my point, and to provide a physical connection for us both.

"I wish I was with you right now," I say, voicing my wants. "Being apart from you now, is probably the hardest thing I have ever done."

"As do I. I love you, Bella, you are my world," he murmurs, and his reply makes me smile. I make myself continue the point I was making, because I _need_ him to believe this more than anything else.

"All of those parts, and more, are so important. Don't you see, you have to let yourself take the good out of the bad to let us heal. That's what you need to do for us," I say urgently. "Not just for us, for yourself _as well_."

"I don't deserve to _heal_..." The self loathing is back in his voice.

"Don't you dare tell me that, "I growl at him, surprising myself with the fierceness in my voice. "Today is not a day for rehashing the past. Today is a day for making a future. I won't let your natural inclination to wallow, pull us back. I can't, we've got to move past this. So don't you dare try!" He is silent for several seconds, and I wait tensely for his reply.

"You're so little, and so gentle, how did you get to be wiser than a hundred and nine year old vampire?" Edward replies in a softly indulgent voice which is full of confusion and oddly, humour. "Another woman in my life that knows me too well."

"Who..." I begin to ask, and then answer my own question, "_Alice."_

"I believe her advice was that I should un-nail myself from the emotionally indulgent crucifix I was attached to, and come back and deal with reality."

"Is that a bad thing – knowing you too well?" I ask carefully.

"No, not at all. I think I'm going to need all the help I can get to do that for you. I don't think I know how to do it on my own, or would want to ever try without you."

"To do what?" I press, needing to hear the words come from his lips to be able to believe them.

"To be able to forgive myself, for the mistakes I've made and the heartache I've caused." He stumbles slightly on the word _forgive_, but I can hear the honesty in his words.

"That's all I'm asking for, and I know it is a big demand. I know how you need to protect me, and hold yourself to an impossible standard of fault when you think you have failed, but I want to protect you too. In this case, from yourself. It's all I want." I take a large, steadying breath. "I've grown up a lot since you left, for the better I hope. Well, at least I can say that I'm not naive enough to know that it will not be difficult, and painful and messy, but I want that for you so much, Edward.

"Another thing I took from you; your innocence."

"We all have to grow up, Edward, even eternal seventeen year olds."

He laughs darkly. "Point well made again, love. I will do my best for you, I promise. I won't fail you again."

"Yes you will Edward, because that's what happens between people, and I will too, but the difference has to be that we fail and recover _together."_

I understand this too well. We have plenty of bumps in the road, and subjects that need to be broached. The Volturi, Victoria, my change – the list goes on and on, but I have growing confidence that we will be able to talk about them.

"Again true, but it won't stop me trying my best not to put us in that situation in the first place."

"Okay, but what I need most from you is your love, trust and honesty. I need you to believe I am strong enough to face anything as long as we are together, because it's the truth. I love you, and you are all I need to be happy."

"The way you love me is humbling, Bella. Thank you."

"Thank you for loving me back."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Edward asks his voice shaky.

"You waited 109 years, isn't that enough?" I reply gently. I've only had to wait 17 years, it seems to me I've had the easier journey in that respect.

I collapse back onto my bed with suddenly weak legs, as I feel some of the adrenaline fuel strength leave me, along with a little of my earlier tension.

"God, this has been such a long night," I groan. I am suddenly filled with the desire to know how he looks like and what he is doing right now, for comfort. "Where are you right now?"

"In Canada, sitting under a tree, out of range from the others, and missing you horribly," he replies. "But I suspect you already knew that via Alice. What about you?"

"I'm lying on my bed in Forks, wearing your shirt over my pyjamas, missing you horribly. Didn't Alice let you know?" I tease, but his reply makes me grimace.

"She let me know, but not intentionally."

It would be so easy to call him back to me now, but I can't because he has more bridges to mend today. Unable to stop myself, I yawn loudly.

"Are you tired?"

"More so than I have ever been in my life," I reply honestly.

"Can't you sleep, love, for me?"

I consider his request while looking at my bed doubtfully. I'm not sure how to explain to him why I don't want to sleep without him here, because - god knows - I am more than exhausted enough to need more sleep.

"I don't want to, Edward."

"Why, love?"

"Because you're not here," I reply, but add silently to myself; _because I'm scared I will wake up and believe this is all a dream, and it will break me._

"I can come back if you want." There is a hint of longing in his voice that and it touches upon my own ache for him, resulting in a pang of loneliness which makes me catch my breath.

"You know I want you here with me more than anything else, but you still have things to do. You and Alice need to talk."

"Bella..."

"Edward, please. It's so important to me that you two try to build bridges."

"And it's important for me to know that you are safe and looking after yourself." His voice becomes low, and softly pleading and I melt. "I need to know that. Let me hear your heart slow, your breath come softly from your beautiful lips. I want to know you are safe with me watching over you, even if I can't be with you in person. I need to feel that again, Bella. It's been too long..._please."_

I understand his need completely, he wants to connect like we used to. Falling asleep in his arms at night and waking up in the morning to a softness in his golden eyes that I always considered to be only for me is something I have missed terribly. To be vulnerable and trusting in his arms again; _how I crave that._ Knowing how much I want, and need it, how can I deny Edward?

"Okay, I'll try."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

"But afterwards, when I'm asleep, you have to promise that you will go and thrash it out with Alice."

"I can 'thrash it out', with her. _Really_?" For the first time in a long time I hear humour in his voice, and it makes me happy.

"Whatever works," I reply pithily, "but I'm still betting on Alice." He chuckles. Suddenly I am stifling a yawn so wide that my jaw almost cracks.

"Bedtime for my darling, Bella," Edward murmurs, and his voice is so deep, and velvety that I actually blush.

"My Bella," I reply. "I like that."

"As do I."

I climb stiffly into bed, pull the covers up to my shoulders, and lay down on my side with the phone against my ear.

"My Edward," I say, trying the sound of the words out, and finding that they fit _perfectly._

"You have no idea how much it pleases me to hear you say that, Bella." I snuggle down into the bed and grin widely at the satisfaction in his voice, he is almost purring with it.

"Are you lying down, love?"

"Yes."

He calls me back using some sort of technical wizardry that means when he hangs up, the call will end for us both. I have no clue what he is doing, but follow his instructions to the letter until we are talking again.

"Bella?"

"I'm here."

"Put the phone on speaker and lay it down beside you. Ahh, my Bella. You have no idea how much I have missed this."

I think I do, more than I believe he will ever understand.

"Should I sing to you, my heart, let my voice lull you to sleep so that I can have the pleasure of hearing your slumbering while I imagine having my arms around you? When I come home to you, I am going to hold you in my arms, and never let you go again."

My breath hitches at the image his silky voice evokes, and he laughs softly before beginning to hum my lullaby in his beautiful baritone voice. In between humming he talks in the softest of voices. Telling me how much he loves and misses me, how he will never leave, and other promises of our future together. Held secure in the tender warmth of his words I drift to sleep.

Story Note

Bella's song to Edward is "Talking a Dead Language" by Joy Williams. It's very moving, and could be regarded as something of an anthem for this story. While I keep stating that this is not a song fic, I couldn't resist posting the lyrics, because they are very relevant in my humble opinion.

_We built a tall, tall tower  
towards the sun, towards the sun  
took some words and built a wall  
between our love, between our love_

_And somewhere in all the talking  
the meaning faded out_

_Oh I wonder  
when did it all stop making sense  
I don't understand  
cuz I remember  
we were so sure, so innocent  
oh but that was then  
can we ever go back again  
can we ever go back again_

_You're Speaking a dead, dead language  
you don't sound like yourself  
I hope it's just lost in translation  
why don't you show, don't try to tell_

_Brick by brick we started crumbling  
if we don't stop, it's gonna fall_

_Oh I wonder  
when did it all stop making sense  
I don't understand  
cuz I remember  
we were so sure, so innocent  
o but that was then  
can we ever go back again  
can we ever go back again_

_Hold your breath  
look around  
try to add it up  
pin it down  
but you can't_

_Oh I wonder  
when did it all stop making sense  
I don't understand  
cuz I remember  
we were so sure, so innocent  
oh but that was then  
can we ever go back again  
can we ever go back again_

Talking a Dead Language - Joy Williams


	15. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

The ghost of his laughter against the skin of my neck sends shivering sensations up and down my spine. His fingers follow the shivers, tracing each of my vertebrae one by tingling one, down to the small of my back where they linger to tease the dimples at the base, then inch by slow increments up again. Up and down, up and down, until I am half crazy with the feeling.

I whimper needily and press back against him, forcing the bare skin of my back into contact with the lithe, defined contours of his chest. He laughs again, a soft smoky sound in response and his fingers, unable to continue with the torture of my back, drift to the skin above my hips bones. There he starts the gossamer soft stroking again, in circles this time, and my stomach clenches in reaction.

When I can't help but squirm against him, he laughs and his hands begin to drift up my sides. I should have known that he would have the upper hand in this. I mean, _doesn't he normally?_ The thought cuts off abruptly along with my breathing as his fingers hover with aching slowness on the underside of my breasts. Here they hover, but make no further progress. He is teasing me again.

"Edward," I whine, as much to say his name as to hear his reply.

"Yes, love?" he says against my ear, before pulling back.

"Edward!" I protest the loss of contact with his chest, and he chuckles as his mouth sets off on the path that his fingers traced earlier. Cool, soft kisses anoint my skin in a trail down my spine. His mouth lingers on the small of my back, placing tiny little kisses into the dimples where his fingers previously teased.

I gasp when I feel his tongue retrace the path that his lips took, a slow meandering path, until he reaches the side of my neck. Unable to stand this level of sensation without moving, my back arches. I am hopelessly unable to smother the groan that escapes my lips, or the way my body flexes to be in tighter contact with his. His answering groan is a soft feral noise breathed against the skin of my neck.

I try to roll to face him, but his hand on my hip stops and steadies my movement. I am mesmerised into stillness as his large, strong hand tightens against my hip, before sliding down towards my knee, over my calf then back up my thigh.

"Uugh!"

I jerk in reaction as his hands almost, but not quite, climb to between my thighs. Edward's long fingers linger there, stroking restlessly like he is waiting for something. I want to turn around desperately and can't. There is something dangerous and exciting about being held against him like this, hearing and feeling his uneven breathing, and knowing it is me who's causing his response.

"What do you need, Bella?" he asks, honey toned but with an underlying urgency that I don't miss. I'm not the only one who is losing control here.

Rather than vocalise my response, I let my body speak for me and undulate my hips back against the cradle of his. A thrill of illicit expectation curls in my stomach when his body answers with an upwards flexing of his hips and a soft growl.

The muscles of his chest shift like steel under silk when I jerk back against him, taking back the contact that he denied me earlier. I smile when I feel his hand return to my hip to pull me tighter to him. Shifting my hips again experimentally, I moan softly when he again mirrors the movement and hisses. Feeling for the first time the evidence of his arousal against me, makes me begin to unravel deliciously and respond with another thrust, and a twist of my hips as I seek the friction I instinctively need.

"Bella," he groans my name, and I answer with a groan of my own, but his hands are suddenly clamped against my hips, stilling the movement I was enjoying seconds before.

_No, he can't stop now, not when we've managed to go so far... _To finally have this level of intimacy between us only to have him stop is too cruel a loss. _He can't stop there, I won't let him..._

"What do you want, Bella? Tell me," he asks, quiet and commanding.

I tremble against the strength of his body, and I feel my excitement between my thighs as one of his large hands moves to my stomach, pulling me back against him when I tremble again.

"Be still," he murmurs, and I whimper trembling even harder. "Hush, love, hush. Calm down. Talk to me, tell me what you want..."

"You, I need you..." I whisper, feeling the desire for him melt inside my stomach, ready for him. Ready for us to be joined as one finally.

"I know, sweetheart, I know..." he whispers even as he moves away from me, leaving me feeling cold.

I freeze, as realisation comes to me quickly, stilling my automatic response before I have a chance to reach for Edward, or cry his name, because this couldn't be real. Even if Edward was here, he would never allow this level of intimate contact. My mind shies away from the images that the word _intimacy_ creates in my head.

Instead of nightmares waking me up, my own cold logic does the job for me, dragging me back to consciousness and to a hot bed, tangled sheets, and a sense of cheated disappointment.

Frustrated temper flashes through me, and I sit up and thump my hands against the mattress three times, whispering, "damn it, damn it, _damn it!"_

Despite all of our talking today, and last night, this was not a subject we explored. It is one of the 'bumps in the road', which still has to be broached; another of my wants but not one that I have ever been able to express adequately before. My hormones and Edward's control issues, or rather, my control issues and Edward's instincts; adding up to yet another problem between us.

In my naiveté at the beginning of _us_, when Edward told me that we couldn't have that kind of _together_, I had said that for him to simply hold me would be _enough._ Now, with what feels like several lifetimes of experience thrust upon me simply through the absence of him, I am not so sure. Is it enough? Well, I don't have the luxury of that innocence to hide behind anymore, so this is something I have to face.

Intellectually I understand why he sets boundaries, and why he has pushed me away if his carefully drawn rules of engagement are approached. Each and every time he withdrew to a safe polite distance, I understood why, but that didn't stop the tiny sting of rejection, or the dent that my meagre confidence took. Or the way the pain of it lingered like a bruise.

I'm a hypocrite, I realise, because I forced Edward to lay his fears and doubts at my feet in the name of healing us and held back my own. When he asked me what I 'wanted' and 'needed', I never tried to bring up this most taboo of subjects. I am a coward.

_So which is worse, coward or hypocrite?_ I jeer at myself, annoyed by my weakness.

I crawl out of bed to retrieve the laptop, and sit in front waiting impatiently for it to start up. After opening a new email I type quickly with a single purpose in mind, confessing to the needs and wants I could have explained hours ago. I should be picking up the phone and talking to him again, but this subject is little too raw for such a direct approach. _Coward..._

Indirect seems the way to go. Idiot that I am, I'm even blushing while pasting the text of a poem I came across once in book of Renee's into the email. Back then, I thought poem was full of pretty words, but I don't believe I truly grasped the meaning behind the stanzas and verses. Now I think they express the contents of my heart with wrenching honesty.

_Afterwards, when we have slept, paradise-comaed _

_and woken, we lie _

_a long time looking at each other._

_I do not know what he sees, but I see_

_eyes of surpassing tenderness_

_and calm, a calm like the dignity_

_of matter. I love the open ocean_

_blue-grey-green of his iris, I love_

_the curve of it against the white,_

_that curve the sight of what has caused me _

_to come, when he's quite still, deep_

_inside me. I have never seen a curve_

_like that, except the earth from outer_

_space. I don't know where he got_

_his kindness without self-regard,_

_almost without self, and yet_

_he chose one woman, instead of the others._

_By knowing him, I get to know_

_the purity of the animal_

_which mates for life. Sometimes he is slightly_

_smiling, but mostly he just gazes at me gazing,_

_his entire face lit. I love_

_to see it change if I cry--there is no worry,_

_no pity, no graver radiance. If we _

_are on our backs, side by side,_

_with our faces turned fully to face each other,_

_I can hear a tear from my lower eye_

_hit the sheet, as if it is an early day on earth,_

_and then the upper eye's tears_

_braid and sluice down through the lower eyebrow_

_like the invention of farming, irrigation, a non-nomadic people._

_I am so lucky that I can know him._

_This is the only way to know him._

_I am the only one who knows him._

_When I wake again, he is still looking at me,_

_as if he is eternal. For an hour_

_we wake and doze, and slowly I know_

_that though we are sated, though we are hardly_

_touching, this is the coming the other _

_coming brought us to the edge of--we are entering,_

_deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,_

_this place beyond the other places,_

_beyond the body itself, we are making_

_love._

(The Knowing – Sharon Olds) 

_My Edward,_

_I had a dream about us, and I realised something rather uncomfortable. A lie of omission is nevertheless a lie, and I'm not willing to hide behind this one when I forced complete honesty from you. I want this for us, no more barriers, of any kind for any reason. Please forgive me for being too scared to say it before._

_Love always, _

_Bella_

He replies endearing quickly, and in the same manner with an email.

_Darling Bella,_

_There is no 'forcing' between you and I and there is nothing to forgive when all you want, and try to confess to me now, is what I have wanted and been unable to express in the same way myself. There is nothing for you to be scared of, that I have not been scared about myself. The thought of you dreaming about us makes me happy, not sad, or scared. Now that I know what it feels like to lose you, anything else is inconsequential. I want that for us too, what more can I say? _

_Sleep some more for me love, dream of us for me._

_Love,_

_Edward x_

**I sigh, and turn to look at my clock. It's early evening now and almost dark. I don't feel as tired as I did before but the lethargy is still there. The rain is still tapping against the window, and I can hear the noise of some sort of car or truck pulling away outside. Just them normal noises of the good people of Forks going about their daily business, and I should make some effort to do the same. Charlie will be home soon, and I doubt finding me still dressed for bed will get a good response from him.**

The meagre evening light coming in through my half closed curtains looks darker than this morning, and the heavy cloud and sheeting rain beating a regular tattoo of noise against the glass in the window, does not particularly inspire me to move. Feeling older than my eighteen years, I drag myself unwillingly from bed and move sluggishly to sit at the side of my bed.

Without bothering to open my curtains or make my bed I force my tired muscles to walk to the bathroom and get on with some sort of a my usual routine by showering and brushing my teeth. Something to eat should be next on the list, but honestly, the thought of food is not appealing.

Instead I make my bed, attempt to make some effort with my hair, and pull back the curtains to let more of the dim, rainy light into the room. The view outside doesn't interest me, just another rainy day in Forks. No big deal.

I begin to drift around my room. There is probably housework I could find to keep me busy, but I want the familiar walls of my room at the moment. Like a rabbit in the safety of its burrow, my own space offers comfort, so I stay put. Rain continues to rattle against the glass of the window, and the noise of the central heating boiler clicking on and off downstairs is the only sound within the house. Occasionally a car drives past with its tyres sloshing wetly through the water collected on the road.

I finger Esme's necklace as it hangs around my neck and feel reassured by the sensation of the age worn metal in my hand, but it isn't enough to settle me completely. Only one thing can.

I chew on my lip and consider my options. It will take Charlie most likely another half an hour to come home. Time enough for me to start cooking his dinner. He would like that, but I am hesitant to get on and sort it out.

The iPhone sitting on my bed reminds me that Edward is only a call away. I know I should leave him for now so he and Alice can talk. I shouldn't interrupt just because I miss his voice. I argue with myself. Also, the battery on the phone is nearly drained, and I can't risk leaving it to charge where Charlie might find it.

_Call him... Call him... Call him..._

Who am I kidding? I know what I am going to do, so I pick up the phone and dial. I can't help the thrill of guilty happiness that giving into myself creates, or the edge of anticipatory excitement that starts the minute I hear the ringing tone. He answers almost immediately.

"Edward," I sigh breathlessly.

"Good afternoon, _My Bella_," he replies, and his voice is as luxurious as crushed velvet as it wraps around the syllables of my name. "I miss you. It's comforting to hear you voice."

The slightly possessive way he says "My Bella" warms me in unfamiliar ways, and I'm suddenly blushing like an idiot all over again.

"Edward, "I sigh. "I know I should be leaving you in peace to spend time with Alice, but I needed to hear you. I miss you."

"Don't apologise, love, I wanted to hear your lovely voice too."

"I love you," I blurt out.

"As I do you, my precious girl," he replies smoothly. I sit down at my desk, suddenly ridiculously breathless.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I squeak, "you're just dazzling me long distance. Who knew, it works over the phone too."

"That's useful to know. I was worried that I might have lost my touch," he chuckles.

"So, ahh... have you and Alice talked?" I hold my breath while waiting for his reply.

"Yes, love. We've _talked," _he replies wryly.

"What do you mean 'talked'?"

"We've talked, and shouted, and talked some more. Things are better between us, I promise."

"Oh, thank goodness. I so hated that you were fighting because of me."

"You have nothing to feel guilty about, love. I richly deserved the dressing down she gave me, and it has cleared the air between us. I've missed the annoying little sprite, almost as much as you."

"I'm sorry, I can't talk for long. Charlie will be back soon," I reply with a laugh, but a slightly grumpy tone to my voice. Getting up, I start to walk slowly around the room.

"How are things between you and Charlie?" Edward asks carefully.

"Tense, but it's not as though I don't deserve it."

Without any particularly purpose I drift over to the window and glance out at the rain distorted, grey tinted world outside.

"I can't help but feel that's my fault," Edward murmurs.

"I don't care about fault, Edward," I reply absently, still glancing out of the window. Nothing out of the ordinary catches my interest until my gaze sweeps across the sodden lawn to the drive way in front of the house.

"We did what we needed to..." I trail off horrified, because my eyes are glued to something outside on the drive way that's wasn't there last night.

"Bella?"

Rather like an artistically enhanced black and white photo, where one focal point of the picture has been highlighted in glaring colour, the cherry red paint of my motorbike glows unnaturally bright against the rain soaked tarmac of the drive where it is parked, in an obvious position smack in front of the house.

Fury, scarlet in colour and white in heat flashes through me as I remember the sounds of a truck pulling away. That had to have been Jacob delivering the incriminating evidence to the worst possible place right underneath Chief Swan's motorbike hating nose. What the hell was he playing at?

"_Bella?"_

"Oh my god, how could he?" I splutter, heedless to Edward saying my name again.

"Bella!" Edward says more urgently. "Alice says..."

The sound of my bedroom door swinging open and banging loudly against the wall makes me spin around to face the source of the noise, with a startled gasp. Guilt registers as the main emotion on my conspicuously scarlet face.

A suitable profanity for this situation would be _shit_, but it never crosses my lips. A few other choice words spring to mind too, but I doubt they would help my case, so I leave them to sound silently inside my head too. Instead, I stand frozen to the spot doing a marvellously believable impersonation of a Bella statue.

Charlie's expression is far from promising and is in fact vaguely menacing as he dangles my muddy PJ bottoms in his hand while I stand immobile, iPhone in hand. I am so much the very definition of _busted_ it is not funny.

"She's too late," I whisper.

"Isabella Swan, get your motorbike owning behind downstairs _right now!" _ Charlie roars and leaves the doorway before thumping his way downstairs with ominously heavy footfalls.

"I have to go," I say quickly and hang-up, without further explanation before laying my phone down and walking with deliberately slow steps out of my room to face the wrath of Chief Swan.

He doesn't even wait for me to come into the room properly before he attacks. "You were on the phone with him, weren't you?"

Sighing, I sit down on the sofa, and nod mutely in reply.

"And just where did that phone come from?"

"Alice left it for me."

"I might have known! And these?" He points furiously at my muddy PJ bottoms, and I groan inwardly trying to fabricate a lie that will work.

"Jasper came to see me; I met him outside in the garden. Look, Dad, I'm sorr- "

"Don't you dare say you're sorry to me young lady. Sorry isn't making illicit phones calls on smuggled cells phones. Sorry isn't sneaking around in your nightwear getting up to god knows what. I left you with some simple rules, which I expected you to obey. I came home to deal with you about a motorbike that Jacob was man enough to own up to still having, and find this."

"Man enough?" I snort. "We'll see how man Jacob is when I get through with him!"

"Jacob was honest with me which is more than I can say for you, Isabella Swan."

"Jacob has his own agenda for letting you know about the bike, which – by the way – I told him to sell, so I wouldn't issue him his halo and wings quite yet, _Dad!"_

"Don't sass me young lady, because you are on thin ice as it is. If Jacob has any sort of agenda, it is more than likely wrapped up with the falling out your two had since Edward Cullen came back, so I know who I blame for that!"

"You don't know anything, Dad," I reply frustrated. "You think you do, but you don't."

"Perhaps that's because you never tell me anything, have you thought about that, Bella? Why are you falling under the spell of that boy again, Bella? He is wrong for you, _so wrong. _I thought you and Jacob had something, I know Jacob has strong feelings for you..."

I cut him off before he can finish, and snap at him, "I don't love Jake like that, Dad. He's my best friend, and I miss him, but I've never thought of him like that. I can't make myself love someone to get your approval. It has always been Edward."

The expression on Charlie's face is positively feral. "Don't interrupt me, and don't try to suggest that I am trying to force Jacob on you as my preferred option."

"Are you sure that isn't what you are doing, Dad?"

"Enough, Bella!"

"I can't do this with you, Dad."

"I don't recall giving you a choice, Bella. We are talking, and you are going to start telling me here and now what has been going on with you lately."

"Dad!"

"Don't _'Dad'_ me, Bella. You can start by explaining why you felt you had to run off to LA. The truth this time!"

"That's too complicated to explain..."

"Try me!"

My breath rushes out of my mouth with a sighing sound, and Charlie's lips tighten with annoyance. I consider his expression, and decide to give him as much of the truth as I can.

"All of this." I make a circular movement with my hands. "It all started long before I went to LA, way back on the day of my birthday. Edward's brother, Jasper, has some problems. On the day of my birthday, he lashed out." Charlie's face immediately darkens. "Nothing _bad_ happened. Edward intervened, and the family dealt with it."

His scowl isn't shifting, and the last thing I need is for him to develop a prejudice to the Cullen family as a whole, not just Edward.

"They have a complicated family dynamic." Suddenly Charlie's dark expression irritates me, and I snap. "What do you expect Charlie, they have all been through so much. Wasn't it you that said they never give you any problems, that the Quileute's prejudice was unfair."

He shakes his head and sighs, "fine."

"I never blamed Jasper, and we've put it behind us, but..." I hesitate for a beat as my own understanding of a facet of Edward's behaviour suddenly clicks into place. "Edward has lost people, in the past, people important to him. He is by nature protective of his family, and me especially. He blamed himself, even though it was nothing, and decided that I shouldn't have to deal with the complications inherent in his family. That it was better _for me_ if we separated.

"When Carlisle was offered the job in LA and the subject of whether the family should move came up, it was around the same time as the incident with Jasper occurred. Edward had all of this on his mind, and he decided it would be best for me if we had a clean break. If Jasper hadn't lashed out, we would have stayed in contact and still be together, but it all got kind of mixed up in Edward's head."

Charlie grumbles something under his breath that might have been 'emo idiot', and I bristle on Edward's behalf.

"Do you _want_ me to explain this or not?" Charlie makes and angry gesture with his hands, and I plough on. "Time passed, and Edward didn't deal with the separation any better than I did. I've already explained the rest. There was a misunderstanding, Edward started blaming his parents for the situation, and threatened to take off, and so I went to LA with Alice to help."

"Running off to LA on a plane is more than just 'stuff happening', Bella." Charlie rakes his hand through his curly hair, and starts to pace. So you're saying that the entire Cullen family are back in Forks because your boyfriend had a melt down?"

"No, yes. Sort of!" I splutter, Charlie snorts again.

"Just what kind of influence does that boy have over his family anyway?"

"It wasn't just Edward, none of them were happy, Esme didn't like LA, Jasper was blaming himself for our separation, and Alice wanted to come back. It's complicated, Dad."

"However complicated it maybe, it doesn't excuse my normally level headed daughter behaving the way you have been. Lying, sneaking around behind my back, where does it stop, Bella?"

"You know everything now, Dad. I'm not lying about the motorbike and I did ask Jake to sell it. I know it doesn't excuse anything, but you set things up so that I couldn't talk to Edward, and I couldn't bear it. I'm sorry I went behind your back, but you had me cornered. I didn't feel like I had any other choice."

"As if all that weren't bad enough, you had to drag Alice into it?"

I choke back a laugh, "Alice isn't quite as innocent as you think, Dad. She wasn't involved in anything that she didn't want to be, and would admit as much herself."

"That may all be true, but I still want you to stay away from that boy, Bella!"

I bristle again, reacting to his tone as much as his words. "I understand that I've made mistakes, Dad, but you can't blame them all on Edward, that's not fair! What about the motorbike, Jacob fixed it and taught me how to ride it. Is he going to get away scot free, while Edward is hung, drawn and quartered for his crimes? It is more my fault than anybody else's. Blame me!"

"Oh really? Are you trying to suggest Jacob _forced _you to ride that death trap?" I flush guiltily, and Charlie's expression becomes tight. "Believe you me, I _blame you_ plenty!"

"No, we were both involved," I mutter.

"I thought as much. I will be having a word with Billy about Jacob. Don't think I didn't notice you changing the subject, Bella. Are you going to do what I ask and stay away from Edward Cullen?" he asks bluntly.

"No."

"I see," Charlie replies coldly.

"I don't think you do, Dad. I love Edward, and you can't in all reasonableness expect me to stay away from him. I'm an adult, Charlie; I can make my own decisions."

"Or your own mistakes!" he growls in reply.

"Yes, exactly."

"What about Jacob, is that it for you and him? Edward graced us with his return, so Jacob gets dumped like the trash. Is that how you're going to treat him after all what you've been to each other?"

"You just don't get it, do you? Jacob is my friend, Charlie. He's like family to me. We were never together in the way you are trying to suggest. Jacob is my friend and always will be and that's never going to change."

His disdainful humft infuriates me. "You're going to have to accept that Edward and I are back together, Dad, despite your prejudices. It's my choice to make. My life to live, not yours."

Charlie squares his shoulders, and his expression is determined. "Well, I'm not willing to do that." I'm starting to see red, and I turn to face him head on, mirroring his pugnacious body language.

"What choice do you have?"

Charlie actually growls in reply, his voice rough, "I won't have him under this roof. Not while there is a breath left in my body! My house my rules!"

Completely unconsciously, I roll my eyes at him. I never knew that Charlie had a talent for amateur theatricals. Despite this, he's not getting away with trying to bully me.

"Then I won't be under your roof, is that what you want?" I shout in reply. We've been here before. The under my roof card isn't a new one for me.

I stare at him waiting for him to back down, but a look of determination crosses his face as he clenches his teeth, making the muscles in the side of his jaw tick.

"Then I guess you won't be under my roof anymore."

Pain and rejection radiates through me, followed by a protective rush of fury. "Fine if that is the way you want it!" I shout back.

"That's not the way I want it, Bella, but it is the way it is going to be until you come back to your senses." I can see that he's serious, but his determination only serves to fuel my fury. He's just another person controlling me for my own good yet again.

There's always been somebody else, steering my life. Renee, as benevolent and as loving an autocrat as she was, still made her decisions and expected me to follow along. Edward with his over protective secretive behaviour, Alice and the other Cullens when they colluded with him, and now Charlie. I believe the first real decision I had made for myself was to come to Forks and then to love Edward, and I'm not going to let Charlie stand in the way of my love now.

"Fine!" I jump off of the sofa and run upstairs and grab my shoes, phone and jacket and return to the living room to face Charlie down. He meets my furious glare with a coolly calculating one of his own. I hold out my hand.

"Let me have my truck keys, and I'll get out of your hair."

"Enough teenage dramatics, Bella, if you want to do this then you are going to learn this lesson the hard way. No truck, Bella. I provided you with that truck. If you want to be an adult and make your own way in the world then perhaps it is time to learn just what it means to be on your own. Maybe that will bring you to your senses."

"I've been making choices for myself, Charlie, since I was old enough to appreciate Renee for the lovable but utterly incapable scatterbrain she is. Your two weeks of parenting a year hardly qualify you to argue that point with me." I snap back, feeling the sting of his rejection far too intensely all of a sudden.

Remorse flashes across his face briefly, and he reaches out for my arm and I feel a little hope that maybe he can see my side of things. He never actually makes contact with me, because he pulls his arm back to his side and his expression settles into an angry mask again.

I feel suddenly cold, and shut out. It hurts. I back away from him without any particular plan in mind, other than a driving need to get out away from the increasingly stifling atmosphere that is filling up the walls of the house. Charlie's house I remind myself acidly, since I am apparently not welcome anymore.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way, Bella. But you're scaring me with some of the choices you are making. I hate to say it, but I think you might have more of your mother's flightiness where this boy is concerned than I ever considered. I want you to see why he's not right for you."

"It's funny," I say bluntly. "I thought I was being my _father's _daughter by loving one person they way I love Edward. I'm sorry you see that as something regrettable, because I never will."

With my back to him, I walk shakily to the door before stepping out into the growing darkness outside. With wet eyes, and determined stubbornness, I turn my back on the house and walk away purposefully. Of course, it is all bravado since I have absolutely no idea where I am going, only a very strong feeling that I have to leave.

I stop at the side of the neighbour's house to take shelter and turn my back to the rain to use my cell phone. The message I send to Edward is brief:

_Come home, please._


	16. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**_Damn Charlie and is pigheaded, I-know-best attitude. Knows best my ass... _**

**My rabidly furious inner ramblings are interrupted abruptly when I trip on the wet sidewalk and wobble precariously for several seconds before righting myself. I curse under my breath. The last thing I need right now is to fall on my behind right in front of Charlie's house after walking out. Talk about a big, fat indicator of being unable to cope on my own only thirty ** onlyonl**seconds after leaving Charlie's house. A little more carefully, I walk far enough to be out of view as I pat my pockets looking for my phone. **

**_What the hell am I supposed to do now?_**

**My red-faced, tantrum throwing, inner toddler wants me to storm back inside the house and demand the keys to my motorbike from Charlie as the ultimate one finger salute to his parental control. But I don't. As furious as I might be with Charlie, I really don't want to produce the potential coronary-inducing rage it would create. **

**Remembering Charlie's fleeting expression of overcritical discontent, some of my anger drains away to be replaced by hurt, followed quickly by rejection. I could see it in him; I'm a disappointment to him because of my choices. The fact that his fatherly affections seems so swayable jolts my confidence. But then, I don't seem to have much luck with father figures, do I? An image of Carlisle flashes in my mind, and I mentally push it back savagely.**

**Tears well up in my eyes, and I fight them back determinedly. I've had enough of being Bella the sobbing mess.**

**"I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry," I mutter to myself while trying to wipe rain off my face with an already damp jacket sleeve. It's kind of a useless effort anyway, since my face is already wet from the rain. I give myself a mental shake and try to get in control of my emotions, pushing back against the sadness. I want the anger back, now!**

**"Bella?" **

**Scared out of my wits, and with my heart in my mouth, I spin with my hand fluttering against my chest uselessly. Rosalie walks towards me from the trees and hovers between the forest and the street looking like a golden haired goddess emerging from the wilderness. Her expression unreadable, she looks at me and I look back wordlessly. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, after all, I knew she was outside but for a still, quiet moment, we consider each other.**

**"Oh, it's you..." I chatter stupidly. **

**Rosalie doesn't reply and continues to stare at me disquietingly. Silence stretches between us for what seems like forever, sending my startled brain into overdrive.**

**A strange thought occurs to me as I stand sheltering against the side of this house, and Rosalie stands not quite in the trees and not quite on the sidewalk. We are both on the fringes, kept out of what we truly want. In this place in particular, with the bland normality of Forks all around us, Rosalie is standing on the edge of my human life, as much as I am on the edge of her supernatural world. My heart is still beating; I at least I know in which direction I want to be moving. I'm not so sure that Rosalie does. With her angry and bitter disappointments she is on the edge of her own world.**

**It must be hard to be so at odds with your own nature. I don't pretend to understand who Rosalie is as a person because she has never let me close enough to get any kind of understanding of her, but I have to acknowledge, I have never tried to get close to her either. She is like a porcupine, protected on all sides by prickly spines, and I have no idea how or even if it is possible to get close.**

Rosalie's silent observation makes me nervous, and with a rush of words I blurt out, "You heard all that I guess?" Duh, Bella of course she heard!

"Yes. Where are you going, Bella?"

I sigh inwardly. I have limited choices. I really want to kick Jacob for being an idiot until he gets some sense of the mess he has caused with his motorbike stunt. Afterwards, let's be honest, I'm going to the Cullens' house whether Edward has returned yet or not. I can only hope he gets there before I do, because I'm not sure how to handle being in that house with all its memories without him.

"I have some stuff to talk to Jacob about."

"Jacob Black, the werewolf?"

I nod jerkily.

"And what do you think Edward would have to say about that, Bella?" Rosalie replies with an icy calmness, which is faintly threatening. "Hanging out with young werewolves is not safe."

It's funny, I've never really consider Jacob as a werewolf, young or otherwise. He's just Jake to me. Jake, who was supposed to keep my secrets. Jake who shut me out, and then surrendered me to Charlie. I clench my hands into fists at my side with temper. Jake the turncoat.

Yes, I have rather a lot to say to my very own Benedict Arnold. Jake, who I left behind – rejected and hurting – to save Edward.

_And here comes the guilt again_... I grimace, caught up internally in my convoluted thoughts of friendship and treachery.

"Bella, are you listening to me?" Rosalie demands.

I jump at the harshness of her tone and snap foolishly in response, "Yes!"

Rosalie's carefully shaped, blond eyebrows draw together in temper. I have a very strong urge to step away from her suddenly. I try to even the tone of my voice, but I'm not sure I manage very well.

"Edward is my boyfriend, not my father or keeper, Rosalie. I will speak to him about it when he gets back." If I was braver I might have added, "And what's it to you?" Instead, I keep quiet.

Rosalie makes a snorting noise. I stare at her stupidly and realise she is actually laughing at me. In a sudden blur of movement, she is right by my side in less time than it would take for me to blink once. This time I do step back from her instinctively, not feeling quite so angry or brave.

"God, Rosalie! You scared me," I gasp. She smiles at me slowly, and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle in reaction.

"When it concerns you and Edward, it's always going to be about what you want. You're the only person that he can't say no to. That isn't something _I_ have any problem with." She leans a little closer to me to emphasize her point.

"Rosalie..."

Ochre eyes narrowed and showing none of the softness I am used to seeing in the eyes of the rest of her family, Rosalie presses home her point. "Edward needs you, and werewolves constitute a risk. So no, Bella, you won't be going to see Jacob Black."

This isn't the contrite Rosalie I saw only in passing at the airport, or the silent, watchful guardian who sat outside Edward's door after his collapse. No, this Rosalie is all together more menacing.

"Stop it, Rosalie!" I reply, trying to stand straighter and look less scared than I actually feel.

"The body language is impressive, Bella, but your heartbeat tells a whole other story."

"Look, I don't want to fight with you. God knows you hate me enough already, but I have to speak to Jacob to sort some stuff out before Edward gets back. It's important."

"Nothing is more important than the fact that Edward needs you. I let my brother down once, I won't do it again," she replies and I can almost feel her animosity coming at me relentlessly like storm waves slamming against a sea wall. I'm left wondering: what did I do to deserve this amount of hostility? Come to think about it, when did I ever do anything to deserve any of it?

Stuck in a stalemate, we stare at each other again, and the tension makes me reckless.

"Don't you mean twice?" I challenge, thinking about the role she accepted as a silent witness to Edward destroying himself while he committed his ultimately fruitless first step on the path to his destruction in Italy. I consider it to be the first step because her phone call caused the second, metaphorically speaking, and I'm not sure I have it in me to forgive Rosalie for that. Memories of the terrible conversation in the woods roll through me and I shudder slightly.

It's subtle, so subtle I only just catch the movement, but Rosalie winces and I know she is seeing the same images as me. She grimaces suddenly and the moment is over.

Looking back at me with an intense, almost feral expression Rosalie says, "I don't hate you, Bella. I don't agree with some of the decision you're making, but I never hated you."

"You're lying," I accuse her, suddenly desperate to air a slowly building sense of outrage at her superior attitude. "You thought my death was something that Edward would want to hear about so he could come home. Like I was some sort of trivial, unwelcome houseguest who'd finally left. You treated the depth of feeling between us as if it was nothing, and you say to my face that you _don't hate me._ What did I ever do to you?"

"You have everything that I want, and you're throwing it all away!" she yells, slowly circling around me like a tigress stalking her prey. "You have it all: a life full of potential and humanity in front of you and you're going to throw it all away. For what? Some warped teenage idea of undying love? What do you know about life, you're an infant! You know nothing!"

"I know I love and want Edward," I reply with quiet conviction.

"And he wants you to stay human. You can have his love and all the rest without being changed. You don't have to waste that promise."

Edward's explanations of what Rosalie and Esme lacked in their immortal lives, comes back to me and I realise what Rosalie means by 'promise'.

"But Edward and I couldn't..."

"You'd need to do something more for children, that's true, but the chance would still be there if you stayed human," she says matter-of-factly.

"Why would I want anyone other than Edward to touch me, or to have children that weren't Edwards?" _What the hell does she think I am, some sort of broodmare?_

"You're young. You don't know what you want yet," Rosalie replies with a slightly condescending tone and I am reminded of my argument with Charlie and it rattles me unexpectedly.

"You don't know me well enough to know what I might regret, Rosalie."

"I know regrets more than anyone."

"Are you saying, given the chance, you'd change what you are, perhaps leaving Emmett behind in the process, to regain your promise?" I paraphrase Rosalie's earlier words incredulously and for the briefest of seconds I see it on her face, doubt.

"I could never do that to Edward."

"Why not? Didn't he leave you once already?" she snaps, and I know she meant that remark to hurt.

I flinch and feel nauseous as the ground under my feet feels suddenly unsteady. I force myself to focus, and slow my suddenly panicky breathing. Rosalie could kill me with a flick of one of her manicured fingers, but I'm not going to let her get away with this shit for any reason. Instead, I attack back.

"If you could do that to Emmett because of what you want, then I feel sorry for him. That isn't my idea of love!"

"Who are you to judge me? You have no idea how I feel or love!"

Realisation hits me all of a sudden, and an element of understanding of what makes Rosalie so bitter at her life comes with it. She regrets what she is, not what she has. I have everything else she wants and can never have again. Gloriously beautiful, elegant and outwardly confident Rosalie is jealous of me, how ridiculous, how human.

Fresh from the battlefield of Charlie's opinions and disappointment, I am not in an emotionally strong enough place to be able to take more of the same from Rosalie with any equanimity. I am suddenly utterly furious with Rosalie, and I don't really understand why. The fury makes me reckless again.

"And neither do you know about me! I am so sick and tired of people telling me who to love and how to love; you, Charlie. Jesus, even Edward when he left me was doing it! I know how to love and whom I love, thank you very much. I understand what I will have to let go of to love Edward.

"As to the rest, you've never bothered to get to know me, Rosalie, and until you do, you don't get to judge me. So butt the hell out!" I reply furiously.

Rosalie's pacing circle suddenly widens and I let out a relieved breath as she backs off, then wheels away from me towards the trees.

Jasper emerges from the darkness, his pale face carefully composed as his eyes shift from Rosalie to me and back again. I've never been more relieved to see him than I am now.

"Jasper!" I sigh.

"Everything okay here?" he asks, and Rosalie makes an angry hissing noise between her teeth in reply.

"Bella wants to go and play with the werewolves. Since she is Alice's shiny new pet project again, I'll leave you to deal with her. I have better things to do with my time than explain the facts of life to a child!" With a flash of blond hair and a few angry strides, Rosalie disappears into the trees and is swallowed up by the night.

I turn to face Jasper and drag my fingers through my wet hair with a grimace. "That went well," I mutter and he smiles wryly in response.

"I had no idea you could be so _bad ass_, Bella." He's grinning at me, and I grimace.

"Me neither," I say without actually meaning to say it out loud. When Jasper laughs, I flush pink with embarrassment.

"Rosalie is just being Rosalie, don't worry about it."

"It's kind of difficult when her _being Rosalie_ is directed straight at me like a runaway train."

His smile widens. "Seems to me you were holding your own."

"Did Alice call you?"

Jasper looks slightly concerned. "No, I was on my way to hunt and decided to check in on you. Is there a reason she should have?"

I shake my head and feel my mood shift from irritation to indecision. Is this conversation going to go any better with Jasper? One vampire bodyguard is going to have much the same attitude as another towards their brother's girlfriend hanging out with their natural enemy. The best I can hope for is that Jasper won't be quite as vocal about it as Rosalie.

"You're outside in the rain, angry..." Jasper cocks his head to the side as though thinking through his words, "...and conflicted about something. Want to tell me why?"

"Charlie and I had a fight. He caught me on my contraband cell phone talking to Edward. Then issued me with an ultimatum, and I..." I didn't want to say he threw me out, it wasn't quite that simple. " Let's just say I walked out in response."

Jasper in the most non-judgemental way possible, simply nods in response, and I feel a rush of grateful affection fill me. I'm thankful to him for making it so much easier for me, and he smiles gently.

"What did Rosalie mean about you hanging out with werewolves?"

"That would be about Jacob dropping me in it with Charlie, over a motorbike." Jasper's eyebrows lift questioningly. "The fight was his fault..." I roll my eyes. "Okay, it was _sort of_ his fault, the rest was just bad timing," I add begrudgingly.

"Is that why one of the werewolves is sitting around the corner in a rusty pickup truck exuding angry remorse and stinking up the street?"

"He's what!" I yell far too loudly considering we are standing right outside somebody's house. Jasper points towards the dark shape of a parked vehicle calmly and I turn to stomp over there. _Traitor_, I think furiously.

"Hang on there just a second, Bella." Jasper catches my arm and stops me before I manage to even step off the sidewalk.

Not this again. "I need to speak to him."

"Going by your mood, you want to do more than _speak _to him," Jasper says softly. "Young werewolves..."

"Are unstable, and constitute a risk," I interrupt irritated. "I know all this. I will be safe. I've been around the pack for months and months without any problems." An image of Paul lunging towards me jumps into my mind, but I ignore it stubbornly. "I will be with Jake, he wouldn't ever hurt me."

Jasper looks sceptical, but surprises me when he doesn't argue with me. "Why?"

"Why? I... " _Good question – why? _"I need to sort this out with him, because..." Words fail me, and I'm at a loss to explain it properly. "This isn't me and Jake, it just isn't. I don't know how to explain it any better, sorry."

"Hey, you're talking to an empath here, I 'hear' you loud and clear." Jasper laughs in his quiet way and I smile and let myself relax a little without the influence of his talent. It's calming to know somebody else understands me for once.

"What about this stunt with the motorbike. Getting you in trouble with Charlie hardly seems like the behaviour of someone who has your best interests in mind."

I scowl. "That's why I need to talk to Jake. I know Edward won't like it, but I cannot only do what Edward would want, anymore than he should for me. We are separate people even if we are together – don't you see? I've grown up a lot since he left, and even though he is still all that I want, I have other responsibilities too. I owe Jake my life in many ways."

"What are you proposing to do exactly?"

"Go with him to talk. We both deserve more than leaving things the way they are between us now."

"You realise Edward is going to be unbearable when he finds out?"

"You're going to let me go?" I ask hesitantly.

"It's clear you feel you need to and I'm not your keeper or your father," Jasper replies, quoting me from before, and I blush.

"You heard that?" He nods with another quick smile. "Damn vampire hearing."

"I _feel_ how badly you want to do this, and if it was going to be a problem, Alice would have called. So, go to your puppy, I'll follow you as far as the border. I assume you are intending to go to La Push?"

"Yes."

"I have to hunt, so you'll need to call Rosalie... "I pull a face at his suggestion. "Okay, Carlisle when you need to be collected." I pull another face at this suggestion, but for entirely different reasons and Jasper studies me silently for several second absorbing my shifting mood again. "Bella..."

"Yes, I promise I'll call Carlisle."

"Bella!"

"I _promise!"_

"Bella," he says in a warning tone, taking me gently by the shoulders, and it pleases me to see him initiating contact. Perhaps my shirt idea helped after all. "I have to know I can trust you on this. Are you sure you will be safe, and I mean an Edward definition of safe?" I pull a face at this request, and he laughs.

"I'm more likely to hurt myself than Jacob is, Jasper. I promise I will be fine, if you can forgive the odd trip or fall on my part."

"I'm serious, Bella. You're being hunted by a very determined vampire. You have to stay with the dog — Jacob Black at all times and call for one of us to come get you when you leave. Do not go and pull one of your 'Miss Independent' stunts."

I step closer to Jasper and stop to look at him questioningly.

"I was in that hotel in Phoenix, remember?" he chides.

I step a little closer again and stop to see his reaction to my proximity. When he smiles, I reach up to hug him carefully. Other than stiffening a little, Jasper seems to be okay. The flash of warm affection he emits seems to confirm my assumption.

"I promise," I say into his ear and pull away.

"Be safe, Bella."

"Thank you, Jasper. I owe you one."

Jasper's expression grimaces slightly, then melts into a soft smile as he says, "We owe you much more." The feeling of affection intensifies as Jasper waves and lopes off into the trees.

As the sensation of Jasper's feelings dissipates, I hunch my shoulders against the rain and trudge over to the pickup. Before Jacob can get out, I pull at the passenger door and it opens with a rusty sounding screech.

"Bella?"

I climb in and glare at him as I pull the door closed behind me. "We need to talk, Jake."

The muscles on the sides of his jaw tense and release with temper. "I'm not going to apologise for bringing the bike, Bella. I'm going to do anything necessary to keep you away from the leech!"

"Including having Charlie throw me out of the house, you ass!" I jeer.

His face formally so angry now looks unsure. "Bella, I..."

"Enough for now, Jake. Just take me to La Push, by then I might have calmed down enough to talk to you."

"Bells..."

"Not here, Jacob!" I yell. "You owe me that much. Drive, okay! Make sure you go past Charlie's house so he can see that I'm in the car with you. I expect he's freaking out right about now, and I don't want him to be upset."

Grim faced, he puts the pickup in drive and pulls away. I look back to Charlie's little house. I'm not sure, but I think the curtain might have moved, and it makes me feel better to think Charlie was worried enough to look.

****

The heavy rain has dried up into a fine drizzle by the time we get to the reservation. Jacob drives to First Beach without any instructions from me, and parks in the sandy parking lot. Under the light of an eerily large moon, we head out across the dunes towards the water without speaking to each other. As we have countless times before, we turn close to the water's edge and follow the strip of pebbles and damp sand left behind by the receding tide.

I walk slowly staring down at my feet, and Jacob paces along beside me, jacketless in only a dark t-shirt and jeans. This should feel so normal. Instead, it feels awkward as hell and strangely stilted. The synergy that used to flow so easily between us is all but gone. I miss it. Not in the way I missed Edward after he left, which left me unable to breathe with the pain of it. This is more like grief, piercing in the moments it is felt but surmountable given time and effort. I don't want to _get over_ Jacob, but we can't go on like this either.

I stop by the log where we have so often sat together and Jacob settles himself down onto the damp wood and looks up at me. I don't want to sit for some reason and turn to stare out at the waves.

"I'm not sorry," Jacob says suddenly.

"You said that already," I reply stiffly. "The question is do you know what you've done? What were you trying to achieve, Jake?"

Turning to face Jacob, he meets my gaze with a strangely guarded expression. It totally compliments the tense way he is holding his massive body as he sits with his arms resting on his knees and his head slightly cocked to the side to look at me.

"Well?"

The muscles in his arms become even more defined as his hands clench into fists on his knees. Watching the muscle move under his brown skin, I realise than that he's gotten bigger again. Looking at the angry man/boy werewolf in front of me, I can't help missing the _boy_ Jacob I used to know. It's wrong of me, but I miss that Jacob, because this Jacob feels like a bit of a stranger to me right now.

"_He's _back, and Charlie was gonna let you out of the house soon," he says in a rough voice, "you know he's a pushover where you're concerned. I thought if I brought the bikes over he might ground you for longer."

"You thought, _what?" _ Jake has the good sense to look slightly contrite. "You've no idea what you've done, Jake. He's furious with me and started issuing ultimatums. It wouldn't surprise me if tries to get Renee down here to take me to Florida.

"I mean, _come on,_ Jake, you've been in the middle of the supernatural B.S. long enough to know Charlie grounding me wouldn't keep Edward and me apart. All you've done is stress Charlie out unnecessarily to the point where he threw me out, thank you very much!" I yell, so shrilly that Jake actually winces.

"He didn't actually throw you out. He banned the leech from the house and you walked out."

"Jesus, you heard that too? Is there any supernatural being around here that didn't hear me fighting with my Dad?" I rant.

Jacob stands up and holds his hands up as if in surrender. "Bells, come on. Calm down, please."

"Don't you 'Bells' me!" I stab him in the chest with my finger, hurting my finger in the process, but I'm too damn angry to care. "And, no, I don't want to calm down! I mean, perhaps there're some witches in Port Angeles that didn't hear, or a shaman in Olympia who'd want to know. We should give them a call, or send some smoke signals or something. I mean..._shit!"_

Jake takes a step back from me with a strange expression on his face looking rather like he is trying to hold something back. Suddenly he throws his head back and is roaring with laughter and unexpectedly so am I. And he's _my_ Jacob again.

"Whoa, somebody is riding the hormone express today," he chuckles.

"Be quiet, you ass," I mutter, trying to find my anger again, but it is all gone.

"How's the finger?"

"I'll live."

A kind of dark sadness washes over his features for a second, and I realise in what direction my careless words probably sent his thoughts. Two seconds later and the expression is gone, replaced by a calm mask which reminds me of Sam Uley. I've never liked that expression.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I honestly didn't mean it to go down like that."

"I thought you weren't 'sorry'?"

His hands are up in surrender again, and a boyish smile softens his features briefly. "Truce?"

"Fine." I humpff, but he knows I'm softening. "But you're still as ass."

We start to walk again, following the edge of the water in the direction of the caves, and all the familiar sights and sounds that remind me of Jacob surround me like a comforting blanket: the crash of the waves against the beach, the tang of salt in the air that lightly stings the skin on my cheeks and the warmth and solidity of Jacob at my side. It feels achingly familiar and wrong all at the same time. It is both confusing and welcoming simultaneously, making my insides twist with unease. I wonder: _does it feel the same for Jake too?_

Jacob's hand taps lightly against my wrist, and then he takes my hand in his as we walk along. The same feeling of rightness and wrongness fills me again, and I pull away from him gently. I look sideways to see if my withdrawal has hurt his feelings, but his expression is calm and gives me no clues to what he is thinking or feeling. We continue along for several minutes without speaking and it is Jake who eventually breaks the silence.

"So, they're all back?"

"Yes."

The wind is picking up, and blows my wet hair around my face. I push it behind my ears and find myself wishing for Alice and her ever-ready stock of supplies who would've had a hair band at my disposal for sure. My wish melts into an ache. I miss Alice and I miss Edward, and I don't want to be here having this conversation with my best friend because I know I am ultimately going to hurt him, and he doesn't deserve any of it.

"Billy said as much this morning," Jacob continues to talk and I can feel it without looking up at his face; the tension is back.

"So you did get my messages then?"

"Yes. I should have..."

"It's okay," I interrupt. It all seems rather trivial now and I don't need him to apologise for cutting me off. "I understand."

We continue walking along the wet sand, leaving footprints behind us. With each step the feeling of tension builds. I'm sure that we are both feeling it, but neither of us seems to be able to do anything about it.

"Bella..."

"Jake..."

We each say our names at the same time and then laugh in a stifled, awkward way. I want to do something to throw off this blanket of tension that is between us but don't know how. It is like the world around us has changed, and we got left behind somehow. Now, I don't understand the rules of _us_ anymore. I can only guess that Jacob feels the same. There is the guilty little voice whispering in the back of my head saying that maybe it is better this way. It might be easier for us both if, instead of picking painfully over an old wound, things are left unsaid. Ultimately, I don't like this feeling I am left with. It's a mixture of cowardice and confusion wrapped which promise plenty of denial to hide behind. I know from experience how well denial works.

"I've missed you," Jake says quietly.

"I've missed you, too."

"I think I was wrong, you know? When I said we couldn't be friends. I've missed you enough to want that not to be true."

"I'd like it to be true too," I reply equally cryptically, a little stung to know he had to miss me before he could realise what a hurtful thing it was to say in the first place.

"I miss the way it was between us before the leech's sister came back. This..." He makes a pointing gesture backwards and forwards between us with his hands. "Feels wrong somehow, not like it was before." I nod silently in agreement. "I wish it was still uncomplicated. Just Jacob and Bella and none of the, what did you call it? _Supernatural B.S._" He laughs and it has a forced quality to it again. "Still, you're here now."

"I don't know what to say to you, Jacob."

"Then don't, just talk to me like you used to. Tell me what happened when you were away, and we'll take it from there."

So I do, leaving out the parts I think are necessary and explaining the rest as best I can. Jacob in return shares what has happened with the pack, in particularly the peculiar aspects of imprinting that he never shared with me before, and the effect that it has had on the lives of Sam, Leah, and Emily.

As we walked and talked we got far enough for us to have circled back from the beach so we are now walking vaguely in the direction of Sam and Emily's house, and the beach parking lot. Looking at the homely little house, I wonder at the mixture of love and heartbreak that must be contained within its wooden walls. What a dreadful situation for all concerned. As to the situation with Claire – I'm really not sure how to feel about it at all. Wearing my _normal world_ head it's kind of icky, but listening to Jacob's explanation of how Quil will adapt to be whatever Claire needs him to be sort of makes it sound so sensible. I can see the appeal of being loved so completely because I love Edward just as completely. Anyway, who am I to judge? With the differences in our relative ages, it could have been us.

The subject of Jake and his lack of an imprint strikes me as a bit of a slippery topic. He asked me to be 'normal' with him, so I ask the question which is on my mind despite my misgivings.

"Do you want to imprint one day?" I ask carefully, since he has given me the impression, his feelings are slightly ambivalent about the subject.

"It won't happen for me," he says with a ring of fatalistic finality to his voice.

"Why?"

"Because all I see is you." The intensity in his voice makes me uncomfortable again.

"Jake, please don't."

Don't what? Love me? Want me? Push the boundaries of our friendship into dangerous, deep water in which we both might drown.

Jacob stares down at me intensely and stops in front of me suddenly making it necessary for me to halt or slam straight into his broad chest. It is almost like he is willing something to happen. I try to hold the heat of his gaze but end up dropping my eyes to the ground before he releases me, and I hear him sigh in response. He walks a little distance away, and then turns back to face me with that same intense expression of wanting on his face, and it makes me squirm. I can't give him what he wants so desperately, even though I know he deserves it.

"Do you ever wonder what might have happened if the leech's sister hadn't come back? If you'd maybe waited for me like I asked, and we jumped off the cliff together?"

I back up from him several steps and shake my head trying desperately to spare us both the pain of a 'what if' conversation. "There's no point in doing this, Jake. I don't want to cause you more hurt."

As I retreat he advances until he catches me by the tops of my arms and holds me still in the most gently of ways.

"I don't care about that, Bells. Please, just answer the question. I need to know."

Painful anxiety rushes through me, but I do what he asks with a voice that sounds like I have swallowed razor blades. "No, because I know even if Alice hadn't come back, Edward would have. Neither of us can survive without the other."

Jacob makes an angry sneering noise under his breath. "Survive, you talk about them like they're _people_, Bella, not walking, reanimated corpses."

"They're people to me, Jake. Edward is everything. None of them chose the life they have. They're just trying to make the best of what they have."

"You think I chose this? Sure, Quil, Embry and the rest all think it's the best thing to have happened to them, but Sam and I know better. I'm like this because of your boyfriend and his freak show of a _family_. I've gained nothing and lost everything because of them, and just when I thought I had a shot of happiness, they come back and get in the way again."

"Jake – "

"No, Bella. We could have had something more if they'd just stayed away. Now they have you confused. I know you felt the same way...felt something more for me, when it was just the two of us together. I _know_ you did."

I can't lie, in one way I did. Jacob represented the path not taken in the life that remained after Edward left. Within the haze of doubt and pain in which I existed then, Jake had been the only piece of solid ground I could find to cling to. And I had clung to him with everything I had in me at the time. Part of me thinks I should lie, to spare Jake fruitless hope. It always has been Edward for me. Without him, faced with dealing with the numbness alone or hiding within my safe harbour I might have chosen Jake. But there is no way to dress it up in pretty words, I would have been settling and Jake would have deserved better.

"Edward leaving broke me, Jacob. When I came to you I was broken in so many ways, and you helped me so much. I was selfish and didn't think of the consequences, but I needed you. I needed you to be my friend."

"I don't care about any of that. Let me fix you?" His expression is so earnest. To him it is simple. He will love me and I will be fixed. We were nearly the same age, but years a part in understanding of the world. I knew better. There is only one way I can be fixed and that is with Edward by my side. I know I should lie to Jacob. Let him shelter in his innocence and optimism, but he deserves better from me.

"I'm the only one who can fix me, and I can only do it with Edward."

"You're wrong, Bells."

"You want me to lie to you? Would that make you feel better? Do you want me to send Edward away to prove your point?" I shout, suddenly and unfairly furious at Jake for only seeing what he wants to see. In my temper, I am cruelly sarcastic. "Okay, I'll get over him, Jacob, don't worry. I'm sure the great rotting chasm caused by Edward leaving, which is where my heart should be, will eventually heal if I send him away. Time, heals all, isn't that what they say. It will all be fine."

"Bella, stop it!" He takes me firmly by the shoulders and gave me a good shake. "Stop, now!"

"You stop it!" I yell, seesawing back to frustration. I walk away from him several steps, dragging my fingers through my hair.

"I can't stop it, Jacob, it never stops don't you see? I don't want it to ever stop!" The distress on his face is my undoing, and the anger subsides. I need him to understand and accept that he should not try to tie himself to the sinking ship that will be Bella Swan if I ever lose Edward.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose it with you." I turn my back to face him. He looks slightly pale under his normally dark toned skin.

"Don't you see, Jacob? Your _love_ me, but you're not _in love_ with me." He shakes his head in stubborn denial, not wanting the truth.

"What about Leah and Sam. Don't you understand? Don't you think if we were meant to be, we would have imprinted by now?"

Again I see the vehement denial on his face. He is almost as stubborn as Edward.

"I'm not going to let you use that against me, Bella!" he says angrily, and I'm left thinking: _what the hell does that mean?_

"Would you condemn me, or someone else for that matter, to love you in the short term only to lose you when your true mate comes along?"

I can see it on his face; he would, because he doesn't want any part of his heritage and words like 'mate' and 'imprinting'. He wants what he had, a normal human existence. I'm left with the same feeling that I had before about the way the world has fundamentally shifted around Jake and me and we've got lost and left behind in the process.

"To love you, yes, yes I would."

"Then you're selfish, selfish and arrogant like Edward was when he left!" I snap, frustrated by him as much as the situation we are both facing. I'm not being fair, but he needs to face it like I am.

"How can you say you love _him! _Is it the money? The immortality? He's a cold, dead, thing. What is there to love? Don't compare me to that parasitic animal!" he yells furiously, and I realise he is trembling. "I would never leave you."

Wide eyed, I back up several steps cautiously. "But Jake, you would because you would have to. So you need to wait for the right person, and I should walk away from you now. I should not have used you the way I have. I am sorry for that, Jacob, but I needed my best friend. Worse, I still need you, but not in the way you want me to."

The trembles roll through him like the waves that march in continuous, foamy ranks before crashing on the sand behind us. I can't tell if Jake's trembles are slowing or speeding up, so I back up so more while holding my breath nervously. The memory of Paul's wolf body lunging towards me feeds my nerves.

Jacob shuts his eyes suddenly, and seems to be struggling to get himself under control. I watch the trembling roll through his muscles with suddenly wet eyes, knowing that this is my fault.

I am shaking now, and let my arms move into the customary clinch around myself, like I am trying to hold myself together just for one more second. The simple fact we have discussed Edward leaving is enough to make me tremble with anxiety. Even though it is over, and we are together, I fear there will always be a dark, broken part of me that will forever bare the scar of Edward's desertion on some level. I need him here with me to chase the darkness away, and the ache inside of my chest throbs again painfully.

Jacob sighs suddenly, and I snap my attention back to him. His trembling has stopped. Mine seems to be getting worse. I am so pathetic.

He walks towards me slowly, and his eyes are sad. My fault, all my fault. Warm tears are running down my cold cheeks, and Jake lifts his fiery warm hands to brush them away softly. He's being so tender and patient with me and it only makes me cry harder.

"I will always be here for you Bella in any way you want me to be." He pulls me into his arms and lets me shiver against his broad chest until my shaking subsides somewhat. I selfishly let him hold me because I need to be held.

"Please, Bella, I don't want to see you holding yourself like that again. I can't bare it. Hold onto me instead. Hell, hold onto your leach if you must."

"I'm sorry," I say and pull back from him and wipe my eyes.

"I'm not," Jacob says fiercely. "There's nothing about you and me I regret, and I'm not giving up on us either."

"Jake, you have to let this go for both our sakes."

"Why? Does it make you feel uncomfortable to hear me say I want more from you than being best friends?" I don't answer, but I guess he takes my silence to be some kind of response because his face is suddenly alive with a wild kind of hope.

"Good, I want you to feel it and think about it. I'm always going to be here waiting for you, and I'll be your friend if that's all you will let me be, but I want you to know you have options, Bella. _Always_."

The weight of my responsibility for Jacob's feelings suddenly feels too much. It's like I'm Atlas struggling to keep the world upright. It's too much to think about, and exhausting to fight against at the same time. All I want to do is curl up in Edwards arm and sleep held securely against his chest. To have the comfort of him close to chase my fears and guilt away, even if only for a short time. Coming here to confront Jacob was a mistake and I need to leave for both our sakes.

"I need to go, Jacob."

"It's okay, I can understand that, Bella." I'm sure he doesn't. The almost indulgent smile on his face and new calm confidence are all signs of it: denial – Jacob style. He pulls me into a quick hug, and I let him again.

There is a slight frown on his face when he asks his next question. "Where are you going to go? To the Cullens' house?"

"Yes." He scowls at my answer.

"You have other choices; you could stay with Billy and me."

"You know why I can't do that, Jake."

"I understand, I can be patient," he replies calmly with a warm smile. My heart sinks. How can I explain to him adequately that I don't want him to be patient? I want him to be happy.

Jacob turns and starts to walk back towards the parking lot and the pickup truck. I follow behind him tiredly pulling out my cell phone to call Carlisle. With a frustrated sigh, I thrust the essentially useless phone back into my pocket.

"Damn it!"

"What is it?"

"My cell's dead. Batteries are drained."

"The offer of a bed at Billy's is still open. I'll even sleep on the couch."

"Jake!" I say warningly and he holds up his hands and laughs.

"Kidding, just kidding, but I can't take you to the house. Wrong side of the boundary, obviously. What are you going to do, meet Daddy-leach? I assume your boy-wonder isn't around otherwise you wouldn't be with me now."

I don't correct his assumption about Edward because I'm pretty sure he is right. I also know the conversation that we are likely to have about me visiting 'volatile, young werewolves' is likely to be an interesting one and not in a good way.

"_Edward_ is hunting._ Carlisle_ will be at the hospital – I guess I should go there," I say, hoping my reluctance is not showing in my voice. But of course Jake picks up on it as we climb into the truck and he starts the engine. Jake raises an eyebrow at me questioningly and I can't help but scowl back at him in response.

"What's the matter, I thought everything was rosy again since Prince Charming returned?"

"Stop it, Jake. I'm too tired to be able to deal with you being a jerk."

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just calling it as I see it." I roll my eyes at him, and he laughs loudly, being typically Jake. He turns the truck onto the highway towards Forks, and we sit for what feels like a long time with only the sound of the rain against the windshield and the wiper blades scraping across the glass to interrupt the silence.

Now that everything in quiet and more settled between us, I guess the adrenaline high I must have been running on is waning because I am becoming more aware of just how tired I actually feel. It doesn't help that I am soaked through because of the rain, and my damp hair and clothes against my skin in the cool cab of the truck is making me feel colder. I shiver slightly and try to burrow deeper into the seat.

"You're shivering." Jacob's hand reaches across to touch my face. "I'm sorry, Bella, this old rust bucket doesn't have a working heater. I don't even have a jacket to give you." He seems angry about it.

"It's okay. I'll survive."

"I can offer a hug. Toasty warm werewolf over here." I shrug and watch his lips tighten slightly at my refusal.

"What happened to the Rabbit?" I ask, trying to defuse the sudden atmosphere.

"It's fine, just not big enough to deliver your motorbike. I borrowed this from Quil's Dad."

The truck seems to be moving faster all of a sudden and we pass into the outskirts of Forks, as the forest slowly gives way to houses and signs of urban sprawl.

"Are you sure you want me to drop you at the hospital? I can take you over to Charlie's and you could try to patch it up?"

"Take me to the hospital, Jake. I'm a big girl I can deal with my issues myself." I reply, slightly snappier than I wanted to be. "I'm sorry, I'm tired. I just want to get home."

The truck pulls up to the curb on the far side of the hospital parking lot, and Jacob leaves the engine idling.

"They're not your home, Bella. But I could be if you'd let me."

"I can't do this with you again tonight, Jake, please."

"Sure, sure, whatever you need." He take's my cold hand in his, and pulls it onto his lap. I look down at our clasped hands, and feel the intensity of his gaze on my bent head. "I can't walk you in, being in close to your leaches – well, it wouldn't be a good idea. I've missed you. I'm here if you need anything, okay?"

I look up and him, and nod my understanding with a lump in my throat. "Good night, Jake."

"Night, Bells." He moves quickly as though to kiss me on the mouth, but I turn my head at the last minute and his lips land on my cheek and he sighs. I can hear the frustrated anger in his voice, and I am regretful that I am the person who is making him feel that way. I understand what he is trying to do with his small gestures of intimacy and I don't want to encourage his denial.

"Be safe."

"You too."

I climb out of the truck and turn to see him wave briefly before pulling away. I watch the tail lights of the truck disappear down the road and sit down stiffly on a convenient bench, which humorously enough has an advertisement for Forks Police Department on it.

For the first time tonight, I think about Charlie and feel regret wash over me for the way I spoke to him and how we parted. I suspect he thought I would back down immediately.

_No luck there, Charlie, sorry. _

We argued each other into an impossible position and since neither of us has the ability to bend, and I don't see how it is going to be resolved. All I can do is add it to the growing list of messups and problems I'm collecting and move on to the next problem.

I have what I am sure is a tiredness induced headache. Tiredness caused by too much emotion without a proper outlet or any kind of a resolution. My conversations with Charlie and Jake have caused more harm than good, and I really don't see how my upcoming encounter with Carlisle is going to end well. My mind unhelpfully provides me with a crystal clear memory of me on the stairs at the Cullen house shrieking like a mad banshee. I should apologise, but I don't know if I have it in me to give the words life without choking on them. I don't feel apologetic.

Heaving myself upright with a tired groan, I turn to face the next problem in my vast collection of dilemmas. With no enthusiasm I force my beyond exhausted muscles to move forward. As soaking wet and mentally bankrupt as I am, there is still a spark of reluctance in me to finish this journey, and it is slowing me noticeably down. I cross the wet parking lot keeping my eyes down as though to deny the approaching building. The lights from the windows reflect in the puddles on the tarmac, glowing and growing brighter as I pass into the front entrance over which glow the words, "Forks Hospital Emergency Department".

I walk through the electric glass doors and it is like entering another world compared to the relative quiet outside. People are working industriously around and about me, and for several minutes I managed to remain anonymous amongst their activity.

I know it won't take long for the spectre of Police Chief Swan's daughter standing half drowned in the middle of the Emergency Room to catch somebody's attention, and sure enough one of the nurses approaches slowly with a question on her face. She looks rather like a rider might approach a spooked, loose horse. As if she is worried I might bolt because of a wrong move on her part.

I wasn't going to run. Where else did I have to go? My chest begins to ache again. Not because of the cold or my tiredness, or the absence of Edward, because the ache from that is so constant that I have come to accept it within myself as being normal in a completely subconscious way. Just like you would not stop to question that the sun will rise because it just does.

This ache was different, like my chest was full of sharp shards of broken glass which hurt with each movement and bled with every breath. This ache was the pain of rejection of a father to a daughter, and represents the severed remnants of the Bella who was left behind. This pain and my reluctance to come here tonight has a name, a reason, and an identity. _Carlisle Cullen._

I can see the nurse trying to place my face. No doubt working her way through a portrait gallery of former patients and citizens of the too small to allow anonymity town of Forks. Her face wasn't particularly familiar to me and offers me no clues as to whether she might recognise me as Charlie's daughter or a clumsy teenager who has used the hospital services from time-to-time. It was clear when her memory provided her with the name she was looking for as her face smoothed and a small smile of welcome curved her lips.

"It's Isabella, isn't it?"

I nod, trying to soften my frozen face into a smile. I doubt the result was successful judging by the worry lines that suddenly appear on her brow.

"Edward's Isabella? I wasn't sure, I've only seen you in a photograph in Carlisle's office, of course he's always talking about you kids..."

Just the mention of Edward brings stupid tears to my eyes. I cut her ramble off abruptly, unwilling to hear about Carlisle and his family-man persona.

"Bella... it's just Bella." My voice sounds cracked and shaky, and I realise that my teeth are chattering.

"You're half drowned, hun. What happened?"

My slow under pressure brain tries to come up with a plausible excuse, and I can see that my hesitation is worrying the nurse. I was about to tell her it was 'car trouble', because I don't think 'I've been thrown out by my Dad because I love a vampire instead of the werewolf he approves of' would get a good response.

"It was..."

"Bella?" Carlisle's musical baritone interrupts my lies and I stiffen.

I drop my eyes immediately to the floor, trying desperately to still the shivers that keep trembling through me, and feeling very unready for this meeting. I study Carlisle's scrub clad legs and the bottom of his white coat as a distraction, looking anywhere but up at his face.

"Bella?" Cold hands touch me softly on the cheeks, and tilt my face up to meet his golden eyes. What he sees makes his eyes widen with concern. "What happened?"

I'm struck dumb.

"What happened, sweetheart?" he repeats again.

The way the endearment falls so naturally from his lips sends a different sort of shudder through me and my chest aches even more. Two fat, warm tears slide down my chilled cheeks and the nurse shifts nervously from one foot to another beside us, obviously growing concerned by my behaviour. I'm drawing attention to myself yet again.

"Car trouble," I blurt out. Carlisle's fingers flex infinitesimally against my cheeks and I know he understands that I am lying. If I wasn't quite as cold, I'm sure I would be blushing.

"I thought you were with Rosalie tonight," Carlisle murmurs. "Why isn't she with you?"

"She went home," I say through chattering teeth and watch as Carlisle's face tightens with something that might be frustration.

The nurse's warm hand touches my back softly, and her voice when she speaks is soft and low, "Are you hurt, Bella? Was there an accident?"

My eyes shift to her concerned face. She's holding something back. My attention is attracted to the automatic, glass doors behind her as they whoosh open then closed. The artificially illuminated Emergency Room corridor is reflected on the glass with surprising clarity. Within it is an image of me as clear as if I was standing in front of a mirror. The view isn't good. I'm pale faced with red ringed eyes, shivering and look half drowned. I could be taken for a walking corpse, or certainly some sort of accident victim. Inappropriate laughter bubbles up inside me, but comes out like a half choked sob.

The nurse moves nervously again, shifting around as though she is looking for more help.

"My truck stopped. It was dark...I had to walk. I got wet... scared... My cell battery was flat..." I trail off as more tears run down my face.

Carlisle's hands move to my shoulders and tug me gently until I am nestled against his chest, slightly hanging in his arms like a wet rag as he supports most of my weight.

"It's alright, Bella," he soothes. "Are you uninjured a part from that?"

I nod, too tired to offer anymore words. I've played my part in the charade, so I can let Carlisle handle our exit strategy. _After all, he's proved himself to be good at that_. The thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

"You got a fright, it's completely understandable. You did the right thing, but Edward would be beside himself if he knew about your little adventure." I can hear the slight scolding in his tone, buried within the benevolent care that he so effortlessly emanates.

"Completely understandable," the nurse concurs, her voice now tension free. "Should we call him for you, hun? Edward I mean?"

I shake my head vehemently, and proclaim, "NO!" far too loudly, causing the nurse to frown again. He can't know about the state I'm in right now. I need to be back together before he sees me, or he will crucify himself with guilt again, and all of our talking will be for nothing.

"Don't worry about that, Elaine, Edward is away with his mother and siblings hiking," Carlisle interjects smoothly, "there's no point worrying him when there is nothing he can do. Edward is very protective where Bella is concerned."

I nod again dumbly. "Please don't call him, he'll only worry..."

Carlisle passes a hand softly through my hair, and then chuckles again. "And I'm sure Bella can do without a lecture about road safety from my youngest, after all of tonight's excitement."

Elaine smiles in reply, and touches my shoulder laughing at Carlisle's little 'joke'. "I'm sure Carlisle's right, Bella. You have a very intense young man there, and so handsome, but then, it seems to run in the family," she replies with a mischievous grin in Carlisle direction and he laughs in response.

Carlisle looks over his shoulder and makes a gesture towards one of the other nurses, who comes over to him with a blanket, which he wraps around my shoulders, before rubbing his hands up and down my arms, trying to chaff some warmth back into my skin.

"We need to get you warmed up, and home." I stiffen at the word 'home'. "Do you want me to call Charlie?"

"No!" I half shout far too loudly again.

Carlisle pulls me against his chest again, and I start shivering again with reaction. "Shh, now, it's okay."

"I'm sorry; I'm being such an idiot."

"Not at all. Is Charlie not at home then? Is he working?" Carlisle asks.

"Yes."

"Okay, you'll come home with me then. We'll call Charlie, and let him know where you are. My shift is almost over." He studies his watch. "In about an hour, I'm sure Elaine will let me cut out early," Carlisle says with a charming smile and she laughs almost girlishly. "You go with Elaine now, have a shower and she'll find you something dry to wear, and I'll see you in a while, yes?"

I nod, and am passed over to Elaine, who guides me with an arm around my shoulders through a door marked "Staff Only". She leaves me to shower, and change into some navy scrubs and bag up my wet clothes up while she goes to fetch me a hot drink.

I do feel better, in the physical sense at least, after the warmth of the shower has worked its magic, and with dry clothes, even if I have to put my wet underwear and shoes back on. When I am putting my clothes into the bag left for me by Elaine, several things fall out of the pocket of my jacket, and hit the floor. It is the pill bottles from the bathroom cabinet at home. I study them numbly, but grab for them guiltily when I hear the staff room door open, and hear Elaine call out cheerfully, "All done, Bella?"

The last thing I need is to be found with drugs related to my crazy period, so I stuff them into the pocket of the scrubs and hope that Elaine didn't see anything.

"All right, hun?" she asks again.

"Yes, thank you, I feel better."

"Here." She holds out a jacket for me, and I obediently slide my arms inside. It drowns me, and a sweet scent similar to Edward's but distinctly different hits my senses, and I realise I must be wearing Carlisle's jacket. "Don't want you getting cold again when you're going out to the car now, do we?" Elaine chatters cheerfully, and I follow her mutely back towards the Emergency Room waiting area while a building sense of dread for the trip back to the house with Carlisle settles inside of me. I am sure more than ever that I am not ready for this conversation.

The pill bottles bump against my hip when Elaine settles me into a seat and hands me a hot chocolate in a Styrofoam cup.

"Carlisle should be out in a minute, hun. It was a pleasure to meet you." Elaine smiles her goodbyes, and disappears back into the busy department offices and I am left alone with my thoughts.

I only have a minute at best, and panic makes me feel reckless as my hand pulls the bottles out of the pocket. I didn't stop to think as I tap out two of the sleeping tablets into my hand and throw them into my mouth, chasing them down with a mouth full of hot chocolate. Two seconds later, I regretted my choice, but only a little.

I am stuffing the bottles back into my pocket when Carlisle comes around the corner and I see the frown on his face. I drop my gaze into my lap guiltily, knowing he heard the sound of the pills rattling around. _Damn vampire hearing_.

"Bella?"

I stand up quickly, and turn towards the door hoping to avoid the inevitable questions, so sleep can catch up with me and help to end this most dreadful of days with oblivion. Carlisle's hand comes up against the small of my back and guides me out of the door and towards the dark shape of his Mercedes. He holds the passenger door open for me and I slip reluctantly inside and wait for him to start the engine and pull out. He starts the engine and the car begins to fill with warmth, but he makes no attempt to drive away, and I wait for the inevitable questions.

"What happened today, Bella, where is Rosalie?"

"I don't know where she is, I asked her to give me some time alone. I've been with Jacob, so I was safe. As to the rest, the Cliff Notes version is that I sent Edward away because we needed to "talk", I've apparently broken my werewolf best friend's heart, and Charlie threw me out because he doesn't appreciate my choices."

Carlisle sighs quietly. "I'm sorry, Bella."

Part of me wants to ask just what he is sorry about, for the mess I am in just now, or for the mess he left behind when they moved without bothering to say goodbye. Instead I stay quiet, and stare ahead out of the windscreen.

"And the pills?" I pull them out of my pocket and pass them over to him without looking across to his side of the car. He takes them silently and reads the labels. "Why were these prescribed?"

"To get me through my 'mad period' after you all left." Out of the corner of my eye, I think I see him flinch. "Me being, me; I never did take them. I found them this morning by accident and was going to give them to Alice to get rid of when she got back."

"Until _today_? " The tone of his voice makes me turn to look at him. "I can smell them, Bella."

"I think after the day I have had I'm allowed a little drug induced sleep, don't you?" I reply bluntly. "You can keep those."

He slips them into his pocket and studies me quietly. "I don't know what to say to you, Bella. Apologies seem so inadequate." I hold my hand up, asking him silently to stop, because I can't take anymore tonight. "Okay, let's get you home," he replies quietly. A muscle flexes in his jaw showing his tension as he turns the car out onto the highway, and we pass a good 10 minutes in silence as the car efficiently glides down the highway towards the _Calawah River._

It is eventually Carlisle who breaks the stilted silence. "I assume your cell is at Charlie's house?"

He's actually going to chew me out for not cal fo fling, now of all times? Fine, let him. "No, I have it with me but the battery died. I wasn't lying about that part."

"So Edward hasn't been in contact with you recently?" I nod, feeling a slight fuzziness begin to creep over me. "I'll need to contact Edward. He'll be frantic."

"Please don't, he knows what happened. Being caught talking to Edward was part of the argument with Charlie, why worry him more?"

"I don't know, Bella..."

"Is this about what I need or what Edward needs?" I reply a little too sharply, and then sigh. I'm too damn tired for this.

"Bella..."

"Carlisle, please, all I need right now is sleep, and to know the Edward is coming back. I've asked him to come home already," I reply with a yawn, unconsciously snuggling down deeper in the soft leather seat of the car and warmth of Carlisle's jacket. "Explaining it to him more will only stress him out. He's coming back, that's what I need. Please, just leave it until the morning..."

I know I am mumbling, but my head feels too heavy to care as Carlisle turns off the road and into the winding driveway to his home.

"Okay, Bella, we'll do it your way, but if he calls I am going to have to tell him something."

"Tell him, I'm asleep," I mutter, letting my head slide sideway against the window and giving in to the urge to close my eyes.

I think I feel Carlisle's hand drift through my hair after the car stops, and the cold of the outside air hits the skin of my face as I am lifted from the car and carried into the house. I hear the vague buzz of voices, two male and one female, then nothing more as my back makes contact with something soft. I drop deeper into a dreamless slumber, happy that this rotten day over.

****

Speaking as a person who hates to be the centre of attention, I hadn't been looking forward to returning to school_ at all. _As it turned out it was ridiculously easily. Far from being the source and centre of gossip, it was almost as though we were beneath the attention of the general school population, of no interest at all.

I approached the first class we had this morning with a general feeling of foreboding and a desire to disappear inside the generous folds of Edward's Harvard hoody, which I decided to wear because it was comforting. I even went to the lengths of leaving my hair down, in case I might need it as a shield of sorts. But my preparations, squirming worries, and anxiety had come to nothing. To be honest, it was all a bit odd. I can only assume some other poor unfortunate student was the focus of gossip today, luckily for me. Or perhaps Bella Swan's decline and recovery was now simply old news.

At the least, I had expected to be ambushed by Jessica with a list of questions, or to be quizzed by Mike. Perhaps even to be on the receiving end of some sort of sarcastic comment from Lauren. None of these events occurred. It was almost like we were invisible.

With Edward by my side constantly, after my initial concerns, I was not inclined to poke at the issue further. I left the fact we were being virtually ignored alone and instead of hiding from the gossip, enjoyed Edward's attentive companionship. It was as though he had never left, and that was more than good enough for me.

It's lunchtime now and we're walking to my locker to exchange books and get ready for afternoon classes before heading to the canteen. Edward has one of my hands clasped gently in his own and it feels so right. I can't help but smile secretly to myself and cast a sideways glance in his direction. He's like a personal miracle, and he's mine again.

I don't think I could be any happier. I'm filled up with it so much joy that I feel I'm almost bursting out of my own skin in the most pleasant of ways. If it wasn't for my whole vertically challenged vs. horizontal habits regarding stability and my feet, I might actually have tried to skip. Well, actually – no, but I'm skipping inside my own head nevertheless.

I catch Edward watching me with a quizzical expression on his face, no doubt trying to work out what is going on inside my weirdly wired brain, and I grin back so widely out of plain happiness that I must be displaying every tooth in my mouth. He smiles back gently and lifts the hand he is holding up to his mouth to place a soft kiss onto the back of my hand as we walk along.

As he lifts up my hand I notice the contrast of his carefully manicured fingernails compared to my raggedly chewed ones, it confuses me momentarily. Biting my nails was a nervous habit I picked up just after he left. This isn't something I remember starting again recently. Shrugging mentally, I push the matter aside as inconsequential. With the stress of the last couple of days I might easily have started again and not noticed because of all of the drama.

Beside my locker, Edward stands patiently behind me while I swap my books, and even drops a soft kiss onto the side of my neck causing me to giggle and drop my head forwards to give him better access. He doesn't disappoint, and nuzzles his cold face against my neck briefly before pulling back and taking custody of my book bag and hand again. I flick my loose hair back over my shoulder with my free hand and notice, that far from the clean hair I was expecting, it is heavy and slightly greasy as though passed due for a wash. I had a shower this morning, and I can't believe I didn't notice my hair needed to be washed.

Embarrassed and slightly grossed out, I dig a hair band out of my pocket and stop to twist my hair into a loose bun at the back of my head before securing it tightly. Edward watches me without comment, and I blush scarlet, wondering if he has noticed my personal hygiene slipup. I'm normally more careful about stuff like that, in fact I rarely wear my hair like this, and only started during my mad period for Charlie's benefit to hide the fact that I just wasn't bothering to take care of myself beyond a bare minimum.

Having clean hair back then had seemed so pointless, but then, getting up in the morning, or eating had seemed just as pointless. My slip back into the habits of 'Broken Bella' scares me slightly, and I tighten my hold on Edward's hand for comfort. He squeezes my hand in return, and I feel calm again, even if my hand is shaking slightly. Edward looks down at me again, his expression questioning. I smile again for his benefit and stretch up to drop a kiss on his cheek trying to reassure him I am alright.

We continue on, following the stream of other students who are heading in the direction of the culinary black hole that is Forks High School canteen. I know Edward finds human food rather disgusting, and I doubt the cardboard pizza and other cremated junk food on offer as normal fair at the school could convince him to the contrary. We line up, and filter passed the hot food on offer. I step over to the sandwiches and select a cheese bagel, soda and some fruit. Edward of course follows and fills the tray we are sharing with something similar before moving to the queue by the cash register.

Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper are all seated at their usual table, just like they never left and I follow Edward as he weaves his way towards his family carrying our tray of food. We pass by a table with Jessica, Angela, Mike and Lauren sitting at it, and I get myself ready to smile in a polite but unengaging manner to any hellos they might call out, but they are all sitting talking to each other and do not look in our direction. I'm left with the same feeling I had earlier; it feels as if Edward and I are somehow invisible of something.

Edward pauses, noticing I am getting left behind and I hurry to catch up, shoving aside my thoughts for the more welcoming prospect of the pre-breakup familiarity of lunch with Edward and his family. I sit down beside him, with my chair slightly touching his, and his hand on the small of my back. If I let myself, I could almost imagine his leaving never disturbed our togetherness; like it never happened at all. Rather like retracting a pebble that has been tossed into a pond and smoothing out the ripples it caused so the stillness of the water is recreated. As if the action and counteraction could cancel each other out. I wish it could be that simple, but it isn't.

There is a sudden and extremely loud clattering noise of cutlery and dishes hitting the floor, and I twist around automatically to the source of the noise. I feel instantly sorry for the poor unfortunate person who will be the centre of attention because of a klutzy accident, only to find it is my plate and cutlery on the floor, and my cheese bagel that is split apart and lying amongst the remains.

Confused I look up to see the faces of people at various tables staring, and I blush crimson. If I was invisible before, I'm certainly not now. I look through the staring faces towards Jessica and Mike's table without knowing why and read the varied expression in their faces. Jessica looks amused, hiding her giggle behind her hand, which is covering her mouth, before whispering something into Lauren's ear. Mike looks embarrassed on my behalf, and Angela's gentle eyes are filled with something I'm not sure I understand – compassion?

I turn back to my table, ready to crack a joke at my own clumsy expense before Emmett has a chance to throw in his own, and find the table empty. Panicked I stand and push back from the table, and jump as the loud crashing noise made by falling cutlery reverberates around the room again.

My body jerks in reaction, like I've been electrocuted, and I lift my head up, straightening in my seat in confusion to survey the debris of my lunch lying on the floor. I sit at the empty table as the normal hum of voices in the canteen hushes to take in my predicament.

Nonplussed, I freeze where I sit. I don't understand. I was standing a minute ago, now I'm sitting? I chose a cheese bagel, now there is cold pizza smeared across the floor at my feet and an unopened bottle of water rolling to a stop beside a nearby chair leg. I stare at its motion dumbly through wide open, scared eyes. My brain confirms what is wrong with that image quickly, and I start sucking in panicky breaths in response. I didn't choose water I chose soda.

I look over to the table were Mike and Jessica are sitting, and like some weird déjà vu memory clip, watch as Jessica giggles and whispers to Lauren, Mike looks embarrassed for me and Angela looks at me not with compassion, I realise, but with pity.

My heart in thumping so loudly in my chest that I begin to feel dizzy. Oh God, where is Edward? A quick look back at the table where I am sitting confirms that, yes – I am alone.

_Alone_. This can't be happening. Not again.

I jump up from the table, sending the metal chair screeching back against the floor with a noise the hurts my ears, and gratingly punctuates the almost deafening silence in the canteen. Filled only with the primitive urge to flee; I rush away from the table on shaky legs, stepping onto the pizza slice in my haste and sending myself tumbling to the floor as the food squelches and then slips under my foot. I land almost at Lauren Mallory's feet, and look up in time to catch a sneer passing over her face.

"How pathetic!" she says, staring straight at me with cold eyes.

And with that exclamation of truth from someone who has hated me from day one in this school, I cave in on myself completely. It feels like I'm staring down the funnel of hurricane, because as my panic builds, my vision blurs until it is dark around the edges, but startlingly bright where I can see the eager, staring faces of my classmates watch me unravel. I wish I could block out Lauren's sneering face, and Jessica's eager one in which I can see the birth of a new generation of gossip, but of course their expressions are the sharpest of all.

I struggle to drag air into my lungs, making a horrible gasp...gasp... gasp...noise as I suck air in and out until my head spins. I screw my eyes shut, trying to deny what is happening, because this can't be real, can it?

_I want to wake up now._

I can feel my grip on reality slipping even as my brain struggles to make sense of what is happening behind my tightly closed eye lids. Have I fallen asleep at the canteen table, or was I asleep, and dreaming about waking up? Like trying to imagine what infinity means in a physics class, those thoughts make my head hurt and spiral out of my grasp as my panic climbs.

_Please, I have to wake up now..._

Forcing my eyes open I come back to a world full of sensory overload with too bright lights, loud voices and food smells and the reality of sitting half crouched and half sprawled at the feet of Lauren Mallory, again.

_Please... please...please..._

"I want to wake up now!"

Is that high, anxious whispering voice really me? I don't know anymore because I feel so detached from myself that I can't connect the words with a conscious desire to speak originating inside myself. I didn't think to speak to them, so did I say it out loud at all?

_I need to wake up now._

Laurens hard, blue eyes hold me captive as she stares at me with a look of venomous hatred. Her lips move again, but no sound comes out initially. Confused, I stare as they move again, but she remains mute. A shot of fear races through me, and I scramble to my feet, realising instinctively that I don't actually want to hear what she is trying to say. I've got to get out of here.

With scared eyes I scan the room for Edward, but the small and quite distinct flutter of doubt in my chest makes it hard to concentrate, until I am not sure if he ever was here in the first place.

_Please... please...please..._

But it's all too confusing, and I can't discern one face from another, until they all blur in front of me like I'm standing too close to an impressionist painting. The whole room is a mess of colour and sound and I'm drowning in it. Utterly overwhelmed.

Frightened, I call out for the only person who might be able to save me. "EDWARD!"

Lauren is suddenly speaking again, and this time saying actually words. Even though I know I don't want to look at her, I turn in her direction and her face is suddenly blinding in focus amidst the sea of confusing colour around her, and her cherry red painted lips, clearer still in her angry face.

"Pathetic," she says, and I agree with her assessment. I am pathetic right now.

As if I am standing frozen in the path of a runaway vehicle I continue to stare at Lauren's moving mouth, knowing full well that whatever she says is going to be hurtful, but I can't seem to stop myself.

"No wonder he left you."

I shake my head in denial. This has to be a nightmare, it has to be. I don't care what Lauren says. Edward would never leave me. Could never leave me.

_God, please, I want to wake up now. Please... Please... Please..._

I catch a flash of bronze hair outside of the window moving in the direction of the parking lot, and suddenly my feet have wings and I'm flying towards the door of the canteen in pursuit of Edward, feeling the eyes of every student boring into my back like I have a target on it.

Like the spectre of a secret that has been forgotten and then rediscovered, more words crash into my consciousness. As I am fleeing from the reality of the words spoken by Lauren, I'm crashing into words spoken in his velvet voice.

_Bella, we're leaving... My world is not for you..._

They churn around in my mind, sending agonising pain racing through me, and it feels like my heart has stopped dead in my chest.

_Bella, I don't want you to come with me... You're not good for me..._

I feel like I should be shrieking, "No!" to deny the truth of my memory, and I'm not sure if I do speak because I'm too caught up in his final expression of goodbye to notice such an inconsequence.

I crash into the swinging door of the room with both hands, feeling the force of contact sting against my palms as his last words ring through my head. And I'm suddenly falling...

_It will be as though I never existed._

Tumbling headlong out of the possible reality of the canteen into a dark void of numbness in which I don't care to understand what I am doing, because it is all gone.

Awake or asleep. Real or imagined. Alive or dead. Lost in the drowning desolation of his rejection and loss, I don't care to work out which state of being I exist in, because he is gone...

Willingly now, I let my alertness slide away from me, doing my best to ignore the feeling of wet ferns under my face, and the cold, drops of raining dripping onto my skin to mingle with the tears that have been running down my face since I gave up trying to follow Edward.

I keep my eyes screwed shut, welcoming the darkness in an attempt to hide from the external interruptions of the sounds of the forest around me. Because the sounds distract me from my attempt to disappear. It feels like, for eons, I succeed in keeping the all smother numbness around me. In this state, I am the eternal one, suspended outside of time and sensation and existing without feeling is weirdly comforting.

****

Despite myself, my chest continues to rise and fall with each breath moving in and out, and my heart beats with a slow steady thump, thump, thump. Even as I fight against my recognition of the rhythms of my own body, reality begins to intrude on my misery slowly. Incoherent and heavy, like sounds heard under water; they are hard to hear, and yet easy to ignore because of their muted quality.

Disjointed sensory input is prodding away at my awareness. Interrupting my grief, and chasing away my medicated unconsciousness by increments.

Jasper's voice, soft and urgent.

The mattress shifting under somebody's weight.

A cold hand against my face.

A female voice. Rosalie maybe?

Another male voice joining the female. Carlisle perhaps?

A whispered conversation, indistinct but earnest on a subject that I can't seem to find the urge to care enough to try to listen out for.

Another hand on my face, more words. Gentle, instant, irritating interruptions to my patient waiting for the return of numbing oblivion. I want the numbness. I crave it.

Can't they understand I don't want to wake up? Not this time. If he isn't here, then I don't want to be either. If he doesn't want me, then I don't want to be wanted by anyone.

I'm tired. It's all too hard. I'm tired of living for everybody else when the one thing that I want for myself is denied me. I given all that I can give to everybody else and got nothing back for myself.

No more living for Renee to protect her from a world which has too many sharp corners for her to bump into. No more living for Charlie and his expectations of me being his sensible, low maintenance Bella again, making the sensible choice and settling for Jacob; or suffer his rejection. No more Jacob and his expectations that I should live for him instead of die for Edward, because he needs me to be his imprint even though we both know I'm not. No more! I reject this life, I want another. I only want Edward and he's gone.

Carlisle voice interrupts my train of thought again. Sharp and demanding, with the wrong cold hands against my face. It's wrong, just all wrong. I'm losing my grip on the numbness with every unwilling touch and demand that I return to reality. I can't lose the numbness, I need it. If I can't have Edward, then I will hold onto that.

So I try to curl back into myself drawing away from their selfish demands for attention, and unwelcome pity. Sure that I can shut them out if I try hard enough. Deny their entreaties for me to open my eyes, speak to them, breath for them, live for them. It's too damn hard. I can't find my voice, or my anger, only my need for Edward and without the means to fulfil that wish, my desire for oblivion. I can feel it, just in my grasp as I clench myself into a tighter ball of rejection against their intrusion. Needing the numbness, and waiting for it to settle over me and deaden the pain with a smothering blanket of dark nothingness.

As hard as I am fighting to leave, Jasper is fighting to pull me back with a new urgency, and the anger in his normally quiet voice pierces my protective barrier briefly.

"Call him, Rosalie, I don't care what Alice said she wanted. Do it now."

"Carlisle already tried, he's not answering."

See. All that their demands for consciousness have given me is a confirmation that he has really left. How many more ways can they destroy me with their interruptions?

"Call Alice, or Esme, one of them has to answer."

The noise, when it comes doesn't sound like something that could come from me. A wailing keen like the sound of an animal in pain. Just one word as my fear spikes suddenly. His name shrieked to the heavens, then silence.

"_Edward!"_

"I can't stand this." Rosalie's distressed voice announces, followed by the sound of her retreating footsteps.

"Bella." I'm scooped up off the bed and airborne. Moving across the room in Jasper's arms, then lowered to the floor to be cradled against his chest on his lap, encircled by his legs and arms on all sides as he murmurs my name.

"Bella, damn it, come on. I'm not letting you go back there. Don't you dare give up on me!" Jasper pleads with his head buried in my hair as his cold lips move urgently against my ear.

"Stay with me, call out again, please. Anything."

Carlisle's voice is murmuring again, but in an abstract way. Then cold breath fans against my cheek. Different cold hands hold my face, turning me away from Jasper's chest.

"Bella, listen to me. I've spoken to Esme, Alice and Edward have left already, just like you told me in the car, remember? They're running right now."

I shudder at the word "left".

Carlisle's hands tighten on my face. "No, sweetheart, no. I didn't mean that. I mean they are coming home to you." His hand runs through my hair. "Edward's coming home to you now."

Lies, nice lies to make me wake up. I wonder, just how many different ways a person can break and still be breathing afterwards.

"Anything?"

"Yes, at last. Anguish, denial. She doesn't believe you. Damn you Bella, and your stubbornness. You're forcing me to do this!" Jasper's frustrated growl touches me in ways that are unwelcome. For the first time in a long time, he's frightening me.

"Yes, you feel that. Come, feel for me, and come back to us," his voice croons so softly that it is menacing. So much so that the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

I shot of terror so intense it's primeval in its roots, crashes over me and my body responds instantly with the trebling of my heart rate as adrenaline spikes in my blood stream.

Fear and anxiousness in tsunami sized waves follows, beating against me again and again.

"Feel it, feel how scared we are for you. Come back to us."

Hyperventilating, my eyes shoot open, and I wrench out of Jasper's arms as my fight or flight instinct surfaces. On my hands and knees, I scamble back and away from him until my back slams into a wall and I cower into the corner away from the intensity of the emotion Jasper is slamming into me mercilessly.

"Bella?" Carlisle reaches for me with a horrified expression on his face, but I cower back in response, yelping out, "No!" and he backs off.

Then Jasper is right in front of me, and he _isn't_ backing off.

"No, no, _NO!"_

Jasper reaches for me, an apology on his face, too caught up between hysteria and instinct I shy away instinctively, but he keeps advancing, putting his hands up with a placatory gesture, and I feel heavy lethargy hit me suddenly.

"Bella, I'm not going to hurt you." I flinch at his voice, and he looks saddened.

Turning to the door suddenly, Jasper's face reflects relief and then chagrin, as the door to the bedroom slams open and a windswept Edward appears. The growl that rumbles through his chest is directed at Jasper as he moves with grace and urgency towards me.

They exchange a look as they pass each other, and the growl coming from Edward's chest grows louder, then cuts off abruptly as he crouches down beside me. Caught up in confusion somewhere between watchful terror and exhausting lassitude, I work hard to clear the foggy, medicated confusion from my brain.

His eyes, so dark when I last saw them, are light, warm honey gold again. Evidence that he has finally fed. I let myself drown in them, seeing my own reflection shining back at me from their turbulent depths anchors me. It comforts me to think that my eyes must reflect him too; like we are a part of each other.

"Bella." My name on his lips is like a sigh of relief. As though he has been in pain but the morphine just kicked in.

As quickly as my muddled sense can grasp that he is actually here, my arms grab for him greedily and he reciprocates immediately and suddenly we are flying, out of a bedroom I don't recognise, down the corridor and into his own room and the door slams shut resounding behind us.

He holds me with one arm under my knees and the other across my back, against his hard chest. Even though he is cold, all I can feel is life giving heat at this renewed contact be he's like a slow burn in my blood stream. Even when he left ,the flame didn't leave. It just faltered, faded and threatened to fail, as I threatened to fail with it. Together again the flame is strong and full of new life.

But an earlier sense of my nightmare, lingers with me and I'm worried about my ability to discern reality from dream induced fiction. Burying my face into his neck, I pull in a large breath, seeking the familiar and reassuring scent of his skin. I feel him bury his face in my hair, and wonder if he is doing the same.

Fisting handfuls of his shirt to pull myself closer to him, I realise that he is trembling underneath me.

"Edward?"

"I'm here love."

"You left and I couldn't find you," I stutter. "I couldn't find you."

"I'm here now, you're okay. I won't leave again."

"Swear to me."

"I swear, Bella."

"Swear to me on my life."

"God, Bella! I swear, never... I couldn't –" his voice chokes on the final words. "Never again."

Edward moves over to a large iron bed which I have never seen before, and lies down taking me with him. Placing his head against the pillows, he tries to lay me by his side. I don't want that. I want to be on him, inside him if that was possible. So I cling to material of his shirt and burrow against his chest, my face pressed hard against the hollow of his throat between his chin and shoulder.

"No, like this." I insist needful and demanding like an over tired child. I want him underneath me so that he can't leave without me knowing. The need for this is alive in my frantic demands.

My anxiety is lessening, but the taste of it still lingers, and I want closer contact. My fogged brain doesn't seem to be able to grant my fingers the dexterity they need as I fumble with the buttons of his shirt. When his fingers come up to mine, my heart rate jumps, and I tense ready for rejection. My voice sharp like cut glass and heavy with tears pleads for this too.

"Please, Edward, I need to be closer to you, _ please, please."_

He sits us up and I cringe closer to his chest, desperate to have every last second of contact before he withdraws politely to a safe distance.

"Hush, sweet heart, hush. I need you closer too. Don't cry, please, Love."

His shirt, and shoes are disposed of in a series of swift efficient movements and I am back on top of his chest again, lying flat under the duvet as he moulds my soft shape to the muscular hardness of his chest. Holding me almost too tight against him as one of his large, hands slides under my top so that his forearm and palm are in chilling contact with the skin of my waist and back. His other hand cups my exposed cheek and strokes backwards and forwards, backwards and forward with an almost hypnotic rhythm.

"I can never hold you close enough, Bella, never."

I feel the previous tension in his muscles relax, and feel my own breathing settle and then melt into a gentle, more natural rhythm like my heart. I feel whole again, but I can't remember when I became fractured. I know all of the pieces are back in place now and even if they are not solidly connected yet, at least they're ready to mend and heal.

We are like an intricate and beautiful stain glass window. Separate we are a jumble of colourful, fragile confused pieces. Together, we assemble and have meaning and strength where none existed before. We are unique together, but commonplace apart. Or at least I am. I don't think that Edward, even on his own, could be anything less than beautiful.

I sigh. A satiated, comforted sound. My wants have been catered to and my addiction is once again satisfied with his strength underneath and around me. Holding me as though I am the most precious thing in the world. I stretch against him before settling myself tightly against the contours of his body, as the exhaustion of this dreadful day and night catches up with me.

"I love you." I murmur fuzzily, and feel him smile against the top of my head.

"As I do you, more than I can ever express."

"Thank you." I'm on the edge of sleep, and the words are a struggle to get out.

"For what, love?"

"For talking to me without words...so beautiful...not a monster." My words mush together, like an elongated, sleepy sigh.

His lips sketch a kiss against my forehead, the hand against my cheek is moving into my hair as his arms tightening around me. Holding me securely, like could he never let me go.

"I love you, Bella."

I make a soft hmm noise against the skin of his throat, and drop a sleepy kiss against his skin. He shivers delicately in response.

"Thank you." I whisper again, feeling a contented lassitude trickle through my muscles as I gradually become boneless against him.

"Sleep, sweetheart, don't fight it. I'm here and I'm not leaving you. Sleep," he croons, his voice like melting dark chocolate, seductive and warm.

"Not a monster......my monster......my Edwardian....... my Edward......"

"Yours, only yours," he agrees. "Always yours."

I hum his name against the skin of his neck again and feel his arms tighten around me.

"Hush my love, my Bella, sleep. I have you safe."

His voice heavy, and hypnotic, but I try to linger on the edge of wakefulness to enjoy just being close and the feeling of his voice washing over and through me. A yawn betrays me, and I slip closer to sleep as he pulls the duvet tighter around me, and croons to me softly in his angel's voice.

"Sleep my heart, my Bella, sleep for me, dream for us both."

I fall over the edge into oblivion, and curl tightly against the cold contours of his body, and feel that I am wrapped up warmly in the lush, velvet seduction of his voice. Home at last.

"Hush...Hush...Hush..."


	17. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

If happiness can have a colour, scent, and sensation, I am experiencing them. It is in the golden light warming the skin of my closed eyelids, all around me in the scent of Edward which permeates the sheets, pillows, and comforter of this sinfully comfy bed, and in the feeling of absolute rightness that being here gives me, because I am home.

With my eyes still closed, I stretch and moan softly with pleasure from the sensation of my previously immobile muscles contracting and releasing. Rolling onto my side, I feel across the bed for the familiar, cold comfort of Edward's body and find empty sheets.

Before I have a chance to panic, cold fingers, which are too small to be Edward's, find and hold my searching hand. I open my eyes and see Esme's calm, smiling face as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

"Good morning, sweetheart."

Still holding her hand, I push myself up onto my elbows and blink at her sleepily, trying to find my voice and wondering where Edward could be.

"Esme," I croak, finding it surprisingly difficult to speak because my mouth is so dry.

Esme reaches over to the bedside table and puts a glass of orange juice in my free hand. Sitting up straighter, I swallow quickly with big gulps and the refreshing juice clears the fuzziness from my mouth.

I take a moment to look around the room to confirm Edward's absence. The gold coloured drapes are still pulled across the windows, making it difficult to guess what time it is, but the small clock on Edward's stereo confirms that it morning, and I am already late for school.

_Of course, it's Monday...School, crap!_

I choke on my juice with the realisation of what is ahead of me today; perhaps my second worst nightmare – to be the centre of attention. Before I have a chance to spill the remains of my drink, Esme takes it quickly out of my hand and pats me on the back delicately.

"Carlisle thought you might appreciate a drink when you woke up because of the medication you took." Esme's voice is even toned, and I get the impression that she is picking her words carefully.

Heaving myself upright properly, I look down at my hands guiltily, unsure about what to say to explain myself. Last night had just been too much, and one stupid decision gave me the option to run away from the pain for the first time since my inner numbness lifted. In the warm light of this new morning, I'm thoroughly ashamed of my behaviour, but in the heat of the moment yesterday, it had felt like the right thing to do.

"Esme – I..."

Esme stops my stuttering with a simple embrace, as I try and fail to find the words for an explanation or apology. I'm not even sure which one I'm trying to articulate.

"I understand, Bella. You won't receive any judgements from me. You've been so brave for so long, I recognize how exhausting that must be."

I relax into her accepting embrace with a relieved sigh, but I eventually have to make myself move out of her welcoming arms. The day has already begun without me, and I need to catch up. I look around the room, fully expecting there to be a pile of Alice prepped and approved clothes, and I'm not disappointed.

"All awake now?" Esme asks with humour in her voice, as she watches me stand up and head towards the clothes.

"Yes, all awake and late apparently. Is Edward downstairs?" I ask, wondering if he is giving me some privacy to get dressed or something.

It's not like him to leave me to wake up on my own. I hate to admit it, but there is still the tiniest hum of anxiety in the back of my mind because he isn't here, despite the reality of him returning to me last night. Like a primitive fear of the dark, heights, or fire, that anxiety it's innate in me. A scar that will forever cover the healed wound beneath, but at least a scar indicates that there has been healing, too.

My memories of last night are peculiar, sort of fuzzy yet at the same time, startlingly sharp, like pictures from a dream. I know this is because of the medicated stupor that I put myself in, but Edward's assurances that he was there and would not leave again are real enough to me. Giving myself a mental shake, I remind myself that I should be able to cope with him being out of the room.

If Esme notices my inner distraction she gives no sign of it as she makes the bed and answers my earlier question with her back to me. "No, he had to go with Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper to enrol at the school. Edward thought you might benefit from some extra sleep and didn't want to wake you."

And there it is again, that pang of anxiety created by finding he is not close, but it is controllable, and that realisation pleases me.

As I absorb Esme's explanation, it occurs to me that the story Alice told Charlie about them going back to school during my week of house arrest, had been a tall tale. Then I realise: Jasper was a senior last year, so why does he have to re-register?

"Edward, Alice, and _Jasper_?" I ask, while grabbing Edward's hairbrush and tugging it through my bed hair with hurried, rough strokes.

Standing behind me suddenly, Esme holds her hand out and says, "May I?"

I hand her the brush and follow her back over to the bed, where we both sit down and she begins to brush my hair with slow, gentle strokes. It's very soothing, and I find myself relaxing into the sensation.

"Jasper had the option to graduate like Rosalie and Emmett, but he wanted to attend again. Since you told Charlie that Jasper was having problems before we 'moved' to L.A., it fit rather nicely with our cover story, too. But mostly, I think Jasper wanted to be with you all."

Esme places the hairbrush down, and then cups my cheek with one cool hand. "There, all done and pretty as a picture. Alice saw that you're English teacher was going to ring in sick this morning, so you're not technically missing anything. You have time to a take a shower, and have something to eat. Come downstairs when you're ready. Edward has some breakfast waiting for you."

As it turned out, Edward had more than freshly made apple-cinnamon muffins and coffee waiting for me downstairs. He also left the keys to the Volvo, and a number of items (with helpful post-it notes attached) laid out on the Volvo's passenger seat waiting for me.

My cellphone is already plugged into the stereo, with a post-it saying, "play me" stuck to it, and a small box is sitting beside it with another note that says, "open me at school." I had been expecting Esme to drive me to school; nothing like this.

Dumbstruck, I hover by the open passenger door as Esme waits on the driveway beside the car. She moves me gently around into the driver's seat, and starts the engine for me before I have a chance to argue.

"Esme, what is all this?" I ask stupidly, utterly perplexed.

"Sometimes, it's best not to think too much and just go with things. Now is probably one of those times," she replies with a grin, shutting the door and waving until I put the car into drive and head off gingerly. By the time the house is out of view, lost behind the first turn of the drive, I've started the playlist as instructed, and leave it running all the way to school. The songs it contains are an eclectic mix, and offer me no clues about what might be waiting for me at school.

Confused or otherwise, I enjoy the warm feeling it gives me to listen to the music that Edward took the time to select. Maybe I'm weird, but it makes me feel like he is almost sitting next to me.

When I get to school, I park the Volvo very carefully and walk into the school building, keeping my head down. The parking lot is quiet, as are the corridors because the first classes have not yet finished. I'm grateful for that much at least. I drop by the office, to deal with the normal process for arriving late, and Mrs Cope greets me with a cheerful, "Hello, Bella. Feeling better now?"

"Yes, thank you," I reply as politely as possible, trying my best not to look guilty while playing along to the story that Charlie gave the school.

"Flu can be nasty," Mrs Cope adds, looking me up and down as though inspecting me for spots or something. "You look good. The colour seems to be back in your cheeks. You seemed kind of washed out for the longest time."

As if to help her observations out, I blush and take a vivid interest in studying the chucks that Alice left out for me to wear, cursing my fate in attending such a small school. My high school in Phoenix had a roll of students large enough to ensure anonymousness from the school secretary, unless you were some sort of trouble maker, which I definitely was not. I'm kind of missing that as I squirm under the weight of Mrs Cope's scrutiny and speculation.

"I guess a week in bed helped fix me up," I offer, and she seems to accept my explanation because my hall-pass is in my hand, and I am now heading out the door without further need for conversation.

With Edward's gift burning a hole in my pocket, I head to my locker, but I end up opening the gift box before I even reach it. Inside the wrapping is a jeweller's gift box which contains a pretty gold bracelet made up of flat, circular beads and a note from Edward.

_Darling Bella,_

_I'm sorry I was not there when you woke this morning. As hard as it was to leave you, I felt you needed the extra sleep more than my company. _

_I know you hate gifts, but please wear this for me. "Why" will become clearer later._

_Missing you already._

_Love always,_

_Edward_

He's right. I'm already pretty horrified by the thought of how much this beautiful piece of gold must have cost, but Alice's words from several days ago play again in my head: 'sometimes accepting gifts is as much about the pleasure it gives the giver...have you stopped to think that maybe Edward needs to give you things...' So I put the bracelet on with as good grace as I can manage, and inwardly cringe at the probable expense.

I continue on to my locker and can't help admiring how the light catches the bracelet, and how it feels on my wrist. Elegant and understated, it fits me perfectly, rather like its giver.

The bell rings shrilly, signalling the end of the first lessons as I walk, and the previously empty corridor suddenly fills up as the classroom doors open. I do my best to ignore the passing people, and for the most part they seem not to notice me. I almost have myself convinced there might not be any drama today, and I'm half way to my locker before anything untoward happens. Then Austin comes out of a classroom directly ahead of me with Ben, and almost breaks his neck as he cranes round to watch me walking past. Blushing furiously, I drop my head and let my hair fall across my face, mortified.

I feel somebody bump against my shoulder, and a cold hand pushes something into my hand. I look up in time to see Alice dancing away down the corridor without saying a word. I open my palm to find a set of ear buds.

"I love you, Alice," I say out loud, knowing that if she hasn't _seen_ me say it, she will more than likely be able to hear me. I plug them into my phone, set Edward's playlist playing again, and try to zone out.

When I get to my locker, I find a white rose pushed through the grill with an envelope, and a little baggy dangling from its de-thorned stem. I come to a dead stop in the centre of the corridor, and somebody bumps into me from behind and mutters, "Hey, watch it!"

The crowd moving up and down the corridor has to move around me like I'm an island in the centre of flow of students bustling past. I make my frozen legs move forward and take down the items. Lifting the rose to my face, I enjoy its delicate fragrance and then tuck it carefully away in my locker, in which someone has helpfully left an open bottle of water; Alice I'm guessing.

I turn my attention to the other items, and in the small piece of shelter created by my open locker door, I open them with my back to the corridor. I can't miss the fact that several people appear to be lingering nearby, no doubt speculating over the gifts. Jessica is among them, but thankfully she hasn't tried to approach me, yet. We've not exactly been on talking terms since the night in Port Angeles when I left her on her own. I'm hoping her desire for distance won't be overridden by her need to get the gossip, because I'm really not ready to deal with it.

The bag contains a charm in the shape of a flat, gold heart and it is inscribed with small, stylish writing. With a little gasp, which I try to smoother behind my hand, I realise it's Edward's handwriting written on every part of the charm and on both sides. Within the envelope is a note in the same handwriting.

_Darling Bella,_

_Not because I have to say the words, but because I want to. _

_Love always,_

_Edward_

On the paper are phrases in a variety of different languages covering every available space: _Je t'aime, Ich liebe dich, Ti amo, __私は愛する__。__, __Eu te amo, Я тебя люблю, Σ' αγαπώ, Ik houd van u, T'estimo, Ana behibek, Ta gra agam ort, ani ohev otach, Szeretlek, Eg elska tig..._

Line after line, with both sides filled. The last line on the second page simply says, _I love you. _I turn the charm over with a lump in my throat and realise that the same words are duplicated on the charm_. _

"I love you, too," I mouth silently, fighting back happy tears. Very carefully, I attach the charm to the bracelet, and spend several seconds rubbing the words of love written on the metal between my fingers reverently.

I make my way to Spanish by going the long way around to avoid Jessica and her slack-jawed, gawping. With the ear buds jammed firmly in my ears, and the music cranked up loud, I try to block out the world again. The whole way there I'm scanning for any sign of Edward, Alice, or Jasper and feel like I'm vibrating with impatience when they are nowhere to be seen. When I get to the room, the desk beside my allocated seat is empty as normal, but another note and parcel is waiting for me. This time I don't recognise the writing on the note.

_Hey Bella,_

_When Edward asked me to think of a charm for you, I had to congratulate him on being able to come up with sappy gestures. Bet he's going to be in for some big time smoochies tonight. Perhaps he'll even ask you for a glimpse of your ankles or something, you know how he likes to live dangerously._

I roll my eyes at Emmett's sense of humour, feeling protective of Edward sensibilities, even if they aren't necessarily my own. Heaven knows – if he's all about control, I'm the complete opposite around him, but that doesn't mean I can't feel both understanding and frustration for his love of boundaries.

_Since Edward recognises the awesomeness that is Emmett, I get to choose two. You'll have to wait for the second one, though. What you have there in your sticky little mitts is a Hindu trishula._

I tap the contents of the little velvet bag into my hand. On my palm sits another gold charm, this time in the shape of a stylise trident, or something very like it.

_It could represent, among other things, sisters; three to be exact. It can also represent the three shaktis of will, action, and wisdom. Are you impressed that I'm more than just a pretty face? I rocked that google search, admit it!_

_Please consider this to be the gift that Rosalie would have picked, when she comes around to admitting she likes you. My Rose may come across as being the original immovable object, but underneath the stubbornness and hard shell, she has a huge heart. You will feel the full force of all the love it has in it one day. I'm sure of that. _

_Together Rosalie, Alice, and you will be sisters of will, action, and wisdom. When you throw Esme into that mix, I can see how the men of the Cullen household are going to have a real handful to deal with. Bring it on, I say!_

_You've always been part of our family; don't let Edward's terminal, if admittedly temporary stupidity, and Emo-ward exit make you doubt it. He won't do it again; he doesn't have it in him anymore. I may not have Alice's gift to be able to see into the future, but I know that much._

_Have a good one, 'ickle Sis. Now, go use some of that wisdom and learn stuff. _

_Love,_

_Emmett_

_Xxx_

_P.S. I'm off to lie down. All this profound sweetness and sharing has given me a headache._

I smile as I clip the charm onto my bracelet, enjoying Emmett's humour, even if I'm not convinced by his beliefs regarding a future of sisterhood for Rosalie and me. It would be nice to let myself believe in such a future, but I can't see how someone who seems to view me with as much fondness as dog poo on the bottom of her designer shoes, could ever end up seeing me in that way. I'm mulling that thought over when Angela crouches down beside where I'm sitting and touches my arm.

"Oh, Bella. The Cullens are back aren't they? Are you okay?" she whisper asks with a worried expression on her face. I smile tentatively at her, recognising her question to be out of concern rather than nosiness.

"I'm fine, honestly."

I look up briefly to check that no one is close enough to overhear us, and catch Mike looking in the opposite direction a little too quickly for the gesture to be entirely innocent. _Jeez, does nobody in this school know how to mind their own business?_

I see Angela looking at the bracelet on my wrist, and have to stop myself from hiding my arm under the table. Instead, I rest it on the table top in open view, because the declarations it represents aren't something to hide. I'm beginning to wonder if that is Edward's reason for making this effort in the first place; as if he is deliberately trying to bring everything out in the open. I still don't understand where he is, though, and because I can't help myself, I let my eyes drift to the open classroom door, and feel disappointed when he does not walk through it immediately.

"So it's true what everybody has been saying. That somebody has been leaving you presents all around the school?" she asks, wide eyed.

By 'somebody' I know she means Edward, accustomed as she is to not saying his name in front of me because of my reaction to it during his absence. I'm not willing to get into how messed up this behaviour coming from someone as sweet and open as Angela, feels to me.

"From Edward, yes."

Her lips form an 'o' shape, and it's almost comical. "Have you seen him yet?"

I hesitate to answer, but decide that Angela deserves the truth. "It's kind of complicated. I saw him last night. I'm sort of staying at their house." Of course there is no _sort of_ about it.

I hear a loud, and very unsubtle, gasp from behind us, and we both turn to see Jessica standing behind Angela with her mouth hanging open. Her blue eyes are full of a kind of gleeful surprise. Clearly she just overheard everything I said. I feel myself reddening and drop my head down, letting my hair fall over my face for what feels like the millionth time today.

Before Jessica has a chance to say anything, Miss Goff, the teacher, comes in and asks for everyone to return to their seats. Jessica slides in beside Mike, and I can feel her speculative stare burning a hole into the side of my head.

I want more than anything in this moment for Edward to sit down in his old seat beside me. Unexpected Angela sits down, grabs my hand, which is now on my lap under the table, and gives it a tiny squeeze. I squeeze back, grateful for her support.

"Vuelva a su asiento apropiado, Angela!" Miss Goff says from the front of the class as Angela spreads her pad, book, and pens out on the table and scribbles something furiously. She rips a piece of paper off the pad and scoops her stuff up again ready to leave.

"Sí, Srta. Goff. Apesadumbrado," Angela says, and then mouths "_sorry" _to me.

I smile sheepishly at her in response, and watch as she looks towards the front of the room briefly. She leans over me quickly and drops something into my lap before returning to her proper seat with a conspiratorial smile on her face.

I see Jessica dig Mike in the ribs, and start whispering furiously to him as she blatantly stares in my direction. I tighten my hand around the little bundle that has Angela given me. I'm unwilling to open it with an audience and the delay is kind of annoying me.

"Jessica, hay algo que usted quisiera compartir con el resto de la clase?"

"Ehh...Top of Form

No entiendo lo que...usted dijo...apesadumbrado," Jessica stutters in response.

"Perhaps if you talked a little less and paid attention a little more, you might have understood," Miss Goff reproves in softly accented English. "I asked if you wanted to share something with the class?"

"Err, no. I have nothing to share," Jessica replies with a venomous look in my direction, as if her current predicament is somehow my fault.

"En español, por favour," Miss Goff says sweetly, and I g et the impression that she is enjoying this far too much.

Jessica flushes pink, and shifts in her seat as a number of people snigger at her plight. "No tengo nada... err... hable... Ahh... dicen? Emm... grito?"

"And that is why I ask you to learn your vocab people," Miss Goff says dryly as Jessica sinks down into her seat like she wants to disappear. Miss Goff claps her hands, silencing the sniggering. "Okay, enough now. Let's get started. Atención de la paga ahora. Consigamos comenzados con la lección."

Bottom of Form

I wait until the class has settled back down and we are asked to read a passage out of our text books independently before opening the bundle in my lap. Scrunch up in the ripped-off piece of Angela's pad is an envelope and velvet bag. On the piece of paper Angela has scribbled down, "Jasper Hale stopped me in the corridor and asked me to give you this."

It's another charm, this time in the shape of an open book, and I attach it to the bracelet as inconspicuously as possible. I smooth the note out, which is slightly crumpled, into the open page of my book and read it eagerly.

_Bella,_

_I'm not a man of words particularly, but I wanted to say these to you very badly. I will never be able to adequately explain how contemptible I feel knowing that my slip in control led to so much misery for so many people. You and Edward suffered because of me, and I had to watch my Alice, who is the light of my life, struggle under the weight of my actions without her best friend and sister for comfort._

_I swear you will never have to worry about my control slipping again. You have come to mean too much to me as a sister for me to ever let that happen, no matter what the provocation. I will never let anyone harm you, and that includes me. When you join Edward as one of us, I would like to be able to help you through that transition into your new life as your brother, and I hope as your friend, too._

_I know you said no more blame, but I needed to apologise to you one more time, so thank you for indulging me this far. I picked a book charm for you to represent what I hope can be a new start for us. Our lives together begin now. __Like a journal full of empty pages, our future is yet to be written. Let's start writing it together from now on._

_With love and apologies,_

_Jasper Whitlock, your devoted brother._

All the things that this mismatched family have meant to me – warmth, safety, desertion then despair, and now forgiveness – wash over and it feels hard to breath for a few moments. I barely manage to stutter out a request for permission to be excused before the tears start racing down my face.

Jasper's note makes me realise what it feels like to genuine_ feel_ again, and how hemmed in I have been by keeping my emotions tightly inside of me since they left.

I lock myself into a cubicle in the empty girls' bathroom and let the tears run their course. They are providing relief from a tension I have become so used to carrying with me, that I had forgot it had existed. When they stop, I feel much lighter.

"Thank you, Jasper. I love you, too," I say to my puffy-eyed reflection in the mirror, hoping he will hear me.

I wash my face and straighten myself up before returning to class. Feeling self-conscious as usual, I feel Jessica's eyes track my progress back to my seat. I have a ridiculous urge to turn around, stick my tongue out, and blow the biggest raspberry at her that I can manage. Of course I don't, but the reaction that my imaginary little piece of defiance might have produced amuses me, and I have to suppress an urge to laugh out loud.

As I am sitting down, the sensation of the weight of my bracelet against my wrist and the charms as they brush against the surface of the desk, makes me smile. This reaction repeats each and every time I feel the bracelet move on my wrist, because it reminds me of how much I have to be smiling about.

In between Spanish and my much hated calculus class, I rush back to my locker happy to risk a Bella versus gravity face-plant just to get there a few second quicker. There is another flower waiting for me again, Freesia this time, and I place it carefully in the neck of the bottle of water with the rose to keep it fresh. Again there is a velvet bag and a note.

I open the bag and a crystal heart falls out. It glitters on the palm of my hand, catching the light from the fluorescents overhead, and throwing soft rainbows of colour against the pale skin of my palm. I tear open the note eagerly, trying to ignore the fact the Mike and Eric appear to have taken up residency against the opposite bank of lockers.

_I carry your heart with me (I carry it in  
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere  
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing, my darling)  
I fear  
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want  
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)  
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you_

here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows  
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

_(I Carry Your Heart With Me – E. E. Cummings)_

_My beautiful Bella,_

_A heart for a heart. It only seems fair. It has always been yours._

_Love always,_

_Edward_

_x_

_As mine has always been yours._ If it wasn't for my audience, I would have said the words out loud, but I swallow the words back passed the lump I suddenly seem to have in my throat. It's there again. That fluttering of anxiety inside me, or perhaps it's not anxiety so much as want. I clip the charm in place with the others, trying to keep myself in the happy place that Edward's words created, but the pain of his absence persists, and it's getting louder.

Consumed by this growing feeling of need and absence, I turn away from my locker to walk to calculus. In my haste, I bump lightly into Mike, who has left his post propping up somebody else's locker, and come over to my side of the corridor.

"Woah, steady there, Bella."

"Sorry, Mike. I'm being kind of a klutz today, I guess." I step away from his hands when it looks like he's going to try to catch hold of my shoulders.

"No harm, no foul." He shrugs, but continues to hover without getting to a point.

"Okay. Thanks, Mike." I take a step to the side, and he follows me. I raise my eyebrows at him, and he makes a sort of embarrassed huffing noise.

"So, uhh. The Cullens are back, then?"

"Seems to be all that everybody is talking about today," I reply noncommittally, doing my best to be patient. Mike has never done me any harm, and in fact, was one of the few friends, like Angela, who stuck by me through my mad period. I owe him a little time and politeness.

"All of them?"

"Yes."

"So, you and he..." Mike squirms a little, and I almost feel sorry for him.

"Yes," I snap, and then try to soften my tone. "Look, I'm sorry, Mike, but I'm going to be late for class. You will be, too, if you don't get going." With more speed than grace, I step around Mike and head off down the corridor, keeping my head down.

"See you later then," I hear Mike call out, but I don't turn to acknowledge him.

I hurry along to the classroom eager to see what I'm going to find next. Someone grabs me as I'm about to go through the door.

"Alice!" I say happily, and hug her. "Where's Edward?" She returns the hug, but pulls back quickly with a slightly irritated look crossing her face.

"Hi, Bella. Look I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to switch up the schedule a bit." She puts a small bundle into each of my hands.

"What, I don't understand. You look cross? Is something wrong?"

"No...yes. It will be fine in the end. Look, please don't worry. Trust me, okay?"

"You and Edward aren't fighting again, are you?" I ask, worried and unsettled to see Alice being less than her perktastically cheerful self.

"No, but I can't say I appreciate his last minute addition to my selection," she huffs slightly, and looks as though she is pouting.

,

"Alice, what's..."

"Nothing you need to worry about. Heavens, Bella, don't you know by now that I have things under control?" She rolls her eyes at me as if to say _duh!_

"How are you doing? Okay?" Alice steps back, and looks me up and down, as though checking me for injuries.

"I'm fine, really. But where's Edward?" I ask impatiently.

The bell rings, and she steps back from me. "You'd better go in, don't want to be late for the wonderful world of calculus."

"_Right," _I reply without humour.

Alice turns me around and gives me a little push towards the doorway. Without any other choice in the matter, I go into the classroom anyway muttering, "As if calculus is ever going to be useful to me."

"There are many mathematicians, engineers, and the like who would disagree with you, Miss Swan!" Mr Lopez, the teacher, replies to my unintended question with humour from his position by the door. "Don't worry; I won't take your comments personally. Go take your seat."

Mentally slapping myself on the forehead, I scuttle of to my seat and find another present waiting for me on my desk.

With one present in each hand, and another on the desk, it definitely looks like Edward has been keeping FedEx's express delivery service busy. I stifle a giggle behind my hand, feeling slightly giddy and a bit silly at the same time.

"Okay, happy, young people of Forks High, today we are going to explore the fast, fun world of finding the area of an ellipse."

A sort of collective groan is emitted by the class which seems to amuse Mr Lopez hugely. "I know, I know. You just can't wait to get stuck in, can you?" He chuckles at his own joke, and begins scribbling on the white board.

"You need integral calculus to find the area of the ellipse. If you think of the area in the first quadrant with x and y both positive, the area is given by INT(0 to a)[y dx]. _So, _we're going to let the equation of the ellipse in parametric form be: x= a cos(theta), y= b sin(theta), dx = -a sin(theta) d(theta)..."

His pen against the whiteboard makes a faint squeaking noise, and the smell of the dry wipe marker drifts across the room sickly sweet and chemically. All I can concentrate on is the three parcels in my lap. Dare I open one? I guess I do because I already have one envelope open.

Two charms drop out. One is a Yin Yang symbol, which I recognise from one of Renee's many ventures into the world of alternative therapies, and the other is a handbag.

"Area = INT(pi/2 to 0)[-b sin(theta) * a sin(theta) * d(theta)], = INT(0 to pi/2)[absin^2(theta) * d(theta)], = INT(0 to pi/2)[(ab/2)(1-cos(2theta) * d(theta)] and..." Mr Lopez drones on as I spread the note out inside my text book, trying to be subtle about ignoring what he is reviewing on the board.

_Dear Bella,_

_Don't you just love my charm? It's a Yin Yang symbol, the Gucci shopping bag is from Edward. I guess I should appreciate the return of his dry sense of humour, but I expect you to deal with him later about it, to show your sisterly solidarity, okay?_

_Anyway yin and yang. That's you and me. You're my other sisterly half, sort of like twins, only without the genetic connection. I'm the half with the dress sense which, luckily for you, I am more than happy to share. Perhaps that's what Edward meant with the second charm. I can be charitable about it, and consider it that way. Maybe you don't have to sort him out later after all._

Good grief, I wonder if she took a single breath while she wrote this all down. I risk a glance up to the front of the room. Mr Lopez is still writing down the equation.

" = (ab/2)[(theta) - (1/2)sin(2theta)] from 0 to pi/2

= (ab/2)[pi/2 - 0]

= pi*ab/4

"Can anyone explain..." he suddenly asks.

I look back down at my book, or rather Alice's note, before Mr Lopez has a chance to think I'm volunteering to answer, and continue to read.

_Or, he might be suggesting I have a shopping addiction. 'Shopping Monster' is such an ugly title, don't you think? I'm sure you wouldn't let Edward be cruel enough to use it when talking about me, ever again._

_What was I saying? Yes – yin and yang. That's you and me. Destined to be together forever as sisters, and don't you ever doubt that._

_Love,_

_Alice_

_P.S. You might want to pay attention about now, the answer is pi*ab_

"The total area of the ellipse will be 4 times this area. So, Miss Swan, who appears to be daydreaming into her text book, the area of the ellipse is?"

_Oh great. All eyes are on me yet again_. "pi*ab?" I venture with a half hearted smile.

"Very good, perhaps you were paying attention after all."

Thank you, Alice.

_P.P.S See, I've got your back, twin. See you at lunch._

The next note is easier to read without getting caught, because we have moved onto a revision of the problems that were set for homework, and I have actually done these already.

The charm is a gold teddy bear, which looks like a gummy bear. This has to be from Emmett. The note confirms my guess.

_Hey again Bella,_

_Like I said before, all the profoundness and mush gave me a headache, so here instead is a poem about your charm:_

_There were Two Little Bears who lived in a Wood,  
And one of them was Bad and the other was Good.  
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times One -  
But Bad Bear left all his buttons undone._

They lived in a Tree when the weather was hot,  
And one of them was Good, and the other was Not.  
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Two -  
But Bad Bear's thingummies were worn right through.

They lived in a Cave when the weather was cold,  
And they Did, and they Didn't Do, what they were told.  
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Three -  
But Bad Bear never had his hand-ker-chee.

They lived in the Wood with a Kind Old Aunt,  
And one said 'Yes'm,' and the other said 'Shan't!'  
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Four -  
But Bad Bear's knicketies were terrible tore.

And then quite suddenly (just like Us)  
One got Better and the other got Wuss.  
Good Bear muddled his Twice Times Three -  
But Bad Bear coughed in his hand-ker-chee!

Good Bear muddled his Twice Times Two -  
But Bad Bear's thingummies looked like new.  
Good Bear muddled his Twice Times One -  
But Bad Bear never left his buttons undone.

There may be a Moral, though some say not;  
I think there's a moral, though I don't know what.  
But if one gets better, as the other gets wuss,  
These Two Little Bears are just like Us.  
For Christopher remembers up to Twice Times Ten ...  
But I keep forgetting where I put my pen.*

* So I have had to write this one in pencil.

(Twice Times by A. A. Milne)  


I giggle, because Emmett actually did write the note in pencil.

_That's by A. A. Milne by the way, not me. And just so we're clear, I'm not the Wuss bear. Laters lovely sis'. Wear your gummy Emmett with pride, and I know I will always be there if you need me._

_Love,_

_Emmett_

_P.S. I also don't have a clue who "Christopher" is either, I just liked the words. Google's kind of addictive, isn't it?_

A round of questions and answer stop me from being able to open the third charm, because I actually have to pay attention. However, this time Mr Lopez seems intent on torturing Ben, who seems about as clueless as I am. He is sitting by Eric, the acknowledge maths whiz, who is practically vibrating with frustration each time Ben struggles to answer.

When Mr Lopez returns to his beloved whiteboard, I grab the chance to open the final gift.

I shake a small gold charm of a compass into my hand. It has an electric blue enamel face with the points of the compass written on it in black, and a needle which moves as I move my hand. This, I am sure, is from Edward.

_Darling Bella,_

_From the first moment I met you, you were the compass with which I found my true direction. Without you I was lost, but when I returned to you I found my path again. So I offer you a compass to remind you of what you mean to me, and to represent the fact that I will always find my way back to you._

_You are my silence in a noisy world, the light in the deepest of my darkness, and my courage when all other hope has gone. You are my world, in every sense._

_I love you, miss you, and can't wait to see you later,_

_Edward_

_P.S. I don't care what the midget says, she is a Shopping Monster!_

I burst out laughing without thinking about the consequences, and have to turn it into a cough to cover my outburst. This ends up with me half choking, and being offered the opportunity to go and get a drink by Mr Lopez, which I decline while blushing brighter than ever.

I don't worry about the embarrassment long, since Mr Lopez directs the class away from me quickly enough, and I am left alone to fidget in my seat with an urgent desire for the clock to move faster. Next up will be lunch, and Alice said she was going to see me there. So that most likely means that Edward will be there, too. And if he isn't, I'm going to get my little Shopping Monster of a twin to bring him to me no matter what. If he's addicted to me, I am just as addicted to him. In the best sense of the word, I need my next fix. Badly.

After calculus, I half walk/half run to the cafeteria without bothering to stop to dump my books at my locker. There may be another beautiful charm, and lovingly written note waiting for me, but that's not what I need right now. I need Edward. I make myself slow to a proper walk as I come to the double swinging doors.

I push open the door with an anticipatory breath, and rush in. A scan of the room reveals the usual mob of students queuing, chatting, sitting, and eating. It might be my imagination, but I think the sound level in the room drops slightly at my entrance. Certainly several people turn in my direction and all activity at the table were Jessica, Lauren, and several others are sitting seems to stop.

Disconcertingly I am suddenly reminded of my dream from last night. It's all rather familiar, and a cold creep of fear drifts down my spine, heavy and unsettling. I scan the room for Edward, and I can feel my heart rate pick up anxiously when I don't immediately find him. My eyes land on Alice and Jasper sitting at what had been the Cullen's former table. Jasper looks like he is going to get up, and the expression on his usually carefully schooled features, reflects concern. Alice grabs his hand before he has a chance to stand up fully, and she pulls him back down again with a pointed look.

All eyes at Lauren and Jessica's table swivel between me and the Cullens like they are watching a game of tennis or something, and I am struck with the notion that I'm not willing to indulge them with a spectacle. So I stick my nose in the air in a rather lame attempt to channel Rosalie's don't-give-a-damn vibe and walk over to Alice and Jasper, inwardly quaking.

"See," Alice is saying to Jasper as I sit down. "Hi, Bella, we got you some food." A tray containing salad and a burger in a bun is pushed in front of me. "You should eat. You look kind of pale. Edward won't like that."

"Are you okay, Bella?" Jasper asks, opening a bottle of water for me and adding it to the tray of food provided by Alice.

"I'm okay. Not loving being the hot topic of gossip, but I'll survive."

"I can't imagine why," Alice says sarcastically with a scowl in the direction of Jessica, who has her brown head bent towards Lauren's as they continue to whisper.

Jasper catches my eye, and smiles warmly at me, holding my attention for several seconds. I finger Jasper's charm on my bracelet and try to find a way to express how much it means to me. How much they all mean to me for that matter.

"I really don't know what to say to explain how much..." I trail of lamely, but Jasper's smile is enough to tell me he already knows.

"You don't have to say anything at all," he replies, and puts his arm carefully around my shoulder and squeezes me briefly. "We're good with this."

"Where's Edward?" I ask Alice. "I've loved every single one of the notes and charms. They mean the world to me, but I just want to see him now."

"I know," Alice replies, still staring at Lauren and Jessica's table. "He should be here any minute now, don't worry." She turns and stares pointedly at Jasper at exactly the same moment that Edward appears through the swinging doors.

If the conversation level went quieter when I entered the room, it becomes positively whispery at Edward's entrance, and I know exactly why. The central player in the drama of Bella Swan's decline and recovery has entered the stage, and the audience is waiting for his first line. His beautifully thought out, and publically displayed tokens of love, have set the scene for this meeting, and Forks High School wants to see what happens next.

I meet his eyes almost immediately, and it's like the entire chaos and drama in the room disappears, so there is only him and me and his slow progress towards the table. I smile at him, and he smiles back so beautifully that it feels like it lights up the whole room. I can't understand how I've managed to be without him all day and still be breathing.

He continues to walk across the seemingly endless floor space between us, with my favourite lopsided grin on his face, and my heart starts hammering against my ribs excitedly in response. I'm wondering if I can get away with running straight into his arms, when Alice is suddenly sitting right beside me and putting a restraining hand on my knee.

"Alice, what are you doing?"

"Shh," she hushes me. "Wait a minute and you'll see." I whip my head back around towards Edward, anxious because our connection was interrupted. He is frowning suddenly and seems to be walking a little faster, but before he makes it passed the table of still whispering former friends, Lauren is suddenly on her feet and catching hold of his arm. I freeze in shock as Edward stops walking and turns to face her with a strangely blank expression on his face.

"Hi, Edward. I just wanted to welcome you back to the school," Lauren says loud enough for her voice to carry across the room. "We were wondering if you might want to join us?" She's still holding on to his arm, and her body language seems off because she is all chest up front and centre and hip popping from the side. Then I get it, she actually flirting with him.

I turn to look at Alice and Jasper to find them both watching the scene between Lauren and Edward with remarkable concentration. Without thinking about it consciously, I am suddenly on my feet, but I have no clue what I am intending to do. Alice doesn't try to stop me this time.

"That's a very charming offer, Lauren, but I was intending to have lunch with my family," Edward says politely, all the time looking at me as he removes her hand from his arm.

Lauren's eyes flicker from Edward to me and back again. There is a kind of calculated maliciousness in them that I really don't like. Once again, all eyes in the canteen seem to be on us, and the knowledge of that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"Your family?" Lauren repeats, while aiming a carefully timed sneer in my direction. I flinch slightly. "Jessica said that Bella was telling anyone who would listen that she had moved in to your house. So, you're all moved into together?" Lauren giggles as though the idea is ridiculous and thrusts her chest out just a little bit more. "So what is she, your sister? House pet?"

When she steps closer to Edward again, I have had enough. I have two choices. I can bolt for the door where the sanctuary of anywhere other than here exists, or I can fling myself into the circus ring. I choose the latter, and I am shaking in my chucks with each step I take.

Lauren reaches out to touch Edward's arm again, and he flings it off reflexively. His eyes are as black as I have ever seen them and his expression is bordering on murderous. For someone as petty and inconsequential as Lauren to have gotten under his skin, he has to be on the edge of his control. On the periphery of my vision I can see that Alice is now hovering beside the table as though keeping wary track of the confrontation. Curiously Jasper is still sitting.

Lauren reaches out to touch him again, and I wonder if the she has any sense of self preservation. Edward holds out his hand as if to ward her off.

"I'm whatever she'll let me be in her life, and I will be grateful for whatever I can have after the mistakes I've made." I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. This is Edward's public apology. All the openly displayed presents and notes, Alice 'moving up the program'; it has all had been leading up to this moment.

Needing contact, I step up and under Edward's outstretched arm, and mould myself to his side. I can feel his fury in the way he is holding himself.

"Edward?" I say his name softly, and at the same time, slide my arm across the tense muscles of his back.

Lauren looks down her nose at me with a sneer, and I shake inwardly, but Edward relaxes slightly against me, and pulls me into his side with one arm.

Being in physical contact with him again, gives me the strength to do what I know I need to do to end this. Here is my publicly expressed forgiveness, and then all of the bug-eyed onlookers and snide little whisperers, can go to hell for all I care. Lauren in particular. All my nervousness over the similarity of this situation to my dream is gone, replaced with a singular desire to tell Lauren to go to hell. She has hated me from the first day I got here for no good reason, and I'm done with being placid about it.

Lauren scoffs, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm his girlfriend, Lauren, get over it," I snap, surprised that the words came out of my own mouth as loudly as they do.

"The mouse speaks!" Lauren shouts to the canteen at large, clearly on a roll. Though God alone knows what she thinks she is going to achieve with this shit. Whatever she is saying out loud must be a lot tamer than what she is thinking, because Edward actually growls at her. I feel the muscles of his back going ridged under my arm as he leans closer; as if he is going to pounce.

Alice is suddenly in front of us, between Edward and Lauren.

"You heard her, she's his girlfriend, and she's a Cullen. So get the hell over it and move along, Lauren." Dainty, feminine, little Alice looks like she is ready to rip Lauren to bits. I swallow nervously, worried by how wrong this situation could very suddenly go if somebody doesn't back down.

Edward is suddenly shaking with laughter, and his voice carries clearly across the length of the crowded canteen as he stares Lauren down, "Wait? You thought you and I?" He looks from me to Lauren, and his face is cold. He's looking at Lauren like she is something nasty he stepped in, and his voice reflects his revulsion as he laughs again, but coldly this time. "You're deluded if you think I would ever choose you over Bella." He turns away from Lauren and she is dismissed and publicly humiliated with one carefully orchestrated move on his part.

"Come, Bella, love." He takes my hand and leads me over to the table where Jasper is still sitting, and Alice walks lightly along beside us.

Edward pulls out a seat for me and waits for me to sit. With my heart thumping crazily in my chest, I shake my head and push him down into it instead. He complies willingly enough with a questioning look on his face. Before he can guess my next move I sit down on his lap, fling my arms around his neck, and kiss him as thoroughly. As forcefully and thoroughly as I can without coming into contact with his teeth. We're both a little breathless when he pulls back.

Alice claps delightedly while bouncing around in her seat. "Way to go, Bella. Show them who your man is. That worked out so much better than when I first saw it. I didn't know you had it in you." She almost crows with glee.

I rest my forehead against Edward's for several seconds, and feel a warm blush drift across my face and down my neck. Now that my adrenaline rush is ebbing, I'm embarrassed by my brazen behaviour. I move to get out of his lap, but Edward's arms tighten around me.

"No, don't go," Edward murmurs as he buries his face into my hair, and puts his cold cheek against my neck. "It's so good to hold you. It's been agony to stay away from you all morning. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I want you here."

"So why did you stay away so long," I scold, ungratefully.

He pulls back to look at me and he has an intense expression on his face. "There were things I needed to say, that wouldn't have been said properly if I'd been around. Do you forgive me?"

"You buy me beautiful jewellery, write me beautiful notes, and pretty much prostrate yourself at my feet in front of the whole school with a declaration of love, and think you have something to be forgiven about?" I ask incredulously.

"It was rather publicly done, love, and accepting gifts isn't exactly your thing," he says against my ear, and I shiver delicately in reaction, only just managing to pay attention to what he is saying.

Smiling at me suddenly, Edwards says, "It makes me happy to know you enjoyed my efforts. I was worried the outcome might be less positive."

He's teasing me gently, so I tease back. "I'm gift reformed," I reply, smiling at Alice. "Well a little bit at least."

Edward chuckles and then pulls my tray towards me, and offers me a fork. "You should eat. We only have a few minutes of the lunch break left. You look pale, are you okay?"

Alice rolls her eyes at Edward, and I stifle a giggle, feeling full up of happiness and not the least bit hungry. But I spear some salad with the fork and eat it for Edward's benefit. The burger doesn't look particularly appetising.

"Don't worry," Alice says, "I've put some snacks in your locker for later."

"So this is what you had to 'switch up the schedule' for?" I ask, while munching on some cucumber.

"The jealous little what's-it had it coming," Alice says happily. "She'd been planning some sort of public scene involving you all day. She's envious of the attention you've been getting."

"I don't understand why, it's not like I want, or enjoy, the attention. Wait, what do you mean? Had what coming?" I ask, looking suspiciously at the smirking vampires who are sitting around the table.

"Jasper might have helped Lauren a bit," Edward says with a grin in Jasper's direction.

"Oh," I reply feeling slightly deflated. So my sudden burst of public courage hadn't been all me.

"Edward said I helped _Lauren_ out, Bella. I had nothing else to do with the rest," Jasper murmurs, answering my emotional upset with uncanny accuracy.

Edward is suddenly lifting me off of his lap and putting me down on a seat on my own. "I have to go sort something out." He drops a kiss onto my head just as the bell rings.

"What, no. Why? Where are you going?" I protest.

"I'm going to leave you with Alice and Jasper. I'll see you in Biology, okay?"

"Do you promise?" I ask, feeling suddenly unsure.

Edward reaches down for the compass charm on my bracelet, and shows it to me pointedly. "I will always find my way back to you, remember?"

I smile tentatively in return, and he smiles back, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. My momentary doubt has wounded him, I realise. I make myself smile wider, trying to communicate my belief that he will come back through my eyes. "I'll see you in biology, then."

He brushes his knuckles across one of my cheek bones, and then is gone.

"No need for the tragedy mask, Bella. He will meet you in biology which is your next class, and my next class, too, which works out wonderfully, don't you think?" Alice says cheerfully.

The canteen is emptying of students, and Alice, Jasper, and I get up to leave. "I don't understand what he can achieve in the what? The three minutes it will take for us to walk from here to the biology room, that couldn't wait."

"He's being Edward, okay. Now stop whinging," Alice scolds. I scowl at her grumpily, and she sticks her tongue out in retaliation.

"What's your next class, Jasper?"

"Biology. How's that for a coincidence," Jasper replies wryly as we arrive at the biology classroom.

As promised, Edward is sitting in his old seat right next to mine, waiting for me. "I'll see you guys later," I say, already drawn towards Edward like a month to the warmest of lights. I sit down next to him and am vaguely aware of Alice and Jasper sitting together somewhere behind us.

"Hi, I don't think we've been introduced, I'm Edward Cullen and you must be Isabella Swan." He holds out his hand with an adorable smile on his face, and I take it with pretend seriousness and shake it.

"It's just Bella."

"Well, 'just Bella', it's a pleasure to meet you."

I lean in closer to him. "This is what you wanted to do?"

"This is where it all began, and I want this to be a new start for us. So why not start from the beginning as it should have occurred."

"You're such a...I don't know...dork."

"But you love me, anyway?" he says, moving closer to me.

"I think I just might."

"Only might?" His lips are only centimetres away from my own, and I feel his cool breath fan across my face.

"Well, that depends." I pretend to debate the topic, but suddenly his lips are against mine, and all coherent thought leaves me in a rush along with my breath, common sense, and any ability to register where we are right now.

When he moves away from me, it takes me several minutes to get my wits back together.

"So," he asks, smiling wickedly. "Have you decided?"

"You're still kind of a dork, but you're my dork, and I love you."

He takes my hand under the table and holds onto it for the rest of the lesson, which makes taking notes rather difficult, but I couldn't care less.

Despite having gym without Edward, nothing manages to pierce my happy bubble throughout another one of my least favourite classes. I manage to pass the time playing basket ball without injuring myself or others, so that is a win in itself, and the sight of Edward propping up the wall outside of the changing rooms is like the icing on the cake for me.

He takes my bag from me and swings it over his shoulder before taking my hand and leading me out to the parking lot. Alice and Jasper are waiting for us, standing beside a very large, very new black Volvo 4x4. Alice has an amused expression on her face as she watches us approach the car, which also happens to be parked beside the silver Volvo.

Perhaps I'm in a bit of a state of denial, because I pull Edward's car keys out of my pocket and offer them to him. He smiles at me crookedly and refused to take them.

"Sorry, I can't. I've got one of my own to drive. He produces a set of keys from his own pocket and unlocks the black car with a flourish. "See."

"But this is your car," I splutter.

"Actually it's not; I'm not even on the insurance. It's registered to an Isabella Swan."

"You didn't..."

"Oh, he did," Jasper replies, leaning back against the black car in the manner of somebody who is settling down to watch something interesting about to happen.

"I thought you were gift reformed," Alice interjects.

"This is a lot more than some jewellery."

"You need a car, Edward had a spare car. What's the problem?"

"I – that's hardly the point."

"You've lost this argument already, Bella. Just bow to the victory gracefully, and let's get home. You look kind of shell shocked, you'd better let me drive. I am on the insurance," Alice says, plucking the keys from my fingers. "Race you home, Edward?"

When we get back, Rosalie is notable by her absence, Esme is cooking in the kitchen, and Emmett is propped up against the counter at her side, watching as she works. Edward takes my bag off my shoulder and disappears out the door with it as I walk into the room with Alice and Jasper following.

"Hi kids, how'd it go?" Esme asks as she bends down to slide what looks like a quiche into the oven. "I started dinner for you, Bella." There are an array of dishes and plates all filled with food laid out on the opposite counter cooling. It looks like she has been cooking for a small army.

Seeing me looking over at the food, Esme's smile widens. "I wasn't sure what you'd like, so did a few different things."

Emmett looks over to Jasper and Alice and smirks, "So Jas, how's you return to education with a new label of _problem pupil_ been?"

Jasper rolls his eyes at Emmett. "About as good as you can expect. It started with a firm conversation with the Principal to make sure I understood his 'expectations', then went onto how things that might be tolerated in a some 'la-de-da LA school' would not be tolerated in good ol' Forks. He's going to be watching me apparently."

"Classic. I'd have paid for a video of that conversation." Emmett sniggers, and Alice giggles.

"I'm sure you took it on the chin like the Southern gentleman that you are," she says, dropping a kiss on Jasper's lips.

"But of course, mam," he drawls, exaggerating his normally subtle twang. Suddenly Alice dances back from him with an altogether different sort of giggle. "But you, you little minx, could have given me a warning." He starts stalking her around the room as Alice moves away from him backwards.

"But where's the fun in that?" she challenges as she backs towards the doorway.

"I'll show you, just you wait!" Jasper play growls before lunging towards Alice, but she is already gone, flying down the corridor leaving the sound of her retreating giggles behind her as Jasper takes off after her rapidly. The front door bangs loudly behind them.

"Don't mind them, Bella. Jasper finds school kind of taxing. Alice and he will be off working on helping him _relax_, if you know what I mean." The calm cadence of Emmett's voice is completely contradictory to the lascivious way he is waggling his eyes brows.

I jump slightly as Edward's arms come around me from behind, but melt back into him as he pulls me against his chest before dropping a kiss onto my neck.

"Just ignore him, love. You well _know_ how Emmett is."

Esme looks up from her cooking, and her smile is so happy when she sees Edward and me together, that it's practically brighter than the sun. Emmett strides over to her wearing what I am beginning to recognise as his troublemaker expression, and throws a beefy arm around her shoulders.

"Look, Ma. You're youngest is all grown up. He's got a girlfriend, chest hair, and everything."

I feel Edward sigh against the skin of my neck, suggesting that whatever Emmett might be saying out loud is mild compared to what is being said inside his head.

I scowl at Emmett, feeling automatically protective of Edward, despite the fact that he is clearly able to look after himself.

"You don't need to be jealous, Emmett."

"What on earth would I be jealous off?" he scoffs as I take Edward's hand, and start to lead him out of the room.

"You'll get chest hair soon, I'm sure." I say dryly over my shoulder, and pull Edward laughing out of the room with me.

He waits until we get into the living room before pulling me back into his arms. "Have I told you lately how amazing you are?" I duck my head slightly and blush, but he puts gentle fingers under my chin and lifts my face to look at him again. "Because you are. What would you like to do now, love?"

"Can you play for me?" I ask, wanting to be with Edward where I can indulge in our own intimate bubble of togetherness for a while. He smiles beatifically, stealing my breath as usual, and indulges me to an hour or more of heartbreakingly, haunting music before Esme calls me back to reality with a prosaic call of, "Bella, phone!"

Author Note

Bella's charm bracelet is the same as the one in the link below, but with white gold charms (to match Esme's necklace present).

http:/www(dot)inksoflondon(dot)com/online-shop/women/bracelets/272-sweetie-bracelet

Most of the charms I have made up, but Emmett's gummy bear charm is on the site with at the link below.

http:/www(dot)linksoflondon(dot)com/charm-maker/

All the lovely ways to say I love you, came courtesy of the following website: http:/www(dot)links2love(dot)com/i_love_you_ and babelfish.

I don't speak a word of Spanish. This too came from Babelfish, so if I butchered the Spanish phrases, I apologise.

I don't know a thing about calculus. All credit for that goes to this website:-

http:/mathforum*(dot)org/library/drmath/view/53391(dot)html

Help with symbols and symbolism came from this website, amongst others:

http:/symboldictionary(dot)net/?p=1849

The playlist and the various songs that Bella describes as being eclectic are given below. Each one relates to one of the charms given:

_The Teddy Bear's Picnic__ - _Jimmy Kennedy

Sisters, Sisters – Irving Berlin

Do I Have to Say The Words? – Bryan Adams

If My Heart Was a House – Owl City

When It's time – Green Day.

Four Seasons Spring – Vivaldi

Eyes Like Twins – Wilson Phillips

Shopping - Bare Naked Ladies

We Are Family – Pointer Sisters

Run - Snow Patrol

Darling Pretty - Mark Knopfler

Unwritten – Natasha Bedingfield

I'll leave you all to work out which song relates to which charm and note. ;)


	18. Author Note

Author Note

I've to be honest; I've never been a fan of posting author's notes that look like a chapter updates. This is one first one ever but, well, this isn't a chapter update strictly speaking. Sorry.

I have posted a new outtake here:-

.net/s/6322319/2/Out_Takes_Dying_by_Degrees

It is Edward's point of view of what occurs between chapter 16 and 17. Consider it an glimpse of his state of mind going into Bella's first day back at school. As it is Edward's POV it won't get into the main story but it does give some explanations for his choices in leaving Bella on her own (to her perception) in Chapter 17.

As to updates, chapter 16 and 17 have been revised. I am currently working on 18 and 19 at the moment, but they need to be completed, and then all four need to be beta read. I will post 16, 17 & 18 at the same time when they are ready. I don't have an ETA for this posting.

So, the story hasn't been abandoned, honest.


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